Chuck vs the Then and Now
by malamoo
Summary: One-shots involving events that happened before and after Chuck's memory loss. Prequel to Missing Years, Sequel to Long Days and Nights. Chuck/Sarah. COMPLETE
1. Sarah vs the appointment

**_Chuck vs the Then and Now _**

_**Synopsis: **One-shots involving events that happened before and after Chuck lost his memories. Chuck/Sarah.  
_

_If you've never read any of my stories, that's okay. This isn't intended as a serial although reading missing years//long days and nights would help. I don't have a specific timeline in mind. Anything in the past involves the five years Chuck erased and anything in the future is afterwards. _

_**Disclaimer:** i don't own chuck and that makes me sad.  
_

_A/N: I was working on long days and nights when this idea came to me and nagged and nagged and nagged until i finally wrote it down. I've never written something like this before so i hope it doesn't suck. I really wanted to write about the missing five years (the "then") and also future stuff (the "now") but i wanted to try it as a composite. That said, i'm probably going to confuse you. if it's hard to read, try reading just the italics first and then going through the normal type. If it's still hard to read, then it's not you, it's my story. i apologize.  
_

* * *

1. Chuck vs the appointment

_Sarah glances at the clock by chance. Ten twenty it reads in bold red. She was late; so beyond late she couldn't even blame it on traffic or forgetting to set her alarm. She was so late it could only be purposeful. _

_Thinking about the evening before, Sarah was tempted to call in a personal day. Even now the memory of their conversation left a bitter taste in her mouth. But if she chose to take the cowardly way out of this, to hide in her shell or under the covers until this blew over, he would know he'd gotten to her. _

_And she couldn't let that happen. Couldn't, because Sarah Walker didn't have feelings, didn't get compromised, didn't throw away her career for a concept as fickle as love. _

_Because wasn't that what this was really about? Not the covers, the lies, the slow hours of being defined as something together or the seconds before death and a confession. Stripped of all excuses, she knew this was not about the job; it was about her and him. It was that simple. _

_Simple enough to complicate everything in her life. _

_

* * *

_The phone sounded, loud and quarrelsome, breaking Sarah from her sleep as easily as a stone through a windowpane. She groaned, buried herself deeper under the sheets, and wondered why she had so stubbornly insisted on using such an annoying ringtone.

Reaching blindly from the sheets, her fingers marched across the wood polish of the nightstand until she found what she was looking for. Without having to sneak a peek at the caller ID, she knew it could only be one person.

"This better be good, I was just about to go for a cruise down the French Riviera."

His laugh was warm. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"Too early for you to call," she mumbled. "This was supposed to be my personal day."

"And you're going to waste it in bed?"

"It's my prerogative," she retorted, rubbing her sleepy eyes. She put her hand over the speaker as she yawned lazily.

"It's ten twenty."

Sarah ignored him. "That's nice. Aren't you supposed to be working?"

"Aren't you supposed to be at your appointment?"

Sarah suddenly tosses the sheets to the side. "What appointment?" she demands, sitting up in bed. She tries to jog her memory but her mind is still thick with sleep.

He laughs again.

"Chuck Bartowski, this is not funny!"

"Uh, your doctor's appointment? It's at eleven isn't it?"

_Right._ Sarah rolls her eyes. She couldn't believe she'd forgotten. "How did you remember?" she asks, hopping out of bed. The cold hardwood floor sucks all the heat from the soles of her feet and she hisses in surprise.

Her senses return to her quickly now, and she's nearly a hundred percent certain she never told Chuck about it.

"I got a call from their office asking to confirm."

Sarah's face flushes with frustration. "Why would they call you about my appointment?"

She realizes her tone is all wrong when Chuck pauses.

"Maybe because you didn't pick up?" he offers, his voice full of hesitation.

"I never gave them your number." Cradling the phone between her ear and shoulder, she rummages through her closet for the most appropriate outfit. She still can't believe she'd forgotten the appointment. "How would they even know to call you?"

Sarah thinks she hears him smile on the other end. "Sarah..._relax,_" he says. "Not everyone's a spy, okay?"

She rolls her eyes as she lays a selection of blouses over the unmade bed. "Easy for you to say," she grumbles.

"Besides, Ellie referred you there so she must have her contact information. It couldn't have been too hard to get her brother's office number. I am listed in the phonebook you know."

Sarah doesn't want to argue with his reasoning. It sounds right, but her spy senses are still tingling.

"Hey, Sarah, have I ever met Dr. Becksford before?"

Now it was her turn to smile. "Not unless you've been to see an OB/GYN."

Chuck wasn't laughing though. "I don't know, her voice sounded really familiar." He groans. "I wish I could remember." Sarah sits back down on the bed and they fall into a quiet lull.

She knows how frustrating it can still be. "I'm sorry, Chuck, but I'm pretty sure she's not someone you've met."

"Okay. Well I tried." His voice lightens as he changes the subject. "She sounds nice, very nice in fact. I think you'll like her a lot."

Sarah wrinkles her brows. Chuck didn't read people very well and _nice_ usually translated to something more sinister. For her own sake, she hoped he was right this time.

"Do you want me to go with you?"

Sarah flinches at the offer. "That's sweet, Chuck," she starts to say, and can't help the blush that's creeping up to her cheeks. "But it's just a routine check-up."

"Well, even so—"

"No, Chuck." She cuts him off before he can somehow twist her arm and convince her otherwise. She doesn't want Chuck to be there. She wants to do this alone.

"Everything's okay, _right_?"

Sarah doesn't know. "Yeah, everything's okay." It's a habit, this covering up and telling of white lies, and he can tell. "It's a routine checkup," she repeats.

"If something's wrong, you'd tell me, right?"

"Chuck," she whispers in frustration when she hears the concern in his voice. "Of course. Nothing is wrong with me."

She senses his next question before he can even say it. "I'm not pregnant." That, she was sure of.

"I didn't say anything," he answers innocently.

"I'm sure." Sarah feels like she can finally smile. "I'd be offended if you did."

He chuckles softly on the other end. "Well, my job here is done. Don't miss your appointment."

Sarah smiles. She doesn't want the conversation to end so she hopes he will end it instead. "I'm going to be late because of you."

"Not as late as you would have been," he retorts. "I'm a very busy man, Mrs. Bartowski, you are taking valuable hours from my work."

Sarah laughs and nearly threatens to hang up on him but the fact he's called is so endearing she can't bear to, not even as a joke.

"I love you, Chuck." She says nothing about goodbye and neither does he.

"I love you too." As Sarah hears the phone click, she thinks it's the best ending anyone could ask for.

* * *

_Casey was at the table, his back to her, when Sarah finally showed at Castle. _

_"Morning," she grumbled, because at quarter to twelve, it was still technically. _

_The burly man gave a noncommittal grunt, then swiveled in his chair to face her. "What's the matter, Walker, dumped again?" he asked, just a hint of a smile on his face. "I thought you'd be used to it by now." _

_Sarah clenched her jaw, not falling for the bait no matter how tempted she was. She would remember this moment though, and the next time Casey deserved a good punch in the face, she'd remember not to hold back. _

_She let the anger subside and gave a shrug. "Well thankfully this time it will be the last." She tried to smile, to match even a fraction of Casey's smugness, but it hurt too much. "Guess you'll have to find some other way to amuse yourself." _

_Her words took the man off guard, and she thought she saw a flicker of...what was it? Surprise? Regret? Sarah didn't linger long enough to decipher it. She stalked off to clean her weapons, surrounding herself with things equally cold and unfeeling. _

_._

_It was her fault. Chuck had made his feelings clear from the start. She hadn't expected a man so soft-spoken and timid to just lay his heart out. Hurting him once wasn't enough though; he dared her to do it again and again. _

_And she had, over and over, until it wore her down. Until she finally saw a challenge she had no way of winning. _

"We need to break up, Sarah," he says. Words so familiar to her ears. Sarah has seen this one coming for awhile now, has prepared herself for the inevitable speech. "I just can't keep doing this."

"I know. I can't either," she confesses, the truth. She looks into his eyes and sees the sadness that mirrors her own thoughts exactly. He doesn't want this and neither does she. "Chuck, your sister's going to suspect something if we keep this up."

She knows she's said the wrong thing when he takes a step back.

"This has nothing to do with Ellie," he says, the sadness in his eyes ebbing away. What replaces it is something more bearable. Anger and resentment she can handle. "This is about you and me."

Sarah wishes she could see the light in his eyes. "Chuck, if we break up this time, we can't get back together." It's an empty threat. "That's it. We can't keep getting back together every other week."

_He had pushed her into a corner and she was only pushing back. Forcing him to make a decision for once instead of always leaving it up to her. _

_She didn't think he would call her bluff. Didn't think he would really let her go. _

"Okay."

"What?" She doesn't think she hears him correctly.

Chuck offers no explanation. "Okay," he repeats, and takes another step back. He shoves his hands into his jacket pocket and doesn't say anything else.

That's it.

Sarah feels like a knife's just pierced the air between them, severing them forever. It's so unfair, that he can just display his emotions for the world to see while she has to keep hers locked in.

_Because Sarah Walker isn't supposed to have feelings. _

"Okay..." she says slowly, following through with her own plan.

Chuck takes another step back, drifting further and further away from her. "Good night, Sarah." With a tone like that, he might as well have said goodbye.

_The implications don't hit Sarah until she's reached her hotel room. Not the reprimand she's going to receive from her superiors or the snide remarks from Casey, but what this means for her. _

_It doesn't feel half as liberating as she thought it would. It's what she's wanted him to do since the very beginning, but not really. _

_Not if she was being honest with herself. Because as selfless as she's been for her country, she still harbours selfish thoughts, including the one where she lives the lie forever. _

_

* * *

  
_

Sarah gets into the clinic at quarter to twelve. She's embarrassed that she's late, so beyond late, but the receptionist smiles warmly at her and offers to squeeze her in.

"No, I couldn't do that," she says, but the woman insists.

"Dr. Becksford's been looking forward to seeing you. I'm sure she won't mind taking you in during the lunch break."

Sarah declines again but the woman is so persistent that she finally acquiesces to avoid causing a scene. As she sits down in the waiting room, she realizes that Chuck might be right. This doctor _was_ ridiculously nice.

* * *

_Chuck visits Castle on his lunch break. She hears his shoes clang down the metal steps and the one-sided conversation he holds with Casey, punctuated occasionally by the latter's telltale grunts. _

_Despite all her apprehension and fear, Sarah steps out of the safety of her locked room. _

_She meets him half-way, and it feels so awkward and wrong. Suddenly there are long silent pauses and all the spark has been hollowed out of their conversation. They don't talk about what happened last night, but they don't have to. It's like ignoring the elephant in the room, every word, look and sigh is a reference to it. _

_"So...the hospital function is tonight," he reminds, and Sarah's eyes widen. She had completely forgotten. "Ellie will understand if you don't want to go..." _

_Sarah tries not to show how much it hurts; that he's already assumed she would cancel. _

_"I mean, I told Ellie that we were still friends, so you're free to come if you—" _

_"Yes," she says, before he can take the offer away a second time. She says it without even realizing what she's agreed to. Before she even realizes how illogical it was for her—the ex-girlfriend, to be there. _

_Chuck's eyes bulge and he swallows the rest of his words. "Really? Oh, okay," he says, shoving his hands into his pant pockets. "Uh...you really don't have to." _

_ "I want to," she says, resolute in her decision. "Besides, it's my job to protect you." It's the wrong words again, and she sees Chuck's eyes darken in frustration. _

_"It's a charity function," he informs tersely. "Organized by doctors...for sick children." He nearly rolls his eyes at her. "I highly doubt there will be an arsonist or weapons dealer there." _

_Sarah means to say sorry but what she says instead is, "You never know." _

_

* * *

  
_

Sarah takes back the sentiment within seconds of entering the examination room.

"Dr. _Becksford,_" she greets with a forced smile. "How nice to see you again."

It was amazing what medical advancements sprang from the fountain of youth. The woman still looked the same after all these years. Younger, even. It made Sarah suddenly self-aware of her own age.

The doctor beamed at her as she closed the door. "Miss Walker, it's such a surprise."

Sarah smiled while gritting her teeth. _Somehow I doubt that. _

"Bartowski," she clips, and refuses to sit in the offered seat.

"I beg your pardon?" The doctor flips open her chart and suddenly Sarah's filled with an urgent desire to snatch the papers out of her hand. All her life she had been a private person and to think this undeserving woman had unrestricted access to her past.

"It's Sarah Bartowski," she corrects. "You remember my husband, don't you?"

Of course she did. And of course she would call his office feigning all sweet and innocent. Sarah had nearly forgotten about Stephanie Walters—Becksford now, but the memory of their first encounter was still permanently ingrained in her memory.

The woman closes the chart and leans against her desk. "Oh!" she gasps. "I had no idea!"

Despite all these years of practice, her powers of deception were still subpar at best.

"Well, now you do." Sarah flexed her knuckles, the diamond of her ring purposefully reflecting off the light fixture. "I apologize but I really must be going."

* * *

_Sarah's a fish out of water at the function. She's appropriately dressed, her hair is neatly done and on the outside she wears the veneer of high society as well as the person next to her. But on the inside she's suffocating on the air that once sustained her. She doesn't know any of these people, doesn't know what to say; doesn't know what she's going to do when she sees _him_. _

_Sarah bumps into Ellie first, both a blessing and a curse. Once their eyes meet, she can't escape and they share an awkward initial exchange. _

_"I'm glad you came," the brunette finally says, when all has been said about the frivolous things like dress and hair. _

_Sarah smiles and takes a long sip from her champagne flute. "I'm glad too," she says, the only thing she can say. _

_Ellie's smile is forced. Finally it collapses and she reaches out to her. "Sarah, I'm sorry things didn't work out with my brother." Ellie's kindness startles her. It's so much more than she expects, so much more than she deserves. _

_"It was a mutual decision," Sarah lies. She knows she can only blame herself. "We've both known that it wasn't working out for a long time now." This time it's something closer to the truth. _

_"Well, I'm glad you and him are still friends." Ellie squeezes her hand and Sarah wonders how she can, when she is the one who's broken her brother's heart. "And I just want you to know that while I love my brother very much, I still think of you as a sister and a friend." _

_Sarah wants to drown herself in the champagne rather than some sobering tears. She keeps her composure and smiles at Ellie. _

_"You're so sweet," she says softly."That means a lot. Really." _

_Ellie smiles back, sad but genuine. _

_"Have you seen Chuck?" _

_Ellie glances around the room, then finally points. Sarah follows the invisible trajectory path of her finger and discovers with a sinking sensation that he's engaged in conversation with another woman. _

_Ellie puts on a brave smile and puts an end to her misery. "Her name is Stephanie Walters. We did our residency together. She's a department head now down at Cedars-Sinai." _

_Sarah nods. She steals a glance at the elder Bartowski and knows, however hard she tries to hide it, that she approves of the match. Medical school, department head, charity fundraiser...the other woman has Sarah beat on paper alone. _

_"Well I should mingle," Sarah says. It's a poor excuse and Ellie knows it, knows that she's a stranger to the upper crust of society. But the woman lets her go, spares her from having to explain herself, and Sarah walks through the crowd until she's surrounded, until she feels like she's been swallowed whole. _

_

* * *

  
_

"No, wait!" The woman rushed in front of her, blocking her way. "We're all friends here."

Sarah cocked her head to the side. "How do you figure?"

"Well Ellie is one of my best friends and you are _legally_ her sister-in-law." Sarah feigns a smile. So kind of the woman to emphasize the obligatory bond rather than anything deeper. "I am one of the very best. I only want to help."

"I'm sorry, but I don't want to mix business with my personal life. You understand right?"

But before Sarah could brush past her, the woman has her chart open.

"It says here you're having difficulty conceiving..."

The words trigger something awful in Sarah. All the hairs on the back of her neck bristle and she tears the metal clipboard out of the woman's hands. "I never said that," she growled.

The fair-haired woman looks up at her in surprise, then smiles benignly. "No, of course you didn't," she demurs. Carefully, she pries the clipboard back out of Sarah's claws. "But it's an assumption one would make if you're childless."

Sarah feels her blood boil. Thankfully for the doctor, she knew how to find her calm center.

"No, I am simply here because I _wanted_ to know if I would be able to conceive."

The woman cocked her head to the side. "Well, why would you think you couldn't?"

Sarah grits her teeth. It was a mistake to come. It was a mistake to even wonder.

"That's none of your business," she growls.

The doctor smiles at her and this time she looks genuinely pleased with herself. "You have nothing to be ashamed of. Infertility is quite common amongst older women."

Sarah took a deep breath. Her hands were shaking, a warning sign. "Like I said, it was a mistake to come here. I'm sorry I've taken up so much of your time."

"I won't tell Ellie if that's what you're afraid of. Or your husband." She winked at her. "Patient confidentiality. I swear."

_Not even if you were the last doctor in L.A._.

"I'm sorry but I've changed my mind."

The doctor seemed pleased with the announcement. "About having children?"

Sarah narrowed her eyes. "No, I think I'll give it a shot. I just don't think I'll be needing your help for any of that." She handed the woman's acrid smile right back at her. "It was nice meeting you, Dr. Becksford, but I don't think I'll be returning."

* * *

_Sarah knew her skills would come in handy one day. Not so she could disarm a bomb with a paperclip or get herself out of jail with the sharpened end of a toothbrush, but so she could figure out this Stephanie Walters and the threat she posed. _

_To the Intersect and to national security, it was minimal. _

_But to her, _God_...this was really it. _

_Stephanie Walters was like a blond and blue-eyed doll. She wore a dress that hugged all the right curves, likely earned with religious hours at the gym, and she knew how to sell it. Even in relaxed conversation she stood as if posing for a photo op. She was beautiful and well aware; a woman who knew what she wanted. All eyes were on her, but she only had eyes for Chuck Bartowski. _

_And why not? Chuck looked so good in his suit, the irony of which was not lost on Sarah. Hadn't she been the one who taught him? Who'd walked him through countless consulate balls, private dinner parties, and VIP engagements to make him what he was now?_

_As she saw the woman lean in closer to Chuck, the realization dawned on her. _

_She was the one. _

_Her career was no less grand, her beauty no less alluring, and her charm no less effective. And she was normal. The normal version of Sarah. _

_Finally a woman worthy of Chuck. Someone unbroken, unused and still in its original packaging. Someone who didn't hide secrets, who didn't have to lie, and who would never have to leave for an undisclosed location at a moment's notice. _

_She tried to read their conversation, but her eyes were smarting. _

How pathetic would it be if you really cried here?

_The thought was sobering enough for her to stop. She finished the flute of champagne and left to grab another. _

_

* * *

  
_

Sarah walks past the glass doors and up to the receptionist's desk. The girl, a fresh-faced college grad, sits up extra straight in her chair when she sees her approach.

"Oh hi, , how are you today?"

Sarah smiles. She never thought she'd actually enjoy hearing the matronly title but she likes it more than she's ever liked being called Miss Walker.

"Just fine, Marie. Will you let my husband know I'm here?"

"Actually he's already called to say that he's expecting you. I believe he's in his office." The young girl grinned. "It's so sweet."

Sarah doesn't know why but the comment makes her blush. "What is?"

The girl shrugs. "That you guys still have lunch together everyday. Mr. Grimes filled me in on the two of you, I hope you don't mind. It's so romantic."

A part of her wonders exactly what his friend has said and the other wonders how much of it was true. Morgan had a tendency to embellish details and run away with ideas, a useful trait for product pitching but little else.

"Well what can I say? I'm very lucky."

* * *

_By the time she returned, they were gone. _

_Sarah stood in confusion, wondering if it would also be pathetic for her to stalk them. But she soon realized she didn't need to. _

_"Hi." _

_Sarah turns around, color rushing to her cheeks as she's face-to-face with her adversary. _

_"Hi." _

_Sarah takes the extended hand and manages to shake it gently without crushing any fingers. _

_"I saw you talking to Ellie back there, are you friends?" Sarah nods slowly. The woman smiles but it's tight lipped. "And here I thought I knew all of Ellie's friends." _

_If Sarah didn't know better, she had just been dealt an accusation. _

_"Yeah, well I'm more acquainted with her brother." _

_To this, the woman's brows rise with interest. "Charlie?" she says with a genuine smile now. "How do you know Charlie?" _

_"_Chuck_, actually," Sarah corrects. She doesn't know why, but she hates that the woman has a separate name for him. "We—" Sarah realizes too late that she's fallen into the woman's trap. She knew exactly who she was; she just wanted to hear her say it. "Used to date..." her voice trails off and she lowers her eyes. She hates herself for being so easily played. _

_"Oh!" The woman's eyes widen but it looks feigned. "That's too bad." _

_Sarah wrinkles her brows. "I beg your pardon?" _

_The woman doesn't back down. "I said that's a shame. He seems like a real keeper." She gives a shrug of her shoulders, as if to say, 'your loss is my gain' and suddenly Sarah wishes she didn't have a conscience. _

_She wishes she could throw away the job, risk the lives of millions, and finally tell him how she feels and bask in the light for all of ten seconds before the world came crashing down on them. _

_She wishes she could punch this woman and break her cosmetically enhanced nose. Just cause. And she knows she's compromised, because even Agent Walker isn't that petty. _

_"Are you a doctor too, Miss—" _

_"Walker," Sarah replies tersely. How awful, they even share the same initials. "And no, I'm not." _

_Before she's forced to reveal her cover job, Chuck appears with two flutes of bubbling champagne. They're both taken aback to bump into each other like this, but he recovers first. _

_For a second, he nearly forgets and offers one of the glasses to her but the woman intervenes. _

"_Thank you, Charlie," she says coquettishly, taking it out of his hand. Chuck's eyes dim, as if he's suddenly reminded of their status or lack thereof, and he steps back in line with his new acquaintance. _

_"Charlie, you're right on time. I believe you know Miss Walker." Chuck manages a weak smile and nods his head. Sarah faces the both of them. She wants to down the entire flute of champagne in one go but she's afraid of what Chuck will think. _

_"Hi, Sarah," he greets. His voice is still warm, and he still calls her by name. _

_"Miss Walker was just telling me where she worked." _

_Sarah narrows her eyes; wonders how much Ellie has told her. She takes a deep breath and confesses, keeping the shame from entering her voice. _

_"A yogurt shop?" The woman's immaculate forehead did little to express her shock and surprise. "You've got to be joking." _

_Sarah doesn't know what to say. In a room of the well-to-do, it must be quite the sensation. Suddenly she feels like a pauper speaking to a queen. _

_"No, no she's not," Chuck interrupts. "It's true. She serves frozen yogurt at the plaza." Sarah's heart sinks and she has to clench her jaw to hide the look of hurt from showing on her face. She'd never imagined Chuck would betray her like this—_

_

* * *

  
_

When Sarah gets off the elevator, Chuck's already waiting in the hallway.

"Hey!" he exclaims and pulls her into a long, drawn-out kiss. There's cheering and hollering in the background but somehow the prude in Chuck manages to ignore it.

When they finally pull away, all she can say is, "Wow."

Chuck finally blushes and ducks his head to hide from his employees and their cries of encouragement. Sarah ignores them but even she finds it hard to hide the color that's rising to her cheeks.

"What's gotten into you, Chuck?"

He shrugged sheepishly. "I just missed you," he said, and with one boyishly charming smile, she was sold.

.

Lunch is Chicken Caesar salad and soda.

"Wow, Large-Mart fare. Honey, you spoil me," he teased as he pushed the stack of papers off his desk. Sarah narrows her eyes and wields a plastic knife in warning.

"We're experiencing an economic downturn at the bank. Money's tight." She grinned as she poured the dressing over her salad. "Besides, where else can you find lunch for under five bucks?"

Chuck wrinkled his brows as he did the same. "_Right..._" he said with a waggle of his brows. "Sarah, you used to tell me how this was going to give us cancer. What is this really about?"

Sarah cocked her head to the side. _Had she really said that?_

"I was just feeling nostalgic," she said. "If you don't want it, then don't eat it." As if to show that she was serious, she reached over to take it off his hands.

"No! I love Large-Mart!" he cried and swatted her hand away. "Just don't tell Morgan I said that," he added in a conspirative whisper.

Sarah giggled. "You're secret is safe with me."

Chuck smiled back at her. His hand reached across the table and clasped hers. "So how was your appointment?"

Just thinking about the incident left a bitter taste in her mouth. "Fine," she quipped and stuffed her face with lettuce.

"You got back from the doctor's pretty fast." As if to answer her accusing stare, he explained. "Dr. Becksford called when it was almost twelve. Said you still weren't there. She called back fifteen minutes later to assure me that you had showed and that you were done."

Sarah drops her utensils and her hands retreat to her lap. Chuck's arm rests extended across the table, waiting for her to return.

"She called?"

Sarah takes a deep breath, panic and fear rising like a tidal wave threatening to crash over her. What would he think if he knew?

"Yeah. She seems really nice. Really engaged with her patients and their family."

Sarah feigns a smile. God she really hated that woman.

Chuck plays around with his food, but his eyes are fixed on her. "Honey...is everything alright?"

"Yeah." Sarah realizes she has to try harder if she's going to sell it. "Chuck!" she admonishes mildly. "It was just a routine check-up."

"That lasted only five minutes? That doesn't sound very thorough to me. Dr. Becksford wants you to return for a follow-up."

"No." _No chance in Hell._

"Sarah, I just think—"

"I'm fine!" She doesn't mean to raise her voice and she instantly regrets it when she sees Chuck pick up his utensils in defeat.

"Okay, I'm sorry," he mumbles. "I was just worried..."

Sarah's shoulders sag and she sinks in her seat, beaten at this match of wills. When she looks at his downcast eyes, she knows he won't be letting this go anytime soon.

"I wanted them to run some tests on me," she finally confesses. "To see if I would be able to..." She lets her voice trail off but when she looks up, she realizes she has Chuck's complete attention. "_Conceive_."

There. The 'C' word.

Chuck's mouth forms a big 'O' and he sets down his fork.

"Not that I've really thought about it!" she said quickly to cover her tracks. "I just thought it would be good to know, just in case we ever did want to have children." When Chuck is still silent, she begins to panic. "Not to say I want children...or that I don't. I just thought I should know...being that I've never really thought about it and knowing all those years in the agency..." She gives an exasperated sigh. "Chuck! Say something!"

But Chuck just stares at her and smiles. "That's very sweet of you."

"What?"

"I think that's very sweet of you," he says with a wide smile. "And if you had told me earlier, I wouldn't have been so worried."

Sarah can't believe that's all he has to say on the subject. But then again she realizes she's talking to the wrong person. If Ellie ever got wind of this it would be another story altogether.

"Why would you be worried? I told you it was just a routine check-up."

Chuck rolls his eyes. "What kind of routine check-up involves a doctor calling three times in one day to confirm your attendance? Sarah, do you have any idea what went through my mind?" He emphasizes the point with his hands, gesturing madly in the air. "And she was so insistent! What the heck was I supposed to think? I don't know! And you got a special referral from Ellie. She was supposed to be the best—"

"Chuck." She grabs his hands and pulls him down to his seat.

"What?" he asks, sounding slightly out of breath.

"You're so sweet."

* * *

_—but then he smiles at Sarah, the kind of smile she thought she'd never see again, and he declares rather proudly: "I, myself, work at a Nerd Herd station at a Buy-More." _

_The woman looks horrified. "But you graduated with an engineering degree from Stanford!" _

_Chuck shrugs. "I know but you just can't compete with Buy-More hours." He winks subtly at Sarah, and she doesn't think she's ever been more in love with him. _

_"She asked me out over a service-desk," he muses. "Our first date we split lunch at the Large-Mart. Chicken Caesar salads and two sodas for under five bucks." _

_Sarah can't help but smile. The look on the other woman's face is priceless. _

_"We took our breaks in the supply closet—" _

_"But that was when I was working at the Weinerlicious." Sarah's grin matches his. It's become a contest to see who can horrify her more. _

_"You used to work at a store called the _Weinerlicious_?" The woman says the name as if it is the most vile thing she'd ever heard of. _

_"Well, I used to scrub toilets at the pier." Chuck's last comment seemed to do her in. She excuses herself and turns her back to them, determined to get as far away as possible. "Ellie's going to kill me," he murmurs as he watches her go. Then he turns his attention on her. _

_"That was a lie, by the way. There are some depths I won't sink to." He smiles sheepishly then sticks both hands into his trouser pockets. "Sort of." _

_"That's okay. I lied too." He looks at her, like he thinks he knows what she really means but he's afraid to believe it. "I didn't mean what I said." _

_Chuck pulls one hand out of his pocket and reaches out to her. She knows he's nervous when she feels his perspiration slick against her skin but she doesn't mind. It's endearing, really. Like a puppy dog kiss. _

_"Do you..." He licks his chapped lips, forcing Sarah to wait on bated breath. "Do you want to get back together with me?" _

_Sarah stares at him. "What?" Even when he repeats it and she's sure it's not just her imagination, she still can't believe it. She almost asks him why he would be willing to take her back when she's still her broken self. _Why_ he hasn't given up yet, _why_ he's such a glutton for punishment. _

_Doesn't he know she'll only hurt him? _

_Sarah doesn't trust herself with an answer, so she does the unthinkable and draws him in, kissing him full on the lips as if her life depended on it. Chuck freezes and she remembers too late that he hates PDA, hates attention, but she doesn't care. She's going to do what she wants for once. _

_They finally break apart to the sound of applause. There's a clearing and the crowd has turned into a circle of spectators. Chuck turns scarlet and Sarah feels the blood rush to her head. _

_Then she picks Ellie out of the crowd and she feels the blood drain away. She can't read the woman's expression but she knows Ellie isn't pleased. _

"_We're such a cliché aren't we?" Chuck asks, taking her hand in his. _

_Sarah is comforted by the security of his grip. She takes hold of Chuck's face and keeps his eyes on her so he won't have to see his sister's disappointment. _

"God_, I hope so," she says as she pulls him into another long kiss. _

_Because after all, aren't cliché's about finding the love of your life and living happily-ever-after? _

_

* * *

_

_A/N: I hope you liked it. If you didn't, don't worry. i don't think i'll be updating this one a lot since it's not a serial. plus it's really hard to write in two different parts. _


	2. Chuck vs the AA

_A/N: I'm baaaaaaaccckkkk! __here is another chapter and this one is from Chuck's POV. When i'm completely done__ you should have a good idea what happened in those five years but i'm not going at it in order so it might be confusing until the very end. _

_this chapter might require some prerequisite reading as it does refer to events from 'missing years'. _

* * *

2. Chuck vs the AA

_Chuck's sitting in his room, staring off into space when there's a knock at the door. Without waiting for a response it opens and he knows only one person to be so forthright. _

"_Working hard or hardly working?" she teases as she closes the door behind her. _

_Chuck smirks. He turns off the computer monitor and stands up to greet her with a kiss. She tastes a little like strawberries and something else but he knows better than to ask. Sarah Walker was always going to be a mystery to him. He'd long given up trying to figure her out. _

_She senses his hesitation. "What's wrong?" she asks. _

"_Nothing." He kisses her again, but his mind is elsewhere today. He redoubles his efforts when he captures her lips a third time, intent on erasing any uncertainty at all but he can't shake the thought. He wonders how he'll ever get through the day without her; wonders if he's already a lost cause. _

_Sarah's lips curl into a devious smile and she snatches his shirt collar. Without warning she pushes him onto the bed and he falls, limbs in a tangle, as pillows and blankets fall to the floor. _

"_Miss me much?" she asks, though it's not a question, not really. Because already she's crouched and creeping towards him, like a tigress stalking its prey and when she hovers right above him, so close he can feel the heat of her body burn against his, Chuck forgets everything he's planned to say. _

_She laughs softly into his ear, teasing him with her voice. _

_Chuck gulps as he slides against the sheets, trying to make room for her on the narrow bed. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea," he whispers. _

"_What do you mean?" she asks. He tries to sit up but she pins him right back down. He takes a deep breath. It's not so bad, this exquisite torture, but he needs to stay focused. _

"_I promised Carmen it wouldn't happen again." _

_A spark appears in Sarah's eyes. "What do you mean?" she asks, even though she knows exactly what. _

"_She was really mad last time, Sarah," Chuck reminds. Of course Sarah didn't care; Chuck was the one who had to deal with the aftermath. "I think we were too loud." _

_Sarah's eyes dart to the closed door. "She can wear earplugs," she dismisses. Something about the look in her eyes tells Chuck that Sarah took a small amount of joy in that fact. _

"_It's a small apartment." _

"_Well it was her choice. She could have had her own hotel room but she was so insistent." She captures his mouth, intent on silencing him, but not even the lure of a siren as beautiful as Sarah Walker could distract Chuck from his troubles. _

"_Sarah." _

_She ignores him and moves onward, grazing her lips against his jawline. _

"_Sarah." _

_Chuck's hands tremble with indecision as he pushes her ever so slightly away. _

"_Sarah, stop." _

_She leans back, the blue of her eyes darkening like a storm cloud. "What's wrong?" she asks, wrapping her fingers around a curl of his hair. _

_Chuck doesn't know where to start. Doesn't know how to break the news to her. So he just says it and waits for everything around him to fall. _

"_I can't do this anymore. This isn't working." _

* * *

Chuck stares off into space and not even the syrupy sing-song music blasting from the TV can draw his attention back. In the background he can hear his sister's excited squeals, loud enough to emit through the closed door and hallway space, and it's a wonder how he's not hard of hearing yet.

"Oh, this one's so cute, don't you think?"

Chuck doesn't hear the response. All he can hear is Ellie exclaim over this and that. She's been at it for nearly an hour and the enthusiasm in her voice hasn't diminished by even half a pitch.

Suddenly he hears an indignant howl beside him and he has no choice but to pay attention where attention is demanded.

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it?" he teases as he tickles his nephew's chin. William giggles, a long string of drool slipping down the corner of his lips.

Chuck makes a face and wipes his hands on his trousers. He wonders why he even bothers since his nephew's turned into the ultimate slobber-factory.

"I bet you wish it was your daddy who had the day off, huh?" he asks, crossing his eyes.

William laughs and claps his tiny hands together.

Chuck shrugs. "I know, I know, your uncle's great," he says, full of modesty. He knows he's only got a couple more years before the little boy is no longer so easily coaxed. He still remembers when William was small enough to fit into the crook of his arm. Things had been so easy then.

As another squeal emitted from the master bedroom, Chuck could only roll his eyes.

"Do you think your mommy's a little crazy?"

William looks at him blankly with his big blue eyes.

"Yah?" Chuck coaxes, using the boy's limited vocabulary to his advantage. "Yah, crazy?"

"Yah..." William mimics, revealing a smile pocked by random baby teeth. "Yah..."

Chuck laughed. "And Uncle Chuck's the best, yah?"

William smiles shyly. "Yah..."

The bedroom door opens and the women finally reappear in the living room. "Chuck Bartowski, what are you teaching my son?" Ellie demands.

The elder Bartowski is all smiles but the blond following behind has the look of a deer in headlights.

"What is Uncle Chuck teaching you?" Ellie asks as she bends down and scoops up her son. He has grown so big now that she needs both arms to carry him. "Is he teaching you bad things?"

William shakes his head and giggles as his mother showers him with kisses.

"You okay?" Chuck asked as he walked over to his wife. He rubs her back gently and gives her a quick peck on the cheek. "I hope she didn't overwhelm you."

Sarah raised her brows. "No more than usual," she said with a slow smile. Chuck rolled his eyes; of course this was all to be expected.

"You feel okay today?" Chuck knew he was seconds from hovering but Sarah shook her head slowly.

"Just fine," she whispered. "Today I feel perfectly _normal_." There's a glint in her eye that only he catches, and he knows exactly what she means.

"So...Uncle Chuck, are you excited about becoming a dad?" Ellie bounces William at her hip, the smile on her face so wide it reaches ear to ear.

"Obviously not as excited as you," he teases. "You know, Ellie, if you love babies so much you should just have another."

The idea sends the woman into a panic. Her face falls and she shakes her head fervently. "No! No! This isn't about _me_," she says, clearly deflecting. "This is about _you_ and Sarah."

Sarah laughs quietly at his side but it's the truth; both are far more subdued than the brunette.

"Hey, William, what do you think about a cousin, huh?" Ellie jostles him slightly, kissing his chubby cheeks. "Would you like a cousin to play with?"

William's response is a look of boredom. He tugs at his ear and sticks out his tongue.

Chuck smiles. "Yah?"

The baby smiles as he catches on. "Yah," he mimics, giving a toothy grin.

"Sarah, aren't you excited?" Ellie demands. "Isn't this exciting?"

Sarah looks up at her husband, a slow secretive smile on her lips. "No," she says, her eyes nearly dancing with lights. "This just feels _normal_."

Chuck smiles back at her. He understands her meaning, even if Ellie doesn't.

The brunette just sighs. "I'll never understand you two."

"Ellie, the baby's the size of my thumb." He holds out his own to demonstrate. "There's not a lot to be excited about right now."

"Oh my God!" Ellie slaps him on the arm, and Chuck suddenly remembers why he was so afraid of her when they were growing up. "Are you kidding me?" She looks at Sarah and grimaces. "I'm so sorry. My brother can be so emotionally stunted sometimes."

Sarah only laughs.

"Ellie, I'm right here!" he complains.

"It's okay, Ellie," Sarah excuses and smiles up at her husband. "Hard as it is to believe, he _was_ very excited at one point."

The women giggle amongst themselves as Ellie hands her son over to his aunt. "I have something for you guys, take a seat."

Temporarily alone, Chuck places his hand protectively over the barely visible swell of his wife's belly. "You know I _am_ excited, right?" he says. "It's just hard to show it when Ellie's bouncing off the walls."

Sarah reaches for his mess of curls, her fingers brushing against the site of a nearly healed bruise. "I know, sweetie, I know."

He's grateful Sarah never divulged to Ellie his exact reaction to the announcement. She left it as _shocked_; the understatement of the year.

They sit down on the couch just as Ellie returns with a cake, decorated as if from a Martha Stewart photo spread. The frosting is immaculate and the cursive on the words 'happy anniversary' would win the approval of any school-teacher. Even baby William acknowledges its decadence with a coo.

"Oh wow..." Sarah gasps.

"Do you like it?" Ellie smiles at her. "It's for you."

"What about me?" Chuck jokes, looking hurt.

His sister frowns. "No, I made it for Sarah."

"The _entire_ cake?"

Sarah looks at him, her blue eyes wide and innocent. "Is that a problem, sweetie?" she teases.

"You know what they say?" Ellie interrupts as she begins to serve the pieces. "If you crave sweet things you must be having a girl."

Sarah makes a face. "Well, I don't know about that."

Chuck doesn't say anything. He hopes Ellie's right. He hopes they have a girl every bit as beautiful as her mother.

"So Ellie...you do realize that our anniversary isn't for another couple months...right?"

She puts down the cake knife and stares at Chuck as if he's just told her the sky was blue.

"Well of course, what do you take me for?"

Chuck looks quizzically at Sarah but she seems to know more than she lets on. He tries to catch her eye but she's preoccupied with keeping William's hands out of the frosting.

"So whose anniversary are we celebrating?"

In unison the women reply: "Yours."

Chuck still doesn't understand. Finally, Sarah takes his hand. "Sweetie, it's a tad ironic that I have to remind you, but it's been four years today since you lost your memory." She tilts her head and smiles. "Have you forgotten?"

* * *

_He feels her slide away and retreat to a corner of the bed. Chuck wishes he could read her mind and say all the right things. But when she wraps herself so tightly into a ball, he doesn't think he can reach her even if he screams. _

"_Are..." Her voice is so soft he has to strain his ears to hear. "Are you breaking up with me?" _

_He nearly bursts out laughing. "What?" Even the thought of it is a joke. _

"_Are you breaking up with me?" she repeats, her voice jagged like the edge of a saw. _

"_Oh my God." Chuck doesn't see Sarah cry very often but when she does, it scares him more than a loaded gun pointed to his head. "No! That's not what I meant!" _

_Sarah's lovely features scrunch together with anger. "Then what did you mean?" _

"_I-I-I—" Chuck stammers because he has no idea how to make this better. Because he knows Sarah can kill him in ten different ways with just her looks alone. "I meant this _arrangement_ isn't working. Sarah, I would never break up with you! I begged for years before you would go on one date with me, remember?" _

"_It's the same thing, isn't it?" she asks, her voice rising. Chuck winces. He knows Carmen's outside. She respects their privacy but if Sarah keeps it up even the neighbours will hear. "I _am_ the arrangement, Chuck." _

"_No! No!" Chuck wishes he still lived with Ellie, wishes he had practiced this longer in front of the mirror before just blabbing the first thought that came to mind. "We aren't the arrangement." In a lower voice he explains. "Carmen, Casey and I are the arrangement." _

_Sarah takes a deep breath but her eyes are still unrelentingly tumultuous. "For goodness sake, Chuck!" she hisses as she punches him on the arm. He winces but it's a start. _

"_Why would you even think I would want to break up with you?" _

_Sarah's eyes flash with annoyance. She crosses her arms and purses her lips. "Who knows, maybe Carmen's advances have finally broken you down." _

_Chuck rolls his eyes. He lies down beside her, and though he knows better than to provoke her, he can't help himself. "Jealous much?" _

_Sarah narrows her eyes. "Never." _

_He smiles and takes her hand. Every time he does he has to remind himself that she's not going anywhere, but even after so many years, it's hard to shake away the fear. _

"_I can't be the Intersect forever, Sarah." _

_He feels her body grow taunt at the ominous words. It was a fact they'd both known for some time now. _

_Chuck clings to her hand, afraid she'll slip away. "And they're not going to let their best agent camp out in L.A. as some analyst, uncovering drug busts or small-time crime. You told them this was only temporary and they're going to hold you to it." _

_Sarah sighs. She won't look him in the eye, and Chuck doesn't try. He's afraid of what he'll discover. Afraid that she's already made a decision without him. _

"_I don't want to talk about this," she says. _

"_When are we going to talk about it then?" He doesn't want to push her for an answer, but it's an undeniable truth. They've already had more than they ever thought they'd have. Everything was just a matter of time now. "When you're already half-way across the globe?" _

_She glares at him, tears and all, and it breaks Chuck's heart. "That's not fair," she says. "You know I wouldn't leave without a goodbye." _

_Chuck sighs. He wonders if it's better that way. Wonders if it's better to run on the hope of something however faint than knowing that all good things have come to an end. _

* * *

Chuck doesn't know what to say.

"Happy anniversary, Chuck," Ellie says as she hands him a more than generous portion of cake. "Eat up."

William protests when he doesn't get his own piece and even when Sarah tries to appease him with a forkful, it's not enough. He wants the entire platter and he wants it now.

"Don't spoil him, he's not supposed to have any cake," Ellie warns. She points her finger at the toddler. "No cake for you until you've got all your teeth!"

Chuck's momentarily distracted by the exchange, but something doesn't feel right.

"Don't eat that!" he cries just as Sarah's about to take a bite. The fork hovers inches from her lips and she looks at him quizzically.

"Why?"

Ellie narrows her eyes. "Yes, why?"

"Something's up." He stares at his sister. She's got the same look on her face she did when she told him Peaches had run away. "We've never celebrated this day before. Why this year?"

Ellie rolls her eyes. "Chuck, why are you being like this? I think we have a lot to celebrate. You've done a lot of amazing things with your life. You've come a long way."

Chuck's not appeased though. "Why now? Why not when I sold my game? Why not when we announced we were going to have a baby?"

"Chuck…" Sarah appears to have taken Ellie's side on this. "Just eat your cake while there's still some left." She steals a forkful from his plate and puts it into her mouth, all the while trying to keep William's hands from using the cake as playdoh .

"You don't think this is _strange_?" he asks, and hopes she will catch on to what he means. Sarah, of all people, should be on high alert. She still called his cell for an explanation whenever he ran late, fearing a traffic accident or heavens forbid, a flood in the middle of downtown L.A..

"I think it's strange I've never tasted cake so good." She grinned and stole another bite from his plate.

Ellie grinned too. "Definitely a girl," she said.

Suddenly self-conscious, Sarah puts down her fork. She smiles but shakes her head. "I don't think so." She looks at her husband, and Chuck knows this tug of war could go on all day. She's already told him she wants a boy but Chuck's still secretly hoping for a girl.

"Don't change the subject." He looks from his sister to his wife, wondering what devious plans they have conspired together in the last few hours. "The truth. Why did you invite us over, Ellie?"

He stares at his sister. Short of a Jedi-Mind trick, he doesn't think she'll ever 'fess up but today must be the exception because she finally rolls her eyes and sighs.

"Fine."

Even Sarah looks surprised. "Ellie?"

"My friend works in trauma. She piloting an AA help group and she's hoping you'd help."

Chuck chokes even though he hasn't had a bite of cake. "I used to be an alcoholic?" He looks to Sarah for an answer but she looks equally confused.

"What?" Ellie frowns. "No! Amnesiacs Anonymous"

Chuck laughs nervously. "That's catchy…and ironic."

Ellie's not smiling though. "Anyway, she knows about you and she thinks you'd be a great person for some of the patients to talk to. You too, Sarah."

Beside him, Chuck can feel his wife freeze up. William stops his fidgeting and looks up, staring at his aunt with worry.

"Uh…I don't know," Chuck says, quickly taking Sarah's hand. He gives it a squeeze. "We're both pretty busy these days." He hates lying as much as she does, but they'd agreed to make exceptions.

"Well it would only be a few hours. One day." Ellie clasps her hands together and pleads. "Please, Chuck, it would mean so much."

* * *

"_The Intersect I built was a success. They don't need me anymore." _

_She shakes her head. "They'd never put an order on you, you know that." She places her arms around him and holds him tight. _

_He knows. He trusts her, and if they ever tried again, she would take him somewhere far far away. _

"_You're too important. They want you to work on all sorts of projects." _

_Chuck closes his eyes. He knows. And he's already declined. _

"_There's this doctor in D.C.. He's worked with a lot of head trauma patients." He looks at her, but when her eyes don't register with meaning, he explains. "He's done a lot of experimental research involving memory." _

* * *

Chuck takes a deep breath but he's still a bundle nerves. He doesn't know if it's because he's in a hospital or if he just hates getting stares, but the combination is certainly not helping.

"I can't believe I agreed to do this."

Beside him, Sarah rubs his back soothingly. "You'll do fine. They just want to hear it from someone who's been there and feel reassured." Chuck's not so convinced he's the right one for the job. He's never recovered even a fragment of his earlier memories. There's not a lot of hope he can give.

"Don't worry, Chuck, you've done this a hundred times before."

Chuck looks at her but she won't meet his eyes. He frowns. "You're lying."

Sarah gives a reluctant smile. "Fine. But that doesn't mean you won't do well."

He can only shake his head at her. "That's a textbook example of what you're not supposed after someone loses their memory," he lectures.

Sarah raps her knuckles against one side of his head. "Probably not supposed to do that either, huh?"

Chuck's so charmed by her smile all he wants to do is pull her into his arms and kiss her. But his hands are slick with sweat and he's still nauseas with dread, neither of which feel romantic at the moment.

"How are you feeling?"

She flashes him a look of annoyance. "Fine."

"You look a little nauseas yourself." Chuck's been warned about hovering and trying to place a bubble around her, but he can't honestly say she looks much better than he does.

She swallows slowly. "Well maybe if you didn't drive like a little old lady I wouldn't be so nauseas."

"I was concerned for your safety." He sticks out his tongue. "At least you haven't thrown up yet. If I let you drive, we would have had to pull over by now."

She glares at him.

"For me." He smiles nervously. "For me, you would be just fine." Seeing her take another deep breath, Chuck rushes to rub her back.

"Chuck!" she rebukes, keeping him at arm's length. "You know what else makes me nauseas?"

He cringes and hopes it's not what he thinks she means.

"Jumping out of planes at fifteen thousand feet." She looks rather pleased with herself. "I didn't puke then and I'm not going to puke now."

Chuck smirks. Her willpower was something else. "Somehow I don't think that's the same." He looks at her dubiously. "I bet you don't think you'll go into labour until you want to, right?"

She narrows her eyes again but there's a playful smile tugging at her lips. Then the expression falls and she takes another deep breath.

"Sarah, are you sure you're okay? Are you sure you don't want to go home?"

She doesn't push him away this time. She genuinely looks queasy as she buries her face into his chest.

"I'm not leaving you."

He wraps his arms around her and holds her tight against him.

"Who said anything about leaving? I think you get a free pass on this one, Sarah."

She shakes her head. "I'm not leaving you," she repeats, and Chuck wonders if there's another meaning to her words. She clasps his face in her hands. "You can do this. We can do this together." She kisses him gently, her lower lip trembling as they break apart. "Now get in there. I expect to be awed."

* * *

"_No." _

_She doesn't even wait to hear him out before she's made her decision. _

"_Absolutely not." _

_Chuck's thought it through though and he knows he can be every bit as stubborn as his better half. "He says there's a good chance he can remove the Intersect." _

"_You tried it once before and it didn't work." _

"_It's a different doctor." His words get caught in his throat when he looks at her. "Please don't cry," he begs, wiping her cheeks. "This is the only way we can really be together. If I don't do this I will always be a security risk. There will always be missions, and intel, and lies. I'm so sick of telling lies, Sarah." _

_Her eyes are as deep as an ocean, and Chuck's drowning in guilt. _

"_What about me?" she asks. _

_This is the part he's dreaded. The part where she has to make a choice, and God knows, Sarah Walker's never been good with these kinds of decisions. _

"_I don't know," he says, even though he knows what he wants her to say. It's selfish and wrong of him but after five years, he's not sure how much more he can take. "That's up to you." _

"_Don't do this, Chuck." Her voice is soft but there is an undercurrent of something more. Like electricity in the air before a thunderstorm. _

_He's making a mistake and he knows it. He's losing the best thing that's ever happened to him but the dread has grown unbearable. Every night he wonders if she'll still be there in the morning, and every morning he wonders if they'll have another night. _

"_I love you, Sarah, but I can't do this anymore." The silence is deafening and with every second, Chuck can feel her build up those impenetrable walls again. _

_Sarah doesn't say anything. She just stares at him, her eyes bright and tear-stained. _

"_What if it doesn't work?" _

_He doesn't even consider the possibility. "It will." _

"_What if it doesn't?" she presses. She pulls him to her until all he can see are her piercing blue eyes. "What if you're still the Intersect?" _

_Chuck doesn't want to upset her any more than he already has. This was so much harder than he thought it would be. _

"_Don't worry, it will." _

_She shakes her head. "What if it doesn't?" she insists, her lower lip trembling. "What then?" _

_Chuck doesn't say it. He doesn't have to. _

_Sarah gasps when she realizes how far he means to go. "No." Her voice is softer than the touch of a feather. "No..." She shakes her head, still in denial. Tears begin to pour down her cheeks and even though she's the one holding him, she's the one who is trembling. _

"_No!" She shakes him violently, hard enough to snap his neck. "You can't!" Her voice grows desperate, pleading even."Don't you dare!" _

_Chuck meets her gaze but not even her anguish can change his mind. He sees the end and he's so tired of fighting it. _

"_Like I said, I can't do this anymore." _

* * *

Sarah's true to her word. At one point during his speech she looks downright green but she puts on a brave face and the hour passes without incident.

Chuck feels light-headed when he's finally allowed to leave the front of the seminar room, and the thundering applause is enough to make his knees buckle from under him.

"Thank you, Mr. Bartowski, for coming today." Ellie's friend, Dr. Hodges, walks up to shake his hand. He thinks he remembers her as one of his sister's college friends. "It means so much."

Chuck doesn't feel like he deserves all this attention. "It's nothing, really. I'm just an ordinary guy trying to live my ordinary life."

The woman doesn't look so convinced though. "You don't know what it means to these people. Seeing someone like you, being able to recover and pick up the pieces of your life…it's amazing, really."

Chuck swallows slowly. "Well I had little to do with that. You should thank my wife." He gestures to Sarah who's making her way to him slowly, looking a little pale and shaky.

"Mrs. Bartowski, thank you for coming today," the doctor enthuses. She takes her hand and shakes it gratefully. "It means a lot that you've come today."

She smiles weakly. "Not a problem. Anything for Chuck."

Dr. Hodges nods. "I don't want to impose any more on you than I already have, but would you be willing to speak to one of my patients? He's already mentioned to me how much he'd like to meet you."

Chuck flashes an apologetic look at the doctor. "As much as I would like to—"

"Of course," Sarah answers, cutting him off. She smiles at him and gives him an encouraging nod. "We have time."

Dr. Hodges beams at them. "Oh! That's great. Thank you so much!" She runs off to speak to the awaiting couple.

"Are you sure?" Chuck asks as he rushes to Sarah's side. "I think your face is the same shade as that wall over there." He points at the pastel green panel. "Come on, let's go home."

Sarah takes a deep breath. "Chuck, sweetie…" She smiles weakly at him. "This is important. We're doing this and I don't want another word out of you."

She squeezes his hand then excuses herself as Dr. Hodges begins the introductions.

.

As Chuck sits down in front of the couple, he thinks he understands why they are so eager to speak to him. There are enough parallels between their lives and his to makes him uneasy.

The patient, a man in his late twenties, was an architect who'd been working towards starting his own design company when he was suddenly struck by a car last month, suffering amongst other things, selective retrograde amnesia.

His name is Michael and he seems pleasant enough. He's quiet though, and for the most part looks like someone who's still in a daze. His fiancé, June, is the one who does all the talking.

Chuck finds it difficult to swallow when he hears her explain, through ragged sobs, how the love of her life has no recollection of who she is. She explains how he's made no progress, how the life they've built together is just _gone _and how frustrating it all feels.

"I'm not doing this on purpose," the man says. He looks at Chuck like a man with a death sentence, wallowing in hopelessness and despair. "If I could I would."

June only cries harder. "I know, honey, I know."

The room feels like a wake.

Chuck doesn't know what to say to them, doesn't think he has the credentials to make this better. Even though it's not his problem, he feels terrible.

Just then Sarah returns and to Chuck, it's like a breath of fresh air. She looks like another person, and when she sits down beside him, he thinks every inch of her is actually glowing.

She looks defeated though. "Lousy hormones," she curses only loud enough for him to hear. Chuck squeezes her hand.

The couple look to the two of them, and Sarah stares blankly back. Even though no words transgress between them, Chuck can read the expression on his wife's face. She's a quick study. She knows.

"Miss Barnes, this is my wife, Sarah."

June wipes her tears and takes the blond haired woman's hand gratefully. "Congratulations," she says, her words tinged with envy. "When are you due?"

Sarah blushes. "Is it that obvious?" She tugs on her blouse, hoping to hide the innocuous bump. "Sometime in July." Chuck does a double take, then realizes why she's fudged the date. Telling her it was June might prove distracting.

Sarah glances at Michael, then his fiancé, as if unsure who to really address. "I'm so sorry."

June nods. Chuck thinks she needs this more than the actual patient.

"How did it happen?" she asked. "I'm sorry…I don't mean to pry…"

Chuck shares a look with Sarah. Even if he told her the truth, she would never believe it.

"There was an icy patch and I wasn't watching where I was walking." Chuck brushes his sweaty palms together. "Never know when these things happen, right?"

It seems like the wrong thing to say. June suddenly bursts into tears and it's up to Sarah to comfort her. Michael just stares at the woman he no longer remembers, guilt written all over his faces.

"And you didn't remember her either?" Michael asks.

Chuck avoids Sarah's gaze. He can't imagine forgetting her once before, and it scares him to death that he could just as easily do it again.

"No."

"When did you…" The couple stare at him, their eyes wide with hope. "Remember?"

Chuck feels like his mouth's just turned into a cottonball. It's so dry he can't even swallow his own apprehension.

"I…didn't."

Disappointment descends like a stormcloud, and the room becomes ten times more sombre than it was ten seconds ago. "I've never recovered any of those memories," he confesses.

June stares at Chuck, looking absolutely crushed. It's as if he's given them a terminal diagnosis.

Chuck realizes now, more than ever, that he's beat overwhelming odds to get this far. To fall back in love with a complete stranger and trust so often on blind faith alone, to rebuild a life together from the ruins...this is the equivalent of winning a billion dollar lottery.

June's gaze shifts to Sarah and she simply shakes her head, at a loss for words. "H-how?" she whimpers.

Sarah takes her hand. When she speaks, her voice is every bit as shaky as June's.

"I know how hard this must be for you."

Chuck stares down at his feet. It's been so many years now, but there are still days when he feels like Michael does.

"How did you do it?" June sniffs back her tears. "How did you start over?"

Sarah's silent for a long time and her sombre demeanour frightens Chuck. These last few years have been so hard on her and he knows he's to blame. It's precisely why he didn't want to come here today.

When Sarah finally speaks, he doesn't even think he recognizes her voice. "It's a scary thought, I know. Your life changes in the blink of an eye and you don't even realize what you've really lost until it's already gone." Her voice grows gravelly as she continues on. "And you'll wonder what you could have done different, if you could have prevented it—" Sarah takes a deep breath and sighs. "What I'm trying to say is...when these kinds of things happen, they happen without warning. And you need to know that this was not your fault. You need to know that there was nothing you could have done to prevent this."

Chuck wonders if she's still talking about Michael and June but Sarah doesn't look like she has any intention of explaining.

"Think of it as a second chance," Sarah says. "Like falling in love all over again." There are tears in her eyes now too. "I know it's hard, but look on the bright side. He doesn't remember any of your bad habits."

June looks to her fiancé, and Michael braves a smile.

"It'll get easier." Sarah looks at her husband, and despite her tears Chuck thinks they're tears of hope. "Whenever you have a bad day, you just close your eyes and remember a time when the two of you were happy together." She squeezes June's hand. "Trust me. It helps."

* * *

_It's the night before the operation and they're lying on an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar hotel. _

_Chuck can't sleep. All he can think about are all the memories that he'll lose. There's no way to separate the good from the bad. _

Either take it or leave it,_ the doctor had said. It wasn't a negotiation. If he wanted the Intersect out of his head, he would have to pay the price. _

"_Sarah?" he whispers. "Are you asleep?" _

_She lies so silently beside him he's nearly convinced. But then she gives up on the ruse and lifts her head. "No." She looks up at him, and even without a source of light he catches the brightness of her eyes. "Is something wrong?" _

_He shakes his head. "No. I just...I just wanted to hear your voice." _

_She slides up against him and rests her head against his chest. Chuck runs his fingers through her hair, trying to remember how it feels. It chills him that by tomorrow, he won't even know something as simple as that. _

"_I love you." _

_She tilts her head and stares into his eyes. She's so close he can feel her breaths warm his skin. "I know." _

"_I want you to remember that." _Because by tomorrow…

_She nods her head. Her lower lip trembles and he knows she's trying her hardest not to cry. "What if this works? What if you forget all about me?" _

_Chuck doesn't know how that's possible. "It would take a miracle to forget you, Sarah Walker," he teases. _

_Neither of them can smile though. A miracle is what they're praying for. _

"_What if you don't like me? What if you don't want to be with me?" _

Impossible_. "I will. Trust me." _

"_Chuck, I can't do this." She buries her face into his chest, soaking his shirt with her tears. "Please...please..." _

_He soothes her as best he can but he knows there's no turning back. "Sarah, this isn't the goodbye." He kisses her gently, savouring the moment. "When I wake up, it'll only be the beginning." _

"_This isn't the end," he promises._

"_This is forever," she finishes. They both smile. Neither of them can remember which cheesy movie tagline they're copying from but that isn't the point. Chuck knows it's big of her to say it. Sarah Walker doesn't believe in forever. _

"_I will always love you. They can take my memories, but they can't take this." He clutches her hand and brings it to his rapidly beating heart. _

_She nods slowly. "I trust you." _

"_Then close your eyes." He kisses her gently, one last time. "I'm not going anywhere." _

_They hold each other and when Chuck finally allows himself to sleep; he doesn't worry if she'll be waiting for him in the morning. He already knows. _

_

* * *

_

_...._

_so i was going to procrastinate a little longer but i had a choice between this or school, which honestly, was not a hard decision. i hope you liked it; thus far, this has actually been my favorite of the three to write. _

_..._

_will probably take another break before i write again, but you guys are quite the convincing bunch. Review, s'il vous plait =)  
_


	3. Sarah vs Ellie

_A/N: To lessen the confusion, i've put up a timeline on my profile. I have the "then" in chronological order in my head but it's finding the perfect "now" to go with it that forces me to change the order around. _

_If you are still confused, please consider reading my earlier works, both Chuck vs the **missing years **and **long days and nights** for further clarification. _

_So i wrote this awhile ago but never had the time to proof it or put it up. then i realized if i didn't put it up now, i might not for a long long time so here it is, errors and all. hope you like it anyway =)  
_

* * *

Chapter 3: Sarah vs Ellie

_When Ellie calls for a favour, Sarah agrees without thinking, not because there aren't better things for her to do but because she doesn't know if she'll ever get another chance to prove herself. _

_Sarah doesn't even realize how desperately she needs this until she realizes how many months it's been since Ellie's even spoken to her—not since her last break-up with Chuck. Even though her cover was once again intact, the on-off thing had gone on for much too long, and her dynamics with Ellie has changed. She was getting tired of all this, they all were, and Sarah knew what Chuck meant to the woman. If she wanted to hold onto Chuck, she needed to secure the asset's sister. _

You're so full of it.

_Sarah shook her head. _

"_Sarah—" Ellie snatches her wrist, taking her from her thoughts. "You okay?"_

"_Yeah." Sarah shrugs. "Why wouldn't I be?" _

It's Saturday morning and you're trapped in a mall for crying out loud_. _

"_I hope you don't mind coming with me." _

"_No, of course not." Sarah smiles, hoping it will relieve some of the tension between them but she knows one look isn't going to change things, not even close. She'll need several years and a miracle to make up for all the crap she's put this woman through. _

"_I like spending time with you." _

Are you sure this is just about securing the asset? _Her conscience is particularly scathing today and she wonders if it's more than because she's skipped out on her morning coffee. _

_Of course it's to secure the asset. Everything she did she did for Chuck. _

Ha. For Chuck, not Charles Bartowski—Intersect, Asset.

_Ellie gives her a strange look and Sarah realizes she's zoned out again. Snapping out of it, she pins on a smile. "So what's the occasion anyway?" It's an innocent enough start but she winces at the sudden frigidity in the woman's composure. Sarah's trying to make things better but it's only getting worse. _

"_Baby shower," Ellie says with a defeated sigh. _

"_You don't sound too excited." _

_Ellie gives her a look. "Would you be if you were going to be the only guest there _not_ expecting?" _

_Sarah gives the woman a sympathetic squeeze on the arm. "There's still lots of time." _

_Ellie nods, encouraged by her lead. "You're right. And Devon and I haven't really actively _tried_ to have a baby. And we're young. There's no reason we can't have one. And I don't even know if I really want kids right now. So—" she stops when she realizes how quickly she's speaking, how neurotic she's suddenly become. Even though she's rationalized why none of it matters, it does. _

_Sarah wants to tell Ellie she has nothing to worry about; that she's already light-years ahead of her in that department. Wasn't it enough that she was married to the man she loved? Didn't she realize how lucky she was? _

_But in the end, Sarah only nods in agreement. The words come out forcefully, almost like a lie but she doesn't know who she's lying to anymore. _

"_Yeah. Still lots of time." _

___

Ellie's powers of persuasion are strong, and even though Sarah would rather lie in bed and watch TV or soak for an hour or two in the tub, she's somehow been convinced that she would much rather go for a tour around the mall.

"You'll thank me later," the brunette says, confident in her assertion. Her words are so convincing that she's even got her son to go along with the idea. Subdued in his stroller, William gazes at the two women with a deceptively calm look of complacency.

Sarah just smiles and shakes her head. "Ellie, Chuck and I have more than enough baby supplies. There's all the stuff you gave me, and all the stuff from the shower, not to mention what we've got from Chuck's coworkers—"

Ellie cuts her right off. "Nope." She wags her finger, as only a woman who's survived the trials of motherhood can. "Trust me, Sarah, you can _never_ have enough."

Sarah just laughs. "What is there left to buy?" She thinks back to the crowded nursery and wonders if there will even be room for a baby when all this is over. Even Chuck's finally willing to acknowledge that they've gotten a bit carried away.

Ellie gives her a look of horror. "Left to buy? Sarah, you've only bought what—seven onesies?"

She shrugged. "Yeah...one for each day of the week." Seeing the look of horror on Ellie's face, she can't help herself. "Honestly I think we'll just keep the baby in a diaper most of the time."

The brunette stops dead in her tracks. "Sarah!"

"Just kidding..." Sarah assures though deep down she doesn't see what's wrong with the idea. It would be much less of a hassle. "Besides, I have all of Will's hand-me-downs."

"Yeah, in case you have a _boy_." Ellie arches her brows, her eyes largely focused on Sarah's prominent belly. "I really don't think you're going to need any of them."

Sarah rolls her eyes. She pulls the ends of her shawl around her midsection, trying to make the swell less prominent, but it's as hopeless as trying to hide an elephant behind a tree. Everyone was staring and trying not to at the same time, making their efforts all the more obvious to Sarah.

It was only one of the many reasons she hated leaving the house these days.

"Ellie, you've got your hands full, let me help you push the stroller," she said, trying another tactic.

Ellie laughs. "Are you kidding me?" she asked. "He hasn't been this well behaved since the first few days after he was born. This is nothing."

Sarah grimaces, thwarted once again.

"You can hold him if you want, for practice," the brunette offers with a sly smile. "He's gotten a bit heavy though," she warns as she hands him into his aunt's waiting arms.

Sarah realizes what Ellie means. He's nowhere near as light as she remembers, or maybe it's the extra weight she's been carrying around these last few months. Will seems to have noticed too, because he stares accusingly down at Sarah's belly and makes a face.

"Sorry, Will, space is tight," Sarah informs, struggling to find a comfortable hold. "It'll only be for a little while longer, okay?"

Ellie shakes her head. "Are you sure you want to hold him?" she asks, giving her one last chance to back out.

"This is good practice," Sarah asserts. _And a perfect distraction._

The woman only shakes her head some more. "You'll regret it when he's back to his usual self."

___

_They walk into the nursery store and it's a nightmare of frills and farm creatures. Sarah doesn't understand what can be so calming and endearing about a stuffed cow or sheep, but Ellie seems won over by them. The woman instantly walks over to the display for newborns and holds up the tiniest booties Sarah's ever seen on the tips of her fingers. _

_"Isn't it adorable?" _

"_Yes," Sarah relents. "But why would they need shoes?" _

_Ellie rolls her eyes. "Oh come on, Sarah, you must have thought about having kids." _

_Before Sarah can catch herself, she's already spoken her mind. "Nope. Never." _

_Ellie's brows furrow, her expression is not quite a frown but it's certainly on its way to being. _

_"Never?" she asks, her interest in the items ebbing away. _

_In the back of her mind, Sarah runs through all the possible things she could say. If she just grins and bears it, she can probably get through the rest of the day without incident. But she doesn't want to. Ellie is Chuck's sister, someone who once considered her family, and lying to her has just gotten too hard. _

_"I don't think I'm a very maternal person," Sarah confides. She's amazed how easily the words come out when it's not a lie._

_"Oh, that's silly," Ellie dismisses. Her expression lightens a little. "We're hardwired to be maternal. It's been scientifically proven." _

_Sarah grunts. She wants to meet the scientist who made the discovery. She knows she'll disprove it given the opportunity. Even being in this store unsettles her. _

_"Well, just wait until you're married. Everyone will start hassling you about kids," Ellie jokes. It's such an innocent thing to say, and yet both can sense the danger of it. Suddenly the conversation becomes a ticking time-bomb. _

_Ellie stops short and Sarah freezes. _

_"You _are_ going to get married one of these days, aren't you?" Ellie asks, staring at her. Sarah knows there's no item in the store cute enough to distract her now that they were on the dreaded subject. _

_She sighs and focuses her attention on a display of nursery mobiles, unable to meet the brunette's intense gaze. "I don't know." _

_"Well I assume that you are serious about my brother." No response. "Right?" Ellie's warning comes as a barely concealed threat. Chuck's sacrificed a lot for the government, putting his life on hold, but an order from Ellie trumps any order from the agency. One slip of the tongue and Sarah knew it would all be over. _

_"Of course. I love Chuck." Sarah knows there's no way for Ellie to refute the statement. She speaks the absolute truth. _

_The brunette's shoulders relax just the slightest. "Well..." She wrinkles her brows in confusion. "I don't see the problem. You guys have been going out for awhile now. It's obvious my brother loves you. Does Chuck need a nudge or a hint—"_

_Sarah's eyes widen in alarm. "No!" _

_Ellie flinches as if she's just been slapped. _

"_No," Sarah says, softer the second time. She doesn't mean to refuse as quickly as she does but a misunderstanding between her and Chuck will break the thin ice they've been treading on. The wounds of their last breakup are still too fresh. "I mean, we're taking things slow and we're still figuring things out." _

_Ellie rolls her eyes. "Right," she says, in exactly the same tone Chuck uses when he doesn't believe her for a second. Ellie sighs and steps between her and the nursery display, forcing Sarah to look her straight in the eye. _

_"I promised Chuck I wouldn't do this but I just can't stand and watch this any longer." Ellie's eyes are so serious there is hardly any light to them. Sarah's seized with panic, feeling as if her heart's about to leap out of her throat. This is it. _

_"If you are not willing to be everything my brother deserves, then you need to end this now, because I will not sit around and watch him waste another five years of his life for some girl who's just dragging him along." _

_Sarah's never felt fear quite like the way she feels when Ellie stares her down. "I will not sit around and pick up the pieces, Sarah. You are my friend, but Chuck is family." _

_The woman's words feel like crushed glass ground into her veins. Demoted from sister to friend, she knows she's seconds away from moving on from friend to acquaintance. _

_She needs to make Ellie believe in her. She needs to save her cover. _

Is that all this is about?

_Sarah closes her eyes. Why was this so hard? _

_"I love your brother, Ellie," she says. She knows if she tells even an ounce of a lie Ellie will see right through her. Her piercing green eyes are sharp enough to peer down to the very depths of her soul. _

"_I want this to work out but I'm not good at relationships," Sarah confesses. "I'm trying to make this work, really, I am." She reaches out for the woman's hand and clasps onto it like a life preserver. "Please, Ellie. Chuck means the world to me." The entire world and more. _

_The stone-like coldness in Ellie's eyes recedes and she sighs in defeat. "Okay," she says. "So long as you know." She eyes her again, a last warning. A final declaration that her love for her brother trumped all and no excuse would ever be good enough. _

_Sarah nods, nearly trembling after the brief exchange. "Of course." _

_Ellie's expression lightens as her lips rise to a smile and she squeezes Sarah's hand. All is forgiven—for now. Next time she won't get off so easily. _

There won't be a next time_. _

_No. This was it. She was treading on thin ice with both Bartowski's. It was in Ellie's nature, as it was in Chuck's, to forgive but if she ever slipped up again, she might as well ask for a reassignment. She would never be allowed near this woman's brother. _

_Sarah sighed. She was running out of time. _

Soon. _Soon she would have to make a choice, or a choice was going to be made without her. _

___

It turns out Sarah doesn't last long enough to be the unfortunate host to William's pre-nap wails. Her back screams at the extra weight and she's not five minutes in the nursery store when she has to return the baby to his mother.

"I told you so," Ellie teases in a sing-song manner. Catching the subtleties in Sarah's expression, she casts the woman a worried glance. "Are you okay?" It's amazing how quickly her tone changes. Suddenly there's nothing playful about her voice and she's seconds from screaming for an ambulance. "Oh my God, is it time?"

"What? Time for what?" Then it dawns on her what the brunette means. "No. No." _If only._ When Ellie's worried expression doesn't subside, she realizes she has to be more firm with her response. "No! Ellie, I'm fine!"

"You were grimacing..." Ellie pointed out. "And your hand—"

Sarah catches all her tells. She has one hand supporting her lower back and the other massaging the spot where the baby's been kicking all morning.

"I'm fine. It's just uncomfortable sometimes." _More like all the time._ "And I feel _huge_."

Ellie laughs and gives her a comforting hug. "Trust me, Sarah, you are not huge. You're gorgeous." Ellie rubs her belly affectionately. "And she's going to be gorgeous too."

"I don't care if you have a medical degree, Ellie, you can't be sure it's a girl." Even as she says it, Sarah realizes Ellie's silver tongue has made her a convert. The rest of the family are betting on a girl, Chuck especially, and she's inclined by the woman's insistence.

"I could if you let me..." Ellie says, sticking out her tongue.

Sarah scoffs. It seems to defeat the whole purpose after refraining all these long months. She's still holding out for a boy who'll inherit Chuck's perfect curly hair and chocolate brown eyes but she doesn't think it's in the cards. Not this time anyway.

"Don't worry, Sarah, it'll be over before you know it and then you'll wish for quieter days." Ellie rolls her eyes as she hugs William close to her chest, pacifying him for now. He has an impish glint in his eyes though, and both women know it's only a matter of time before he shows off his impressive set of lungs.

Sarah looks down at her swollen belly and doesn't think that's in the cards anytime soon either. The fact she hasn't gone into labour yet is proof the baby hasn't inherited her impatience. Take it from Chuck, the baby was going to bide its time until the very end.

Sarah goes back to her first tactic of covering her belly with the shawl. Of all the places to be, at least she was in a place where she wouldn't stand out—that much.

She avoids the area of the store that's decorated in pink like the plague, sticking to the selection of neutral greens and yellow purely to spite Ellie.

But alone by herself she's a prime target. It's inevitable when the shopkeeper approaches. "Can I help you, Ma'am?"

Sarah stares like a deer in headlights. "Uh..." She doesn't know what to say. She doesn't think she needs anything but Ellie seems to think otherwise. "I don't know."

The woman smiles encouragingly. "You're first time?"

Sarah blushes. "Is it that obvious?" And to think blending in had once been a job requirement for her.

The shopkeeper smiles genially. "You'll have your hands full, that's for sure."

Sarah clasps her hands over her belly. Did she look that incapable?

"Why do you say that?"

The stranger smiles naively. "Well twins can be handful for anyone, especially for a first time mom."

Sarah takes a deep breath. She tries to think about something nice and calming like sitting down with a cup of tea on a quiet Sunday morning or resting against Chuck and just feeling their baby move—who was she kidding—

"I'm not having twins," she deadpanned, her arms wrapped protectively around her midsection. Even if the baby couldn't hear the woman's words, she didn't want to take any chances.

The shopkeeper's eyes widen in horror. "Oh!" she covers her mouth, and looks as if she's just committed one of the most heinous crimes on humanity. "I'm sorry, it's just—"

Sarah glares at her, daring her to go on. "Just what?"

A part of her is curious to see the extent of her own patience; Ellie's been telling her she'll need a lot if she wants to be a good mother.

"Sarah? What's going on?" Ellie walks up to her, her arms laden with baby clothes.

The blond momentarily displaces her annoyance and turns to the brunette.

"Nothing," she says, letting the shopkeeper go. The woman dips her head and shuffles away, her face beet red with embarrassment. "Ellie, I thought I told you no more clothes."

"I can't resist, they're too adorable." The woman practically squeals as she holds up a frilly white dress.

Sarah winces and she puts a comforting hand over her belly, trying to reassure her unborn child that she would never put her in something like that without good reason.

"Ellie..." She takes the dress and the ones like it and puts it back on the rack. "If you want a girl so badly you can just have another baby."

Ellie laughs nervously. "Yeah, I could, but it's a little like opening a can of worms." Her eyes wander to the parked stroller only a few steps away. "Besides, this isn't about me; it's about shopping for my little niece." She rubs Sarah's belly, the smile creeping wider and wider on her face.

"Ellie..." she warns. The woman just shrugs and walks back for her son. "Just you wait," she says with a knowing grin.

Sarah watches her sister-in-law reach into the stroller and hoist the little boy over her shoulder, rubbing his back as he shifted between sleep and wakefulness.

_Soon. _Soon they'll see who was right about this one. Her eyes wander away from the exchange between the mother and child, and darts to the dresses Ellie had chosen.

What did it really matter? Either way, she was going to get everything she'd ever wanted.

Sarah looks to Ellie and tries to imagine herself in the woman's shoes.

_Soon_, she thinks as she rubs her belly. _Soon._

_

_The rest of the visit is unremarkable. Ellie and Sarah pick up where they left off, all those months ago, but the tension is there. It'll always be there. Sarah's proven herself unpredictable and Ellie's afraid of getting hurt and being disappointed. It's a defence mechanism she can't be faulted for. It's precisely why Sarah doesn't have friends. _

_If Chuck were smarter, he'd have one too. _

_Eventually Ellie picks out a few blankets because neither of them have any experience with this sort of thing and it's an easy solution. Out of all the customers in the store, they are the only two without a baby or baby on the way. _

_Sarah filters out the excited squeals and the peals of laughter around her, focusing instead on the inanimate folds of fabric being gift-wrapped behind the counter. Ellie doesn't say anything but she doesn't need to. Her silence and longing looks betray her. _

_"Do you think that could be us someday?" she asks, her face lifting with hope. Ellie gestures to two young patrons standing only a few meters away. One has a child balanced on her hip and the other looks like she's about to have a baby any second. _

_Sarah's already said the wrong thing enough times today to know better than to speak. She smiles and shrugs. "Maybe." The perfect noncommittal response. _

_But even as she says the word, she catches the expressions on the women's faces, the looks of unmitigated joy. Sarah watches the baby reach for the toy sheep his mother waves in front of him and she instantly thinks of Chuck. She imagines holding a child of her very own, and all she sees is curly brown hair and the warmest velvet eyes. _

_The shopkeeper smiles at the two of them as she rings in the purchase. _

_"Have you got everything you need?" she asks. _

_Ellie gives a simple answer but Sarah just stares on at the expectant mothers and their young brood. _

No. Nowhere near.

_"Sarah?" _

_Sarah stirs from her thoughts only to realize Ellie's gift is already wrapped and ready to go. _

"_Do you need anything?" the woman asks, gesturing to the countless items on display in the small shop. _

Yes. Too many things. _Sarah shakes her head. "No, let's go," she says, resolving to leave behind the thoughts that shouldn't be hers. _

_Ellie smiles ominously. "Still only a _maybe_?" she teases as she heads for the door. _

_Sarah takes a deep breath and allows herself one last glance at her surroundings. _

Don't lie.

_Softly, out of Ellie's earshot, Sarah admits the truth. And it's not a maybe. Nowhere close. _

_

* * *

_

_Next chpt is Chuck vs...i don't know, but i'm thinking something darker. We'll see. Thanks for reading!  
_


	4. Chuck vs the departure

_A/N: To lessen the confusion, i've put up a timeline on my profile. Please check it out!  
_

_If you are still confused, consider reading my earlier works, both Chuck vs the **missing years **and **long days and nights** for further clarification. _

_

* * *

_Chapter 4: Chuck vs the departure

_The alleyway is dark and all Chuck can think is how perfect the setup would be for an opening scene on CSI. It's past midnight and the tension in the cool night air is thick enough for him to chew on. He can think of a million things more pleasant than this—looking at flower arrangements for his sister's wedding, watching Casey prune his bonsai tree, picking lint pills off his fleece sweater—but then he steals a glance at the blond-haired woman beside him and suddenly this is the only thing he wants to do. _

"_Sarah?" he asks, tailing behind her. _

_She hasn't said a word since they left the party and he knows that her fingers are just itching for the gun tucked into her waistband. _

"_What?" she whispers, barely glancing at him. _

"_I'm sorry." _

_Her face flits with annoyance. "It's not your fault." _

"_It's not yours either." Chuck sighs. He already knows how this will end. By tomorrow she will have built up her walls again and he will have to redouble his efforts to break them down. He doesn't know if he can this time; there's a limit to his charm and he thinks as of late that he's hit his threshold. _

"_You're not a spy, Chuck, you're not trained to be objective," she informs, still refusing to look at him. When Chuck tries to take her hand, she moves decisively away until they are walking on opposite sides of the narrow alleyway. "We had a close call today. It can't happen again." _

_Chuck doesn't know what part of 'it' she means. The hand-holding, the kisses—or does she mean everything? _

"_I slipped up and you tried to cover for me. You did your job." _

"_Yeah, losing our shot at the intel in the process," she reminds bitterly. "Chuck, I don't want to talk about this anymore, okay? Let's just get to the car and go home." _

_Chuck sighs again. "Why? You think Casey doesn't know?" The wires are turned off, the earpiece is in his jacket-pocket, but Sarah still bristles at the instigation. _

"_You can't always clam up and pin it on Casey or your job, Sarah," he warns. He tries to get her to look at him but she resists, turning her head stubbornly the other way. _

"_I told you already, it's—" _

"_Complicated," he mimed. "Yeah, I get that. Your job's complicated, you're complicated. I get that. But..." Chuck didn't know how else to say it so he just does and hopes she can take the bluntness of it all. "You have to give me something to go on here. You have to let me in." _

_Sarah's eyes widen and she looks as if he's just asked her to jump into a pit full of venomous snakes. Not even. The pit of snakes was probably a better alternative than what he's asking for. _

"_I already told you how I feel about you," she says. "Why can't we just leave it as is?" _

_Chuck just stares at her. Her voice is so aloof, so indifferent, that it's hard to convince himself that she doesn't mean it. _

"_Is that enough for you?" he asks, trying to keep the hurt from reaching the surface. He's missed the point though; it's not a question he should be asking her. She may be satisfied with what they had but were a few stolen moments every now and then enough for him? For the rest of his life? _

_She looks away and her brows knot together with frustration. "Chuck..."she pleads. _

"_Fine." He gives up, and steps away, retreating to his side of the path. _

_Sarah looks as if she's about to pull him back but she stops at the last second and keeps to her side. Her face is a mixed mask of emotions, he knows she's relieved to have the subject dropped but there's the nagging omniscience that it will just come up another day. _

_They begin to walk towards the van again and Chuck knows Casey will make a snide remark about why they took so long to get back. If only Casey knew the half of it he would realize how overactive his imagination was. _

_Chuck turns to her one last time. He trusts Agent Walker with his life, but Sarah? Even though she had already told him the words he'd waited his whole life to hear, he just couldn't take them to heart. _

"_Why do I feel like you're just going to disappear from my life when all this is over?" _

_Chuck doesn't realize how astute her hearing is until she snaps her head and stares at him, her mouth parting in surprise. _

"_Chuck—" _

_She means to say more but there's a noise behind them. _

_They immediately turn their heads in search of the source but it's not necessary, not really. Sure it might have been a stray rummaging through trash or an especially strong breeze knocking over a garbage bin, but not in their line of work._

_Sarah has her gun out before Chuck can even speak her name. _

"_Get to the van," she says. Her voice is like ice pressed against his ears. _

"_Sarah—" _

"_Do it, Chuck!" she orders. Maybe if their night had panned out differently she wouldn't feel so determined to prove herself. Maybe if Chuck hadn't been such a screw-up none of this would have happened. _

"_Chuck!" her voice is so sharp it's nothing short of an ultimatum. If he ever wants to speak to her again he has to do exactly as she says. _

_Going against every instinct, he turns and begins to run down the alleyway towards the van and Casey. He speaks into his watch and prays help will be on the way. He does everything like he's supposed to but it all feels so wrong. _

_Chuck stops in mid-stride, nearly falling over from the momentum. He turns and stares at her back, watching her face the danger alone. _

_His gut sinks with dread as he turns and runs towards her. He's never been brave, not really, not unless he has to, and at this moment he really has to. Because as he runs he thinks about what Sarah will do if something goes wrong, how angry she will be when she finds out he's disobeyed a direct order. _

_But then he thinks about what he will do if something—anything—happens to her, knowing he had some way of preventing it. _

_He gulps. There's no way to win. _

_Sarah hears his footsteps approaching but it's mixed with the steps of the oncoming gunmen. She makes the split-decision, the wrong decision, to turn her head and look over her shoulder. _

_Everything happens too fast. _

_Her features screw together with frustration as she sees him but only for a second, because by the next second Chuck's collided into her, and in the one following he's on the ground, shielding her with the weight of his body. _

_Their eyes meet and he feels her freeze up underneath him. He coughs her name weakly, feeling like the air has been knocked out of him, and apologizes because it's all he can think of. _

_Dread seeps from every pore as he tries to hold onto her but she takes control and rolls out from under him, gun in hand. _

_Chuck stares in horror, as he sees her shirt wet and glistening in the moonlight. The stain is dark and it's growing, dripping..._

_He calls her name but she doesn't respond. She fires her gun at their assailants but he doesn't even hear the sound. All he hears is his own winded breath, rattling inside his chest. _

_He calls her name again and she finally looks down at him. Her eyes are like diamonds in the darkness, so bright it hurts to stare into them. _

_She leans down close to him, her breaths a welcome warmth to the chill that's chewing through his bones. _

_It starts to rain even though it's a clear night; warm, salty droplets. _

_He doesn't hear her, and he doesn't understand why. All he knows is that she's fading away. His worst fear comes to life. _

_He regrets everything he's said. They can go as slow as she wants. Whatever she can give him he'll take. He'll never be so greedy again. _

_He tries to tell her but it's not enough. In the end, he still loses her to the creeping darkness. _

* * *

Chuck doesn't like the unknown. That's Sarah's thing; driving a little too fast on the freeway, asking him to take a holiday at an hour's notice, picking a fight with someone twice her size; because Sarah doesn't worry about the repercussions until they happen. And even when they happen, she always seems to know what to do, like she has a contingency plan for everything.

Chuck likes hard-facts, numbers and formulas, because they all mean something, and they always mean the same thing. It's safe. Like putting together a puzzle or solving a Sudoku. He already knows the outcome; it's just the figuring out that takes time.

That's why he doesn't understand how this could happen. One moment everything's fine; Sarah's all life and laughter and the next...

_God._ He doesn't think he can even put it in words because if he does, it might be enough to make it true.

"Sir?" Someone grabs his shirt and pushes him back, away...away from her. Chuck doesn't hear what the doctor says, he just sees her fading...fading away.

He wants to scream, to run, to wake up and realize that this was only a nightmare and nothing more.

"Sir? Did you hear me?"

Chuck gulps and stares at the doctor.

"I'm sorry," he utters. Every word is a struggle, even his tongue is paralyzed with dread. "I don't understand. Please, please just help her!"

Chuck doesn't know what to do. He just wants to know the outcome. Sarah's the one with the contingency plans.

"We're going to do everything we can, Mr. Bartowski." Chuck tries to push past him, to get back to her, but the door's closed and the curtains are drawn.

He wants to hold her hand, but it's cold metal he's holding instead.

"Please just sign the form."

Chuck stares down at the clipboard, the endless army of square boxes and small type an assault on his eyes. He doesn't even know what's he's agreeing to and he doesn't care so long as they can make all this better. He wants them to take a big eraser to this and just make it all go away, like it never happened.

"Please..." he begs.

_Please._

* * *

_Chuck feels the dread before he's even awake. It tears at his heart, and no amount of morphine will ease the pain. _

_He knows what this means. What will happen next. _

_He's known since he saw the gunman take aim. Since the impact, the bullet and the fall, and the sight of her in tears. Since he closed his eyes for what he thought might be the last time. _

_No matter what he does, it still ends the same way. _

_Chuck knows it's time to face the consequences, but he just can't bear to. He doesn't want to say goodbye. _

_His eyelids flicker with indecision, but then he hears her voice. It's only his name but it carries a thousand other meanings and even the one word is enough to break his heart. _

"_Chuck?" _

_Warily __he __opens his eyes, like a fugitive peeking through the blinds. __He's pulled from the darkness by the voice of an angel. _

"_Chuck?" _

_He hears her rise out of her chair, but it's not until she's hovering over him that he knows. Really knows. _

_She smiles down at him but her eyes are flooded with tears. "You're going to be okay," she said, squeezing his shoulder ever so gently. "Everything's going to be okay." _

_But he knows better. _

"_I'm sorry," he rasps. He feels choked back by his own anguish. "Please..."_

_She shushes him and shakes her head. "It's going to be okay," she soothes, but there is nothing reassuring about her voice. _

_He knows. He's known from the second he took that bullet; that saving her meant losing her. _

"_Please," he begs one last time. _

_She shakes her head. Chuck tries to hold her hand, to keep her from leaving, but he's the one who goes first. He falls back into the dark abyss and this time there's no one to pull him out. _

_

* * *

  
_

When Chuck opens his eyes, he sees it's finally morning. A relief that. He feels as if he's just clawed his way back from the pits of a harrowing nightmare, and every part of his being wants to collapse in exhaustion and relief. He'd been so close...so close he doesn't even want to think what could have been.

He rubs his weary eyes and rises out of the stiff metal seat to check on her.

Like the calm after a storm, everything had fallen into a lull and it was just the two of them in the hospital room. Finally, some semblance of normalcy.

He walks to her bedside and all it takes is one glance to trigger the threat of tears.

She's finally asleep; her face a perfect picture of calm but the memory of the night before is still fresh in the back of his mind. He doesn't know how she does it; this is the first time their roles have ever reversed and he hopes it's the last.

He brushes her hair gently, combing his fingers through the tangles of long, blond silk. Her form is as still as death, and she's so pale he fears for the worst but her breaths are as even as the rhythmic blip on the heart monitor.

It's distracting but it sets the pace, because without it, he can't be reassured of the doctor's words. Until she opens her eyes again, his every breath catches in his throat.

_She's seen worse_, he reminds himself. But he hasn't. He has no idea.

He tucks the blanket in around her and kisses her on the forehead. She doesn't stir.

It's only been a few hours. He can afford to wait a few more.

Chuck sits back in his chair and keeps watch until he can no longer resist the lull of dreamless sleep.

* * *

_Chuck knows it's all over when he opens his eyes. Ellie stirs from her seat at the foot of his bed and when she sees him, tears of relief begin to pour down her ashen cheeks. _

"_Oh thank God!" She drops her novel and rushes to his side. "Oh thank God!" _

_But Chuck doesn't want to thank God. He doesn't want to thank anyone. He looks at her silently, the question too painful to speak aloud. _

_He doesn't ask because he already knows. _

_He knows she's long gone. _

_._

_Casey underestimates him as he is apt to do. Chuck doesn't need to hear the reasons, he understands. She was supposed to protect him and he was supposed to follow orders. He was supposed to let her take the hit. _

_Chuck doesn't even ask if she made the request or if the powers that be had ordered it. It wouldn't change things.  
_

_There is only one question he wants to ask but it's not a question Casey can answer. It's not something either of them knows. _

_Chuck resigns himself to the facts and the facts were simple: Sarah Walker was gone. No note, no nothing. Just gone. _

_

* * *

  
_

Sunlight streams through the blinds, directing their rays straight for Chuck's eyes. He winces and holds out his hand, trying to shield his sight before he goes completely blind.

A laugh shatters the somber mood in the room. "About time. Welcome back."

Chuck's so startled to hear her voice he nearly falls out of his chair. "Sarah..." He rushes to her bedside, scarcely able to believe his eyes. She's nothing like the woman lying in it hours ago.

"Sarah!" he exclaims. The sight of her is enough to bring tears to his eyes. She's an unlikely image of beauty; her hair lies flat and mussed and the dark circles under her eyes betray her exhaustion. But when she smiles, it's the smile of an angel.

"I was wondering when you would wake up," she teases.

She looks like another person altogether from the one last night. When he searches her eyes, they hold no trace of pain or suffering. They are brilliant blue, and as calm as a lazy summer on the lake.

"Why didn't you wake me?" he asked. "I was waiting for you."

She scoffs. "As if I could," she said. She reaches for his hair and runs her fingers through, tugging at his curls. "It's about time. We were getting impatient."

When Chuck doesn't immediately respond, Sarah wrinkles her brows. "You haven't forgotten have you?" she asks, shifting the weight in her arms. She peels back the blanket and raises the infant for him to see.

Chuck's rendered speechless. "No," he whispers, forgetting his train of thought. "Of course not."

Catching his awestruck expression, she laughs. "What's the matter, Chuck?" she whispers, taking his hand. She hands over the swaddled bundle, and Chuck's so afraid of dropping her he doesn't even want to take another breath. He freezes up completely, and he thinks it's better that way.

"Chuck, what's wrong?" Sarah asks, giving him a strange look. "Are you going to be okay?"

Chuck stares down at the infant in his arms. His baby. His little girl. It's such a strange feeling. For nine months he's teased Sarah about this first meeting, reminding her over and over of how she'd reacted when she held their nephew, William, for the first time. And yet he's the one who's stumbling now, shell-shocked and incapable of acting like a normal human being.

"Do you want me to take her back?"

Chuck nods eagerly. "Could you?"

Sarah retrieves the baby from his arms, and despite being a mother for all of six hours, she's a natural. Chuck watches in awe. There's really nothing she couldn't do.

"Chuck?" she whispers, and looks at him expectantly. His eyes carry a sense of bewilderment. There's no congruence between yesterday and today; this still all feels like a dream.

"Thank you," he breaths, and captures her lips in a long, deep kiss.

When they break away, she laughs loud enough to rouse the infant in her arms. "Is that all the thanks I get for having your baby?" she teases. Sarah kisses the newborn on the top of her head, unwittingly pushing back her hat to reveal a shock of dark brown hair. Chuck knows Sarah's especially pleased about the hair.

"No, not that." He takes her hand, and holds it with meaning.

Sarah sighs, momentarily diverting her attention. "Well I wasn't going to leave you to raise her on your own," she admonishes. "God knows you'll never be able to say no to her."

Chuck can't bear to smile though. He had never been so frightened his whole life.

"Chuck..." she says, her tone softening. "Honey, I would never leave you."

He finds it difficult to swallow all of a sudden. Of course she wouldn't. Not if she could help it.

"Those better be tears of joy," she warns. "I don't see what you have to cry about, I was the one doing all the hard work."

Chuck hastily wipes his eyes. "Thank you." He knows she doesn't want to hear any more of it so he just holds her and hopes she understands.

"Thank you." He knows there are other things he could say, he has a degree from Stanford for crying out loud, but when he looks into his daughter's eyes for the very first time, his already limited vocabulary diminishes and he doesn't know how else to express himself. "Thank you."

Sarah's eyes are bright with daring when she stares up at him. "For what?"

There is only one right answer.

He smiles. "For having my baby."

* * *

_A/N: i made the first half ambiguous mainly because i didn't __originally __intend on putting up a timeline. it was supposed to make you do a little guesswork while you read, trying to figure out what part of the timeline it fit under, but then i did the work for you. blah. _

_ as opposed to previous oneshots, this piece didn't have a full resolution because it's only part 1 of 3; i just couldn't finish the rest in time. I'm off on holidays; when i get back there will be a follow-up called chuck vs the return. =) _

_I'm off for some RR but some RR from you guys would be nice too.  
_


	5. Sarah vs the mistake

_A/N: I'm ALIVEEEEE! heh. took me awhile but i've finally got something to post. This is part 2/3. Please see chapter 4 for part 1. _

_as always, to lessen the confusion, i've put up a timeline on my profile. Please check it out!  
_

_If you are still confused, consider reading my earlier works, both Chuck vs the **missing years **and **long days and nights** for further clarification. If that doesn't help, don't feel bummed out. Things aren't supposed to be completely clear until about chpt 9 (yes...i've got quite a few chapters planned. we'll see how motivated i am.)  
_

_

* * *

_

_5. _Sarah vs the Mistake

_It doesn't really hit Sarah until she sees him. Up until then, the pain only flared when she tugged on her own heartstrings, as if there were really some intangible thread at her heart like a loose fibre on the bottom of a hem that she could pull on whenever she felt she deserved it. And she deserved it. _

_But when he's standing right in front of her, grin on his face, arms held open in welcome; it hits her like a ton of bricks and the pain is crippling. It's as if the intangible thread has torn away and her heart's ripping at the seams. _

"_Hey, Sarah," he greets. He raises his brows, expecting her to run into her arms or at least greet him with an embrace of some sort but the most she can handle is a polite nod in his direction. They stand apart, separated by an intangible barrier, whilst other passengers jostled past them in the crowded airport. _

"_Hi." She clutches the handle of her duffle-bag hard enough to make her knuckles pop. It's hard to imagine that all she has to show after nearly four years in L.A. are a few shirts and fifty dollars in change. Living out of a suitcase, moving from hotel to hotel—_

_The story of her life. _

"_How was your flight?" His nonchalance is startling. _

_Sarah stares and wonders how much their superiors have told. Nothing in his features gives even the slightest insight to the depths of his knowledge. He's the immaculate professional. _

"_Fine." _

_He holds out his hand, either to hold hers or her bag, but Sarah declines either way. "I'm fine," she repeats. _

_The man's face falls a little, but he's not one to give up so easily. Summoning the strength to push onwards, he smiles again. "I've got your new documents. We've got a room set up at the Ritz." He procures a set of car-keys. "Shall we go?" _

_Sarah dips her head forwards in some semblance of a nod. She doesn't know. Wishes someone else could make the decision for her. _

_Suddenly everything is so hard. The bag in her hand weighs a ton, every intake of breath is an arduous chore, and she just wants it all to stop. _

_But this is what she does best. This is how she's survived this long. _

_Because running is the only way you stay ahead. _

_Sarah puts a hand to her chest, the ache growing more and more unbearable. _

"_Sarah?" he calls, already five steps ahead. When he sees her and that expression on her face, he rushes to her side. "Hey...you alright?" His touch is gentle but even that is too much. _

_She swears if he asks just one more time... Sarah closes her eyes and pushes everything back into the box she's designated for these sorts of things but it's all too much and spilling over the sides. She's a mess. _

"_I'm fine, Bryce," she snaps and begins to head for the parkade. She doesn't know where his car is and she doesn't care. _

_So long as she keeps running, nothing can catch up to her. _

* * *

It doesn't really hit Sarah until she sees him. Until then the waves of longing have only been triggered by the little things like waking to find the other half of the bed cold and vacant or reading the paper and discovering that the daily Sudoku remained untouched.

But when he's standing right in front of her, dressed in his best suit with the most stupefied grin on his face, the realization hits her like a ton of bricks.

"_God, _I've missed you." She doesn't even wait to hear his response, just grabs him and pulls him into a hungry kiss. He doesn't fight her, but she can sense his hesitation. The way he just lets her take control.

_You are in an airport you know._ It takes her a minute to come to the realization. They're standing in the arrivals gate of one of the busiest airports on the west coast and they've brought everyone to a standstill. Bodies jostle past them like a stampede of wildebeests, all desperate to make their connections and return to their lives.

He wraps his arms around her to bring them closer, and it melts her heart that he still tries to protect her in any way he can. She kisses him again, and muses to herself what a strange sight they make. She's dressed like a bag lady; billowing dress, Chuck's old sandals and a belly that refuses to hide itself, to pick up one of the country's most brilliant minds. That, and the fact they're both grinning at each other like fools.

"Sarah?" he queries in disbelief , when he finally catches his breath.

She slaps him playfully on the arm. "Who were you expecting?"

"Not you!" he sputters, his arms still wrapped protectively around her. Sarah rolls her eyes. "I told you, I've got someone to drive me to the office."

"Oh him?" she asked with an arch of her brows. Her grin would be wider if her back wasn't killing her; it takes all her effort to hide the grimace. "I told him I'd take care of it."

"Sarah!" Even though she can walk perfectly fine on her own, Chuck insists on helping. "The doctor told you to take things easy. Do you want me to call Ellie because I know she'd be more than happy to keep an eye on you."

Sarah narrows her eyes at the barely veiled threat. "Chuck, you seem to think pregnant is synonymous with disabled." She pushes his arms away and insists on holding just his hand. "I'm perfectly capable of picking you up and taking you to your office."

"But I have someone who can do that—"

"I know."

"But I'm going to be in a meeting all morning—"

"I know."

"And you hate driving during rush hour—"

"Chuck!" She stops and has to seriously fight the urge to keep from slapping some sense into him. "I know. Now are you really going to argue with the mother of your unborn child?"

He takes a moment and looks down at the prominent swell of her belly. Reminded of what should have been fairly obvious, he smiles with irrefutable pride.

"I missed you," he adds sheepishly.

Sarah lets go of his hand, finally allowing him to wrap his arm around her. "I know."

.

Sarah finally sees how pregnancy can change a person. Not so much in the obvious putting on so much weight you have to wear your husband's shoes instead of your own sort of way, though that did come as a surprise, but there are a lot of other things she never expected.

Allowing Chuck to drive her beloved car...enjoying rush hour traffic...what was happening to her? Sitting beside him in the passenger seat, Sarah leans back and hopes the cars remain in a standstill forever. She's content to sit like this all day even if it's not something she can admit.

Chuck puffs his cheeks and rests his head against one hand, the other impatiently tapping the steering wheel.

"You're completely enjoying this, aren't you?" His eyes dart to the endless stream of cars lined up in front of them and then at her.

Sarah grins. "You're not?" she asks, sounding a little hurt.

Chuck shrugs. "Well, I couldn't have asked for better company, but I really can't be late today."

Sarah laughs as she reaches into his briefcase and pulls out the magazine she's seen him carry around for the last few weeks.

"I'm being put to the side for this guy?" she teases, pointing to the man on the cover. In a suit, he was like any other business man she'd seen, only he wasn't. "Worthington Roche." she reads, then flips to the main article. "Entrepreneur. Philanthropist..."

_"_And richer than King Midas," Chuck adds with a waggle of his brows. "I can't believe he's taken an interest in the company."

Sarah shrugs. She doesn't see why not. The man was an idiot for not taking an interest sooner. "So you're going to leave your loving wife and the mother of your unborn child to entertain some rich old man?"

Chuck winces. "Sarah, you know if I had my choice—"

"Chuck—" She laughs as she skims the article. "I'm kidding. It sounds like fun. Where are you going to take him?"

"I don't know, his wife is tagging along with us. I'm going to have to chauffeur a pair of old folks around town." He smiled at her, his eyes bright with mischief. "You think they'd be offended if I just took them down to the park?"

"I doubt they'd be as amused as Will," Sarah said. An image of the little boy chasing after a swarm of ducks suddenly came to mind. "There isn't a picture of them together, what does she look like?"

Chuck suppressed a laugh. "Why? You think there's a chance she might be anywhere near as beautiful as you?"

Sarah whacked him on the arm with the magazine. "Ah, practicing for Worthington Roche I see. Very good."

He sticks his tongue out at her. "What do you think of the name?"

"Worthington?" Sarah looks out the window to hide the face she's making. "It's...alright." It's a pretentious name for a pretentious man.

Chuck smiles deviously beside her. "You'd be okay with Worthington Bartowski?"

The idea nearly gives her a heart attack. "You wouldn't dare," she threatens, clutching her belly.

Chuck shrugs nonchalantly. "You said if it was a boy I could choose the name."

_Damn it._ She knew that was going to come back to haunt her.

Sarah smiles. "I was thinking Chuck Bartowski."

Her intentions cause him to do a double take. "For a girl?" he asks, wrinkling his brows.

Sarah's expression doesn't fade. "Is that a problem?" She raises her chin just the slightest at the unspoken challenge.

Returning his attention to the road, Chuck just shakes his head. "Not if you don't have a problem with Worthington Bartowski."

Sarah bursts out in laughter. _Poor baby,_ she thinks as she rubs her belly. She knows Chuck is only kidding, but she's not entirely sure she is.

* * *

_Night falls and Sarah lies in bed, trapped by her thoughts. She doesn't sleep well in strange places. The man sleeping beside her is no stranger, but he's not the one she needs or wants. _

_It's one of the worst kept secrets in the agency. Fact: despite all the glossy education and training an agent undergoes, ninety-five percent of the time they will still act on instinct. Almost makes the—government-paid, countless training hours spent—five percent seem trivial. _

_Sarah relied on that ninety-five percent though. It told her right from wrong, yes from no; and drew the line between life and death. _

_So when it told her to run, run before it hurt too much, run before she got too close, before she made another mistake, she listened without a thought. _

Proof you're an idiot.

_This was a first. Her conscience was perpetually in agent mode. Perpetually professional. Perpetually anti-long-term-plans. _

Doesn't mean you're any less of an idiot.

_Sarah ended the argument early when she felt the mattress shift and Bryce turn to face her. _

"_You're not asleep, are you?" It wasn't so much a question as it was an accusation. _

_When she doesn't respond, he draws nearer, much to her chagrin. "Jesus, Sarah, you're lying stiffer than a corpse." _

_His words had the opposite effect though and it only made her cling to the sheets all the tighter. _

"_What do you want?" she hissed, refusing to turn her head. _

"_Sarah..." his voice softened as he reached for her. "Sarah, come on. You can talk to me." _

_His hands were hot to the touch and they felt like a breath of life against her frozen body. Sarah shut her eyes. Her limbs loosened as she recalled the rare nights Chuck and her had to themselves. The man was like a furnace, which suited her just fine. She liked having the blanket all to herself, and she loved sleeping snuggled against—_

_Sarah opened her eyes, only to realize her lips were inches from Bryce's. Even in the night, she could see his blue eyes dark with desire. _

"_You just want to talk, huh?" she asked, grabbing his hands and flinging them back to his side of the bed. Snatching a handful of the sheets, she dragged them across to her side of the bed and turned with her back to him. _

_Her thoughts were a mess. What had once been a pleasant memory had now become tainted with the sin of another. _

"_You should have asked for a break," he said with a loud sigh. "Get your head back in the game." _

"_I never left," Sarah growled, clenching her fists on the thin fabric. _

_He snorted. "You've been sitting around for four years. You're bound to be out of touch." _

_Just for that, Sarah had the sudden urge to pull out one of her knives. "Perhaps you'd like to volunteer to be my target for practice," she said wryly. _

_It was enough to get a chuckle out of him. "Just saying, Sarah. Four years is a lot of time." _

_She could feel his eyes on her, gazing at her still form under the dim ambience of the moonlight. She knew what he was going to say before he even said the words. _

_Words she had fallen prey to once before, not so long ago. _

I've missed you.

I've never stopped thinking about you.

_But now they felt flat and inconsequential, and she was barely affected by them at all. _

"_Stare all you want, Bryce, but might I remind you..." Sarah turned, sheets still pressed tight to her body, as she looked him straight in the eye. "This arrangement is strictly professional." _

_The corners of his lips curled into a twisted smile. "Since when have you been _professional_?"_

_The accusation stung. Sarah sat up, the sheets falling to the bed as she exposed her thinly covered self to the cold night air. Chills shot through her as she was bombarded with images of the two men she's intimately shared herself with; Chuck, and then Bryce, a contrast between day and night. _

"_I'm sorry." _

_Sarah knew he was being genuine but the words were already out there and there was no taking them back. _

"_Sarah?" Bryce sat up and tried to take her arm, to coax her back to bed, but it was too much. "Hey, it's okay. People make mistakes." _

_The statement gives her pause. _

"_You're right," she said, distancing herself as far from him as possible. She took up a post in a vacant armchair on the opposite side of the room, curling up into a ball in the seat. _

_As much as she wanted to deny it, pretend like it wasn't true, she knew he was right. _

"_This is a mistake." _

* * *

Sarah returns home, eats ice-cream in bed while watching TV, and promptly forgets her morning conversation with Chuck. She drifts off after an hour of infomercials and only wakes when Ellie calls to make sure she's adhering to her bedrest, no doubt spurred on by Chuck.

Out of habit she heads for Chuck's office, and only realizes her mistake when she's already in the lobby, ten minutes shy of the noon hour.

"Oh, Mrs. Bartowski, he's with Mr. Roche at the moment," Marie, the receptionist, informs with an apologetic smile. "Shall I leave a message?"

Sarah flushes with embarrassment. How could she have forgotten? No wonder he wasn't picking up his phone.

"No, I don't want to be a bother—"

The young girl laughs. "I'm sure he would never think that," she says. Sarah smiles at the encouragement. "He should be back soon. Why don't you take a seat?"

Sarah looks over her shoulder, and realizes much to her own relief, that she's not the only one waiting in the lobby.

She takes a seat beside the other woman and tries not to stare. It's hard for her to believe that only a few months ago, she too had been that thin.

When she feels a kick in her side, Sarah rubs her belly, trying to ease away the guilty thought. She couldn't, not completely anyway, not when she felt completely out of her element. Chuck may still be blinded by love but the strangers on the street were not and she had received a fair share of stares already just on the short walk to the office building.

The woman remains engrossed in the magazine. Sarah tilts her head to view the cover, finally realizing why it was all so familiar to her. She's read it enough times to have the article memorized.

The stranger finally glances at her. She's young and pretty, but she has no hope of fitting in at the office. Her nails alone prove she's not the type to sit in front of a computer. Sarah wrinkles her brows. Did Morgan have a new girlfriend she wasn't aware of?

"Aren't you making a huge mistake?" she asks, her voice decidedly condescending.

Of all the questions to ask, Sarah has no idea why the woman would choose this to make her introduction.

"Uh, I don't know what you mean."

The woman shrugs. "Well what happens if your water breaks? That would be so faux pas."

"Uh..." Sarah's so taken aback she doesn't even know where to begin. As if Chuck would care what happened to the carpets. "That would be the last of my worries then, wouldn't it?"

In response, the woman slides her seat slightly away, as if pregnancy were something contagious.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to go into labour," Sarah reassures, all the while trying to keep her calm. The doctor's already warned her that fifty percent of a child's personality was genetic.

_Yeah, right. Good luck with that. _

"How would you know?" the woman asks, giving her a dubious lookover.

_As if you would know any better_. Sarah knows what she's not saying though. She's gotten it half a dozen times, and even though Chuck and Ellie and even the doctor has assured her she's attracting all this attention because she's so naturally thin, it doesn't make the fact any easier to swallow.

_Yes, I'm huge. Let's get over it shall we?_

"It's a good article," she deflects. The woman doesn't understand until Sarah points to the magazine in her hand. "Nice feature," she adds.

Distracted, the woman looks down at the item in her hand. She flips to the front page and smiles with approval.

"Handsome, isn't he?" she asks. It's only a statement, but Sarah wonders if it's a mistake to put Chuck in the spotlight. "Usually the good ones aren't good looking, if you know what I mean, but I dare say Charles Bartowski's the complete package."

Sarah grits her teeth. She should have warned Chuck not to smile like that for the cover. She still remembers the day it was taken. She had stood stubbornly behind the cameraman while Chuck begged for a photo of them together. With her belly still prominent despite an oversized sweater and a shawl, her hair in a messy ponytail and her swollen feet in a pair of his sandals; she did everything in her power to refuse, barely thwarting the infamous Bartowski puppy eyes. _Thank God._ Who knows what the woman would think if it had been a picture of them on the cover.

"Well, you know what they say," Sarah said, trying to be pleasant. "All the good ones are taken."

The woman looks at her curiously, then nodded. "I suppose you're right." She smiles smugly as she holds up her left hand, the diamond on her ring finger so large it was a wonder her hand could fit inside her bag. "Although it's always nice to trade up, isn't it?"

Sarah took a second, but there was no denying the facts. This woman didn't belong here.

"Mrs. Roche."

The woman smiled, delighted to be recognized. "It's Strattford-Roche, actually," she corrects, though the name held no distinction for Sarah. "And you are?"

Sarah holds out her empty hand and shakes the woman's. "Mrs. Bartowski." She knows the woman doesn't believe her so she pulls on the chain around her neck, flashing a wedding band and engagement ring now too small for her swollen fingers.

"Huh." It's not the sound of someone faced with defeat. "You're not what I expected."

Sarah tilts her head. She wonders how much longer she can play nice for. Chuck needs this but holding a conversation with the woman was like hugging a porcupine. Painfully unpleasant.

"You're not exactly what I expected either," she responds with a polite smile.

The comment causes the woman to break out in laughter. "Oh please, did you really think someone like my husband would be happy with an older woman? I'm going to take what I can while I can." She paused and shook her head sadly at Sarah. "You should too."

Sarah doesn't even wait to ponder the thought. "Chuck wouldn't," she said, jumping to his defence.

_Wouldn't what? _

Sarah's not sure what the woman means but she knows it's nothing good.

The woman shrugs. "Well you're still young. But trust me, he'll get tired. Men always do."

"Not Chuck." She starts to feel a kick and it festers into something nearly unpleasant. Sarah takes a deep breath and rubs her belly, trying to calm the baby down. She tries to think about something nice but her mind won't let her.

"And that's your first mistake," the woman says. She can't be much older than Sarah but she speaks as if she's well beyond her years. Her gaze shifts to that Sarah's bulging midsection. "You're naive if you think he'll love you forever. Love is just a fix. You're making a huge mistake."

Before Sarah can even launch an attack, the woman cuts her off.

"Whether you like it or not, you are ruining your best commodity. Sure he loves you now, but what about five years down the road ? Ten years down the road?" She shakes her head. "Nothing messes you up faster than having a baby."

Sarah leans back in her seat. The woman's lucky she no longer carries knives on her, otherwise they would have already found their acquired target.

But something begins to build atop the initial anger, and suddenly she finds it difficult to swallow. She's had guns pointed millimetres from her head and crawled out of burning wreckages but nothing scares her more than what the woman is saying.

There are only half a dozen people Sarah could say she's ever truly loved, but Chuck...Chuck was the only person who knew the real her, the only person she's ever really allowed in. He meant the world to her and though she never imagined herself to be the clingy or needy type, she didn't think she could live without him for longer than three days much less forever.

Sarah looks down at herself and can't help but feel a little horrified with the changes to her body. She wonders if Chuck will ever look at her the same way, wonders if the woman's right. What had been a silly notion ten seconds ago was no longer. The woman wasn't speaking to spite her, it was the truth. Worthington Roche was not the only man who traded up and his current wife was certainly not going to be his last.

If Sarah's work had taught her anything, it was the value of her body. A look, a smile, and everything could go your way. She wasn't blind to the way women looked at her husband, and she was certainly aware that Chuck in his well-meaning manner had a habit of sending the wrong message.

"I assume you and Mr. Roche don't have children," Sarah finally said, when the silence became too difficult to keep.

"Oh, no, of course not." The woman made a face, as if children were some vile disease or affliction upon society. "Although I can't say I haven't thought about it." If there was even a glimmer of humanity in the woman's calculating eyes, it faded once she opened her mouth again. "Child support and alimony rulings are quite generous in California."

The woman stared down at her belly. "Did you plan this?"

Sarah flushed red. "Pardon?" The woman must mean the pregnancy, but she'd never heard of a woman who thought of how much money she'd bleed from her significant other before conceiving. "No. But we wanted kids."

The woman nodded slowly. Sarah knew that look. She was thinking how Sarah had just proven her right.

"Hey, it's okay. People make mistakes." For the first time, Sarah saw the woman smile. "As long as you don't make them again, that's fine. You've learned."

Sarah took a long and careful deep breath. "You're wrong." She couldn't even back up her statement. She had no idea where to even begin. "You are wrong on so many levels. And so help me, when I no longer have to be calm for my baby's sake, you better hope you're not in my way."

The woman smiled again. It was an ominous expression, as if she knew so much more than she let on.

"It would be a shame if we couldn't get along, Mrs. Bartowski. I understand your husband was so looking forwards to collaborating with mine."

Sarah gritted her teeth. She placed a hand over her belly just in case but the baby wasn't complaining. "Do not threaten me," she warned, baring her teeth.

She knew she was losing her touch, but gauging by the look of fear that flickered in the woman's eyes, she knew she hadn't lost all of it. "That is one mistake you will regret."

* * *

_Sarah thought things would only get easier with time but she was wrong. This was worse than breaking every bone in your body—at least then there was some hope of recovery. When it was something intangible with no name to its affliction, there was nothing to be done. _

_Even after several months, Sarah still felt out of her element. She used to relish in being a part of something greater, but with each mission she only felt her grasp on the real world drift further and further away. She was drowning in the sea of humanity, and there was no one to pull her back...remind her of who she was. _

_._

_It's only an hour before she's to be at the function but her mind has already wandered off without her. Bryce is no longer kidding when he says she needs to 'get her head in the game' and though she's never failed to deliver on her end, the line is being drawn closer and closer. _

_"Sarah." _

_Bryce finishes with his cuff-links as he steps out of the bathroom to greet her. He's got his bowtie perfectly knotted and his suit stiffly pressed. He looks every part the wealthy patron to this evening's gala. _

_"Sarah, did you hear me?" _

_Sarah stirs and forgets what she was about to do next. She's got a tube of mascara clutched in one hand and a powder case in the other. _

_"Yeah, sure," she says, putting both aside. She smoothes her hair and thinks that it will do. There's no point to putting in the extra effort; without anyone to please the minimum has become the standard. _

_"Sarah—" _

_"We're leaving in five. My gear's packed." It's a lucky guess but Bryce isn't satisfied. _

_"You are—" _

_"Mrs. Anderson, married to Mr. Anderson, financier and hedge-fund manager." She turns to look at him. "Yeah, I got it." _

_Bryce takes a deep breath. "Fine," he says, even though he sounds less than pleased. "Good. As long as we're clear." _

_Sarah stares back at the reflection in the dresser mirror. There's nothing captivating about the person staring back, and without him to remind her, she no longer remembers what it feels to be someone special. _

_Now she was just ordinary. Someone who could blend into the crowd tonight. _

_Useful, but not what she needs. _

_"Do you think he's okay?" She realizes it's a mistake when she catches Bryce's look of annoyance in the corner of the reflection. _

_He doesn't ask who. He doesn't have to. _

_"Yeah." Bryce shrugs. "Why wouldn't he?" _

_Sarah turns away from the mirror and only allows the chilly night air to view her disappointed expression. _

_"I don't know." She shrugs but the facade of nonchalance is pitiful. "Chuck's sensitive. I shouldn't have left the way I did." _

_She hears a scoff behind her. "Don't give yourself too much credit." Always the professional, Bryce maintains his objectivity. She bristles at the rude awakening and the man catches himself seconds too late. "I mean, you did what you had to. You did the right thing." _

_Sarah sighed. Then why, after all these months, did it still feel so wrong? _

_"I saw what happened to him after Jill," she said. She tried not to imagine what must have passed through Chuck's mind when he woke in the hospital bed to find her missing. If her own turmoil was any indication, she didn't want to imagine how deeply she'd hurt him. _

_Always the overachiever, Sarah had outdone herself this time. Forget Jill. The mantle was all hers now. _

_"Give it a few years."_

_Sarah clutched her chest, grimacing to keep her emotions contained. "W-what?" _

"_Give it a few years," Bryce repeated. "He'll forget you and find someone else." _

_Bryce wasn't speaking to be cruel; he was just telling the truth. All things ease with time and like Jill, in five years time she will have faded into the past. He'll have a new home, new job...new love. _

"_Yeah?" she asked, holding back her tears. There would be a time for them later but now she had a job to do. It was all she had left and she couldn't lose it too. _

_Bryce nodded confidently. "Yeah." He pointed to the door. "Ready?" _

_Sarah stared at him. How wonderful life must be on the other side, where rational thought and objectivity ruled all. She sighed as she rose from her seat and slipped on her coat, pushing back any last remaining thoughts of a life that was no longer hers. _

_She knew she could never go back; it wouldn't be fair to take everything from him twice. This was a path that could never be retraced, and as she felt the last strands of hope slip through her fingers, she knew she had no one to blame but herself. _

* * *

Sarah hears Chuck before she sees him. She knows the sound of his shoes and his gait all too well.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" he cries, his voice echoing down the hallway. "So sorry I kept you waiting!"

Beside her, Mrs. _Strattford_-Roche collects her bag and stands to her feet. "Finally," she murmurs under her breath.

Sarah remains in her seat. She knows Chuck has to spend the rest of the day pandering to the couple, and it's more than she has the stomach for. Tagging along is out of the question, all she wants right now is Chuck, a nap, and a bowl of ice-cream.

"I'm so sorry, I lost track of the time." Chuck finally appears, and in three quick strides covers the space between the door and the lobby seats.

Sarah looks up and sees that he's a little more frazzled than this morning. His tie is crooked and his hair is adorably awry, no doubt a consequence of several hours in the meeting room, but his eyes are every bit as lively and warm as she remembers them.

"I'm so sorry!"

"It's fine, Mr. Bartowski." Mrs. Roche steps forwards to take his hand but he steps obliviously past her and kneels at Sarah's side.

"I'm so sorry; I had my phone on silent."

It takes Sarah a moment to realize what's happened. That this whole time he's been apologizing to her and not to the woman he's kept waiting.

"Oh..." She's at a loss for words. Then Sarah sneaks a glance at the other woman and she feels a swell of love for her husband. She chastises herself for even thinking he could disappoint her.

Sarah wants to take all of the woman's words and shove them back down her throat but she takes the high road and focuses on her husband instead. So this is what it must feel like, when good triumphs over evil.

"It was my mistake, I forgot you had a meeting," she said.

Chuck's worries are not so easily placated and Sarah feels slightly guilty for not leaving a message.

"Are you hungry? Do you want to come out for lunch with us?"

Sarah looks over at the woman and the man she presumed to be Worthington Roche though he was much shorter and thinner than she envisioned from the magazine. The woman stood as rigid as a statue beside her husband; there was a probably a clause about proximity in their pre-nuptials.

"No, I think I'll pass." She fakes a smile, but she knows it's as far as she can go. As much as she's missed Chuck, she's not up to the task of charming these two and enduring an entire afternoon in their presence.

"No?" Chuck's expression falls. "Okay, do you want me to take you home?"

_Yes._

Sarah shakes her head. "I brought my own car, silly. How many times do I have to remind you that I'm not an invalid."

Chuck shrugs sheepishly. "Do you want me to get lunch with you? Make lunch for you?"

_Yes._ _Yes. _

Sarah bites her lip. "No. I'm fine. Ellie's already brought over a million things."

Chuck's hand lingers over her belly and he chews his lip, fraught with indecision. "Do you need me to pick up anything? Do you want me to call Ellie to visit after her shift?"

"Chuck. Go." She gives him a push in their direction.

Towards the woman and her money-hungry eyes.

He takes half a step before looking over his shoulder. "Last chance?"

"I'll be fine."

_Please don't leave._

Sarah doesn't say anything though. She knows how badly he wants this; how badly everyone at the office wants this.

He's given her enough chances, and even someone as doggedly determined as Chuck knows his limit. When he finally leaves, she has no one else to blame but herself.

* * *

_Sarah lies in bed, flipping aimlessly through the channels. There are only four but she keeps cycling through them on the inordinately small chance that, by happenstance, something interesting will pop on the screen. _

_They've downgraded to a seedy little motel for their new covers, and the TV should have been scrapped for parts years ago, but it still beats doing anything else. _

_Bryce had gone down to the local bar; she had the night to herself and this was how she was spending it. _

"_Come on. It could be fun_..." _he'd said, but she declined. _

"_We could pull a fast one on them when they're not looking_"..._but still no. Sarah wasn't interested. She longed for a bed to call her own, a home that was hers—_

Burned that bridge a long time ago.

_Sarah turned off the TV and tossed the remote out of reach. She pulled the sheet over herself and closed her eyes, hoping for some sort of escape. _

_But all she could think about was a man thousands of miles away living his life without her. And despite every justification she'd given herself these last few months, none of it amounted to anything more than her own selfishness. _She_ was scared. _She_ had to leave. _Her. Her. Her.

_Suddenly there was a buzzing against her ear. It took her a moment to realize what it was. Sarah groaned as she reached under her pillow for the phone. Bryce had likely bit off more than he could chew trying to con some of the locals. _

"_Hello?" she groaned, her eyes still firmly shut. _

"_Walker." _

_Sarah shot out of bed, instinctively reaching for her gun. She recognizes the voice, knows it as she knows the voice of all her former partners, but that isn't what chills her. _

_It's the fact he's called at all. _

_That he somehow found her number. _

_That tone in his voice. _

"_You need to get back here." _

_All of a sudden, she's lost the ability to breathe. She gasps on the oxygen that once sustained her and presses the phone so tightly against her ear she can barely hear over her own galloping heart. _

"_What's happened?" she chokes. "Is he alright?" _

_He doesn't answer her. "Just get back here," he says and then the line ends. _

_Sarah lets the phone drop out of her hand. She stands up but it's too fast and the room starts to spin around her. _

_This has to be a mistake. _

_This can't be happening. _

_She dives for her phone and frantically presses the numbers she's had memorized for years. Nothing. Not even a dial tone. Tears begin to blur her vision as she punches in his sister's number, only to stop—_

_She couldn't. The woman would never tell her anything. She wasn't to be trusted. She wasn't family. _

_Sarah sinks to the floor, trying to ward off the demons of infinite possibilities. Infinite scenarios that all ends the same way. _

_He wouldn't call unless...unless..._

_She chokes back the torrent of tears that threatens to fall. _

_No. _

_This has to be a mistake. _

_This can't be happening. _

_But this is and it is, and Sarah finally realizes the magnitude of her mistake. The trouble was, she'd run so far ahead she didn't know how to turn back. _

* * *

Propped against a whole host of pillows with ice cream bowl in hand, Sarah watches an exercise program hosted by some pretty twenty-something in tight spandex shorts. She thinks wryly to herself that she had been like that, once.

Suddenly she recalls her conversation with the ever pleasant Mrs. Roche and not even the confectionary in her hand is enough to take away the bitterness of the experience.

"What a cow," she says as she switches the channel. She rubs her belly and chooses to read into the next kick as a show of agreement. It's enough to make her glow with pride. Suddenly inheriting fifty percent from her doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

The phone rings and Sarah digs through the sea of blankets on the bed to find what she's looking for.

"Miss me already?" she teases as she puts the phone to her ear. She knows she's only speaking her mind, but a little part of her hopes for some reciprocation.

"Missed you from the second I walked through the door."

Sarah laughs. He may not be the most eloquent with words, but he does know exactly what to say. "Good answer."

"What are you doing?" She doesn't know why but his voice sounds strange, like it is both loud and quiet at the same time. "Are you watching TV?"

Sarah shakes her head as she lowers the volume. "No, of course not. I'm not like you, Chuck, I don't worship the idiot box." He laughs again, and she's sure that there's an echo. "How's lunch?"

"I don't know. Good I hope."

Sarah wrinkles her brows. "Why? Where are you?"

She hears him laugh again. "I'm here."

Before she can ask him where exactly, he peeks his head into the bedroom and she's greeted with a pair of the sweetest brown eyes.

"Hey." He ends the call and walks over to her, handing her a brown bag before shrugging off his suit jacket.

Sarah's too shocked for words. She clutches the bag but doesn't have the sense to look inside. All she can do is stare as Chuck loosens his tie, throws off his shoes and crawls into the mess of sheets.

It's been three days since they've shared a bed together but when he snuggles up against her, it's as if he's never been gone. Everything is right with the world again.

"Hey," she finally says and restrains herself from smothering him in a kiss. They manage something a little more tender, a little more chaste, and at the end of it, Chuck grins.

"Ice cream, huh?" he asks, tasting her lips again. "I was wondering why there was none left in the freezer."

She slaps him on the shoulder. "It's the baby," she blames. "Has nothing to do with me."

He kisses her again. "I'm sure," he says, suppressing a laugh. "I got you something, open the bag."

There's simply too much sparkle in his eyes for it to be something ordinary. Sarah watched his expression carefully as she unfolded the top of the brown bag and peeked inside.

The smell hits her instantly.

"Bacon?" She might as well have screamed _diamonds _by the way she rummaged through the bag. Digging down to the bottom, she pulls out a cardboard take-out box laden with crisp, glistening strips.

Chuck's grin widens. "I heard it goes well with ice-cream," he says, his brows furrowing together. He makes a face as she grabs a strip and dips it into the half-melted bowl of frozen dessert.

"It does," she says as she languishes over the first bite. It's heavenly. She hands him the half-eaten piece. "Do you want to try?"

Chuck only pats her belly and shakes his head. "It's all yours."

Sarah knows her reaction is disproportionate with the object at hand but Chuck's gesture brings her to the brink of tears.

"Sarah, honey, it's just bacon," he says, rubbing her shoulders.

Sarah shakes her head. "What about your lunch? How could you just leave them like that?"

Chuck shrugs. "I've got Morgan to take care of it."

It's not much for consolation.

"Hey, Sarah..." Chuck wrapped his arms around her, trying to keep her from a potential outburst. "It's not a big deal."

"Not a big deal?" she repeated. "Chuck, you went on about that man for weeks. Next to the baby I haven't seen you so excited about anything before."

"Hey!" He looks slightly offended by the accusation. "That's not true." Accustomed to wiping away her tears, he used his thumbs to brush away the crumbs from her cheeks instead. "Yeah, I was excited about the funding and being able to provide for my family, but then I realized we could get by just fine without him."

Sarah leaned on his shoulder. She knew her husband better than that.

"You didn't like him, did you?"

Chuck made a half-hearted attempt to cover up but in the end he simply shook his head. "I have this hypothesis. The more money you make the bigger of a jerk you become."

He smiled as he hugged her close. "Plus his wife wasn't a very pleasant woman."

Sarah arched her brows. "I'm surprised. I thought she'd be all over you."

"Ha..." He laughed nervously, and Sarah realized she was right on the mark about that one. "Well I pay my receptionist for more than just answering a few phone calls, you know."

Sarah's smile fell as she recalled the regrettable conversation.

"Hey..." he coaxed, drawing her chin so she would meet his gaze. "You shouldn't have listened to any of that garbage." His arms wrapped around her and ended hands clasped over the hill of her midsection. "I give you full permission to knock out her veneers next time."

Sarah laughed. "As if I need your permission," she informed. "I thought really you needed this."

Chuck pressed his forehead gently against hers and gazed deep into her eyes. "Yeah, I thought so too. But I was wrong. There's only you, Sarah. You and our baby."

He could be so unbearably kind sometimes, enough to make her feel like the most undeserving woman that ever lived.

The first thing that came to mind were tears. Chuck's face paled in panic and he rushed to wipe them away but Sarah had quicker reflexes.

"It's just hormones," she said, sniffing quickly. It was more than that though. Nothing in her life had ever made sense until she met Chuck. Some people searched their whole lifetime for the one to complete them, and Sarah had the senselessness to run in the opposite direction.

Call it what you will, but Sarah knew she would never know another love like this. This was it. He was it.

She stared at him, wondering how he ever found the patience; how he could have had the foresight to know that this would be them someday.

_Oh, Chuck..._

He'd fought so hard for them, and she had dragged her heels every inch of the way.

As if reading her thoughts, Chuck just smiled. "I know," he said, and she felt like he really, truly, did.

* * *


	6. Sarah vs Chuck

_A/N: So this is NOT part 3/3, that's entitled Chuck vs the Return and it's coming along. I think i've confused some of you by calling the chapters part 1, 2 and 3. Essentially all the chapters here are one-shots that relate to each other in some way or another but the reason i consider chapters 4, 5 and 7 a trilogy was because i began writing it as just one big scene. i couldn't finish it before my vacation, then i got back and forgot what i was doing...and now they're three one-shots just like any other chapters. blah. so if i've confused you, just ignore the blip about part 1 or 2 or 3, okay?  
_

_as always, to lessen the confusion, i've put up a timeline on my profile. Please check it out--preferably **after **you've read the chapter. I think it would be more fun if you discovered for yourself where this might fit in the grand scheme of things.  
_

_And like before...it might help if you've read Chuck vs the **missing years **and **long days and night **(in that order). _

_

* * *

_Chapter 6: Sarah vs Chuck

_It's a rare August day in L.A.. The sky is actually blue and the sun, while present, is surprisingly subdued. It's her kind of day. Her favourite; and the fact it doesn't come around that often makes it all the harder to ignore the temptation to just drop everything and run outside. _

_She toughs it out though; slips on the dinky Orange Orange uniform and plays out her cover life. But all the while she's staring out the window, wishing she could be anywhere but here behind the counter. _

_It's been a slow week and it passes by even more slowly without Chuck to keep her company. Her cover life is kept busy though; business is booming in the yogurt industry. _

_As she steals a glance at the clock mounted against the pillar, she gives a sigh of relief. It's five to twelve which means Chuck will be on his break soon. It's the silver lining to the dread of customers who will flood in during the lunch-time rush. _

_She wonders if he will visit today. _

Don't count on it._ Her conscience has always been honest to a fault. Despite how dense Chuck can be sometimes, he knows not to cross the line. _

_Sarah hears the bell above the door ring and she suddenly finds it hard to breathe. It's stupid though, because she knows better, knows he's not that hopeless. _

"_Hello, welcome to Orange Orange_," _she chimes, trying to hide her own disappointment as she smiled for the patron. The woman who waddles in looks as if she's swallowed a basketball, or maybe in this case a beach ball. For a frame as thin as hers, the swollen belly is on the verge of being unnatural and yet she couldn't have looked happier. _

"_Hi, can I get a regular vanilla? Extra strawberries." The woman smiles at her, and for a second, Sarah thinks she's heard that voice before. But then she looks up at the curly haired woman and it doesn't trigger anything in her memory. _

_She shakes the thought and nods. "Of course. Coming right up." _

_Sarah completes the order and rings up the till. Just as the woman is about to hand her the cash, she stops and grabs Sarah's hand. _

"_Oh my God!" she gasps. _

_Sarah feels her heart rate go from sixty to a hundred; her senses kick into high gear and she fears for the worst. _

"_Ma'am, are you alright?"_ Please don't go into labour in the store. _The last thing she needs is a scene. _

_The woman is speechless but there's a smile on her face. Sarah feels encouraged. How many women smiled when they went into labour? _

_"Jenny!" There's a delay where Sarah just stares at the woman. "Jenny Burton!" _

_"Oh my God," Sarah utters. She realizes she's misplaced her fears and that there are far worse things to deal with than a puddle on the ground. _

_"I think you must be mistaken—" _

_"It's me! Veronica!" _

_Sarah can't help herself. "Oh my God," she utters, unwittingly acknowledging the association. "Veronica Slater." _

_The woman smiles. "Lalonde now," she chimes, displaying the solitaire on her ring finger. _

_Sarah can't keep from repeating herself. "Oh my God." _

_The woman laughs good-naturedly. "I know, right?"_

_It seems to go against nature to see Veronica Slater standing across the counter, married and very, very pregnant. _

_"What a surprise!" Sarah exclaims. _

_"I know! I haven't seen you in what? Ten—twelve years?" _

_Sarah nods in agreement. "Yeah, you've really changed." She doesn't even know where to start. The Veronica she used to know had always insisted on straightening her hair until each strand was fit to pass as a ruler. She was the most no-nonsense person Sarah had ever known, infamous for turning down one of the most popular boys of their grade and instead opting to stay at home to study. _

_"Yeah, you too!" Veronica gives her a look over, her eyes brimming with curiosity. "You work here now?" _

_Sarah's been asked enough to know how to respond, but it still bothers her every time. She braves a smile and nods. "Uh huh. Yup. Yogurt." _

_Veronica smiles politely. "I'm sorry we lost touch, Jenny." _

"_Yeah, me too." Sarah didn't have any friends the way Chuck had Morgan, but Veronica had gotten close enough. She still remembers the woman vowing to make the front cover of Fortune magazine before she was twenty-five. The way she'd denounced marriage and children as an archaic institution meant to keep women from rising above their male counterparts._

_And yet here she was, as big a hypocrite as any. Sarah wonders if Veronica still remembers that conversation. _

"_So, how are things for you? Anything exciting?" _

_Sarah's smile falls. She stares down at her bare hands and wonders what she really has to show for all her efforts. A few dresses, and a really nice car? _

"_Uh, no, not really." Sarah glances at the clock and wonders where all the customers are. She'll take any excuse now. _

_Veronica raises her brows. "No one important in your life?" _

_At the hint, Sarah's heart jumps. "No." She shoots the question down immediately, without even realizing what she's saying. The agent side of her lives for self preservation."Sorry, I meant yes." She takes a deep breath and shakes her head._

_Veronica looks at her curiously. "I have a boyfriend..." Sarah explains. "I just..." The weight on her chest doesn't budge and with each passing second she feels it more and more. "It's complicated." _

_Veronica gives her a sympathetic look. "That's too bad." _

_"Yeah..." Sarah doesn't want to dwell on the thought. The whole point of this break was so she could focus on something else. _

_"Listen, it was really great to see you again." Veronica grabs her hand and squeezes it. She's so sweet to remember even after all these years. Sarah's touched, really. "I just hope it's not another ten years before we see each other again." _

_Sarah's not sure what comes over her. It could be a combination of things, but she should know better, should know that she doesn't get to have friends in her line of work. _

_"Veronica!" she cries as the woman prepares to leave. When she turns around, Sarah doesn't wait for her conscience to stop her. "Do...do you want to have dinner some time? We could catch up..." _

* * *

It's a rare August day in L.A.. The sky is actually blue and the sun, while present, is surprisingly subdued. The weatherman on the morning news declares it a shame, but Sarah thinks it's perfect. She loves days like these. It's the kind of weather that makes her want to drop everything and go for a run in the park.

And yet here she was, not in a park but in someone's opulent backyard. It's not quite the same; the landscaping is fine and all but she would never think of stepping off the stone path and sitting on the genetically engineered lawn.

She hates that she has to be here. Her work has taken her to too many of these places before and she has no fond memories.

Thank goodness she has Ellie for company.

"Hard to imagine, huh?" the brunette asks, gently rocking the bundle nestled in her arms.

Sarah smirks. "I never knew you had..." She stops herself and wonders if it's rude to call it what it is.

Ellie couldn't care less though. "Relatives rolling in dough?" She makes a face. "Neither did I. But then Chuck makes the front-page of the paper and suddenly they're popping out of thin air."

She shoots an apologetic look at her brother. It's a Sunday afternoon and Chuck is surrounded by a swarm of men in suits. Even on what was supposed to be a relaxing weekend from work, he can't seem to catch a break.

"At least it's not the other way around," Ellie remarks. "At least they already have money."

Sarah couldn't agree more. Knowing her husband, he would probably give the shirt off his back if they asked for it.

Ellie adjusts the blanket draped over her shoulder, revealing a glimpse of the sleeping infant snuggled up against her.

"How is she?" Sarah asks, helping her sister-in-law with the fabric.

"Sleeping soundly," Ellie replies with a relieved sigh. "It's a nice change."

Sarah laughs. She still remembers how difficult Ellie's firstborn had been.

"You have the patience of a saint, Ellie," she says. "I don't know how you do it."

As if to remind them of his presence, the women both hear an unmistakable shriek in the background.

"Thank God," Ellie chuckles. "He'll sleep soundly tonight."

Sarah smiles. She thinks she catches a white blur pass under the hedges and the sound of Devon's baritone voice calling out a warning.

"Have you ever thought of more?"

Ellie balks. "I don't know. Life is hectic as it is, and I can't imagine having another." Then she gazes down at the baby tucked in her arms. Suckling on her tiny thumb, she's the picture of contentment, "But then sometimes I am so tempted."

Sarah smiles back. "I know what you mean."

Ellie nuzzles the top of the infant's head. "She's definitely got the infamous Bartowski curls." Sarah laughs. Even the doctor declared he'd never seen an infant with so much hair.

The blond reaches out and wraps her finger around one of the unmistakable ringlets.

"Don't worry, sweetie, I'll teach you how to tame them," Ellie assures, kissing her on her chubby cheeks. The baby stirs but not enough to fully awaken.

"She's perfect, isn't she?" Ellie asks, full of pride when she looks to the other woman.

Sarah gazes down at the infant, her fingers still slowly brushing through the mess of downy-soft hair. It's become a habit with her husband, but the feeling doesn't lose any of its significance in the transfer.

"Perfect," she agrees.

* * *

_Sarah walks through the sliding doors of the Buy-More and heads for the help desk. She's already got her eyes locked on the target, but he's completely unaware of her presence—for now. For now his expression is completely unguarded, and when he smiles, there are no strings attached. He's Chuck Bartowski, nerd extraordinaire. _

_Morgan notices her first. He slaps his friend on the back and points. Chuck turns his head, and his smile falls. The light in his eyes fade and he stands up straighter than before. _

_Sarah stands still and it takes every fibre of her being to keep the disappointment from reaching her face. There used to be a time when she had an entirely opposite effect on him. _

_He acknowledges her with a nod; a warning to walk no further. _

_Chuck gives Morgan a reluctant high-five as he steps out of the circular desk and walks towards her. His feet drag a little with each step and the smile he greets her with is nothing like what she's used to. _

"_Is something wrong?" he asks, his hands tugging nervously at his tie. _

_She's overcome with a compulsion to straighten it for him but she hides it by hugging her arms. She knows she crosses the line sometimes, no wonder he gets confused. _

"_Uh...no, why would you think that?" _

_He shrugs. "Well, usually when you visit it's a matter of national security." He winces a little when he says it. "So...who are we going to save the world from today?" _

_Sarah's left speechless for a moment but then her training kicks in and she smiles up at him. "Uh, no one. I just thought this would be good for our cover." _

_Chuck's eyes darken to a shade she wished she never had to see. "Sarah," he warns. "Don't." _

_She tilts her head to the side. "Don't do what?" she asks innocently. "It's just a cover, Chuck." She thinks she goes too far when she tries to close the distance between them. Already naturally resistant to displays of affection, he's especially deterred after what she's just said. _

"_I know. I know it's just a cover," he said with a tired sigh. "But I thought we agreed we'd take a break. So I could separate my life from work for once, you know?" _

_No. Sarah doesn't know. Her life was her work. _

_She bites her lips. She can feel all eyes at the desk on them. On the other side of the room John Casey is keeping tabs on them too. It feels like the whole world is watching._

"_Okay," she says in defeat. "I'm sorry, Chuck." _

_She's tempted to ask after him. To find out just where he spends his lunch breaks now. But then she would have to admit to more than she's willing to and that's too much._

_Chuck sticks his hands into his pockets. "Yeah, okay." He turns without so much as a goodbye, and Sarah wonders if he'll really walk away like this with everyone watching. _

_She doesn't wait to find out. "Chuck!" _

_She stops him and pulls him back. For a second their eyes meet and she sees a glimmer of the man she adores, hidden behind the wall he's built for himself. The one he's built to keep her out. _

"_I need a favour." _

_He sighs. "Okay. Computer troubles in Castle again?" Even though he's not happy with the way things are, Chuck is still willing to help. And her heart swells with love for him when he looks prepared to walk out the store with her when ten seconds ago he was doing the exact opposite. _

"_No, not that kind of favour." She knows she doesn't need him for this, that she can make up any number of excuses, but the truth is she wants him there. "An old friend of mine from high school is in town and we're meeting for dinner." _

_Even though Chuck's gotten good at hiding his emotions, he can't hide the look of hope that bubbles to the surface. _

"_I need you to help me maintain my cover." _

_Chuck's shoulders slump. "Oh." The brown of his eyes is lukewarm at most, but he accepts the request. "Sure." _

"_It's not anything fancy. You won't have to dress up," she rushes to assure. She knows Chuck's more comfortable out of a suit than in. _

"_Okay." He shrugs again, not any more excited than before. _

"_It'll be on me," she adds. "I feel bad making you pay every time." _

_Chuck nods with indifference. "Sure," he says again. "Give me a call." _

_Sarah can't help the disappointment that washes over her. Perhaps she's making a huge mistake. _

"_Are we done here?" _

_For a second she considers breaking a computer in Castle just so he'll have to leave with her. She wishes she had more willpower. The whole point of this break was to show that she was _not_ compromised. _

"_Yeah." Sarah doesn't know why, but she feels like she's ending more than just a conversation when she says it. _

_Chuck nods. He prepares to walk back to the desk, but seeing that they have an audience, plants a quick kiss on her forehead. It's a far cry from what she wants, but she realizes at this point, it just might be the most she'll ever get. _

* * *

Ellie is just explaining to Sarah how she thinks Chuck and her are related to the owners of this mansion when they are interrupted by a stately looking old woman. It's only two in the afternoon but she's already dressed in an evening gown, wine glass in hand.

"Hello, Eleanor, are you enjoying the party?" she asks.

Ellie takes half a step back and clutches the blanket and its precious content tighter to her chest.

"Yes...Mrs.—" She pauses, then remembers. "Maitland. Mrs. Maitland." She shifts the weight in her arms to extend a hand. "Thank you so much for inviting us. This is quite the party."

The woman smiles congenially. "Oh, this is nothing really. We do this every year with the family."

Sarah and Ellie share a subtle look but manage a smile and nod politely. They were only family now because of Chuck.

"Your son—" She points to the far end of the garden where Devon is trying to wrangle the toddler into his arms. William has a gap-toothed smile on his face and when he shrieks, it's like hearing a pig headed for the slaughterhouse.

"He's _delightful_."

Sarah catches the way Ellie frowns and it makes her bristle to think anyone would speak ill of her charming nephew.

"He is," she pipes up. She smiles at Ellie and squeezes her hand. "Wait until you see him with animals. I hear you've got a few. He just _loves_ little dogs." Sarah thinks she can almost see the flash of fear pass over the woman's face.

"Really?" the matronly woman asks. "Well...how nice." She takes a long dreg of her wine and grimaces. "And you are—"

"Sarah Bartowski." Sarah shakes the woman's hand, squeezing it hard enough to warn that she didn't play as nice as her sister-in-law.

The old woman's eyes light up in recognition. "Delighted. Your husband's a very brilliant man."

Sarah couldn't help but smile with pride. "I couldn't agree more."

"My husband has done well for himself too. I guess it must be in the genes."

The declaration is rife with irony. It's an opportune moment for Sarah to remind the woman that her husband had a large trust fund to pave the way while Chuck had to overcome impossible odds to achieve what he has. Hardly the same thing.

Before she can though, she hears a noise that sounds almost like a mew, certainly nothing to the calibre of William Woodcomb's lungs, and it soon becomes apparent that the infant in Ellie's arms is starting to stir.

"Oh, how precious," the old woman coos, shifting her attention to the baby. "Does it have a name?"

Sarah blinks. Years of cover-work in the service industry has taught her to bear stupid questions with a smile but she can't believe what the woman's just asked.

"Of course," Ellie says, hugging the infant tighter to her chest. Despite being no more than a few weeks old, the baby senses that something is wrong. She looks to Sarah with her wide blue eyes, the corner of her lips pulling into a frown.

"_Shh..._" Sarah strokes the baby's hair tenderly. "It's okay."

"It's Chuck," Ellie informs, doing her share to keep the infant from crying.

The old woman makes no secret of her disapproval. "You named your baby after your _brother_?" She steals a glance at the named relation, who was still immersed in conversation with the others. "That's a little strange, isn't it?"

Ellie frowns. "I beg your pardon?"

The old woman plasters on a smile. "I mean...why name your baby after your brother? It's bad form. What about your father, or grandfather?"

Sarah bites down on her tongue. She takes a deep breath, having promised to behave herself in front of her husband's distant relations.

"Chuck is named after her father actually," Ellie clarifies.

Sarah nearly bursts out in laughter when she sees the look of horror on the old woman's face. She's tempted to point out Ellie's mistake but the moment is too golden.

"You had a child with your _brother_?" Mrs. Maitland's hands tremble so badly the wine threatens to slosh over the side of the glass.

Ellie's face blanches. "What?" She looks at Sarah with bewilderment. "Oh my God! No!" She shakes her head with fervour. "How could you think that?" She covers the baby's ears, too appalled to even allow the infant to hear the accusation.

"Well what do you expect me to think with a remark like that?" the old woman demands. Color rises to her otherwise bleach white skin. "Your husband's name isn't Chuck, now is it?"

Sarah would have allowed the ruse to continue but she can't stand the accusations that are being thrown at poor Ellie.

"No, but my husband's is." She takes the infant from the woman's arms, holding her daughter securely against her chest. Sarah's arms instinctively adjust to the weight of the precious bundle and when the baby rests against her collarbone, it's as if the groove was shaped for her little chin.

"Oh!" The old woman nearly collapses with relief. "Thank God!"

* * *

_Sarah checks her cell for what feels like the fifth time in five minutes. When the display remains blank, she shoots an apologetic smile at the people seated across from her._

"_I'm so sorry," she says. "He must be running late." _

Or maybe he's ignoring your calls.

_Veronica shakes her head. "Oh no, it's not a problem," she smiles but it only makes Sarah feel worse. Now she's getting the pity vote. _

"_Yeah, traffic in L.A. is terrible. That's why we had to leave." Cal Lalonde, Veronica's husband, offers up. He's a lawyer just like her; five years ago they met in the waiting room of one of L.A.'s top law firms while vying for the same position. _

_Some things in life just aren't fair. Veronica got the job, and the man. _

"_But we miss it," Veronica quickly adds, smiling at her friend. "It's fun to come down once in awhile for a visit." _

_Sarah hides behind a smile of her own. She feels like a terrible person but it's hard to watch them when they are so head over heels in love. He's got the expression of a lovesick puppy and when both of them join hands over her swollen belly, it's nearly too much for her to take. _

_Maybe that's why she doesn't have friends. _

_Sensing Sarah's silence as a sign, Cal slides out of the booth. "Let me go check on our food," he says and leaves the two of them alone. _

"_I'm so sorry, Veronica," Sarah confesses. "I'm such a third wheel." _

_The woman laughs. "Don't worry, he doesn't mind." _

_Sarah checks her phone again but there are no new messages. _

"_He's real, I swear." She already knows how pathetic she is. She's nearly thirty and working at a place for people half her age. She lives out of a hotel room, doesn't own anything that wouldn't fit into a single suitcase, and her pseudo-boyfriend is nearly an hour late for their date. _

_Veronica nods her head. "Of course he is," she says, and there is no doubt at all in her voice. "I know what it's like for people to judge." _

_Sarah tilts her head. She wonders if they are wandering into dangerous waters. _

"_I'll admit I was surprised to see you working at the yogurt store, but I'd be a huge hypocrite if I told you what you should and shouldn't have done." _

_Veronica shakes her head slowly, reminiscing on things long past. "I never told you did I...but I quit my job about five years ago. You know, _that _job." _

"_Oh my God." Sarah doesn't know if she should congratulate or console her. Everything Veronica ever did had been to reach that goal. _

_She shrugs. "I know. I've dreamed about it since I was a little girl, but when I finally had it, I don't know...it wasn't what I thought it would be." She makes a face. "I sound like a brat, don't I?" _

_Sarah's silent. She doesn't want to draw any conclusions too quickly or her conscience will jump at the chance to remind her how it's just not the same. _

"_The truth is, life was lonely at the top. When you're up there, the only place to go is down." There is no regret in her voice when she tells Sarah how she ended what had been her dream career. _

"_Was it hard?" _

_Veronica stares off deep in thought. "The moments leading up to it, yes. I really didn't know anything else. I had Cal though." Her eyes suddenly sparkle with mischief. "Would it be terrible of me to say that I considered becoming a housewife?" _

_Sarah nods. "Yes, terrible," she teases. _

_Veronica laughs. "Life is so much simpler when money isn't a concern." _

_Sarah tilts her head in query. "Is it?" _

"_Isn't it?" Veronica stares at her, daring her to contradict her. "If you're not working to make money, then you'd better like what you're doing." She smiles. "I was working eighty hour weeks, I had three Blackberries and two assistants. I saw Cal maybe once a week if I was lucky." Veronica's hand runs over her prominent belly and her face visibly glows with happiness._

"_You only live once and that's no way to live." _

* * *

Mrs. Maitland is not completely satisfied with Sarah's answer.

"But Chuck's not a very appropriate name for a little girl."

Sarah wrinkles her brows. Like Ellie she feels the need to shield her daughter's ears from this kind of slander.

It hurts Sarah's cheeks to smile but she does so anyway. "What would you suggest then?" she asks through gritted teeth.

"Well, a _real_ girl's name. Something proper. Like Eleanor, for example."

Sarah shares a look with her sister-in-law. The thought had crossed her mind more than once but the bearer of the namesake had refused the honor.

"I think Chuck is a wonderful name," Sarah said, staring down at her daughter. She's too young to have her own personality, or so the doctor says, but Sarah can already see the parallels; the sweetness in her disposition, the way her brows furrow just so when she's concentrating on something, and that smile—it's calibre is every bit on par with her father's in terms of charm.

Sarah doesn't think she could have picked a more suitable name.

"It's actually Charlotte," Ellie said, eager to mediate. "We just call her Chuck as a nickname. Like Charlie or Chicklet or Chickie..." She smiled proudly at her niece. "She's only a few months old but she's already amassed quite the collection of nicknames."

The old woman narrowed her eyes. "Well..." she said with a stiff look of censure. "You should just call her Charlotte then. You're just going to confuse her."

Sarah laughed. She stares into her daughter's eyes, pale blue orbs as pure as an unpolluted sky.

"Somehow I doubt that," she said.

The old woman's nostrils flare at the blatant disregard. "Well, don't say I didn't warn you."

Sarah smiles and this time she's genuinely amused. If her daughter's inherited even a fraction of her genes, it'll be the least of her worries.

* * *

_Sarah's given up checking her cell. It's an hour into dinner, the food's just arrived and she's convinced Chuck isn't going to show. _

_She wonders if she's becoming jaded when she hears Casey's voice ring in her ear. _

In the end, people will just let you down. _She's not used to disappointment though, especially not from Chuck. _

_Across the table Cal murmurs something in Veronica's ear. She smiles and kisses him sweetly. Sarah has to avert her eyes, even though they've been nothing but respectful this entire time she still can't bear to watch. _

_She's just about to dig into her pasta when she hears something rustle beside her. _

"_Hi..." she hears, the sound akin to a breathless sigh. "I'm sorry I'm late." _

_She looks up to see Chuck, leaning against the table for support, a clear layer of sweat dripping from his forehead. _

_Sarah jumps from her seat and rushes to his side. She instantly assumes the worst, and checks his forehead for any telltale bruises or bloodstains. _

"_Chuck, are you okay?" _

"_I'm sorry..." he pants. "I'm sorry I'm late." He holds up the gift bag in his hand and delivers it to Veronica. "Honey, you forgot the gift at home." _

_He gives her the subtlest of winks and kisses her on the cheek. _

_Sarah's speechless, and so is everyone else. Veronica peers into the gift bag and pulls out three receiving blankets, wrapped in tissue paper and silk ribbon. _

"_Oh, Jenny," she gasps, stroking the soft material. "It's beautiful. You shouldn't have." She looks over at Chuck who's slowly recovering from his run. "And to you too, Chuck. It's Chuck, right?" _

_Chuck nods and urges Sarah to take a seat. "Yeah. And it's nothing really. Jenny picked them out. I'm just the delivery boy." _

_Sarah steals a glance at him, hoping to catch his eye but Chuck doesn't turn to meet her gaze. _

_The sounds of the restaurant fade; Sarah vaguely hears him introduce himself as her boyfriend. She thinks he's got Cal engaged in a conversation about the latest software, but her thoughts are elsewhere. _

_She never told Chuck anything about a baby, which could only mean that he discovered the fact for himself...when? She'd only asked him for the favour yesterday. _

_Sarah leans closer to him. His acting is so spot on that no one even suspects. _

"_Thank you," she whispers, taking his hand under the table. She knows he would have been on time had he not run out of his way to find a gift. _

_Chuck smiles down at her. "You're welcome," he mouths silently. His eyes are like a fountain of molten chocolate; he's the sweetest thing she's ever known. _

"_You didn't have to," she whispers. She doesn't know why he keeps doing these things for her. _

_Chuck just stares, as if it was never a matter of choice. "But I wanted to." _

_It's hard for Sarah to tell if he's just pretending for their cover or if he genuinely means it but she wants to believe. Wants to believe her friend's life could be her own. _

_And for once, her conscience has nothing to say. _

* * *

It seems to go against nature that when William Woodcomb is returned to his mother's arms, he's still wild with energy. Sarah shares a look with Ellie, and while she loves her nephew to pieces, she's somewhat relieved her own child does little more than eat and sleep.

"Babe, you were supposed to tire him out," Ellie complained. By the looks of things, it seemed that her husband had misunderstood those orders and done the complete opposite.

"It's harder than it looks," he said, gasping for breath.

"Devon, he's two," she reminded, trying to keep the squirming toddler from falling out of her arms. "How hard can it be?"

Behind them, Chuck laughs. The dynamics are off without him and when he steps beside Sarah, they are finally one complete family unit.

"I think we've got the makings of a marathon man, yah?" Chuck asks as he holds his hands out for a high-five.

"Yah!" William roars, swatting his grimy paws against his uncle's.

"Chuck, don't overexcite him!" Ellie warns as she finally relinquishes her hold and drops the toddler to the ground. He falls and bounces back to his feet like a rubber ball. "I swear, Devon, teaching him to walk was a huge mistake. We should have just kept him in the playpen."

Devon smiles down at his son with pride. "If we kept him in there any longer, he would have learned how to climb out. Look at him, he's a natural athlete."

William beamed back proudly. "Yah!" he hollered at the top of his lungs.

Sarah and Chuck laughed, much to Ellie's chagrin. "Don't encourage him!" she chastised.

"Momma!" William tugged on his mother's leg, and then pointed at his aunt and the bundle in her arms. "Mine!"

Ellie pales. "No! Not yours," she corrects. "That's Aunt Sarah's."

William shakes his head furiously. "You said play!" he accuses. Despite having a limited vocabulary, his accusation is spot on.

Chuck laughed. "He's right, Sis. You're the one who's got him all excited about the baby."

Ellie narrows her eyes at him. "No, William, she's still too small. You're going to have to wait."

William shakes his head. Waiting is not something he knows how to do. "Mine! I wanna!" He holds out his hands and looks pleadingly at his aunt.

Sarah smiles and bends down to his level. "Okay, Will."

"No!" Ellie immediately stoops down and tries to intervene. "Don't you remember what he did to those ducks at the park? He's not ready."

Sarah's surprised she's not more concerned. Her training has taught her to consider all the possibilities, to analyze every feasible outcome from a situation. And yet somehow she still doesn't see the harm of allowing her nephew to hold the baby.

"Will, can you promise to be careful?" she asks, staring the young boy straight in the eye.

He nods eagerly, his entire body shaking with excitement.

Ellie tries one last time. "Sarah—"

"It's okay," Chuck says, giving his sister's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "It'll be fine."

Sarah holds her breath and she feels the slightest twinge of apprehension as she passes her most precious treasure into the hands of a two year old. Most of the blankets fall to the ground but William manages to wrap his arms around the baby's midsection. He grunts at the effort of holding her upright, and both sets of parents hover all around him, ready to catch either one of them should they fall.

Sarah lets out a sigh of relief as William grins back at her. He looks down at the strange bundle he's holding and after some hesitation, plants a peck into her mess of curls. Charlotte scrunches her face in annoyance but doesn't go beyond that. She seems to tolerate being in the hands of someone so unreliable but only just.

"Okay, William, be careful now, you hear?" Ellie chides. William nods as he begins to toddle away, swaying from side to side. He doesn't let go of his cousin but he grunts with the exertion of the added weight, and after two steps, Charlotte's feet are nearly dragging across the ground.

Ellie's never looked more horrified but Sarah just smiles.

"Ellie, relax, he won't get far..." She tries to call the woman back but Ellie's intent on being there the second either of them falls. Devon simply rolls his eyes and races to catch up with his wife.

As Sarah watches on, she feels her husband's arms suddenly wrap around her, pulling her close. She's so content as is that if Chuck tries anything, anything at all, she thinks her heart will simply burst from all the love.

"Thank you for coming today. I know it's not really your idea of a good time." He nuzzles her neck and plants a kiss on her cheek.

Sarah laughs. "What do you think my idea of a good time entails?" she challenges.

He shrugs. "Not hanging out with my snobby distant relations, that's for sure." He kisses her again, on the lips this time, and Sarah wishes he hadn't. Now she's afraid she'll agree to his next wild request. "Don't worry. I think I've bored them enough so they'll never bother us again."

Sarah smiles. From the corner of her eye, she spies Ellie trying to negotiate with her son for Charlotte. The little boy clutches onto his cousin dearer than his security blanket, and even Sarah's beginning to worry when she'll have her daughter back in her arms again.

"Well, this isn't so bad. As long as it's once a year," she relents.

Chuck looks genuinely shocked. "Liar," he says, and sticks out his tongue.

Sarah shrugs. He's right. This wasn't her idea of a good time. She still hates that she has to be here. Her work has taken her to too many of these places before and she has no fond memories. And yet when she thinks about Chuck and their little one, about the family so dear to her and who've got her surrounded, there's no place she'd rather be.

* * *

_Sarah's not a fan of hospitals. The smell always gets to her, always brings on terrifying memories of waking up in a strange place, strapped to a gambit of machines and plugged full of drugs. _

_But this time it's different. Everyone she passes in the hall looks happy to be here. There are no ominous silences, no tears of anything short of joy. _

_At the threshold she stops and double-checks the number written on her palm._

_This is it. _

_"Hey..." she whispers, treading softly to her friend's bedside. She places the flowers with the growing pile on the window-sill and takes a seat next to her._

_Veronica leans against the pillar of pillows, shifting her arms as to better display the sleeping baby in her arms. _

_Sarah stares in awe. Words escape her. _

_Veronica laughs softly. "Do you want to hold him?" _

_Sarah immediately declines. "No!" she says, and takes a step back in case her friend insists. "I'm not good with babies." _

_"That's not possible. They don't do anything but sleep." _

_Sarah insists and shakes her head. "Not around me." _

_Veronica's eyes glint with mischief. "You know this is going to be you someday. You might as well get in some practice while you can." _

_Sarah laughs. "I'm sorry to disappoint, Veronica, but I don't think so." _

_The woman shrugs, not entirely convinced. "Whatever you say," she teases. "But you just wait. One of these days you'll meet a guy who will change the way you see the world. Then you'll realize that there are things in your life worth fighting for." _

That isn't the problem.

_Sarah's smile falls and she looks down into her lap. "My life is complicated," she explains. "I'm not the type." _

_Veronica just shakes her head. "Whatever you say," she replies with a knowing smile. _

_"It is," Sarah insists. For a second it feels like deja vu; only she's not in braces anymore and the tables have turned.  
_

_"Uh-huh." _

_"Veronica—" _

_"Whatever you say," the woman repeats. "You watch." _

_Sarah leans back in the chair. She knows she'll never win an argument against a lawyer, so she shuts her mouth and follows the advice, watching Veronica gaze down at her newborn._

It's not for you_. __But the look of pure joy on her friend's face is nearly enough to convince her otherwise. _

It's not for you_, the voice repeats, stronger than before. Her conscience is right. It's always been right.  
_

_But Sarah looks on, and despite knowing better, hopes Veronica will prove her wrong. _

_

* * *

_

ahh, i'm in a chatty mood tonight.

So i'm aware that this chapter might have felt different compared to the last few as the "then" and the "now" weren't completely related. i hope you enjoyed it anyway. i was kind of going for a double entendre with the title. which was why i'd hoped you didn't check my profile before you read the chapter, because i was vague about who the baby belonged to at the very beginning. not that i could have fooled any of you =P

i'm still working on the next chapter. it's getting there...but i could always use some encouragement. candy is preferred but reviews are always appreciated. =)


	7. Sarah vs the return

_A/N: This IS part 3/3. _

_as always, to lessen the confusion, i've put up a timeline on my profile. And like before...it might help if you've read Chuck vs the **missing years **and **long days and night ** _

_

* * *

_Chpt 7: Sarah vs the Return

_Sarah paces back and forth across the narrow perimeters of the hospital room. She's done it enough times to wear down the tiles to the brink of collapse. Any more and she might fall through a crack in the ground. _

_She hasn't slept in seventy-two hours but her body is so wired she thinks she can hold on for a little longer. _

How much longer? Hours? Days?...Years? _The last thought is so distressing she immediately shakes her head, physically trying to ward off the terrible and very real possibility of losing him forever. _

_It's taken five connecting flights and a wild drive down the freeway to get here, as if somehow just being here could make everything better. _

_But she's just being hopelessly naive. _

_The reality of it all hits her when she finally sees him. _

_He's strapped to half a dozen monitors, his arms are plugged full of lines, and there's a prominent swath of bandages wrapped around his head, nearly eclipsing any hint of curly dark brown hair. _

_When she stares at him lying so still and lifeless, she doesn't think it's really him anymore. _

_She doesn't know what she'll do if he doesn't make it. _

_She's just come to the realization but she's too late. Now he'll never know the truth. _

_All he'll remember is the abandonment, the loss..._

_And how this is all her fault. _

* * *

Sarah doesn't think her day could get any worse but Murphy's Law is out to prove her wrong. She's five steps from the office building when her cell begins to ring. She has Charlotte in a sling, scalding hot coffee and car keys in one hand and the other dragged down by not one but two bags, one for her and one for the baby.

Charlotte begins to stir from her sleep and she scrunches her little face in annoyance.

"No, Chuck, please don't cry," she begs. Suddenly she wishes she had set her phone to silent this morning instead of the tone she doubles as an alarm clock.

Of course the baby doesn't listen; she hasn't inherited everything from her father.

Sarah gives a harried thanks to the doorman as she slips into the office building and drops her keys and coffee on the receptionist's table. The temp gives her a sympathetic smile, like she's grateful it's Sarah with the screaming baby and not her.

The blond haired woman slips her hand into her coat pocket and pulls out the dreaded device, using her other hand to muffle Charlotte's ears.

"Hello?"

"Sarah, morning!" Ellie sounds chipper than usual. _Lucky,_ she thinks. At least someone got to have their coffee this morning.

"Hey, Ellie, how are you?"

"I'm fine. Have you read the paper yet this morning?"

Sarah nearly laughs. Between trying to keep Chuck from being completed manipulated by a nine month old and finding a sitter who would be willing to cover a last minute cancellation, she hasn't even had time to brush her hair much less sit down with the paper.

"No, not yet. Anything exciting?"

Ellie laughs secretively. Of course there is. "There's a heart health feature in the paper today. Devon's one of the physicians they interviewed."

"Oh, Ellie, that's great!" She's inclined to use the word 'awesome' but she knows it will only make her sister-in-law roll her eyes. "I'll be sure to check it out."

Charlotte grows impatient and not even the charm bracelet on Sarah's wrist is enough of a distraction for her.

"Listen, I have to run—"

"I completely understand," Ellie immediately says. Sarah wonders if Charlotte's cries are really so loud they can be heard on the other end or if she's just grown immune to high pitched noises.

"Chuck, sweetie, don't be like this," she pleads and kisses her on the crown of her head. Sarah considers pulling out a toy from the diaper bag but she's reluctant to make an even bigger scene right by the main doors.

"I'm so sorry," she says to the receptionist as she grabs her things and heads for the elevator.

Sarah sighs with relief when a colleague in her department comes to her rescue. Gratefully she relinquishes her bags into the woman's hands.

"Morning, Carol. Thanks."

The brunette pinches one of Charlotte's puffy cheeks. "Hey Charlie, what's wrong?"

Sarah rolls her eyes. "It's _Chuck_," she reminds.

Carol gives a cheeky grin. "Charlie sounds so much better."

"She won't respond to Charlie," Sarah quips.

"I don't think she'll respond to Chuck either. Right, Chuck? Chuckie?"

Charlotte just shakes her head, indignant tears running down her cheeks. Sarah sighs and presses her closer to her chest. "She has a bit of a cold, poor baby."

As the elevator rings and they step off onto the floor, Carol turns to her with a quizzical look.

"Sarah, I know it's not my place to ask, but does your husband know where you're bringing the baby."

She looks at her friend blankly. "Of course. Work." She gives an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, she's not usually like this. She's usually very quiet."

"Oh no, it's not that," Carol's quick to assure. "I mean, does he _know_ where you are bringing her?"

Sarah doesn't understand. "Yes?"

The response takes the woman by surprise. "He's okay with it?"

Sarah nearly laughs. "Well, this is a pretty low-risk analytics department. It's not like we're in any real danger here."

"But still..." Carol's unsure how to elaborate her point. "Frankly I've never told my husband. The cover is pretty convincing...and convenient."

"Well, this was actually his idea." Sarah knows she's just dropped a bombshell when the woman's jaws seemingly unhinge and drop to the floor. "I wanted to quit and he told me not to until I found something I really liked." She smiled. "I'm still looking."

Carol wrinkles her brows, and they joke about quitting their jobs to open up a bakery or a scrapbooking store. It's not a bad thought, but Sarah doesn't think she could last more than a day. This is the only thing she's really good at.

Carol walks her down to her office, helps her set down her things, then bids farewell to the baby.

"Bye, Charlie, have fun with mommy."

Sarah rolls her eyes. "It's Chuck!" she corrects just as the door closes.

.

Sarah runs through three files before she's out of coffee. By then Charlotte's dozed off, and is nothing more than a lead weight in her lap.

She knows she has it easy. As Sarah gazes down at her tranquil expression, she wonders what will happen when she learns to walk...to speak...William's going through the terrible twos, and it's everything Ellie's ever feared.

Sarah naively assures herself that it won't happen; the baby takes after Chuck, sweet-tempered and easy to please. She ruffles the baby's curls and gives her a quick kiss before she reaches for the morning paper.

"Now let's find that article..." she murmurs, leaning back in her seat.

She flips through the pages quickly, searching for Devon's name. She doesn't find it, but something else catches her eye.

_Famed neurologist, Dr. Arthur Cassel, dies of brain aneurysm, _the header reads. She would have smiled at the irony had distant memories not flooded to the forefront.

Charlotte stirs and looks up drowsily. Sarah doesn't know how she does it but she seems to have a sixth sense about these kinds of things.

"It's okay, Chuck," she soothes, hugging her daughter close. "Go back to sleep, everything's okay." She rubs the baby's back, waiting for her to fall back to sleep before she goes on to read the article.

* * *

_Sarah doesn't realize she's dozed off until she wakes up, startled by the noise of the nurse entering the room. _

"_Any change?" she asks, staggering from her seat to his bedside. The nurse shakes her head. _

"_Nothing," she says. Then with an encouraging smile, offers her a small kernel of hope. "At least he's not getting worse." _

_Sarah doesn't realize how bad things really are until she hears her say those words. Things must be dire when you think of the negatives as positives. _

_Sarah hides her tears and nods. "Thank you," she says, and resumes her post at the foot of his bed. She tries not to pace but if she doesn't wear herself out, she will do something rash, she just knows it. _

_A stranger in a long white coat enters the room. He keeps face buried in the chart and only raises his eyes when he briefly introduces himself. _

"_I'm Dr. Cassel, the neurologist in charge of ." _

_Sarah accepts his hand and shakes it stiffly. "Agent Walker," she responds, her voice dulled by fatigue. "How is he?" _

"_I'm sorry." The man shakes his head. "This procedure should never have happened." _

_Sarah doesn't know how to respond. "You're _sorry_?" She can barely bring herself to say the word. He doesn't understand, not yet anyway. Perhaps after she was done with him he would understand how to feel sorry in its sincerest form. _

"_It was experimental but he anticipated the risks. We had full patient consent." Dr. Cassel bites his tongue and shrinks visibly under Sarah's menacing glare. "But I'm sorry for what's happened. It's quite tragic. I understand he was a valuable asset to the agency." _

_Sarah does everything she can to hide her pain, going so far as to dig her nails into her palm until she drew blood. _

_Tragic? Her entire life was one giant tragedy. _

"_If anything happens to him, you will be held responsible," she warns, gritting her teeth to keep from snarling something far more offensive. _

_The doctor bristles at her words."I've already done everything I can." He folds his hands in front of him and bows his head. "Again, I'm sorry." _

_Sarah turns towards Chuck's unconscious form. "I am too." _

More than you'll ever know.

* * *

Chuck drops by the office for lunch, looking a little flustered. He's wearing a bright yellow visitor's badge and if his crooked tie and untied shoes are any indication, he's been scanned, searched, poked and prodded multiple times before admitted upstairs.

"This sure is one lousy insurance agency," he mutters as he greets Sarah with a kiss.

Sarah smiles. "I'm sorry. I really didn't feel like being stuck in traffic with Chuck."

At the name, Chuck's entire face lights up. "Where's my Piglet?" he exclaims in a playful voice.

Charlotte's ears perk up and she turns in the sling, her face exploding into an excited grin. She holds out her tiny hands as Chuck takes her in his arms.

"How is my Piglet today, huh?"

Sarah rolls her eyes. "It's _Chuck, _Chuck."

"Who? What?" he teases. "Come on, Sarah, don't confuse her."

"No one is confused," she insists.

Chuck smothers the baby with a barrage of kisses, making her squeal with delight. "You hear that, Sarah? That's exactly what a piglet sounds like."

Sarah grits her teeth, looking less than amused. "Don't call our baby a piglet."

Chuck holds Charlotte up and presses his face against her chubby cheeks. "Aw come on, you have to admit she looked a lot like one when she was born. All pudgy and pink, right?"

He blows a raspberry against Charlotte's belly, making her burst into another fit of laughter.

Sarah's tempted to throw her half of the lunch at him. "Charles Irving Bartowski!"

Chuck stops and holds their daughter still "Uh oh, Piglet," he whispers in a hushed tone. "I think mommy's mad."

Sarah takes a deep breath and resigns herself to the fact that her husband will never call their daughter the same name as his own.

"Chuck, I need to tell you something." Her eyes flit down at the morning paper she's left on the desk.

Chuck gulps and for the first time since entering the room, becomes completely serious. Charlotte whimpers but he holds her close and gives her a reassuring pat on the back.

"Uh, okay." He looks around the room nervously. "Should...should I be sitting down for this?"

Sarah bites her lips to hide the growing smile. She still remembers how well he took the news when she told him they would be expecting Charlotte.

"It's not that kind of announcement," she assures. "But as a precaution, I'm going to take her."

Chuck readily relinquishes his hold. "Okay. Good idea."

* * *

_Sarah's sitting on edge when a cup of coffee appears before her, seemingly out of nowhere. She follows the hand until she locates its owner, then frowns. _

"_I don't need any," she says, but takes the cup anyway. _

_The man sits beside her and takes a long dreg of his. "I know, you're holding it for me," he says. _

_Sarah's in no mood for jokes but even she has to admit she's missed his rough humour and tough love. _

"_It wasn't your fault." _

_Sarah rolls her eyes. "Wow...are you actually trying to console me, Casey?" _

_He grunts, his toughened expression revealing nothing. "I thought you should know. You don't need to beat yourself up over the idiot any more than you already have." _

_Sarah thinks they must have reached a pivotal point in their relationship when Casey doesn't take the first opportunity to make a stab about her and Chuck. _

"_None of this would have happened if I didn't ask for a reassignment." _

_He shrugs. "That's like saying I wouldn't have lost my toe if I never shot Bryce." _

_Sarah frowns. "It's not the same thing." Not even close. _

_Casey cracks a smile. "Get over yourself, Walker. He didn't do this for you. He did it because he wanted to." _

* * *

Ellie answers the door and at the sight of her niece, her expression does a one-eighty. She looks as if she's won the lottery as she clasps the baby's hands.

"Hello Chickadee, how are you?" she coos, completely ignoring the adults standing at the door.

Sarah sighs. "It's _Chuck_," she reminds for what feels like the hundredth time today.

Ellie ignores her. "You're such a cutie aren't you?" She takes the baby from Sarah and Chuck hands her the diaper bag.

"Hey sis, what about me?" he jokes.

Ellie rolls her eyes. "You see, Sarah, that's precisely why I can't call her _Chuck_. She's so much cuter than he ever was."

"I'm hurt," Chuck retorts flatly.

Ellie sticks out her tongue. "You'll get over it," she says as props the baby against her shoulder.

"So big plans tonight?" She looks expectantly from Sarah to Chuck. "Dinner? Movie?"

Sarah looks at her husband, dressed in one of his best suits and realizes they certainly look the part.

"Actually we're going to a funeral."

Chuck looks at her in shock. They had agreed to tell a lie, but Sarah's so tired of keeping Ellie in the dark.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry."

Sarah shrugs. "It's okay. It was just an old acquaintance. We weren't that close."

The brunette takes her hand and squeezes it. "Take as long as you need. She's not a problem." Sarah nods. She's so grateful to have a sister like Ellie.

Just as they are about to go, William runs to the door. He holds up his hands and flashes a cavern of baby teeth when he opens his mouth to holler: "Chuck! Chuck!"

Sarah misunderstands at first but then she realizes he means Charlotte.

A wide grin appears on her face. "Will!" She bends down to give her nephew a big kiss on both cheeks. "You are my favourite nephew, you know that?"

He giggles in her arms.

Charlotte watches the exchange and scrunches her little face in displeasure. She mews pitifully until she has her mother's attention again. Sarah sighs as she rises to her feet. She gives her daughter the same treatment, and ruffles her mess of curls for good measure.

"Be good, Chuck."

Behind her, Chuck tilts his head and grins. "Aren't I always?"

Sarah rolls her eyes. "See?" he points out. "It is confusing."

.

Chuck sits in the passenger seat, glancing over the article in the paper he's already read at least five times now.

"So I knew him?"

Sarah tries to keep her eyes on the road but she feels like she needs to gauge his mood. "Uh-huh." It's not much of an answer so she elaborates. "You were a patient of his."

"He removed my memories?"

"No. He tried to." She sighs, pushing the dark thoughts away. "He didn't succeed."

"Was it dangerous?"

He turns to her. She knows she can't hide anything from him, but that doesn't mean she doesn't try.

"Yes. Very." She glares at him. "What you did was stupid."

He grins at her. "Lucky I don't remember, huh?"

Sarah wishes she can smile, but even the memory of it makes her eyes mist.

"This is about more than the doctor isn't it?" When she doesn't answer him, he stares out the window. "Take your time," he murmurs as he grabs her free hand and squeezes it.

It's not fair. He's so patient with her.

"This is about Jill," she finally confesses. The woman hasn't been a part of their lives for some time now, but Sarah still feels like she's exorcising a ghost whenever she even mentions the name.

"About that time you left to be with Bryce?"

Sarah's eyes widen with worry. She's so overcome with panic she nearly drives the car off the road until she realizes Chuck's only teasing her.

"If you don't wipe that smile off your face right now, Charles Bartowski, you can take the couch tonight," she threatens. He gulps audibly beside her.

"I know it was just work between the two of you," he says, trying to appease her.

"You didn't always believe that," she reminds. "And yes, it was around that time."

"Jill came to take your place." Chuck remembers a little but none of it are his true memories. It's only what he remembers her saying. "We worked together."

Sarah focuses on the road. "Yeah."

"I built that Intersect-thing for the wrong people."

She nods again.

"Jill convinced me to wipe my memories. So I wouldn't remember doing it."

Sarah frowns. She reaches for his hand, feeling as if all the air has escaped from the car. "You remember that?"

Chuck looks back innocently. He shakes his head. "No, I just figured it would be something she'd do." He sighs audibly beside her. "Sounds like something I'd be stupid enough to do."

Sarah resists the urge to slam on the breaks and give him a good knock on the head.

"Don't say that," she admonishes. "You're not stupid."

He laughs beside her. "No, not completely." His eyes glint with mischief. "It was a faulty program, wasn't it?"

Sarah arches her brows in question but he just shakes his head.

"Just sounds like something I'd be brilliant enough to do."

She laughs and slaps his arm. "You're not that brilliant, ," she taunts. Then reluctantly she admits: "But pretty damn close to."

* * *

_Sarah is there when Chuck first opens his eyes. It's so unexpected that she forgets herself. Even when she realizes what's happened, she doesn't respond the way she's been trained to. She knows what she's obliged to do, that she's supposed to page for Dr. Cassel or a nurse to evaluate him, but she wants Chuck to herself. _

_It's selfish, but she's waited too long for this moment to break it for some stupid protocol. _

"_Chuck? Chuck!" She repeats his name over and over, but he just stares at her in a daze. _

_Her heart sinks with each passing second. She hangs onto the hope that he's still the man she knows and loves, but it's drifting further and further away. _

_Finally he murmurs something that sounds like her name and it's like music to her ears. _

_She cries and despite all the obstacles of wires and lines in her way, throws herself at him. It's an awkward exchange, but she's never been so grateful to have it. _

"_Sarah..." he utters a little more coherently. "What..." _

_He closes his eyes and winces with pain. "Chuck?" She grabs his hand and reconsiders calling for help. But just as she's about to press the red button against the wall, he speaks again. _

"_I'm so sorry." _

_Sarah wants to laugh but all that comes out are tears. "What are you sorry for?" she demands. "Why are you always apologizing?" _

_He smiles weakly at her. "It's a habit, I guess. I'm sorry." _

_Sarah wipes away her tears on her sleeve and flops down at his bedside. "I'm sorry too. I never should have left." _

"_But now you're back." He winces again and clutches the side of his head. _

"_Sarah...Jill—" _

_She silences him before he says too much. "It's okay. I know." _

_He swallows back whatever words he wanted to say. "I was so stupid. I trusted her." _

_The tears suddenly stop and Sarah is filled with an all-consuming rage. To think that someone as kind and sweet as her Chuck could be tricked into letting his guard down, left vulnerable only to have his heart crushed; it was too much. _

"_I'm going to kill her," she swore. "I'm going to kill that—" _

"_No!" _

_The response isn't what she's expecting. "What do you mean no?" _

_Chuck grimaces and he squeezes her hand, keeping her from sprinting off on a rampage. "Please don't go." His voice is soft and full of uncertainty. "Please." _

_Sarah sighs. All the anger she's built up seeps away. Carefully, she moves his wires and lies down beside him. The narrow bed is just barely big enough to hold them both. _

"_Okay." _

_He looks at her with an incredulous expression. "Yeah?" _

_Sarah doesn't say anything. She's so grateful just to be able to stare into his eyes again. It's stupid really. Did she really think she could ever run from him? _

_Chuck tries to hide a yawn but it only makes his eyes droop with exhaustion. He struggles though and makes an effort to stay with her. _

"_You can close your eyes, Chuck. I'm not going anywhere." _

_Chuck doesn't look like he believes her, so she takes his hand and drags it across her torso. She holds his arm steady where it lies, almost like a security bar over her chest. _

"_There. I'm not going anywhere." _

_He smiles. "Welcome back, Sarah," he murmurs drowsily. _

_Sarah sighs. "It's good to be back." _

_

* * *

__..._

_I apologize, all you chuck lovers, for writing so much in Sarah's POV lately. I realize the irony since the story is called chuck vs then and now but i can't help myself. _

_oh...and i've already decided on a title for the next chapter. it's Sarah vs the Photograph (see? i'm still stuck in her POV). That's my spoiler, if you like spoilers. Feel free to guess away.  
_


	8. Sarah vs the photograph

A/N: _i'm starting to sound like a broken record but i've put up a timeline on my profile if you ever feel lost between the 'then' and 'now. Oh, and reading Chuck vs the **missing years **and **long days and night**__ would __help.  
_

* * *

Chapter 8: Sarah vs the Photograph

_Sarah dreaded the call. On her list of cringe-worthy activities, it surpassed getting a root canal, being around children and hard as it was to believe, confessing her feelings to Chuck._

_As she pressed the phone to her ear and waited to be transferred, she took a few large gulps of water. It did little to settle her nerves but at least it was something to do, something to keep her occupied. _

_She still didn't know what to say, how to explain what she'd done. Sarah Walker had never run away from a mission before. Had never disobeyed direct orders. She was supposed to be the agency's most reliable agent, perfect records across the board. _

You can kiss that goodbye.

"_Agent Walker."_

_Sarah gulped. Even though she had a mental image of the general sitting dwarfed by her office, it wasn't enough to shake away her fears. _

"_Ma'am," she said, clearing her throat. There was a pause on the line. Sarah had no choice but to speak again. "Did you get my report?" _

"_Yes," she clipped. "I have to say I am extremely disappointed by the turn of events." _

_Sarah's spirits sank. _

"_You stated yourself the Intersect was of the utmost importance. I did what I thought was prudent." _

_The general wasn't the general for nothing. "You were removed from the team for reasons that are even clearer now. You had no right to abandon your mission and return to L.A.." _

_Sarah clutched her glass and polished it off, wiping her lips with the back of her hand. _

"_I did what I thought was important." _

"_No one asked you for your opinion, Agent Walker." The woman's words chilled her down to the marrow of her bones. It was hard to imagine such a formidable voice belonged to such a tiny woman. "Your orders are to return immediately for evaluation." _

"_No." Sarah held her tongue but it was too late. The words were already out of her mouth. "No, General, I'm requesting a leave of absence." _

_There was a long silence on the other end. Sarah leaned forwards in her seat, holding her breath in anticipation. _

"_Fine," the woman responded bitterly. "Perhaps a break will clear your head." Sarah smiled. She didn't see how, but she was willing to play along. "When your vacation days run out, I expect you back here for a full examination and psych consult." _

_Sarah felt as if she'd just dodged a bullet. "Thank you, General," she said, knowing how generous the woman was being. _

_Just as she thought the conversation was about to end, the general spoke up again. "Oh, and Agent Walker?" _

"_Yes, General?" _

"_Don't think we don't know what you're trying to do here." _

* * *

When the phone didn't pick up after the third ring, Sarah's spy senses began to fill with dread. After the fourth, she seriously considered calling Chuck's office in case he had gone against his word and snuck off.

Then, just as the line was about to go to voice-mail, she heard something on the other end.

"Chuck?" she asked, and leaned forwards in her chair. She perked her ears and listened in anticipation, trying to sort out what she thought might have been something falling to the ground. She distinctively heard her husband curse, more static and fumbling, then finally his voice, stuffy and hoarse.

"Sarah!" he exclaimed. "Hey, honey, what are you up to?" His voice was so deceptively calm that she never would have suspected otherwise if not for the earlier dissonance.

She arched her brows in question. "I could ask you the same."

"Uh, nothing. I'm just getting some rest, keeping up my fluids. Watching the baby. Nothing interesting. Just recuperating."

Sarah pressed the phone closer to her ear, straining to make out the background noise. "Is Chuck watching TV?"

There was a pause. "Uh, no, Chuck is not watching TV." Another pause. "Since when did I become the secondary Chuck? I came first you know."

Sarah bit her lips to keep from laughing. "You know what I meant."

"Yeah, but I'm the only one," he retorted.

"Don't change subject, mister." Sarah strained her ears again, trying to figure out what she was hearing in the background. "Chuck! Are you doing what I think you're doing?"

"Uh..." She already knew the answer before he could find an excuse.

"Chuck!" she cried in exasperation. "You promised to take a day off work so you could get better."

"I know, I know!" he replied, the congestion lending an extra melancholy tone to his voice. "But I felt a little better and I really wanted to try out the new simulator."

Sarah rolled her eyes. When it came to computers, he was like a kid in a toy store.

"You shouldn't do that in front of Chuck, it's too violent for her."

Sarah heard him snort in response, that or it was a badly suppressed cough. "Says the one who holds her in her lap while she reads restricted files."

"That's not the same. Chuck can't read yet but she's certainly not blind." If her husband had been beside her, she would have been tempted to throw something at him. "Where is she?"

"Playing with some boxes. You know the ones you pulled out of storage but haven't gotten to sorting yet?"

Sarah sighed. She just knew that Charlotte would run the house when she wasn't around. "Why are you letting her play with those? She has toys. We just bought her those wooden blocks; show them to her."

"She doesn't like _toys_, Sarah," Chuck reminded. "She likes making a mess."

In the background, Sarah thought she could hear a familiar high pitched squeal.

"You checked the contents right?" A chill ran through her as she tried to recall what she'd put into those boxes. They had been from her old hotel room, before they had married and settled down together. She'd put them into storage but just recently decided to sort out the contents and throw out the junk.

"Yeah, just some old magazines and DVD's," Chuck said with a yawn. "She loves tearing the pages out, you should see her. She's like the Cookie Monster but with paper."

Sarah was less than amused. "Are you watching her to make sure she doesn't put any of that in her mouth?"

There was a pause.

"Chuck?"

"I have to go now," he said, his voice picking up with urgency. "I'll see you for lunch?"

Sarah suppressed a smile. "Lunch," she agreed. "And try to keep her out of trouble, please?"

As if to confirm her suspicions, she heard another peal of high-pitched laughter followed by Chuck's frantic voice.

"No, Piglet, don't put that in your mouth. It won't taste good."

There was some whining, the sound of paper being torn, then Chuck's voice again.

"Baby, put that down."

Something fell to the ground. "Piglet, sweetie, don't—"

Sarah listened silently on the other end until the line died, wishing she could be there if only for a laugh or two.

* * *

_Sarah walked down the unfamiliar hallway, sneaking a peak into each of the open cubicles hoping to find a familiar face. Thus far, her search had come up empty. She didn't recognize anyone here. _

_Sarah stopped and looked behind her, taking into account her surroundings. _

God, everything in this place looks the same_. It was only two in the afternoon and the blinds were already drawn. The drone of the telephone and photocopier are all that breaks the silence. _

_It was the most depressing office she'd ever walked into, a landscape of grey; dark grey carpeting, grey cubicle walls, grey ceiling tiles. Grey, grey, grey. Sarah had only been inside for a few minutes and already she was depressed. _

_Suddenly a hand gripped her wrist and yanked her into the nearest cubicle. Sarah's reflexes are too slow to keep from being thrown against the office chair but she manages to recover and smash the nearest office supply into the attacker's face. _

"_For crying out loud!" He swears something else under his breath but Sarah catches it anyway. It brings a smile to her face. _

"_You brought it upon yourself, Casey," she said as she chucked the stapler back onto his desk. "Wouldn't a simple hello have sufficed?" _

_Casey growls like an angry bear as he clutches the side of his head. "I was trying to do you a favour." _

_Sarah wrinkles her brows as she takes in her old partner's office. She notes the personal touches; the photo of the late president still in its silver frame beside the computer monitor, the whimsical bonsai tree in the other corner...and a poster of kittens tacked against the wall? _

_Sarah tried not to look too amused. "I see you've upgraded from selling computers." _

_Casey bared his teeth. _

"_Taking the cover a little far, aren't we?" She didn't think the man could look any more out of place in his ill-fitting business suit. The cubicle didn't help either. He looked like a gorilla stuck inside a hamster cage._

_Casey made nice and smiled. "Bartowski's got himself a job programming for these idiots. Someone has to watch him." _

_Sarah's smile immediately dropped. It wasn't like Casey to just grin and bear it. _

"_What is it?" _

_Casey's smile deepened. He crossed his arms, nearly swaggering with smugness. "Bartowski's started work on the new Intersect. He's pretty determined to get even with his ex." _

_Sarah swallowed slowly. "Where is he?" _

_Casey pointed vaguely over his shoulder to a few cubicles down. "Whoa, slow down, Walker," he said, grabbing her wrist just as she was about to take off. _

_She glared at him, ready to snap. "What now?" _

"_I'll take you to him, so long as you promise to behave yourself." He chuckled under his breath in that annoying way he was apt to do when he meant the opposite of what he said. "Wouldn't want you to cause a scene now would we?" _

_Sarah wrinkled her brows. "What are you talking about?" She was mildly offended he would think she would be so unprofessional. Even if she wanted to yell at Chuck, she wouldn't do it here in front of everyone. _

_Casey just laughed ominously. _

_. _

_Casey escorted Sarah down the maze of cubicles, stopping short at the last one on the right. She turned to the man with a questioning look in her eyes but he stood back and refused to walk any further. _

_With an indiscernible grunt, he jerked his head towards the cubicle. _

_"Go on," he said, his face broadening into an overeager grin. _

_Sarah stepped forwards cautiously, but by then she had already caught a hint of his curly brown hair peeking out from the corner of the thin grey wall. _

_"Chuck!" she cried. "What are you doing? You were just released from the hospital two days ago." _

_He swivelled in his seat to face her, his skin as pale as the whites of his eyes. He looked nothing short of bewildered. _

"_Sarah!" he exclaimed and looked nervously over her shoulder at Casey. "This is a surprise. What are you doing here?" _

_Sarah frowned. She leaned down to his ear and whispered, "Isn't this what girlfriends do, Chuck? Visit their boyfriends at work?" She smiled and stole a glance at Casey who had made the prudent decision to look away. _

_ Chuck gulped. He stood to his feet and wrapped her in a hasty embrace. _

_"Of course, you just surprised me." He grinned nervously at her, his lips trembling to hold the smile. _

_Sarah frowned. She reached for his hand; all her suspicions confirmed when she clasped them in hers. _

_"Chuck..." she said in warning. "What's wrong?" _

_When he didn't respond, Sarah was filled with ill premonitions. She was too late. Chuck had already changed his mind. This was a record, even for her—they had been dating for all of three days. _

_Before Chuck could speak, someone broke into the conversation. _

"_Hey, handsome. I've been looking for you." _

_Chuck gulped audibly as he gave a slow nod of acknowledgement. _

_Sarah hadn't even seen the individual when she decided they were not going to be friends. She turned swiftly around, nearly coming head-to-head with a brunette holding two mugs full of coffee. _

_The woman smiled and stepped around her, offering one of the mugs to Chuck. She was like a breath of fresh air that had entered this drab looking office. Beautiful and immaculately dressed, she didn't belong with the hunched over men in dreary suits and ties. _

_Chuck accepted the gesture but being the smart man he was, offered it to Sarah in turn. The blond only glared at the stranger. _

"_Who are you?" she demanded. Behind her, she heard Casey step into the cubicle, situating himself front and center for the entertainment. _

_The brunette crossed her arms and informed in her own self-assured manner, "I'm your replacement." _

_Sarah bristled. Already anticipating what was to come, Chuck quickly grabbed her hand and held her back. _

"_Okay, let me explain—" _

"_Don't worry, Walker, she's clean." Casey smirked at her, throwing in a wink for kicks. _

"_How do you know?" she snarled back. This had happened once before, and that was once too many. _

_The brunette shrugged. "I guess you'll just to take my word for it. That...and the fact I came highly recommended." She met Sarah's eyes and offered a silent challenge. _

Go ahead, _the woman seemed to say. _Call them. Ask for my records.

_Sarah clenched her jaw. They certainly don't make things easy now do they? _

_The woman smiled and extended her hand. "Carmen St. Clair." _

* * *

Sarah was paged by the front desk at quarter past eleven.

"You have a visitor."

The receptionist didn't tell her who, but she had to assume it was someone they approved. Upon hearing the message, she immediately glanced at the clock. It was too early for them to show, although it wouldn't surprise her if her husband was desperate enough to seek help ahead of schedule.

She shook her head. How a baby who could only babble a handful of words managed to convince one of the country's brightest minds to do her bidding was beyond her. Not that she hadn't fallen victim to those same baby blues before.

Sarah reached for the photo of the three of them together. Ellie had taken it for them at the park. Charlotte beamed from her vantage point on Chuck's shoulders and Sarah had her arms around her husband, trying to hug them both. Two seconds after the photo had been taken, William had insisted on standing front and center, much to the baby's displeasure. Sarah almost wished she had developed the other photo instead, even the memory of it brought a smile to her face.

Sarah put the frame back just as a knock sounded at the door. Without waiting for a response, the visitor stepped in.

Sarah dropped the pen she'd been holding in her hand.

_No way._

The visitor smiled, reading her thoughts exactly. "Yes way," she confirmed.

Sarah stood to her feet and gave her friend a reluctant embrace. She couldn't help but be on her guard, especially after being out of practice for so long.

"Always nice to see you, Carina," she said, ruefully recalling their last exchange. "To what do I owe this honour?"

Carina smiled but already Sarah could catch the devious design behind her pale blue eyes. "Jeez, I'm only a minute in the door and you're already talking business. It's all work and no play for you."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "And you are all play and no work," she taunted.

The brunette shrugged, not about to deny what was already a fundamental fact. She looked around the office and gave a whistle of appreciation.

"Not doing too badly for yourself here now are you?" she pondered, running her hand along the length of her desk. She plucked one of the frames from their resting place, turning it over to peruse. It was an older photo of them together, before Charlotte.

Carina whistled again. "Still the same assignment?" she asked, shaking her head. "That sucks."

Sarah narrowed her eyes. "No."

"No, not same assignment or no, it doesn't suck?" Carina smiled cheekily. "But oh right, I forgot. You like this kind of stuff."

Sarah tilted her head. _Here we go again._

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Admit it, Sarah, you've gotten soft." Carina returned the photo and plopped down in the client seat. "How long has it been, five years?

"A long time," Sarah agreed.

"Yeah, I spent most of it cavorting in Columbia." Her brows danced with meaning. "What have you been up to?"

Sarah wrinkled her brows. "You don't know?"

"Know what?"

Sarah smiled. She glanced at the family photo again and thought against telling her old friend. It would come as too much of a shock.

"Never mind. What can I do for you?" she asked instead. "I assume this isn't a social call."

Carina rolled her eyes. "You're still buying me lunch," she reminded, slipping a folded sheet of paper across the table. "End of tomorrow would be nice."

Sarah glanced at the details quickly before sending it through the shedder. "Something _legal_ for once, Carina, this is a surprise," she teased.

"I know," the brunette admitted with a sigh. "How boring." She clasped her hands over the desk, a brow arched expectantly. "So...about lunch."

Sarah's lips curled into a grin. It had been too long. "Lunch..." she agreed, wondering if Carina's idea of a good time was still what it used to be.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Before she had a chance to say anything more, the door opened to reveal Sarah's two most favourite people in the world.

Carina shifted in her seat, craning her neck to see who it could be.

"Hey, Sarah, you won't believe—" Chuck said, sounding no closer to beating the flu than this morning. He stopped short when he realized they were not alone. "Oh! Sorry, I had no idea." He barely gave the brunette a second glance as he waved apologetically to the both of them. "So sorry."

"No, it's okay—" Sarah tried to call him back but Chuck moved quickly. He shifted the weight of the baby against his hip as he grabbed the knob of the door and retreated from the room.

Sarah sighed. "Give me a second," she said, purposefully ignoring the wide-eyed look on Carina's face as she raced to catch her husband. "Don't move!" she warned as she left her office.

.

"Chuck!" Sarah cried, grabbing his arm just as he reached the elevator. "Why didn't you stay?"

She finally saw her husband's point when both the people she called Chuck looked at her in question.

"Not you, sweetie," she whispered to her daughter. Charlotte reached out to her and Sarah took her gratefully in her arms. It had only been a few hours but she already missed the feeling of holding her little body tightly against hers.

"You looked like you were in the middle of something important," Chuck said, then shrugged. "I don't want to know any more than I already do."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Oh please, you've seen documents far more sensitive than what I touch on a daily basis."

He smiled. "Thanks, Sarah, that's very comforting," he deadpanned.

"You're welcome." She smoothed his curls which seemed even wilder than usual. "Did you have a nice nap?"

He winced and patted his hair down furtively with his palms. "Is it that noticeable?"

"A little," she lied, suppressing a grin. "So, you feel up for dining out today?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, let's go to that restaurant around the corner. I can't taste anything and I know they're generous with their sodium."

Sarah looked down at Charlotte. "Doesn't look like you're going to eat any lunch, huh?" she teased, unzipping the baby's sweater. The hint of purple that had peeked through grew into a stain that covered the entire front of her t-shirt.

The baby stared back with wide, innocent eyes, but her smile was much too devious to ignore.

Chuck groaned. "_Crap_, I should have changed her shirt," he said, smiling sheepishly at her. "I really didn't think you'd notice."

Sarah arched her brows. "How many did you let her have?" When Chuck wouldn't answer, she looked down at her daughter. "How many did Daddy let you have?" Charlotte giggled. "One? Two?" Charlotte shook her head and even when Sarah peppered her with kisses she wouldn't give him up.

"I think three," Sarah said.

Chuck shrugged but he was no good at keeping secrets. The answer was evident on his face. "At least they were fruit-flavoured popsicles?" he offered. "You're the one who said fruits were good for babies."

"You're a lost cause," Sarah said, shaking her head. "And you," she said, nuzzling nose-to-nose with her daughter. "You're _terrible_."

Charlotte just laughed, the scent of her breath sweet like grape-juice.

* * *

_Sarah walked alongside Team Bartowski's latest member, all the while suppressing the urge to strangle her or push her through a window. She recognized the look in the woman's eyes; knew the way she carried herself better than the woman did. _

_Sarah had been the same once. Must be one of the upsides of youth, she supposed, to walk the earth as if you owned it, to take what you wanted without once thinking of the repercussions. _

_ It was only then that Sarah realized how much she had changed. She couldn't afford to take risks anymore._

_"You're not a computer programmer?" Sarah quipped as they walked out of the office building. As much as she wanted to linger by Chuck's side, she wasn't about to let Casey have the satisfaction of seeing her lose it. _

_Carmen wrinkled her brows. "No, of course not," she said, saying the words with disdain. "I work across the street at the bank." _

_Sarah forced a polite smile onto her face. "Because that's much better." _

_Carmen narrowed her eyes but she smiled just as politely back. "It's much more _professional_," she said, raising her brows with meaning. _

_Sarah stopped short and turned to look back at the office building they'd just stepped out of. _

_"Relax, Chuck's job is real." Carmen rolled her eyes. "Why he insists on it is beyond me." _

Because he needs something normal in his life._ Sarah held her tongue, but she revelled in the fact she knew him better than his cover girlfriend. _

_"So are we going to be neighbours then?" Sarah asked, catching up to the woman again. It was a thought that filled her with dread. _

_Carmen wrinkled her brows. "What makes you think that?" _

_"Well where else are you going to stay?" _

_Even as she posed the question, she realized the awful truth. Murphy's Law—what you dread will never be as bad as how things can actually be. _

_"You can't," she snapped. _

_Carmen smiled a smile so akin to Casey's that it only infuriated her all the more. "Why not?" _

_"The hotel's nice. They've got really great service," Sarah offered. Inwardly she rolled her eyes. She couldn't sell water to a fish if she tried. "You wouldn't have to worry about furniture or preparing any meals. You'd like it, really." _

_Carmen's eyes brightened with amusement. "We can maintain a better cover this way. Casey won't have to work so hard on surveillance." _

_Sarah clenched her fists. Even the thought of Chuck and this woman sharing a place made her see red. _

_"I don't like the arrangement," she informed bluntly. _

_Carmen shrugged. "That's too bad. This is the way I do things." She held her head high, as if she saw things from above the world. As if she had some existential power greater than the position she really had. "If you don't like it, talk to our superiors." _

_Carmen grinned like a contented cat, her features feral and feline. She knew. She knew this was a war Sarah had no way of winning. _

_One of the many annoyances of the young. They thought they knew everything. _

_"I know you think this life is great," Sarah said, meeting her gaze and bringing her down to reality. "You think you can be whoever you want and do whatever you want. You think you're invincible." _

_Carmen gave a disinterested nod; she knew. _

_"But someday," Sarah warned. "Someday you'll realize how lonely it is to pretend. Someday this life won't be as exciting as it once was."_

_Carmen shook her head, full of youthful hubris. "I doubt that." _

_Sarah finally allowed a genuine smile to escape her lips. She couldn't believe she had ever been like this. _

"_You'll tire of it," she said, speaking of it not even as a possibility but a truth; a fact. _

* * *

When Sarah returned to her office, Carina was waiting to pounce on her.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed, her voice shaking with laughter. "Oh my God!"

Sarah did everything to keep from blushing. She could only imagine what her friend thought of her now. She had gone against everything they'd once believed in.

"You didn't," she challenged.

Sarah sighed. "I did." She bent down to pick up her bag. "And now I'm going out for lunch. You can come with us if you promise to behave."

She wondered if she was making a mistake. Did Carina even understand what that meant?

"Well what's the fun in that?" she asked as she sauntered towards the door.

Sarah rolled her eyes. "This isn't meant to be _fun_," she reminded. She caught her friend's hand just before they left the office. "Hey—" Carina stared innocently at her. "Don't even think about it."

The brunette smirked. She knew her too well. "Aw, come on, he's cute. Much cuter than I remembered."

"And married." Sarah held up her hand, flashing the diamond in her face. "Don't even think about it," she threatened again.

Carina wrinkled her brows. "Really?" she asked. "It's real?"

Sarah sighed contently, the thought alone brought a grin to her face. "A hundred percent."

.

Chuck and Charlotte were already waiting for them by the time Sarah and Carina arrive at the restaurant. There's a pile of crayons scattered across the table and Chuck's fighting with Charlotte at a test of wills; she wants to put them in her mouth and he's trying to convince her that coloring on paper is the way to go.

"Thank goodness you're here," he exclaimed, his grin reaching from ear to ear. When he sees Carina beside her, he waves shyly, his smile greatly subdued.

Sarah gets a thrill of satisfaction from seeing Carina bristle. It wasn't everyday the brunette met with clinical disinterest from the opposite sex. It's enough that Sarah even lets her friend slide up beside her husband in the booth. Sarah takes the opposite side, removing the crayons from Charlotte's hand as she sets down her bag.

"No, sweetie, not for you to eat," she coaxes.

Carina leaned over the table, peering at the baby with fascination. It was as if she'd never seen an infant before.

"What's your name, sweetie?" she cooed. It's so disarming to see the brunette turn soft and sweet that Sarah's unable to produce an answer at will.

Charlotte looks up at the stranger. Fraught with indecision, her little mouth purses on the edge between a smile and a frown.

"It's okay," Sarah whispered, smoothing her soft brown curls. "You can tell her."

Charlotte looks at the stranger again. After a moment's hesitation, she smiles a toothless smile.

"Piglet," she whispers quietly, looking to her father for confirmation. She doesn't say much, but when she does, her pronunciation is spot-on.

Sarah groans and Chuck pumps his fists in the air. "That's right, honey, you heard her!" He kisses his daughter on the cheeks. "What a smart girl!"

Sarah catches the curious expression on her friend's face. "Her name is Charlotte, but Chuck insists on calling her something else."

"And what do you call her?"

Sarah blushes. "Chuck," she confesses and when she says the name, Charlotte turns her head in question.

"Well that doesn't make a lot of sense," Carina said, but she winks at Sarah. She's always had that about her; always been good at playing for both sides. Turning to the little girl, Carina's voice softens. "Piglet. That's a very beautiful name."

Charlotte beams at the compliment and Sarah smiles too. She mouths a silent thank-you to her friend, and then picks up the menu to order.

It's then that Carina decides to turn her attention to Chuck. "You're being very rude, Chuckles. I haven't seen you in half a decade and all I get is a wave?"

Chuck balks and looks to Sarah for help but she only buries her smile behind the menu.

"Uh...sorry, how...how should I make it up to you?" he asked, kicking his wife subtly under the table. Sarah giggled. She takes Charlotte out of the child-seat and holds her in her lap, allowing her to play with the charm bracelet on her wrist.

"How about a kiss?" Carina licked her lips, her eyes gleaming with mischief. "We could pick up where we left off."

Chuck clutched his chest, looking as if he was about to have a fit. "What?"

"Carina!" Sarah warned. "That's enough."

Carina shook her head, enjoying every second of her tease. "We used to date, Chuck, or don't you remember?"

Chuck looked to his wife and Sarah flashed him an apology. "I told you that so you could be more understanding, Carina, not so you could play with his head." She kicked her friend under the table. "If you really want to pick up where you left off, you can give Morgan a call."

Carina clapped her hands together in sudden realization. "Oh right! That funny bearded man, are you still friends with him?"

Chuck did a double take. "Morgan?" he repeated, staring at his wife in disbelief. "You used to date my friend Morgan?"

Carina shrugged. "Yeah, why not?"

Chuck laughed. "I don't know," he said, still shaking his head in disbelief. "Only you seem like the kind of girl he'd remember and he's never mentioned you so..."

The brunette narrowed her eyes.

"Sorry," Chuck said. "I shouldn't have said that."

Carina brushed off the rejection with a shake of the head. "Doesn't matter, his loss," she dismissed. Before she could speak again, she was cut off by the ring of her phone. Her smile falls as she looks at the call screen.

"Excuse me," she says and slides herself out of the booth.

Sarah understands immediately and places Charlotte back into the high chair. If Chuck sensed anything amiss, he didn't let on.

"Want me to order for you?" Hardly missing a beat, he grabs the crayons lying idly on the table and moves them out of Charlotte's grasp with a grin.

"Yeah," Sarah says, grateful for such an understanding husband. "Be right back."

She catches up to her friend at the restaurant doors. Already the woman is buttoning her coat and preparing to go.

"Going to lick your wounded pride, Carina?" she asked, unable to resist getting one last tease in.

Her friend arched her brows. Knowing Carina, it wasn't like her to leave without the last word, but she just smiled; not a calculating smirk or feigned grin but just a smile. Just because.

"You did good," she murmured appreciatively.

Sarah nodded. She didn't need her friend's approval, but they were not easy words for the woman to bestow.

Feelings were never something either of them delved into in all their time together, so Sarah spared her the discomfort. "Tomorrow?"

Carina nodded. "Tomorrow." She stole one last glance at the restaurant booth they'd left behind and shook her head slowly. "You did really good."

.

"What was that all about?" Chuck asked once Sarah returned to her seat.

"Huh?" Sarah picked up Charlotte and settled her down in her lap again, distracting herself by trying to keep the baby from stuffing one or all the charms into her mouth. "Nothing. Weather."

He didn't believe her for a second. "Nothing about me, right?"

Sarah laughed. "Don't get too full of yourself, Chuck, the world does not revolve around you."

Charlotte stopped suddenly and tilted her head upwards, staring expectantly.

They both laughed at her perfectly timing. "Yes, Chuck, you," Sarah agreed, kissing her on the crown of her head. "You are the center of my universe."

Chuck reached across the table to hold her hand. "So our baby went through some of those boxes and we found something very interesting."

Sarah looked down at their little girl. "Really?"

Chuck smiled. "Really." He reached into the diaper bag and pulled out a silver frame. "I don't recall posing for this picture. You mind telling me when we took it?"

Sarah looked down at a photograph she hadn't seen in years. Charlotte squealed and began to point excitedly at the familiar faces.

"Momma?" she asked, looking to her for confirmation. "Daddy?"

Sarah nodded absent-mindedly. "A very long time ago," she finally said.

Chuck smiled. "I had a feeling."

Sarah placed the frame back down and leaned against the booth. "We went undercover once as a married couple. It was a prop one of the technicians doctored for us."

Chuck gazed down at the photo again. His grin broadened. "And you kept it." It sounded more like an accusation than a question. "Why?"

Sarah shrugged. It was so embarrassing. "Because I liked the photo."

He wrinkled his brows. "Sarah, we look like cardboard cut-outs. You'd think they could have done a better job than just lopping off my head and sticking it onto someone else's body."

"It's a nice picture," she said, snatching it out of his hand. "I know it's not real, but I still like it."

"Well now we have much better ones," he reminded. "Real ones."

Sarah looked down at the photo again even though she had gazed at it so many times over the years she had it memorized. "Yeah," she agreed. "I guess we don't need to hold onto it anymore."

Sarah looked ready to toss the thing to the side when Chuck intervened.

"No!" he protested, taking the frame from her. He held it tightly in his hand, refusing to give it up. "We should keep it as a memento." He grinned mischievously at her. "Plus, you make a pretty cute cut-out."

* * *

_Unpacking proved to be a dilemma for Sarah. She was in a hurry to get it done and be settled, but she was particular about where things ought to be. And therein lay the trouble. _

_Try as she might, she could not pace herself to go any faster than she already was. It was difficult if not impossible to remember exactly where every item had once been. But she was insistent that everything be where it once was, so it could be like she never left. _

_That this never happened. _

_That things were still as simple-complicated as they once were, instead of being complicated-complicated like they were now. _

_Sarah had left in a hurry and the agency had cleared the room after her. Luckily for her the items hadn't been processed just yet and she had everything accounted for. Her things were still hers. _

_She sighed. It was a sad thought when after nearly four years in L.A. she still thought of this hotel room as 'home'. _

_"It's amazing how little you've amassed after all this time," Chuck remarked as he unpacked her mugs and returned them to their place in the cupboard. _

_"Really?" she asked, looking at the four cardboard boxes and her single suitcase. "This is a lot." _

_Chuck snorted. "Wait until you see how many boxes I'll have." His smile fell when he realized his slip-up. "I'm sorry," he said hastily. _

_Sarah sighed. "You're really going to go through with it?" _

_She knew the inevitability of it all, but a little part of her still hoped that he could change the world for her. _

_"Well, it's about time I moved out. I won't tell Ellie about Carmen just yet..." He swallowed his words only after great difficulty. "Give it some time...you know?" _

_Sarah smiled despite her frustrations. "You know something is terribly wrong with the world when I've become your real girlfriend just as you finally break up our cover relationship." _

_Chuck winced. He walked over to where she stood and wrapped his arms around her. _

_"You know this is only temporary, right?" he asked, searching her eyes for some sign of confirmation. "When I finish rebuilding the new Intersect and the database..." _

_Sarah closed her eyes. "I know," she said. If there was one thing they had too much of, it was patience. _

_"We'll finally be able to put this behind us. And maybe the general will be so pleased she'll let me go." _

_Sarah had to fight to keep her smile intact. She didn't want to think about all the other obstacles in their way. Taking things one day at a time was already hard enough. _

_"Maybe," she said, unable to destroy the hope she clung to just as dearly. "Wouldn't that be nice?" _

_Chuck's eyes lit up at her words. He held her tight, a promise never to go, and Sarah thought perhaps this could, against all odds, work out. _

_He lets her go too soon, she thinks, as he reaches into the box she'd been trying to sort out. _

_"What's this?" he asked, knowing full well what he held in his hands. _

_Sarah gasped and her face flushed a deep scarlet. She grabbed the frame from him and shoved it back down to the bottom of the box. _

"_Nothing," she dismissed. She had completely forgotten about it. _

_Chuck's mouth hung wide open and he looked as if he wanted to laugh but was too afraid to. "Where did you get that?" he gaped. _

_Sarah takes a deep breath and wondered if she'd turned on the thermostat by accident. She fanned the air in front of her and wished he wouldn't give her the puppy-dog eyes. She's never been able to thwart the puppy-dog eyes. _

_"Okay," she confessed. "I swiped it when they were wiping down the house. Is that a crime?" _

_Chuck shook his head slowly. The smile on his face reminds her of a child opening gifts on Christmas morning. She doesn't understand how this could make him so happy. _

_"Why did you do it?" _

_Sarah shrugged, doing everything she could to dispel the tell-tale flush from her cheeks. "No reason." She closed her eyes and groaned softly under her breath. It was a terrible lie. She had already been caught with her hand in the cookie jar._

_Chuck doesn't say anything though. He just smiles at her and nods. "Okay," he whispered. "You don't need a reason." She nods in relief but when he leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips, Sarah feels her heart jump again. _

_He feels it too. Sarah can tell from the look on Chuck's face. He looks like a cat with the biggest catch in its mouth._

"_I'm going to order some pizza, is that okay?" _

_He smirks at her. It's supposed to be her thing; trying to change the topic, steer the conversation somewhere safe and neutral. _

"_Fine," she said distractedly. With Chuck gone, perhaps she'll finally be able to return to her natural color. _

_Sarah turned her attention back to the box beside her. Her fingers rummage through the collection of magazines and DVD's, only stopping when they've hit the very bottom. They linger there for a moment, and then ever so discretely, she draws the frame back out into the open. _

_Her fingers trace the wedding portrait. It's not real, she knows, but there's nothing wrong with wishful thinking. _

_

* * *

_

.

_Okay, so the title was a bit of a red herring but it does play into both timeframes! The title of the next chapter is extremely uncreative and obtuse so i won't even bother putting it down. My only hint is think cupcakes and clowns... _

_i can't believe we are nearing the end. __thanks for the feedback. hope you enjoyed. _


	9. ChuckSarah vs the birthday

_A/N: Okay, chapter nine is finally here after much hemming and hawing. I had so much trouble with the direction of this chapter. thanks a million **aardvark**, you picked out the issues i spent days trying to figure out on my own. Hopefully this version is an improvement.  
_

_Thank you everyone who voted on my profile, i really appreciated it. I won't close the poll but i don't intend to update it with the new chapters. They'll be in a second set (and the magic number is.....14!) and i'll set that up when i'm done the series. For those who haven't voted, please check out the poll on my profile for the favorite chapter of "then and now". Sarah vs the Return (Ch. 7) was not favorited by any of you which is too bad because it's going to be HUGE (do i hear groans?) in the upcoming chapters. You might even have to re-read it. _

_As always, check out my profile for a time-line of the chapters. Reading my two previous works may be a pre-req, but they're not so bad are they? _

_

* * *

_Chapter 9: Chuck/Sarah vs the Birthday

_Sarah isn't so sure it's a good idea when Chuck announces that he's coming over. It's already late, they're both tired from pulling double-time on their jobs, real and fake, and she doesn't have the strength to fight this uphill battle anymore. _

_Because a part of her wants this, has always wanted this, and there is only so much her rational mind can do to keep them apart. _

_He arrives at the door in the same clothes she last saw him in, his hair just as awry as she remembered from the nap hours earlier in the van. One of the few times he's actually stayed in the car. _

"_Hey." He leans in for a kiss and her first reflex is to flinch and turn her head to the side. Sarah steels her body to stand still just long enough to allow him to carry through, but he senses the tension and pulls away quickly with an apologetic look on his face. _

"_Right, I'm sorry," he says, shoving one hand into his pocket. His other is hampered by the brown-bag he holds. "I couldn't help myself. It was just instinct, I wasn't thinking—" _

_He shouldn't have to apologize for kissing his girlfriend, that wasn't something normal boyfriends did. And much to Sarah's dismay, she realized they would never be normal. Not when half of her still struggled in vain to keep them apart. _

"_No!" she blurts. She says it forcefully for her own sake but Chuck flinches anyway. He doesn't understand. She has to be strong, it's the only way she can shut away the nagging voice in her head. _

_Without warning she grabs him and pulls him into a long, drawn out kiss, all the while trying to reassure herself that this was the way a normal girlfriend behaved. _

_But it wasn't. _

_Not like this. _

_Their embraces were always too frantic, too desperate; like all they had were a few seconds before they woke from their respective dreams. _

_Sarah couldn't keep doing this—giving herself and him this hope only to dash it seconds later by pulling back. Instinct told her this was wrong. That she needed to run; to get out of here before someone got hurt. But every time she thought about it (and she has, countless times), she remembered one thing. _

_He made her feel—it wasn't something any string of words could ever describe; the feeling was surreal and yet completely, wholeheartedly...real. And no matter how much it frightened her, she just couldn't let that go. _

_Sarah pulls away finally and hastily wipes her lips, trying to hide any evidence of their unprofessional behaviour. Chuck stares at her like a deer in headlights, coughing on his own breath. _

_She closes the door behind him and locks it, trying to keep the blush from creeping to her cheeks. "Sorry. I don't know what got over me either. I wasn't thinking."_

_Chuck just stares and it makes it even harder for her to face him when he looks at her that way. She doesn't know how he still can when she hasn't even taken a shower after the kind of day they've had. _

"_You wanted to see me?" she prompts and gestures to the freshly made bed. She doesn't know what she'd do without housekeeping. Living out of hotels has made her incapable of being domestic. _

Also not normal.

_"Yeah. Yeah I did." Chuck settles down on the edge of the large bed and she climbs over the sheets to sit beside him. "I got you something." _

_Sarah's caught by opposing forces and her immediate reaction is to give a neutral response. _

"_Oh." _

_It's not the reaction Chuck's waiting for, and he looks at her warily, like he's not sure if he should continue. _

_A part of her wants to smile and bask in the fact he's thought of her, and the other dreads the further blurring of the lines between her professional and otherwise relationship with him. _

_Because words were one thing, but following through on them was another. _

"_Oh Chuck, you shouldn't have..." she said. She began to worry as his hand reached into the brown bag. She knew how pitiful his salary at the Buy-More was, knew how little he had left after splurging on his sister's wedding gift—_

_Then she saw the item in his hand. _

_Chuck laughed at her reaction. "Not diamonds, Sarah, I'm sorry," he said as he handed the clear plastic container over to her. _

_She takes it and examines the contents, unsure how to react. "Try it. Double-chocolate, your favourite." _

_Sarah was doubly embarrassed; first that Chuck could tell she'd been expecting something else, and second at herself for even thinking that far. _

"_Thank you," she said, and she meant it. Chuck always knew how to make her smile, even when she didn't think she could. And right now, a chocolate cupcake with dark chocolate buttercream icing was exactly what she needed. _

_Chuck laughed nervously as he tried to meet her gaze. "Happy birthday." _

_Sarah has to use every shred of her training not to freeze up or stare. She tries to swallow but her throat is suddenly as dry as a cottonball. "I...I thought you gave up on that," she said after a long awkward silence. _

_Chuck smiled. "You know I'm too broke to play the guessing game every day, but I figured I'd give it a try every now and then." He looks at her expectantly, and then his expression falls. "Even if it's your birthday, you'd never tell me, right?" _

_Sarah shakes her head. Lying to him would be cruel, and she's already cruel enough. _

You can't keep giving hope to someone only to quash it seconds later._ Sarah sighed. No. And Chuck wasn't the only one hurting when she did. _

_Chuck's shoulders slump in disappointment but he smiles anyway. "Guess I'll just keep guessing." _

_Sarah holds her tongue. She wants to ask what is the point, but then she stares down at her gift and thinks better of it. One of these days he'll tire of the one-sidedness, and once he's given her everything he has, there will be nothing left for her to take. _

_"It's okay," he said. "Don't worry about it." _

_Suddenly aware of how she's projecting herself, Sarah sits up straight, trying to hide behind a new mask. Had she become that easy to read? _

_He looks at her with such a frank expression of his feelings that she feels like a coward for always hiding behind an excuse. She opens her mouth to explain why things had to be this way, but stopped herself at the last second. She was beginning to sound like a broken record. _

_He knows anyway, that's why he's already forgiven her. _

_"I just wish I knew..." he said. "So we could celebrate it." _

_Sarah wrinkled her brows. Sometimes she couldn't understand his fixations. _

"_Why would you want to do that?" _

_"Because it's important." He looks at her strangely, as if he shouldn't have to explain what should be so obvious. "It's the one day where everyone you love shows how much they love you. Just you." _

_Sarah takes a deep breath and sighs. "I don't celebrate birthdays," she said flatly. _

_Chuck stared at her with those soulful brown eyes, and when she met his gaze, she knew she was done for. The corners of his lips curled into a smile, and she knew that he knew it was all just a front. He didn't buy the hard-lipped, tough-girl act any more than she bought his Casey-esque impersonations._

_He spares her her pride though. Chuck's never been the confrontational type. He just sighs and agrees with her, even though both know it's only another lie. _

_"Yeah. I know." He takes her hand and squeezes it for affirmation. "There's something else you should know." _

_Sarah holds her breath. She senses they're about to enter dangerous waters again and her first instinct is to pull away._

_She doesn't though. The rational part of her could nag all it wanted but the rest of her followed Chuck's lead, and she found herself squeezing his hand just as hard. _

_"The law's finally caught up to your dad. They caught him this afternoon and they've got him in lockdown. They're going to transfer him tomorrow."_

_The news isn't what Sarah's prepared herself for, and all her masks fail her. Chuck tries to hold her steady but she's still reeling from the news. _

_"I'm sorry. I thought..." Chuck begins to speak frantically in an attempt to console her. "I thought you would like to hear it from me instead of Casey. He thought it would be better that way too."A pause. "Do you want to see him?" _

_Sarah stares down at her gift of double-chocolate and cream. She's never been more grateful for it. _

Happy birthday, indeed.

* * *

Chuck's still drifting in and out of thick, clouded dreams when he senses that something is wrong. He couldn't quite put his finger on it but buried under the covers, he could feel it as easily as a chill in the air.

Frowning, he reached blindly over to the other side of the bed, fully expecting to find his better half—only to discover the space cold and vacant.

"Sarah?" Chuck groaned, finally opening his sleepy eyes. No response. "Sarah?" The panic in his voice rises as he sits up to stare at the alarm clock. It's six in the morning on a Sunday.

_They call it lazy Sundays for a reason…_

"Sarah?"

Suddenly completely awake, Chuck throws aside the covers and rushes to the door. He runs barefoot down the hall, barges into the first room on the right and only allows himself to relax when he sees that everything is as it should be.

Even after all these years, Chuck still holds onto the secret fear that he would one day wake to find that none of this was real.

But it was. Everything was.

The contents of the nursery are exactly as he left it the night before, save for the crib area. Chuck laughed softly under his breath as he bent down to retrieve the blanket they'd tucked her in for the night, along with a plush Piglet and much-beloved albeit tattered bunny, all of which had somehow found their way to the ground. He returned the objects to the crib and tucked the blanket back over the sleeping infant.

"Sleeping like a log…" he teased softly under his breath. Or as Sarah would say, _sleeping like Chuck._ Counting sheep with an uncanny look of concentration, the babe didn't stir once, not even when her father bent down to kiss her on the crown of her head.

He tousled her hair gently, the wild curls all too reminiscent of his own after a night of tossing and turning, and left her to her dreams.

.

Chuck descended the stairs, ultimately finding the object of his search frantically at work in the kitchen—frantic being the operative word. There wasn't a single inch of counter space left unoccupied. Dishes that Chuck didn't recall ever owning were piled high in the sink, the windows were pushed wide open and the distinct smell of something burning lingered in the air.

"Sarah," he said, at a loss for words. "What are you doing?"

She looked at him distractedly, granting him only a second of her time before her concentration went back to the kitchen.

"What does it look like?" she asked. She set the mixing bowl down to wipe her brows with the back of her hand but only succeeded in smearing a line of flour across her forehead. Chuck laughed as he tried to help her brush it away.

He didn't think he'd ever tire of seeing his wife in the kitchen. She could recall contact numbers faster than his phone and stare down people twice her size without even breaking a sweat but the kitchen was a whole other domain.

"It's six in the morning, Sarah, come back to bed." He tugged at her bathrobe with his idle hands, but she was having none of it today.

"Chuck!" she scolded. "I can't. There's no time. I'm making a cake."

Chuck looked around the kitchen and raised a brow. "More like _cakes,_" he said, scanning the plate after plate of cakes lined up along the counters. "Honey, what's gotten into you?" He laughed at the absurd sight. They had enough cakes to feed an entire school. "How long have you been at this?"

Before Sarah could answer, the oven timer _beeped_ and she rushed to take out the next batch.

"Damn it!" she cursed, once she had removed the cake, and threw the oven mitts against the range for good measure.

Chuck stifled a laugh. They'd both agreed not to curse anymore, especially now that Charlotte was starting to mimic everything they did, so he knew that her patience was running thin today.

"Sarah, stop!" He grabbed her hands and tried to hold her still but she was like a bundle of live wires. Wrestling her was more difficult than trying to tie down Charlotte for a nap.

"No, Chuck, I have to do this!" She wasn't even looking at him when she said it, her eyes drifted past him to the cake still hot from the oven. "Damn it. I'll have to make another one."

Chuck did a double-take to make sure they were looking at the same cake. "It's fine, it's just a little burnt," he said.

Sarah rolled her eyes.

"It's _normal_, Sarah. It's a very _normal_ looking cake." He grabbed her hand before she could reach for the spatula and pulled her close. Chuck was so used to finding a sense of clarity when he stared into her eyes, so it was strange to find the light in them noticeably absent today. Instead they were clouded by thoughts he couldn't understand.

"I don't want normal today, I need perfect. Everything has to be perfect," she stressed.

"Why?" He hugged her close, trying to keep her with him for just a little while longer. "It's six in the morning. On a Sunday!" He buried his face into her long golden hair, taking in the scent of gardenias and icing sugar. "Come back to bed. We'll get up when the baby's up, and then I'll help you decorate like I promised."

Sarah smiled, like she was sorely tempted and seriously considering the offer, but Chuck caught the glint in her eye.

"Oh my God," he said as he let go of her. "Please say you didn't—" Chuck stopped short as he stepped into the living room. Sure enough, there were streamers hanging from all four walls and balloons already blown and drifting idly around the room.

"Oh my God," he repeated as he turned back to face his wife. "Sarah!"

"I couldn't sleep," she said with a shrug. "It didn't take that long, honest."

Chuck raked his hands through his own hair at a loss for words. "But I was supposed to help you. Why didn't you wake me?"

For the first time since the morning, Sarah finally relaxed enough to let out a laugh. "As if I could," she teased. "Remember how you said you'd share night-time duty with me for Chuck? Remember how well that went?"

Chuck blushed, guilty as charged. "Well you should have tried harder." Knowing what she was apt to do next, he raised his hands up in surrender before she had even grabbed the nearest spatula. "But it is my fault for sleeping like a log. Completely, utterly, my fault."

Sarah narrowed her eyes at him but she was smiling. "Go back upstairs. You can get up when Chuck gets up."

Chuck grabbed her hand and gave it a tug, refusing to sleep in the bed alone. "Relax, Sarah, you're stressing yourself out. Charlotte isn't going to remember any of this. Come on. Come back upstairs."

Sarah shook her head, stubborn to a fault. "No. I have to do this."

"But Charlotte's not going to remember if you burnt the cake or if you didn't throw her an all-out birthday bash. Just relax. This is only her first birthday, she's going to have a million others."

"But _I_ will remember," she stressed, looking at him now with the most hapless expression on her face. "_I_ want to remember this. I want this to be real. I want this to mean something."

Chuck frowned. He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her tight, trying to find his bearings amidst stormy blue waters.

"But this is real," he said, and tightened his grip as if to remind them both. "And it does mean something."

Sarah buried her face into his chest, her breaths burning into his shirt like a hot iron brand. "Yeah. I know."

But her admission wasn't enough, and Chuck wished for the millionth time he could remember, so he'd know, really know, what this was all about.

* * *

_Constantly bound by obligations, Sarah finds herself doing a lot of things she'd rather not and then justifying it all as something for the greater good. _

Because that makes everything okay.

_So when Chuck asks her if she wants to see him, see the very man who made her this way and drove her down the road she still struggles on a daily basis to retreat from, she says 'yes' because it's the right thing to say. _

_And then she leaves Chuck, gets in her car, and drives to the facility in the middle of the night, because she doesn't think she'll feel the same way after an evening of tossing and turning. _

_.  
_

_He greets her with a great big smile. "Hello, darling, I wasn't expecting you!" _

Who else were you expecting?

_Even though he's shackled to his seat, dressed in that hideous orange jumpsuit, he looks as if nothing is amiss. If not for the cold steel bars and guard at the door to remind her, they could very well be meeting in a park or a cafe. _

_Like any normal family. _

_Sarah has to fight every instinct not to lash out, consoling herself with the fact he's all she has in the world. Even if he wasn't the world's best father, he was still hers. _

_She takes a seat opposite him, crossing her arms to avoid his outstretched hands. It doesn't deter him. _

"_So..." he says as he smiles at her. "When can I leave this place?"_

"_I don't know," she replies, stubbornly clinging to her grudge. Last time had been her fault though. She'd expected too much from him and set herself up for disappointment. _

_His smile falls. "What do you mean you don't know? You work for them don't you?" _

_Sarah narrows her eyes. Her father was a quick study and she knew she'd never get one past her old man. Her silence seems to confirm his suspicions and he grins triumphantly. _

"_Can't you pull a few strings for me?" He smiled again and it reminded her so much of Chuck's own that she felt a sudden rush of anger. He had no right to taint the one thing in her life that was good and pure. _

"_What you did was illegal. When people break the law they go to jail; it's kind of how the system works," she informs flatly. _

_His expression falls momentarily but then he recoups his losses and smiles twice as warmly. That was her father. Never one to give up. _

_She eyes the man critically. "Do you know what today is?" Without being aware, she holds her breath in anticipation. _

"_October twentieth," he answers. The correct answer for most but not for her. _

"_No." She sighs and hates herself for still clinging to the embers of hope that should long have been snuffed out. She was such a glutton for punishment. "What today _is?"_ she emphasizes, hoping he will finally catch on. Then this wouldn't be a complete loss. _

_He shakes his head and holds out his empty palms. "No, angel, but I bet you're going to tell me," he says with a wink. _

_Sarah stares at him, trying to hide her emotions. To keep from looking so damn eager and desperate. "It's my birthday." _

_The man had the gall to shrug, smile even, as he admitted his mistake. "Okay. Happy birthday." _

"_You don't mean it," she accuses and he shrugs, not ashamed to admit that fact either. "How could you forget your own daughter's birthday?" _

"_It's not your birthday and I can't help it if you have so many. It's hard to keep track of them all," he informs. _

Of any of them.

_Sarah takes a deep breath and counts backwards from twenty. Ellie's told her it helps in stressful situations. It's not working though. By the time she reaches ten all she can do is stare at her father's winning smile and be reminded of all her past misgivings. _

"_When's my real birthday then?" _

_He shrugs. "Sorry. I don't remember."_

_She couldn't believe it. "What do you mean?" _

"_I mean, darlin', I don't remember. It was a long time ago and we changed it so many times." He stares at her, an incredulous smile creeping to his lips. "I don't believe this! Are you really—" He nearly didn't go on, but the shock of the realization was too great to pass up. "Are you _really_ getting this worked up over a few numbers? I promise you I have the right year. Isn't that enough?" _

_Sarah couldn't believe it either. "We've never celebrated any of my birthdays." It was pathetic really. She had six times the number of birthdays a normal child had and nothing to show for it. "All the other kids had parties and presents and cake—" _

"_And those suckers probably never got to experience half the things you did so I'd say we're even," her father reminds, pointing a lecturing finger at her. _

_Sarah arches a brow. Nearly getting run over by a truck, staying in foster care for two weeks until her father found a way to jump prison, never staying more than a few months in any place—right; even. _

"_Come on, angel-hair, are you really mad because I forgot your fake birthday?" _

"_It's not that!" she snaps, bristling only because he wasn't taking any of this seriously. _

Well, why should he?

-----Why are you fixating?

"_It's the principle of it," she said, trying to justify to herself and him. "Like it doesn't mean anything." _

Like I don't mean anything to you.

"_Well of course it doesn't mean anything," he exclaimed. "It's just a few numbers." He sighs with exasperation. "I don't see why you're so upset." _

_Chuck's words ring over and over again in Sarah's mind. Because a birthday was ' the one day where everyone you love shows how much they love you. Just you.'_

"_I want something real," she blurted. "Is that so much to ask? Just one thing that's not a lie, that actually means something." _

_Her father's smile finally wavers and she thinks she asks for too much. His whole life and ergo hers are built on a foundation of lies. Take it away and what do you have left? _

_Sarah stands up, causing the metal chair to grate against the cement ground, echoing the hollowness she felt in her heart. _

"_I want a father who can be there for me instead of one who just calls when they need to get out of a mess." _

_He stares at his hands. "That's a 'no' to the bail then?" he asks without looking at her. _

_Sarah rolls her eyes in disgust. "You're resourceful, I'm sure you'll find a way." She steels herself for the cold rejection and even though she can justify why he deserves it, she's not used to turning her back on obligations. _

"_You still with that schnook?" he asks, just as she's about to head for the door. _

_She doesn't know why she responds, but she feels like he ought to know that there was one aspect of her life that was no longer a lie. _

"_Yeah. We're together," she says. A pause. "And he's not a schnook." _

_He smiles and nods, giving her a rare look of approval. "I want to see him." _

"_No." All her prior misgivings rush back when she realizes what her father intends to do. Marching back to the desk, she towers over him, nearly shaking with anger. "You stay away from him!" she warns. "You're not pulling him into one of your schemes or convincing him to get you out of here!" _

_Her father doesn't say anything. _

"_Did you hear me?" she demands. _

_He still doesn't say anything and he doesn't have to. They both know the kind of person Chuck is. He'd do anything for her, even if she didn't want him to. _

_And that's precisely why fighting this relationship was a losing battle. _

* * *

Having an overzealous sister and chaperoning the occasional event at Charlotte's daycare should have prepared Chuck for the madness of a birthday party involving a hoard of toddlers all under the age of three but he just never imagined it would take place in his own backyard. In fact little could have prepared anyone for this event, unless they happened to have eighteen children in their home all the time.

"Be honest, Ellie, you put Sarah up to this, didn't you?" Chuck said. He walked towards his sister as if he were navigating through a minefield. The last thing he wanted was to be knocked over by some rambunctious child, or worse, the other way around.

Ellie wrinkled her brows as she shook her head. Even she looked a little confused. "No. No, this is all her." Chuck stared accusingly at the inflatable bouncy castle, the miniature pony ride, and the troop of clowns to boot, but she remained steadfast in her conviction. "Hey! I swear. I thought it was going to be a small family affair."

Chuck sighed. "So did I." He had no idea what changed her mind. Sarah had been completely _normal_ about their daughter's first birthday up until a week ago. Nonchalant even. Then, as if a switch had suddenly been flicked, she became consumed with planning the most extravagant birthday party in all of toddlerdom.

"Well, at least they seem to be enjoying themselves," Chuck said, the sole consolation for all of Sarah's maniacal behaviour. _Speaking of whom;_ "Have you seen Sarah?"

Ellie shook her head. "No, I've had my hands full making sure Will doesn't repeat what happened at the last birthday party he was invited to."

Chuck smiled. He didn't even want to know. "He looks like he's having a blast."

Ellie laughed at that. Indeed the little boy, his thick blond hair matted with sweat, could be heard laughing at the top of his lungs as he ran past them. Charlotte toddled after him as if she were the boy's tail, turning when he turned, stopping when he stopped. Will acted as if that was the way things ought to be, and hardly paid any attention to his steadfast fan.

"That's so sweet, Chuck. You used to be like that too," Ellie teased. "You used to follow me around everywhere I went. Admit it, you worshiped me."

Chuck scoffed. "I did not!" And even if he did, he didn't remember—thankfully. But Ellie was right about one thing. It _was_ sweet to see them together; he couldn't deny the joy he felt when he saw his little girl reach out to grab her cousin's hand. Charlotte was precocious but guarded, much like her mother; and he knew just how much the gesture meant.

Suddenly a garishly dressed clown in bright yellow and red polka dots approached the two, stooping to meet Will at eye level.

"Well hello, young man, is it your birthday today?"

Will smiled at the stranger. His little chest puffed out as he announced with great pride—"Yeah!"

Chuck doubled over with laughter as his sister looked on, horrified. "William Weston Woodcomb!" she threatened, marching towards him. "It is not your birthday today!"

"But Chuck said it was okay!" he whined, pointing an accusatory finger at the little girl clinging to his shirt.

"I don't care. I'm your mother and I say it's not."

"But she already gave it to me—"

"William!"

Catching on, the clown turned his attention to the little girl. "So it's your birthday today, is it?" he asked, staring down at her. "What's your name, sweetheart?"

Charlotte cowered further behind her cousin, trying to make herself scarce.

Chuck's smile faded. He sensed what was about to happen before she had even opened her mouth and swooped in to take the little girl in his arms.

"It's okay," he whispered quickly, hugging her tight. "Don't cry, Daddy's here."

It wasn't enough though, and like a stack of dominos, what was already in motion couldn't be stopped. Charlotte scrunched her face in revulsion and began to cry in earnest, shielding her eyes by burrowing herself into his chest. It was difficult for Chuck to bear but Ellie seemed unfazed by the reaction.

"I'm sorry," he said, apologizing to the garishly dressed and admittedly frightening clown. "She gets her completely rational fear of carnivals from me. Ellie—"

"Don't worry, I've got this," his sister said, sounding like a seasoned pro. "Go find Sarah. I'm sure she needs a break too."

Chuck had never been so grateful. "Thanks, Ellie."

Ellie smirked. "Admit it, you still worship me."

Chuck stuck out his tongue but he had to hand it to her. Ellie was a saint.

Turning towards the house, he rubbed the little girl's back, trying to soothe her as best he could. "Come on, Piglet, let's go find Mommy, okay?"

Charlotte hid her face in Chuck's shirt, refusing to even open her eyes until she could be sure the clown was out of sight. The interior of the house was thankfully quiet and as soon as Chuck had the screen door shut, the little girl quieted down.

"Sarah?" he called. There was no response but he didn't need one. He could hear the sound of imminent calamity coming from the kitchen. "Sarah!"

"Not now, Chuck, I'm busy," she shouted with her back to them. Elbow deep in the sink, the pile of dirty plates from the morning seemed to have gone forth and multiplied as Sarah tried to clear the space.

"Momma—"

Charlotte's pitiful voice was drowned out by the hum of the dishwater and the gushing faucet but Sarah spun around at the drop of a dime. Dropping the plate in her hand so quickly it nearly fell off the sink ledge and to the floor, she threw off her gloves and rushed to hold her baby.

Chuck more than willingly relinquished his hold on the little girl. There was only one person who could calm her better than he could.

"Chuck honey," she soothed as she hugged her tight. "What happened?"

"Clowns," Chuck said, as if that explained it all. Charlotte sniffed, wrinkling her face at even the mention of her aforementioned enemy. The babe in tears was such a pitiful sight; had he not witnessed the exchange, he would have thought it was something far worse than a man with bad fashion sense.

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry," Sarah said, rocking the little girl slowly back and forth. It was the last straw.

Her eyes began to well with fat tears and her shoulders sagged forwards in defeat. "This is all my fault!" she lamented.

Chuck watched in shock as he witnessed his ever-capable wife fall to pieces. "Sarah," he uttered, unsure who he should soothe first. Charlotte began to cry in earnest once she saw her mother in tears, and the two seemed to feed off one another in a vicious cycle.

It was a disaster.

"Sarah, don't be upset. They're just clowns. They're harmless. I'll go send them home, okay?"

Sarah shook her head, hastily trying to wipe away her own tears and her daughter's. "I'm so sorry," she whimpered. "I just wanted everything to be perfect for today."

"It is!" Chuck exclaimed. It was hard to believe that a group of badly dressed men could reduce the ones he loved to tears. This only reinforced his own fear of carnivals in general.

"Okay, I'll send them packing. I won't even tip them, how's that?" He tried to coax a smile from his little girl, the easier target, but she only shook her head and buried her face into Sarah's neck.

"I'm so sorry, Chuck!" Sarah cried and this time Chuck had no idea who she was speaking to. All he knew was that he had to find a remedy to the situation—fast.

"Let's go somewhere quiet, okay?" He fished for the car keys in his pocket, and dangled them in his hand. "Come on, I got the keys." He jingled them a few times and Charlotte halted her tears long enough to look for the source of the commotion.

_One person down, another to go._

"We can't leave," Sarah said, futilely wiping her eyes with her sleeve. "This is our house. There are people out there."

Chuck turned to look out the screen door. "Somehow I don't think anyone would notice," he said, nodding as he caught a glimpse of William dash past with a birthday crown stuck firmly on his head.

"Come on, Sarah," he coaxed. This madness had gone on for long enough. She needed to relax, they all did. "Piglet wants to go for a ride, doesn't she?" he asked, winning their daughter to his side with another jingle of the keys. "Are you going to say no to her on her birthday?"

At last, Chuck caught a glimpse of the woman he loved so dearly. "Well when you put it that way..." she said, kissing the little girl firmly on the cheek. "Anything for my Chuck."

Charlotte giggled and Sarah winked at him; leaving Chuck to figure out once again just who she was referring to.

* * *

_Sarah used to know what it meant to be professional. Her career demanded it and she lived by it. It had come as easily as breathing; an instinctual set of standards she set out for herself. _

_And now? _

_Now she no longer lived under any such illusions. _

_First Chuck, now her father; she hated how she was letting everyone just get to her. _

"_I'm sorry." _

_She tries not to look so annoyed because she knows it's Chuck's favourite word, but of all the things he could say..._

"_What do you have to be sorry about?" She spoke in a watchful tone only because she knew they were being taped in the yogurt store but she doubted Casey would give a damn. He probably deliberately skipped their conversations to avoid suffering a brain aneurysm. _

_Chuck shrugged. "I'm sorry that things didn't go well with your father." _

_Sarah clenched the muscles in her jaw and braved a smile. "Nothing new. Remember," she said, tapping his noggin' with her finger as a reminder. "Be ready for disappointment." _

_He remembers. And that's why he gives her a good dose of the sad puppy-dog eyes. _

"_I'm sorry," he says again. _

"_You can't take responsibility for everything that happens," she lectures. "If it's anyone's fault, it's mine." _

_Even though she fully accepts the responsibility, Chuck looks only more conflicted. _

"_Hey, want some yogurt?" She holds up an empty cup. "You haven't had lunch." _

_Chuck's smile slowly returns. "Double-chocolate?" _

"_For you," she says. "_Triple_ chocolate." _

_.  
_

_Chuck returns to work after his lunch-break ends and she tries to shut out any thought of her father. What he did with his life was up to him; it had nothing to do with her. _

_Nothing..._

_----and everything. She could lie all she wanted, but deep down, all her lies were so achingly transparent. _

_Desperate to take her mind off of what was really bothering her, she deflected to the other constant source of her worries. Entering the familiar series of digits, she waited for him to pick up. _

_After the second ring she starts to chew her lips and by the time she reaches voice-mail she has to rationalize that there are a million reasons why someone would ignore a call. It's perfectly _normal.

Be normal. Please. Do you think you can handle that?_ She argued with herself over the finer points of dating. There were no rules in place between her and Chuck. How much should she worry? _

A normal amount.

_The answer sounded so simple in her mind. But really, what was the _normal_ amount of worrying a girlfriend should do for her boyfriend whilst under the guise of dating for years longer than they actually were? _

_Sarah groaned. There was nothing normal at all about any of this. _

_Changing tactics, Sarah called the Buy-More. Thankfully someone who didn't make her skin crawl or leave her wondering if she might catch a VD through a handshake picked up. _

_"Hey, Anna, is Chuck around?" _

_"Chuck is on an off-site install," Anna replied, smacking loudly on her gum. "Wanna leave a message?" _

_Sarah wasn't sure she had anything meaningful to say. She twisted her lip in thought. Was it _normal_ to want to talk to her boyfriend of near three-some years after just spending an hour with him? _

_"No. That's okay." Casey was over there anyway. "Will you let him know I called though?" she added as an afterthought. _

You have no self-control.

_Sarah shook her head. No, she really didn't. _

_.  
_

_An hour later Sarah's phone rings. She instantly thinks of Chuck and hopes he's back from the install. She's even got plans of running over to make a delivery; any excuse to get out of this blue-frosted prison._

_"Hello?" _

_"I'm sorry." _

_It's Chuck's favourite word but it's not Chuck on the other line. Sarah's blood chills. _

_"Pardon?" _

_The caller on the other end hesitates. Sarah's heard him just fine but she doesn't understand. Was this some kind of joke? _

_"I'm sorry, darlin'." _

_Sarah leans against the granite counter, hoping the ice-cold surface will remind her of where she's left her senses. _

_"What do you want?" Her voice is so chilled it makes her cringe involuntarily. "What do you need," she corrects, though it doesn't sound much better. _

_Her father sighs into the phone. "They'll be transferring me in a few hours. Can you come down?" When she doesn't immediately agree, he throws in a heap of guilt to add fuel to the flame. "It'll be the last time, I swear." _

_Sarah doesn't know why she's such a sucker for this. If she can't say 'no' to her own father, then she really has no hope against Chuck. _

_.  
_

_Nothing's really changed the second time around. There's a distinct sense of déjà vu as Sarah enters the secured room and sits across from her father. He's still in the hideous orange jump-suit and his hands are still shackled but he doesn't seem half as smug as he was the night before. If she didn't know better she would have thought the emotional toll of being on the run for the last twenty years had finally caught up to him. _

_But she knew her father better than that. And she had to keep reminding herself lest she become a 'schnook' too. _

_"I'm sorry, Sarah," he said, looking her straight in the eye. _

_He'd done this sort of thing before though, and he was so terribly good at it. _

_Sarah steeled her heart. "I don't believe you." _

_"Then let me prove it to you," he said. His voice was so earnest—_

_Sarah shook her head, as if trying to snap out of a trance. "How?" _

_"Once I get back on my feet, I'll come clean. Wash my hands of it all." He raised his shackled wrists but didn't go so far as to try and hold her hand. "I could stay with you or Charlie—" _

_As if a match had been lit right under her seat, Sarah jumps up, slamming her palms on the table. "You talked to Chuck." Not a question, but a statement that demanded further explanation. _

_All of a sudden her heart races like a car with the accelerator pushed to the floor. _

His offsite install, huh?_ She should have known. She should have known from the second she saw the pensive expression on his face at lunch that he would try and fix things. _

"_What did you two talk about?" she asked when her father didn't give an answer. _

_The man shrugged, purposefully avoiding eye contact. "Nothing...nothing that would interest you. Just a conversation, man to man." _

Because you're one to give advice.

_Sarah seethed silently in her head. She didn't know who she was angrier with; her manipulative father or her foolishly well-meaning boyfriend. One was too cunning for his own good and the other was an idiot, to be sure. _

"_We could start over, Sarah," he said when he could be sure she'd calmed down. _

_Sarah sank back down into her seat. "We've started over...and over...and over..." she said. When she'd been a child she hadn't had a choice, but she had one now. _

_Her father leaned across the table, his face lighting up with hope. "But this time it will be different. I promise you that, Sarah." _

_The fact he's started to use a name rather than one of the multitudes of endearments is not lost on her. He's serious...about something. Sarah just couldn't be sure it was her. _

"_You have to get out of jail first before you can start over," she said, crossing her arms. _

"_Right." He looked down at the cuffs and then back at her. All the wrinkles on his face seemed to magnify when he sighed. "I thought you might help me with that. Charlie said—" _

"_Don't," she warned. _Don't call Chuck that. Don't act like you're his friend.

"_Sarah, if you could just believe me this one time—" _

_Sarah shot out of her seat. "I'm sorry," she blurted, and she was. "I thought I could do this, but I can't." _

_She knew she wasn't strong enough for this, so she backed away with her hands raised in surrender. "I'm sorry!" she said. "I just can't. I can't." She shook her head. "I can't do this anymore." _

_Her father looks as if he finally gets that this is an ultimatum. There are no more second chances. _

_All his facades fall and the first true expression she's seen since their reunion appears. He looks older than she's ever seen him, and suddenly the man who could turn water to gold appears before her not as the god she once knew but just a lonely old man. _

"_Will you visit me?" _

_Sarah stared at the doors. "I didn't think you'd care," she said, holding fast against the waves of guilt that crashed over her. _

"_Of course I care," he said, and when he did, Sarah was suddenly reminded of memories she'd long forgotten. A loving kiss after a job well done, Rocky Road ice-cream in the special cone because 'nothing was too good for my angel' and how special it'd felt when he winked at her, as if they spoke a secret language only the two of them knew..._

"_Believe it or not, Sarah, this is what I do," he informed sadly. "I screw things up. Your old man is a screw-up." _

_Sarah bites down on the inside of her cheek. She's careful about how much emotion she's willing to show. Even a confession as ardent and frank as this is hard to believe. She just doesn't know what's real anymore. _

_Her father reads people for a living and she's easily the most well-versed book in his collection. If she's smart, she'll say he's just telling her what she wants to hear, playing off her emotions.  
_

_"I want to believe you, but I don't know where to start," she confesses. _

_He turns and stares down at the ground by her feet. "I'm sorry." _

It's a start.

* * *

It seems only fitting that they end their day at the beach. It had been the setting of so many other firsts: their first date, their second first date, the place he'd first proposed, where she'd first told him the news, and now their little girl's first birthday.

Without any clowns to harass them or screaming children to distract them, Chuck, Sarah and Charlotte spent a quiet afternoon making sandcastles and chasing waves. It was a quiet family affair, just as they had agreed before this week reared its ugly head.

Now the sun was beginning to wane and Charlotte, exhausted from all the running, laughter and tears, was fast asleep in Sarah's arms.

Chuck could sense Sarah's madness wash away, a layer at a time, with each lap of the waves. Slowly but surely, the rigid muscles in her body eased and the storm in her eyes gave way to light.

"I'm so sorry."

Chuck stirred from his own thoughts. Sarah had been so quiet for much of the afternoon that he was surprised to finally hear her voice again.

"`bout what?" he asked, hoping she would realize there was nothing to forgive.

Sarah took a deep breath. "I never celebrated a birthday until I met you," she confessed.

Chuck looked at her, stunned. He knew her childhood had been rough, but—"I'm sorry," he blurts, and wraps his arm around her.

Sarah stared at the waves and readjusted Chuck's jacket over Charlotte's sleeping figure, stalling to collect her thoughts.

Chuck wrapped his arm around her even tighter, bracing himself for what was to come.

"Not once. It wasn't ever a priority for my father." Sarah looked down at their little girl and then back up at him. "I wanted things to be different. I wanted to give her what I never had."

"That's only natural," Chuck said. He kissed her on the brow, still able to taste the icing sugar from the morning.

Sarah sighed. "I wanted to give her something real. Where did I go wrong?"

Chuck wanted to laugh. Sometimes she could be so absurd. "You didn't. You did everything right. No one could look at you and say you didn't do everything in your power to make sure of that."

Sarah was not so convinced. As if suddenly awakening from a week-long sleep, she reviewed every action ever taken with a critical eye. "I ruined my daughter's birthday!" she lamented, guilt etched so vividly into her features. "How could I have thought she would like clowns? I should know better—I'm her mother."

Chuck couldn't help himself. He shook his head, laughing quietly so Charlotte wouldn't wake. "Sarah, she's not going to remember. We can make up whatever we want." He kissed her as a last resort, trying in vain to remind her how none of it mattered. Not when they were together. Not when they've already been given so much. "Stop being so hard on yourself. She had fun today."

Sarah threw him a dubious look.

"She did," Chuck insisted. "Right up until the part with the clowns."

"It was too much for a baby," she said, her voice full of defeat. "Ellie was right, we should have just given her some play-doh and taken her to the park."

Chuck smiled. "Then that's what we'll tell her," he said, simple as that. "Come on, Sarah, I promise you that she won't remember any of it by tomorrow. I can almost guarantee you we haven't traumatized her to the extent our parents did us."

Sarah narrowed her eyes. "Thanks, Chuck," she deadpanned. "That's very comforting."

Chuck tousled their little girl's hair, making the curls even wilder than before if it was even possible.

"Although..." he added, trying to hide the tease from entering his voice. "She might remember having to eat birthday cake for breakfast for the next five years."

Sarah smiled and it was the smile that he'd waited all day to see. Saying nothing was enough when she leaned into him, bringing the three of them closer together.

They fell into a perfect silence, and Chuck felt as if he would do a great injustice by speaking. But in the end, he felt he had to let her know, because all day she'd been speaking as if it wasn't.

"This _is_ real." He waited for her to say something but she didn't. "You know that, right?"

Sarah smiled. When she buried her face against his neck, he could feel her even breaths warm as a ray of sunshine against his skin. "Yeah," she murmured softly, almost like a confession. "I know."

* * *

_Chuck calls and says he's in the neighbourhood. It's a lie and a bad one at that because he still wears his watch and they both know he's at his sister's. She doesn't contradict him though. She'll take any excuse to see him. _

"_Come over then." _

_.  
_

_He must have driven like a madman because he makes it to her place in only half the time and for a second she thinks the GPS is broken. _

"_Sorry it took so long," he says, gasping for air. He blames it on a phone emergency from Morgan, which only makes Sarah smile. He rambles to hide his nervousness, until she can take it no longer and silences him with a kiss. _

_She yanks him across the threshold by the collar, the second time in two days, and slams the door shut. Backing him up against the hard wooden surface, she feels herself melt into him as he wraps his arms around her. _

_Sarah tries to get him to take control, to stop treating her like porcelain and just do to her what he's always wanted but Chuck, always leaning on the side of caution, pulls away before it gets anywhere. _

_The separation fills her with disappointment but she has only herself to blame. She knows he still thinks her confession was a lapse in judgement, that one day she'll pull the rug out from under him. _

_The realization fills her with even more melancholy. _

"_What's wrong?" he asks, rubbing her shoulders. _

_She shakes her head and puts on a smile. None of it mattered, not now anyway when he's standing in front of her and they'd found common ground amidst some very blurry lines. _

_Chuck tilts his head. He grabs her hand and the first thing she notices is how wet it feels._

"_So?" He looks at her with eyes nearly brimming with anticipation. _

"_So..." she murmurs, refusing to take the bait. _

"_So...is your father going to stay with you...or should I fluff out the cushions on my couch?" He gives her a patented smile, which only makes it worse. _

"_Chuck." She walks back to the bed and sits down, waiting for him to do the same. All the while she's torn between scolding him fiercely for being such a "schnook" and smothering him in kisses for being the annoyingly honourable man he has the terrible habit of being. _

"_Nice try, but no dice," she says. A part of her is still angry that he's meddled in what was clearly not his business, but that's what boyfriends do, isn't it? They take care of you. They take care of family. _

_Chuck's expression falls. "He's willing to change this time." _

_Sarah wants to scoff. There's no doubt in her mind which of the two had been an easier target for her father. "No," she states. "He won't." _

"_People can surprise you," he persisted. _

_Sarah stares at Chuck, sincerely wishing she could believe his words. "I know you went to see my father this afternoon. What did you say to him?" _

_He shrugs in a painfully non-nonchalant way. "Nothing. We just chatted. Just two guys...in prison...you know..." _

"_No. I don't know," she said. She takes his hand and feels strengthened by his grip. _

"_He wants to change, Sarah," he said, looking at her with a look of conviction her father could never convey. _

"_Chuck." Sarah leans her head against his shoulder. "You're interpreting good intentions to him because you're a good person." _

_He laid his head down to rest atop hers and it suddenly struck Sarah how rare it was to find someone with the perfect shoulder to rest against. _

"_Trust me on this one." _

_Sarah doesn't want to; she wouldn't trust anyone if she could help it and it's only then she realizes the influence Chuck's had over her. _

_She may not trust her father but she trusted Chuck in a 'no questions asked, no strings attached, if he said so then it had to be so' sort of way. _

_The realization is frightening. _

Better watch out, Sarah, one day you might actually turn into a real girl.

"_Thank you," she whispered, so softly she wasn't sure he heard. _

"_Hmm?" he murmured, nudging her hand. "What for? My plan sort of backfired." _

_Sarah smiled even though she knew Chuck couldn't see. "Thank you...for giving me the faith I needed to believe in people again." _

_Chuck shifted away from his resting spot, a crooked smile on his face. "Are you sure it's not a curse?" _

_Sarah leaned closer to make up for the gap between them. "No, Chuck, it's a gift," she confirmed as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in until they were nose to nose, eye to eye and lip to lip. He smiles back at her and when they kiss, it's utterly, painfully normal. There's no rush, no danger, and no one is watching. _

_Sarah closes her eyes and the moment has never felt so real as it did then. Even the intangible nature of love was nearly palpable when she surrendered herself over to him._

"_The best kind of gift," she breathes. Catching his gaze, she stares meaningfully into his eyes."Better than a double-chocolate cupcake." _

_He doesn't understand at first. But then he senses that she means more than words alone and pulls away to replay the exchange. She waits for it to hit him. Watches for the glint of recognition to light in his eyes. _

_Finally he grabs her by the shoulders, staring at her as if afraid to believe it. As if he's misunderstood. _

"_Really?" he whispers, afraid to say it any louder. _

_She nods once and doesn't offer anything more. Her father is right; it's just a date, but the day has never felt more real to her. _

_Chuck's nearly giddy with joy when he kisses her, throwing caution to the wind as his lips collide with hers. _

_Sarah still doesn't understand the significance of just one day out of three hundred and sixty-four others but if she could make him feel as happy as he made her, in so little words, then this had to be it. _

_He deserved to have this. He made it mean something, made it into something real. _

"_Thank you!" he gasps, breaking momentarily from her. It perplexes her. She's never seen him so happy not even—no, never. His entire face is alight with joy. "This is the best early Christmas present ever." _

_Sarah laughs as they fall back against the bed. She feels as if a weight has been lifted off her shoulders and even though she knew it wasn't the truth, it was for them and that's all that mattered. _

"_Hey, Sarah?" he whispers as he nuzzles his lips against her neck. _

_Sarah settles against him, content to lie like this forever. "What?" she whispers back. _

_Chuck smiles. "Happy birthday." _

_

* * *

_

.

_I don't know if anyone's noticed but i broke a rule. It's both chuck and sarah's POV in this story. _

_Next chapter is...Sarah vs the Affair. Who's it going to be?? =)  
_


	10. Sarah vs the affair

_A/N: I hope this can make up for all the depressing rumors revolving around our favorite show or at least be a band-aid.  
_

_Check out my profile for the timeline (read chpt 2 for kicks afterwards if you're looking for some continuation).  
_

_Also, i can't believe how many of you encouraged me to become an insomniac!_

_

* * *

_Chapter 10: Sarah vs the Affair

_Sarah raps her knuckles rapidly against the door. Waiting for the answer, she takes a step back and holds her breath, praying for a miracle. Prays that somehow they might have the night to themselves; no dodging around or sneaking kisses under covers and behind closed doors. No more making lies and excuses to friends and family. Just them. Just something normal. _

_Then the door opens and all it takes is the sight of sleek brown hair and shaded eyes to make her realize she's just being naive. _

"_Sarah," Carmen greets, her annoyance thinly veiled behind a polite smile. She grips onto the door tight enough to make her knuckles pop. "What's going on?"_

_Sarah bristles at the question. She hates it when the woman does that; burrows herself right under her skin by using a seemingly innocuous question to drive her crazy. _

"_Uh..." She hates that she has to even explain herself. Like what she's doing is wrong. "Is Chuck in?" she asks instead. _

_Carmen frowns. She keeps the door just barely ajar and had Sarah not stuck her foot across the threshold, there's a good chance they wouldn't be having this conversation right now. "Do you have any idea what time it is?" _

"_Chuck had to work on the game with Morgan. He told me he'd be coming back late." Sarah tries to summon the strength to plaster on a fake smile but it's too hard. Why does she have to explain herself at all? She was supposed to be the senior agent. She was supposed to be asking all the questions. _

_Carmen is unimpressed with the excuses. "Do you have any idea what people will think when they see you coming up here every night dressed like that?" _

"_What? This?" Sarah looks down at herself. She has on a mid-length trenchcoat but the nightgown underneath barely peeks through. She had to admit that from the waist down there wasn't a lot to be left to the imagination. _

_Sarah smiles despite herself. "This is exactly what a girlfriend would wear to seduce her boyfriend." She pushes her way inside before Carmen could protest. _

_The woman falters and takes a step back to accommodate her. There's no sense in making a scene outside but once the door was closed behind them, the niceties were dropped. _

"_Might I remind you that _I_ am Chuck's girlfriend!" Carmen huffs. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't make my job so damn difficult." _

_Sarah snaps her head around and glares. Carmen likes to push buttons, she knows, but the agent ought to know she's prodding a bear in a poorly enclosed cage._

"_I know it can be hard," Sarah says through gritted teeth. "But try not to forget that you are only his _pretend_ girlfriend. I'd appreciate it if you didn't make my life so damn difficult." _

_Carmen stares at her, the veins in her neck threatening to pop as she sized up her adversary. _

_Sarah wondered why it was always this way. She hated to think it was because they were both like-minded alphas struggling for dominance but by Ockham's razor, the easiest answer was the most likely. _

God._ Was she really like Carmen? How did Chuck put up with her? Did that mean he could fall for her too—_

_She stopped herself before her imagination ran wild. They were not nothing alike. End of discussion. _

"_This is extremely inconvenient." Sarah smirked. What Carmen meant to say was: _you're _extremely inconvenient. _

"_Well, you insisted on these arrangements," Sarah reminded. _

"_No. The arrangement was that Chuck and I live together so I could keep an eye on him—" _

"_Yeah...as roommates."_

"_No. As a couple." _

_Sarah grits her teeth. She wondered if Carmen sincerely felt something for Chuck or if she simply insisted on being a royal pain. _

"_I'm sorry, Carmen, you'll have to step out of your fantasy and return to what we call the real world. Chuck already has a girlfriend and it's not you." _

_Carmen's face flushed red with anger. "I am just trying to do my job and you come in here dressed like some prostitute—" _

"_Excuse me?" Sarah couldn't help but raise her voice. She'd taken a lot of abuse from this woman but she had to draw the line somewhere. _

"_Do you have any idea what the neighbours think with you visiting dressed like that?" _

"_I don't think the neighbours give a damn—" _

"_Because we're supposed to keep a low profile and you coming over every night—" _

"_Should I bring Casey over to keep you company? Would that help?" Sarah snarled. She didn't care if the neighbours heard. Let them. Let the whole building hear how dysfunctional her love life was. _

"_You know I think there's only one way to settle this," Carmen declared, licking her lips. Sarah knew that look. The glint in her eyes. She smiled. This was one challenge she couldn't back down from. _

_She flexed her knuckles. It had been awhile but she was sure this wouldn't be too difficult. She'd been waiting a long time for this. _

"_Outside?" she ventured with an arch of her brows. _

_Carmen smiled in agreement. She looked just as eager as Sarah. _

"_No! No one's going outside!" There was a sudden rush of footsteps and before either of them had time to react, Chuck was in the living room clad only in a towel, hair still dripping from the shower. _

_Both women broke from their staring contest only long enough to notice Chuck's sudden appearance and state of near undress. _

"_Mind your own business, Chuck," Carmen snapped, refusing to back down. _

_Sarah smirked. "Don't worry, Chuck, it'll be over before you know it." She stared at the brunette. "We'll be gone five minutes tops." _

"_No! There will be no going outside. No one's going anywhere," he stressed. No one pays him any mind though, not until he grabs Sarah's hand and begins to drag her away. _

_She tries to dig her heels into the floor but Chuck's surprisingly strong when he puts his mind to it and she has no choice but to hope for a rain check. _

_._

_Chuck locks the door behind them and gives a sigh of relief once they are in the safety of his bedroom. It's the only safe place they have. _

"_That was close," he said as he turned his back to slip on a robe. Sarah was slightly disappointed by the change in view but if things went according to plan..._well_, she smiled slyly to herself as she considered her options. _

"_I had the situation under control," she said with an arch of her brows. _

_Chuck laughed nervously. "That's precisely what I was afraid of." When he kissed her, she could sense the unease she'd caused him. The kiss was short and under par with what she was used to, like he was distracted with more pressing matters. _

"_Hey..." She pulled away to look at him. "Don't worry; you know how Carmen and I butt heads." _

_Chuck smiled but the smile failed to reach his eyes. He was ice cold to the touch and even though little more than a few flimsy pieces of fabric separated them, the mood was all wrong. _

_Sarah wanted to pound her fists against the wall. Why did everything always have to be so hard? Couldn't anything ever go their way? _

_As if reading her mind, Chuck apologized. He looked so crestfallen when he said it that Sarah didn't know how to respond. The expression he wore wounded her to the very core. _

"_What do you mean?" she asked, shaking him so he'd look at her instead of down at his feet. She'd never been good at this, this was Chuck's thing but she had to try. _

"_I'm sorry," he repeated. "This is all my fault." _

_His words, spoken with such defeat, sent shivers down her back. "What is?" she pressed, brows furrowing in confusion. _

_He glanced briefly at her with those sad brown eyes and sighed. "Everything." _

"_Chuck" Sarah knew it. Why did he always take responsibility for things beyond his control, always behave like such a..._

A perfect gentleman?

"_If I hadn't trusted Jill again, if I hadn't let her convince me to get rid of the Intersect—" _

"_If I hadn't left—" she reminded, bringing up the memory despite how much it pained her. But he had to know, had to understand that she was just as guilty. _

"_If I had followed orders—" _

"_Chuck!" she nearly screamed. Sometimes he could be so dense. "Finish that thought and I will guarantee it will be your last!" _

_She knew she'd gotten her message across when he clamped down on his tongue and ever so subtly shrank against the door. He knew she'd never hurt him but he'd seen her do some things she'd rather he didn't. _

"_I don't know what's gotten into you but you'd better stop it. You have nothing to be sorry for. You've done nothing wrong." He didn't look so convinced. _

You've never been anything short of everything I've ever wanted and needed.

_But Sarah couldn't say the words. Instead, she uttered the only thing she could think of. "Please?" _

_She looked helplessly at him and wondered how this evening had turned so awry. All she'd asked for was a quiet evening, not even anything special. She was willing to stay over in the over-cluttered bedroom, in the bed barely big enough for two. She was even willing to put up with Carmen lurking around in the kitchen. And now here they were, so far from where she'd imagined she didn't know how to get back. _

"_Please..." she begged, completely out of words. She tousled his hair, the locks still damp from the shower, hoping to coax a sliver of a smile from him. "Please...Chuck." _

_Chuck smiled for her but not without reluctance. "I can't help but feel..." His words drifted off as he tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. _

"_Feel?" she asked, waiting for him to continue. His touch lingered, his fingertips blazing a trail from her jaw down to her lips. It wasn't something he consciously put his mind to, but she was all too entirely aware of the light-weight sensation gliding along her skin. _

_Sarah was torn between snapping out of this trance and demanding a straight answer or falling ever deeper under his gaze. Things were finally looking like they might..._

_Chuck caught himself and cleared his throat, the noise so loud and abrupt that it made Sarah reel as if she'd been thrown backwards. The distance between them grew and the disappointment began to set in again. _

"_Sarah, be honest with me." He held her hand and the moisture collected between them only added to her unease. She swallowed nervously, unsure how to prepare herself for what was to come. She never knew what to expect from him sometimes. "Do you ever have regrets?" _

_Sarah hesitated. "Yes?" she ventured quietly. Of course she did, but she didn't like where this was going. She felt like if she admitted to hating olives he'd conclude that she hated all vegetables. _

_Chuck stared at her, long and steadfast, as if he were trying to hear all the words unspoken, the thoughts she hid from him. _

"_Do you ever regret coming back?" _

* * *

Sarah waits all afternoon by the door. It's pathetic and she knows it. Her ears are perked like a guard dog and she doesn't stray far from the front hall for fear she'll miss him.

But as the clock hand reaches six approaching seven, she realizes she may as well be holding out for a miracle.

The first few times she brushed off as forgetfulness, work, traffic, anything that would avoid pointing the blameful finger at something far more serious or sinister.

She keeps making excuses for him; for them, until his absence becomes the norm and the odd days when he returns on time for dinner becomes something that makes Sarah feel she ought to celebrate.

Standing in the new kitchen of their new home, she'd never felt quite so alone. Maybe this had been too much. Maybe it was finally starting to sink in for him. Maybe he realized what a mistake all this was.

Did he regret his impromptu proposal?

Did he regret moving out of his sisters to be with her? _Trapped _with her?

She gulped as she looked down at the engagement ring resting around her finger. She'd grown so used to having it there; even the thought of removing it made her nauseous.

And he didn't even know about all the other things. The little white lies she'd told him about her job at the bank, their shared past, about Bryce or Jill or—_oh god_. Her father.

Sarah groaned. She'd been working towards all of that but with things the way they were, she didn't want to say anything that would put him over the edge.

Because she already had enough flaws as it were without the ones hidden in the closet. Her terrible cooking, her inability to sit through any computer jargon for longer than five minutes without blanking out, her awkwardness with children, her over-aggressive driving, her pathological distrust of strangers...the list was endless. She still couldn't understand how Chuck could love her knowing what a mess she was, but it seemed now he'd finally come to his senses.

Dinner sits untouched on the stove. She's cleaned up the mess on the counters so he'll never guess just how long its taken her to make such a simple offering and she wishes for the millionth time she could be more domestic. Read: _Normal. _

Sarah contemplates calling him on his cell. She worries about him but she knows it will only make her look paranoid.

She is though. Because when she worries, her mind instantly jumps to the worst possible scenario and after so many years doing what she did, the worst is really the very worst.

.

The hours pass. The sun sets. Dinner grows cold. Sarah sits alone in the dark until finally, just when she's nearly given up all hope, the key turns in the door and he walks in, head bowed low. When he flicks on the hall switch, Sarah feels as if he's flicked on the light in her heart.

She braces herself as she peeks around the corner at the front hall. He looks exhausted.

For a second her heart jumps in her throat and she wants to rush into his arms and examine every inch of him to make sure he's okay.

"Chuck?" she asks, as if unsure whether or not it was really him.

His hair is mussed, his tie hangs undone around his neck and his shirt's missing a button. If it were anyone else but Chuck, she would have jumped to the obvious conclusion and felt justified by it.

But this is Chuck, and she thinks she knows him better than that, or at least _knew_ the person he used to be.

"Chuck...what happened?" she asks, fighting the urge to hover.

He looks at her, light hardly entering those leaden eyes. 'What do you mean?" His voice is so emotionless and devoid of life, it's not like him at all. "I told you I'd be working late."

_Did he?_ Sarah couldn't remember anymore. "Yeah. You've been doing a lot of that lately."

He doesn't respond to her accusation and Sarah guiltily sneaks a glance from the corner of her eye. It's not like him to miss the subtleties in her tone or did he simply not care anymore?

Sarah watched as he shrugged off his jacket and threw his briefcase onto the couch, brushing past her without so much as a touch on the shoulder or kiss on the cheek. Like a stray kicked to the curb, his obliviousness was as painful as any blatant rejection.

She wasn't used to this. She had become so accustomed to being chased after that she was at a loss for how to go about it the other way. She'd never had to question Chuck's feelings for her but since the surgery; she felt like she'd lost the one sure thing in her life.

As she watched him head wordlessly for the bedroom, she realized just how much she'd taken for granted. Suddenly she wished he'd never agreed to the operation. Yes, the general had been a pain, Carmen had been a trial, and losing favour with his family had been disappointing but no matter how hard things had been, they had always had each other.

She could do without the quiet job, the new home, the two cars and manicured front lawn. She wanted Chuck, _her_ Chuck. The man who'd come home every night for dinner, who looked at her with nothing short of adoration, and who'd never leave a doubt in her mind how he felt about her...

That man no longer existed. The thought felt like barbed wire being dragged through Sarah's heart.

She knew that. She'd known that since the very beginning, but it was hard to accept when _he_ was still here. She no longer knew if she was in love with him or with a memory.

The ache in Sarah's heart only intensified.

"Chuck" she ventured before he reached the bedroom door.

He stopped and sighed. "What?" he asked.

Sarah licked her lips nervously. She wished he would smile, or say something, anything—computers, video games, a paint color for the office—anything at all that would put her worries at ease and reassure her that everything was fine.

She was usually so straightforward in everything she did but what followed was a pitiful semblance of the person she once was.

"Did you want me to heat up some dinner for you?"

Chuck shook his head. "It's okay. I'm not hungry."

Sarah fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. "I know I'm not the best cook but it's not _that_ bad, is it?"

It was meant to be a joke but he doesn't laugh.

"No," he replied, before turning towards the door again. "I'm tired, Sarah. I'm going to call it a night."

Sarah nods slowly, trying to compose herself but deep down she was a mess. She was losing him, little by little, like grains of sand through the cracks between her fingers.

"Chuck!" she exclaims just before he disappeared into the darkness. Her voice is rife with desperation and finally the man seems to show some sign of life in his otherwise expressionless state.

His brows arch as he stares past her. "Yeah?"

Sarah walks towards him and when she cups her hands against his face, she's reminded of just how long it's been since he's held her.

"Be honest with me..." she implored. "Tell me what's wrong."

Chuck shrugs but she knows him too well to believe the act. "Nothing. I'm just tired," he says. It's the oldest excuse in the book.

Then to make matters worse, he offers her a fleetingly brief kiss on the forehead.

It's like feeding a bread crumb to the starving poor and Sarah wishes he wouldn't kiss her at all if he was going to do that; it would remind her less of what she's lost.

"Chuck..." she begged softly. She'd never been good at this, talking was Chuck's thing, he had a habit of talking too much, and now he wasn't saying anything at all. "Please...Chuck."

He stared through her. "I don't know what you want me to say," he said.

_The truth._

She gazed up at him and even though she was pressed against him, she'd never felt further away.

"I can't help but feel..." She stopped herself, unable to go on. It was just too hard.

"Feel?" he prompted, the first time he's taken an interest in the conversation.

_It's me, isn't it?_

She stared into his eyes, trying to find the man she knew so well. He was no longer her Chuck but she loved him just as much, just as fiercely; nothing could change that. The only thing that had changed was how he felt about her.

_It is. It has to be. _

Sarah felt herself slowly unravel.

"I can't help but feel like..."

Like...y_ou've grown tired of us,_

_...fallen out of love, _

_......want out before the wedding, _

_.........want out of here, _

_............away from me. _

Sarah felt tears burn her vision. All the better, she didn't have to face him and the impending end. "Do you regret staying with me?"

* * *

_Sarah doesn't check her voice. "What's wrong with you?" she shouts, so loudly it causes Chuck to stumble backwards. The neighbours _definitely_ heard that. _

_She doesn't even try to rationalize why he's asking. It wasn't worth her consideration. It made her angry that after all this he still questioned her commitment. _

_Yes, so she'd bolted once, but she was here now and here forever. _

_Couldn't he see that? Couldn't he see how deeply and irrevocably he'd changed her? _

_Chuck held up his hands defensively. "Hear me out!" _

_Sarah chewed on her lips. She crossed her arms and took a deep breath, struggling just to keep from throwing something at him._

"_Please, Sarah," he begged. "Hear me out." _

_She didn't want to. She knew he'd only start on the self-destructive path, take blame that wasn't his to bear, apologize for wrongs he'd never committed—_

"_Look at what they've got you doing. Can you honestly say you enjoy the paperwork? If you'd stayed with Bryce..." Chuck struggled to finish the sentence. He didn't want to go there but by stumbling he had. _

"_It's not half as glamorous as you make it sound," she said. "I've got a lot of regrets but coming back isn't one of them." _

_Before she could get out all the words that have left her tongue-tied all these weeks—how grateful she was to have him in her life, how lost and alone she'd been without him, how she l-lov—there was a sharp knock at the door. _

_The moment went up in smoke and Sarah sighed as she noted another missed opportunity. At this rate she should count her blessings; fate seemed bent on making their time together as limited as possible. _

_Without waiting for a response the door bursts open. Carmen hardly spared Sarah a glance as she grabbed Chuck's wrist. _

"_Come on, we're about to be briefed." _

_Sarah glared at her. Did she fail her class on non-verbal communication? _

"_We're in the middle of something here," she informed, taking Chuck's other wrist and pulling him back to her side. _

_Carmen rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well I think the safety of the United States of America and its citizens trumps whatever you two have planned." _

_Sarah clenched her jaw until it hurt. _And what if it didn't?

"_Come on, Chuck," Carmen said, pulling on his wrist again. _

_Chuck's eyes darted back and forth between the two women, looking for a bloodless way out of this tug of war. There wasn't one. Didn't he know he was pitted between two women completely used to having their way? _

_Sarah sighed. "Let's go and get this over with." She dropped his wrist, making the decision for him. From the corner of her eye, she could see the look of triumph on Carmen's face. It nearly made her reconsider if not for Chuck. _

_The man offered a grateful smile, a silent thank-you for playing nice. He took her hand in his and headed for the door but Carmen had other plans. She blocked the exit and pushed Sarah back, taking her place at Chuck's side. _

"_What do you think you're doing?" the brunette asked. _

"_I could ask you the same," Sarah snapped, resentment flooding back so quickly it nearly displaced all her concerns for Chuck. _

"_We're about to be briefed," Carmen said. "And you're going to sit tight until we're done." _

_Chuck looked like he was about to protest but what was there to do? _

"_You're not part of the team," Carmen reminded, chanting it like some bully in the schoolyard. Sarah wanted nothing more than to slap that smug grin off of her face. "Come on, Chuck." _

_Chuck looked at Sarah, at a loss for what to do. He shot her an apologetic look and kissed her fleetingly in front of the other woman. _

"_I'll be back soon," he whispered. _

_Sarah sighed. There were so many things she wanted to say to him but all she could say was:"I know." _

_She sank down onto his bed, the mattress sagging with her in dejection as she watched him leave with _her_. _

_How could he ask if she regretted returning? _

_If there was one thing in her life she regretted, it was leaving when Chuck needed her most. Now the agency didn't trust her or Chuck. She couldn't even spend an evening alone with her boyfriend without being interrupted by matters of national security or otherwise. _

_Worse, she'd accomplished the impossible and cast a shadow of doubt over a man who by nature trusted everyone and everything. _

_He could deny it all he wanted but she saw the hurt in his eyes when he wasn't aware, the way his grip tightened every time they had to say goodbye. _

_This was her punishment. _

_This was what she deserved for being such a coward. _

_And chuck had the audacity to apologize? _

_Sarah sighed. Sometimes she didn't know if she was with an idiot or a saint. _

* * *

Chuck blinks. He waits for her to say more but when she doesn't, he speaks as if waking from a daze.

"Wh-wha-what?"

Sarah doesn't want to repeat herself. It was painful enough the first time.

"Admit it. It's the truth."

"Wh-what?" Chuck repeats, sputtering on the same word over and over again. His hands rush to wipe away her tears but she swipes them away, intent on preserving the last shreds of her dignity.

"Just admit it!"

Chuck flinches at her outburst. The panic on his face is the most emotion she's seen him display all week. "No!" He shakes his head furtively. "What are you talking about?"

Sarah stares at him and wonders if she has to go through every shred of evidence in order for him to confess.

"You come home late, miss dinner, don't say a word to me and just head off to bed? You're gone at the crack of dawn. I don't get a single call from you all day. We haven't made love in—" Sarah flushed with anger and embarrassment. Not that she was counting or anything.

"I told you, I'm tired!" Chuck rubbed his eyes blearily as if to prove a point. Sarah had to admit they looked pretty bloodshot.

"Too tired to kiss your fiancée good night? Good morning?" She raised herself onto her tiptoes, pressing him for an answer.

He kissed her immediately, as if on cue, and it was the kind of kiss that she remembered best, the kind she'd missed so dearly.

"Good night," he whispered as he kissed her again. "Good morning." Another kiss. "Hello. I love you. I've missed you." He began to pepper her with kisses, trailing from her lips to her jaw line down to the soft part of her throat.

Sarah stopped him before she forgot what they'd been arguing about. "Chuck," she begged as she pushed him gently away. It was the last thing she wanted to do but this had gone on long enough. "Please. Tell me."

Chuck sighed.

"Don't say 'nothing'!" she threatened. "I know you better than you do. Tell me." In a gentler tone, she added: "Please."

Chuck squirms uncomfortably in his place. "I did something." For the first time he looks genuinely concerned, guilty even. "Something you might never forgive."

Sarah stared at him, dread saturating all her senses. She realized she really didn't know this Chuck at all. That she'd expected too much from him even though she told herself she wouldn't.

"Please don't hate me," he implored, pressing his palms together in a silent prayer.

She responded without thinking. "It's okay," she soothed. It wasn't, but her first instinct didn't concern herself.

_How could I ever hate you?_ she wanted to ask, as she contemplated the strength of her resolve. Could she take his betrayal? Was her love strong enough for the both of them?

"Just say it, Chuck," she begged, because every second he left her to guess was torture. "Please just tell me."

Chuck chewed his lips to shreds and his face turned so red it looked as if she were trying to strangle an answer from him.

"I'm so sorry. I never meant—"

"Chuck!" she screamed.

"Lichtenstein!" he cried, blurting out the word so hard and forcibly it sounded like a bad cough.

Sarah flinched pre-emptively, only to realize it was for nothing. "What?"

Chuck's face was so flushed he looked on the verge of turning blue with mental strangulation. "We needed some money for the game and Morgan met this guy who said he could help us. All we needed to do was give him a deposit..." Without having to hear the rest, Sarah already knew where this was going.

"Oh my God..." she uttered. The look of shock on her face wasn't for anything Chuck had done, but he read the expression as he saw it.

His face twisted with guilt. "Morgan didn't have any so I lent him some..." He stared down at his feet, too timid to look her in the eye. "Some of _our_ money."

Sarah waited for him to say more, to get to the part where he's met some wealthy heiress and decided to leave her but the revelation never comes.

"That's it?"

Chuck looks at her bug-eyed. "What do you mean that's it? I've lost half our savings!"

The news doesn't faze her one bit. "That's all?" She rushes to tousle his hair and smothers him with kisses, trying to ease away the frown so deeply ingrained on his face. "That's what this has all been about?"

"Sarah!" he exclaims, trying to shake some sense into her. "We're never getting that money back. The investment was bogus. Lichtenstein was a scam—"

"You've met him?" she asked, bristling at the thought. _Of all things..._

"No." Chuck shook his head, and it may have been the redeeming point for Sarah. If _Lichtenstein _had met her Chuck and done this, then there would be a hefty price to pay. "Only Morgan. Don't worry, Sarah, I swear I'll make this up to you," he promised, holding her securely against him.

Sarah wanted to burst into tears. _Make it up to me?_ she wanted to ask. _How am I ever going to make it up to _you_?_

"It's okay. Forget the money, it doesn't matter." She hugs him tight, just so glad to know that it was all over. She felt like she'd just awakened from a terrible nightmare. "Why didn't you tell me? Do you have any idea—"

No. She wasn't going to go there.

Chuck shrugged sheepishly, looking genuinely embarrassed. "I didn't want you to worry."

"Worry?" Sarah couldn't help but suppress a laugh. The irony. "Why would you think that?"

"We've just moved into a new place. Our wedding's in May; it's not like we make that much at work and I just—I feel so—" he spluttered searching for the word. "_Stupid." _

"Oh God." Sarah collided into him, overrun with emotion. She was the stupid one. Stupid for ever thinking Chuck could be anyone but himself. He was never going to change what was in his nature and she felt like she'd failed them both by doubting.

"Chuck, you _are_ stupid." She kissed him before he could realize what she'd just said. "Do you think I give a damn about the money?"

Chuck had never looked so confused. "Does this mean you're not mad?"

"Chuck!"

"But the apartment...the wedding..." he reminded pitifully.

"It's fine," she dismissed. "I'll handle it."

He looked surprised, then worried. "By legal means?"

Sarah smiled. She kissed him playfully, feeling like she'd been given a new lease on life. "Don't worry, I'll fix this." She held his chin and brought his head down so that they met at eye level, barely a breath's distance apart from one another. "_Trust_ me."

When she said it with that tone, he had to smile and it was the kind of smile she remembered best. She felt the dim hallway brighten and fill with his warmth. He snaked his long limbs around her, ensnaring her in a hold that she had no way of wriggling free from, and she sighed contentedly into his chest.

"What did I ever do to deserve someone as amazing and forgiving as you, Sarah Walker?"

She tilted her chin up to face him. "I don't know, Chuck Bartowski. You must be a saint. How else could you survive my cooking?"

He rolled his eyes, making Sarah laugh. "Yeah, that must be it."

* * *

_Sarah sat on the end of Chuck's bed. The candles were lit, the lights were dimmed and she was wearing a negligee that ought to be sewn with gold thread for the price she paid. _

_And she was alone. _

_She sighed. One of the above did not belong with the others. _

_Trapped in Chuck's bedroom, there was nothing to occupy her mind except for thoughts of what could be occurring just a scant few meters away outside that door. _

_Carmen seemed to be trying to do her a 'favour' by speaking loudly enough for her to hear through the walls but it was a contrast to Chuck and Casey's respectfully low voices and only aggravated her all the more. _

"_Chuck sweetie, did you want me to make you some coffee?" came the sickeningly saccharine voice. _

_Sarah ground her teeth together. They were probably done speaking with the general but she wouldn't be surprised if the two of them had joined forces to make her life difficult. _

_Suddenly Sarah heard Carmen break out into a high pitched laugh. "Oh Chuck!" she teased. "Stop it!" _

_Sarah could picture it now. Her poor adorable boyfriend looking helpless and confused as Carmen flirted shamelessly with him all while in the presence of the unflappable Casey. Chuck had assured her that Carmen was only ever professional, so this excessiveness had to be for her benefit. That or Chuck was too naive to believe someone would attempt anything on a man already spoken for. _

_It did little to ease Sarah's mind to know that both were equally likely scenarios when it involved a certain well-meaning but somewhat aloof nerd. _

"_Oh Chuck! You're so sweet. You don't have to do that for me." _

_Sarah stared at the door, fighting the urge to just fling it wide open and charge down the hall. She would be satisfied for all of ten seconds and then Carmen would revel in triumph knowing that she'd gotten to her. _

But she has, hasn't she?

_As Carmen broke out in laughter again, Sarah began to wonder why Casey was allowing all this to carry on in front of him. He was probably enjoying this way too much. _

"_Gosh my shoulders are sore. Would you mind—" _

_Sarah stood up, stopping herself just a step from the door. Purposefully she turned in the opposite direction and stared at the mirror mounted above Chuck's dresser. _

_Five years ago she'd been dressed just like this, in a room just like this. _How times change_. She'd turned him down so bluntly then, down-played all the effort she'd taken as simply a part of the cover. And now she was the one being turned down, abandoned and left waiting to be picked up again. _

_Sarah stared at the photos stuck into the edge of the mirror's frame. Carmen had been against the idea and to appease her Chuck had taken a few cover photos to put in the living room but he'd insisted that his bedroom was his and not subject to government jurisdiction. _

_Sarah always felt a little better when she looked back at their old photos. Random dinner dates with Ellie and Devon, a few at the park, the beach, the one time they had a vacation together, just the two of them. Their lives hadn't been any easier then, but she looked back on them as happier times._

_She was no longer living a lie but Chuck had to, and that meant despite all her best intentions, she was no closer to the truth. _

No one to blame but yourself.

_Self-destructive. It was almost a prerequisite in her line of work. _

_Not even all the times she turned Chuck down, the times she lied, cheated, stole, killed—nothing compared to the guilt she felt, knowing how deeply she'd hurt him. _

_They were together now and she'd apologized over and over for what she'd done but her actions had spoken louder than any reassurance she could ever give him. He didn't look at her the same way anymore. There was an innocence she'd taken from him. Now, when he looked at her, it was as if he were constantly preparing himself to say goodbye, never knowing when she'd disappear from his life again. _

_Sarah wished they could go back to the way things were before, when all she saw was the light in his eyes and not the shadow of uncertainty she found herself faced with from day to day. She wanted to be the person who was strong enough to stay at his side even when every fibre of her being screamed for her to run. _

_She wanted them to be like they were in the photos, all smiles and no pain. _

But then it wouldn't be real.

_Sarah sighed. If they were really together now, why did they still have to lie to everyone else in Chuck's life? _

_As she heard another peal of laughter break out from the living room, Sarah wished for the millionth time that she could go back and do things over. Do things right. _

* * *

From her seat Sarah has the vantage point and sees him approach long before he sees her. There was something about him, and she wasn't the only one to notice it. A few patrons sneak a glance as he passes them by. He has the confident swagger of a free man.

"Hello darlin'!" He exudes charm as he kisses her on both cheeks and takes a seat across from her.

Grabbing the menu off the table, he gives it only the most casual of glances before confidently declaring, "Looks good. Let's eat!"

Sarah smiled wryly. "You look good," she admits.

He shrugged. "Well, life's pretty good when you're not in prison," he teased, winking at her. "Come on, enough about me." He checked his watch, causing it to flash in the sun. Sarah had never seen it before but it looked expensive. "Tell me what you've been up to these last few months. We've got what? Thirty minutes before you have to head back to the office?"

"My job is pretty flexible," she offered vaguely. She looked at him apologetically. "I'm sorry. I meant to visit when you first got out but it's been hectic."

He arched his brows but she didn't offer any more. Eventually he shrugged it off.

"So what have you been up to since you got out?" she asked, trying decisively to steer the conversation back on track.

He shrugged, not giving up so easily. "Not much."

Sarah smiled. She liked a challenge. "You're not still conning people are you?"

Her father looked her straight in the eye. "No, angel-hair, you've made an honest man out of me." It was the mark of a real conman to be able to pull it off with such conviction.

Sarah sighed. "I know about Morgan Grimes," she said, keeping the tone of her voice remarkably neutral.

The man's smile fell. "Oh," he said. But even caught red-handed, he didn't look too remorseful.

"Yeah," Sarah said, crossing her arms. "You're going to give that money back in full. And then you're going to apologize to that man. And then you're going to return all the money from all the other people you've conned."

He looked as if Sarah had just threatened to rob him of house and home.

"Darlin'—"

"Don't try to sweet talk out of this one. Do you want to go back to prison?"

Her father pulled a sour face. "Why do you have to say it like that? There's other options."

"No." She's hard line about it this time, there is no middle ground. "You will go back to prison. I will _personally_ make sure of it."

The man leaned back in his seat and grumped. "You're no fun, darlin'"

Sarah couldn't even be bothered to smile. The last few weeks he'd put them through had been hell on her.

"Fine, fine," he said when she didn't shed her frosty demeanour. "I'll give it all back." He didn't look too pleased with the ultimatum but he had little choice.

When their drinks arrived, he raised his glass. "To my daughter and that lucky schnook," he declared, changing the conversation to something more light-hearted.

Sarah freezes. For a second she thinks Chuck's recovered his memories but it makes no sense. Why would he be conned by someone he recognized? As if to explain, her father points to the ring on her finger.

"It is to the schnook, right?"

Sarah absent-mindedly twists the band around. "Yes, of course," she replies, hastily trying to cover her tracks.

Her father grunts. "Would have been nice if he asked for my permission first. I would have agreed. He's a good kid."

Sarah wondered if this was really the best way to tell him about Chuck's operation. She's still not sure Chuck's ready to be introduced to him.

"What's wrong? Cold feet?" Her father smiled at her. "It's okay if you're having second thoughts. Not too late." He wagged a finger at her. "Don't do something you'll just end up regretting for the rest of your life."

Sarah shook her head. "Come on," he pried. "You can't put one over your old man."

"No," she insisted. "No regrets."

His smile twisted into a lop-sided grin. "Come on, if you could go back and do things over, there's got to be something."

Sarah sighed. She definitely gets her pessimism from her father. Even after all these years with Chuck, her father's still not convinced it will last. In his eyes, nothing was forever.

Except perhaps a life sentence.

She was the same way until Chuck finally got through to her. She may not believe in forever, but she believed in 'til death and that was pretty close to.

Her father misreads her silence as an affirmation. "Ahh...see? You do have regrets."

Forced to confront her past, Sarah recalls a pattern of missed opportunities and wasted time. She cringes when she thinks back to all the years she'd thrown away; the two of them dancing around each other with all the pretenses of their covers, how she'd run off just when things were getting serious, allowing Chuck to go through with the surgery and having to start at square one....

"Darlin'?"

Sarah stirred from her thoughts. "Nothing."

He looked incredulous. "What do you mean nothing?"

"Nothing," she repeated. "If I could go back and change things, I still wouldn't change a thing. Things are good the way they are. We're happy. _I'm_ happy."

He raised his brows and gave her a strange look. It wasn't a term either of them was familiar with. Happiness usually only came in short and fleeting bursts, followed by long periods of paranoia, fear and uncertainty but lately she was getting used to having it as a permanent fixture.

Finally her father smiled approvingly. "I'm glad. No one deserves it more than you."

She's not sure what compels her but she grabs his hand and holds onto it.

"Come over for dinner tonight. I want Chuck to meet you."

He's as resistant to forming attachment as she once was. "Darlin'" he sighs. "I've already met him."

Sarah gives a half-hearted smile. "He doesn't remember you."

"I'm hurt," he deadpanned.

"I'm not joking, Dad. He has amnesia." There. She'd said it.

Her father leaned forwards in the seat, grinning wide as a Cheshire cat. "No kiddin'".

She could already see the gears turning in his head. "Don't," she warned. "Don't do anything to confuse him or scare him away."

He laughed. She knew him too well.

"He's the one, Dad." Just saying the words made it impossible to hold a frown. She was trying to maintain the somber mood but the smile on her face was ruining everything. "He's the one and unless you want some stranger to walk me down the aisle, you are going to behave."

The man grew very quiet but it wasn't enough for her. "I'm serious. I've never asked for anything my whole life. This is thirty birthday gifts and Christmas presents all wrapped in one." She held up her index finger. One thing. Just one thing.

"Please," she said. "All I'm asking is for you to _be_ my father." It's not the right words to say, but she gets the message across. He winces at little, but there's no resentment in his eyes. He knows he deserves it.

Feeling slightly sorry for her old man, Sarah eases off. "At least until the wedding?"

Her father winked at her, a smile slowly curling on his lips. She knew him way too well. "'course, darlin'."

* * *

_Sarah's lying in bed, idly flipping through one of Chuck's picture books (comic books, he calls them), having long abandoned any romantic hopes and changed into one of his t-shirts for the evening, when the door finally opens. _

_Chuck walks in sheepishly with his head held low. "Sorry," he mumbles as he shuts the door quietly behind him. "Long meeting." _

_Sarah tosses the comic aside and pulls apart the cover, making room for him. He jumps in and she's taken aback by the kind of kiss he draws her into, having given up on the evening altogether. _

_Suddenly she wishes she hadn't combed out her hair; that she'd stayed in the dress and not this unflattering old shirt, but then he pulls her close and she can't be bothered with anything other than figuring out how to get rid of the last shreds of material separating them from one another. _

_When they finally break apart, Sarah feels as if the room is spinning. Her heart beats so quickly it makes it hard for her to think. "Must have been one heck of a meeting," she teases, struggling to catch her breath. _

_Chuck rolls his eyes. "You have no idea." _

_Sarah pulls him close, drowning in the scent of him. She revels in this reversal of fortune. A weight feels like it's been lifted off of her chest and for a second she forgets all the sadness and frustration of the past few months. _

_She celebrates prematurely though, and when Chuck recalls their previous conversation, she has to act fast to stop him from ruining the moment altogether. _

"_Please don't," she begs, her voice split between a desperate moan and a hoarse whisper. She places a finger to his parted lips, swearing she would smother him in a kiss if he went any further. _

"_Please..." She meets his gaze and holds nothing back this time. She allows him read her soul as if it were his own, so he'd know what he meant to her, how deeply she regretted all of this, how she would take it all back in a second if she could. _

_Chuck blinked, and when he gazed again at her, his eyes were as warm as the rays of the sun. There's no wariness or uncertainty to the way he regards her, and he lays out his soul like an open book, putting his heart out on the line for her...again._

_Sarah felt as if they shared something through that simple look that some couples could never with all the words in the dictionary. _

"_I just need you to be sure," he said. "I don't want you to regret anything." _

_Sarah licks her lips. This was the moment she'd been waiting for; the perfect time to tell him everything. How she really felt, how sorry she was—_

Just answer the question.

_Chuck watched her carefully, waiting for her to speak. _

"_No regrets," she said. Short and simple. And that was all he needed to know, because she was never good with words anyway. _

_Chuck nodded slowly like he understood. And even though he looks like he still wants to say more, he stops himself and just rests his forehead against hers, giving in to her request for silence. _

"_Thank you," she whispered, and rewarded him with a long, attentive kiss. _Thank you. Thank you. A million times thank you.

"_Is Casey still here?" _

_Chuck leaned away from her, a look of confusion on his face. "What?" He sounded a little disturbed to hear the name of the colonel mentioned here and now of all places. "No...he went home." _

"_Good." Sarah grinned. "And Carmen?" _

_The strange look on Chuck's face only deepened."In the kitchen." _

_Sarah's grin grew wider. "Even better." _

_Now Chuck was really worried. "Why?" _

_Sarah shrugged as she manoeuvred herself so that she had him right where she wanted. "You know, Carmen seems to be taking this whole pretend girlfriend thing a little too seriously," she said as her fingers marched across Chuck's chest. She kissed him playfully, teasing him with her tongue. "And I just figured I'd let her know how it was really done." _

_Chuck's eyes widened and he gulped. "H-how?" _

_Sarah just smiled a devilish smile. Saying nothing, her hands were already slowly tugging on the ties around his robe. _

_Sometimes it was better to show than tell._

_

* * *

_

_._

_i keep breaking rules in this second set. If anyone noticed, the "then" aspect took place after LDN and not before. =P  
_

_Coming up next..._Chuck/Sarah vs Great Expectations. _Yes, it's both chuck and sarah's POV's so i'm breaking another rule. And no, it has nothing to do with the book. i'm just too lame to think of a better title.  
_

_Thanks for reading!  
_


	11. ChuckSarah vs Great Expectations

_A/N: I'm having one of those nights where i can't sleep...what's that called again? Anyways, hope you don't mind that i've posted this a little earlier than usual. It's still monday technically!  
_

_ I got two new votes on my poll this week, thanks guys! And yes, I do check it even though we've gone beyond the original 8, so please vote_! _It's one of my few sources of entertainment. Sad, isn't it? _

_If this chapter confuses you, you should check out the timeline* _

_

* * *

_Chapter 11: Chuck/Sarah vs Great Expectations

_Chuck's only ever really asked once. _

_It was late and they were both too comfortably snuggled up against one another to get up and change the channel. As luck would have it, the show they were forced to watch chronicled the lives of a couple and their ten children. _

Ten!

_If that was not horrifying enough for Sarah, the mother chose to home-school all ten of them on her own. Watching the disarray with which the family led their lives was more terrifying than watching an actual horror movie. _

_She didn't understand how that woman didn't go insane. Couldn't grasp how she could agree to more children after the first two, and wondered if she needed medication (a good dose of reality perhaps) when she revealed that she'd like more in the future. _

"_So..."_ _It was during the commercial break that he broached the question—and frankly Sarah was surprised he'd lasted as long as he did before asking. "Have you ever thought about having kids...maybe?" _

_She knew he'd thrown in the 'maybe' for her. Decisions always came so easily to him; he saw things in black and white and all she ever saw were the gradients inbetween. _

_Sarah had tried to dodge the question at first and pretend like she hadn't heard, but he must've known. Her entire body had seized up at the simple query. _

"_Someday?" he'd asked, his voice so indifferent it betrayed the true nature of his intrigue. "I'm not saying now...but I mean...have you ever thought about having..." His voice kept trailing off until eventually he left the sentence hanging and unfinished. _

_Sarah wasn't sure how to respond to the question and he was still staring at her waiting for an answer when the commercials had ended and the show was back on. _

_She could only sigh. "Chuck..." He was only asking for one but one was enough. "I-I can't. I'm not ready." She wanted to tell him all her apprehensions and reservations, but one glance at those soulful brown eyes left her hypnotized. She couldn't. She didn't want to overwhelm him with all the reasons for a 'no' when she knew that if the tables were turned and she had asked, his answer, without thought or hesitation, would have been a 'yes'. _

_Chuck squeezed her hand and turned his attention back to the show. "Okay." _

"_Okay?" she asked, scarcely able to believe she'd been let off the hook so easily. _

"_Yeah," he said without tearing his eyes from the screen. She wasn't sure if he was disappointed; if he was, he hid it well. "I just wanted to know." And then he'd promised to never bring it up again, not until she was ready. _

_._

_That had been months ago. And Chuck was good on his word. No more baby talk. _

_For the most part, at least. _

_Because never bringing up the subject again didn't mean it wasn't a nagging thought in the back of her mind. It was as if he was already at the finish line and she was still struggling to catch up. And Sarah wasn't someone who lagged behind...in anything. _

_It comes up again one Wednesday morning. Sarah's in the bookstore searching for a cookbook, preferably something with lots of step-by-step pictures and a money-back guarantee, but somehow her mind wanders from 'Cooking for Dummies' and 'Easy Recipes Fast' and just like that, she finds herself in the baby book aisle instead, reading spines with ominous titles like 'What to Expect When You're Expecting'._

_Sarah wrinkles her brows. _What besides a baby should you be expecting?

_She flips open one of the books and is greeted with image after image of bald-headed babies bearing toothless smiles. It made motherhood seem like nothing but sunshine and rainbows. _

Ha! _Sarah grins one second, then her expression falls and she immediately shuts the book. It was precisely the kind of mentality she was trying to get away from. Motherhood _was _nothing but sunshine and rainbows. _

"_Sunshine and rainbows..." she chanted under her breath. But saying it five-times-fast didn't make it any less of a lie. _

_How she envied Ellie and all her sweetness and natural instinct with children. Sarah had about as much maternal instinct as one of those hapless, vegetative pandas at the zoo. Her brief experience with fish had taught her she wasn't the ideal candidate to watch over anything, mammal or otherwise. _

_Before Sarah could chastise herself further, her cell rings. She digs through her purse and does a double-take when she sees the caller display. _

"_Ellie?" It's not like her sister-in-law to call in the middle of the day. Then again, how often did they both get the day off? _

"_Sarah!" The woman sounds out of breath. "Oh thank God! I called your office and Chuck's and Chuck's cell and your home—" _

Not a social call then...

_Standing in the brightly lit store, Sarah feels as if she's been swallowed up by a cavern of darkness. _

"_What is it? Is everything okay?" She knows she's no longer an agent when her first instinct is to defer to someone else and call the police. _

"_No, this is a disaster. I was supposed to have the day off but someone's called in sick. Devon's at work. I can't reach the sitter..." _

_Before she even finishes the list of calamities, Sarah realizes this is indeed a disaster. _

"_You want me to watch Will?" She repeats the request because she thinks Ellie's got her confused with someone else. Wouldn't a colleague of hers be a safer choice? They were doctors after all. _

"_It'll only be until five. And Will has a 'mom and tots' class at noon so you wouldn't really be alone with him for long," Ellie persuaded. _

_Sarah had to smile. Was her apprehension so obvious? _

"_Are you sure you don't want to try the sitter again?" _

_Ellie groaned a little. "Sarah, please," she begged. In the background there came a series of high-pitched howls. "I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't an emergency." _

_Sarah sighed. No, she wouldn't. And she'd try Chuck first anyway. Ellie was really at the end of her rope. _

"_Okay," she said, trying not to sound too defeated. "I'll be over in half an hour." _

_Ellie's voice was suddenly giddy with excitement. "Oh, thank you! Thank you so much! Besides..." Sarah held her breath. She already knew what the woman was about to say before she even spoke. "This is good practice for you." _

"_Always so subtle," Sarah teased lightly. _

"_Just saying..." Ellie reasoned, trying to convince her that she knew best. Because really, Ellie did know best. "It's going to be you someday." _

_Sarah didn't want to argue with her sister-in-law. A part of her wanted that life so badly it hurt, and the other rattled off all her inadequacies until she thought she'd go deaf. _

"_Yeah...someday," she replied weakly. _

* * *

"Sarah, you ready?" Chuck shouted from where he stood, just inches from the front door. The keys in his hand jingles as he twirls it impatiently round and round his finger. She's never been late for anything before so it's a surprise they're not on the road yet, especially since they've been making preparations to go for over three hours now.

"Sarah?" he shouted again when there was no answer. "Sarah?" he called, louder still, as he walked towards their bedroom.

The door bursts open before he's able to rap his knuckles against the surface and he's greeted with a near murderous glare.

"_Shh_!" she hisses and points to the sea of blankets draped over her shoulder. Somewhere hidden underneath them was their daughter, but finding her would be a bit like trying to recover buried treasure.

"She's sleeping," Sarah whispered, pacing slowly back and forth.

"Yeah. She's been sleeping for over an hour now," he said, not fooled for a second. "Come on, Sarah, we're going to be late."

Sarah looked as if they were headed for the torture chamber and not one of the finest restaurants in L.A.

"Just a minute," she pleaded, already turning her back to him.

Chuck stopped her before she could hide herself in the nursery. "Sarah, it'll be fine. She'll be in very good hands."

The woman sighed as she looked down at the sleeping infant. "Do you think they do take out?"

Chuck wanted to laugh. What a sight they would make at McDonalds, ordering while dressed in their very best.

"No. Come on, we agreed to have a night to ourselves," he reminded firmly. He wrapped his arms around the two of them but it was only after he'd peeled back the first two blankets that he found the babe fast asleep, her tiny chin wedged in the groove of Sarah's collarbone.

For a second Chuck's mesmerized by the sight of something so impossibly small and perfect. It's suddenly easy to see how three hours could pass like three seconds.

Chuck shakes his head. One of them had to be strong.

"She's sound asleep," he assured as he pried her from her mother's grip. Sarah gave way reluctantly and it felt a little like trying to release something from the jaws of a vice. "Okay. I'll put her in the carseat. You finish up and grab the bag."

He shrugged off the blankets, letting them fall to the ground one after the other, until all he had was the insubstantial weight of one tiny infant nestled in the crook of his arm.

Sarah looked appalled.

"Chuck!" she hissed, mindful of the volume of her voice but not the tone. "She needs them! She'll catch a chill if you don't!" she said as she rushed to pick up the blankets. "Babies are susceptible to the cold."

Chuck would have argued with her if she didn't look so agitated. Now she was only unspeakably adorable and he couldn't take anything she said seriously.

"She doesn't need five blankets. It's summertime in L.A.."

It was not a valid point it seemed because Sarah looked ready to attack him and smother them both in blankets.

"Fine, she can have _one_."

"Two," Sarah refuted firmly.

"_One._"

"Three."

Chuck rolled his eyes. "That's not how a negotiation works."

Sarah had blankets by the fistful and she held them right up against Chuck's face, threatening to suffocate him with one or all. "Keep talking, and it's going to be four." Her eyes sparkled with a sort of tenaciousness that made him think their daughter would end up bundled in five blankets all the same.

"Fine." Begrudgingly he took two of the five blankets Sarah offered. His wife grinned back victoriously, living proof that it was indeed how a negotiation worked.

.

After wrapping their daughter to Sarah's militant standards, they were finally on their way. Sort of.

Ellie called while Chuck was fixing the buckles on the carseat and he assured her it would only be fifteen minutes before they were over.

"No. Nothing's wrong. Sarah's just being paranoid," he said as he closed the passenger door and stepped into the driver's seat.

Ellie clicked her tongue. "Ah, told you so, little brother, but you didn't believe me. Happens to every mother," she taunted in a sing-song voice.

Chuck rolled his eyes. He really expected Sarah to be an exception to the rule but she was quite possibly much worse.

"See you in fifteen."

"Make it thirty," Ellie said with all the confidence of one year of motherhood under her belt.

"We don't need thirty," Chuck said, sticking out his tongue even though she couldn't see. "See you in fifteen."

Sarah walked out of the house shortly after, preventing the Bartowski siblings from prolonging the argument.

"We're leaving the house now. Bye!" Chuck slipped the phone back in his pocket, doing a double-take as he saw his wife approach.

She was such a sight that he had to bite down on his lips to keep from laughing. He didn't want her to get the wrong idea; she looked every bit as amazing as she'd always been to him. You could hardly tell she'd just had a baby only a month ago. No, it was the merely the look of determination with which she carried the diaper bag, using both arms to lug it the short distance from the house to the car, that amused him to no end.

"What did you include, the kitchen sink?" he asked as she ever so cautiously opened the back door of the car and slipped in.

"No," she informed testily as she secured the bag under the seat. "Just what she needs for tonight."

Chuck raised a brow. He'd seen people trek across the mountains with less.

An exasperated sigh came from the back. "Chuck! Why isn't she wearing socks?"

"Do you wear socks when you sleep?" he teased. Sarah looked less than amused as she dug through one of the dozens of compartments in the diaper bag. "She doesn't like them; if she were awake she'd tell you so."

"Well..." Sarah said as she slipped a fresh pair of what looked like knitted finger cots on their daughter's tiny feet. "They keep her feet warm and babies—"

"Are susceptible to the cold," Chuck chimed, struggling to keep a straight face.

From the rearview mirror, he could see Sarah narrow her eyes. "It's true, Chuck. Do you want Chuck to get sick?"

Chuck didn't answer for a moment; not until he realized what she really meant.

"You can't call her Chuck. I'm Chuck."

Sarah slipped into the front passenger seat and quietly locked the doors. "You're both my Chucks," she said with a tender smile. She pinched his cheeks. "And I love you both equally," she assured.

"But I'm your favourite, right?" he joked, flashing her one of his winning smile. "Don't worry, I can keep a secret," he added in a conspirative whisper.

Sarah laughed softly under her breath. "Nice try. But she's going to be called Chuck. We made a deal, remember?"

Chuck remembered. She could be stubborn to a fault but that's what he loved about her. That, and he still had another five years to change her mind before Charlotte had any memory of ever being called the same name as her father.

"Okay. Fifteen minutes..." Chuck murmured under his breath as he did a final check to make sure they had everything.

"Wait." She grabbed his hand just as he was about to pull out of the driveway.

"What now?" he teased. "Did you want to go back in and grab the sink?"

Sarah was humourless. "Could I drive?" Chuck arched a brow. It wasn't what he'd been expecting. "I'd feel better if I drove," she said.

"If you insist." Chuck put the car in 'park' and switched seats. This looked promising; they might actually make their reservation with her skill set.

But five minutes on the road, Chuck realized he'd overestimated Sarah's abilities.

"Honey, what are you doing?" he asked, leaning over to read the speedometer.

"I'm driving, what does it look like I'm doing?" she asked, happily cruising at a snail's pace.

Chuck could only shake his head. "Seriously?"

Sarah looked at him, her eyes wide with naïveté. "Is something the matter?" she asked, as if she'd always driven this way.

Chuck shook his head again. He reached into his pocket for his cell and dialled back the last person to call.

"Ellie," he greeted with a bemused sigh.

Sarah suddenly turned to him and pointed to the driver that had just (legally) changed into their lane. "Did you see that? Where does he think he is—Italy?"

Chuck only shrugged. "Yes, Ellie, make that thirty."

* * *

_When Chuck calls, he doesn't even greet her with a hello. It's nothing but laughter on the other line. _

"_Who knew you ran a babysitting service. What else are you hiding from me?" he asks, gleefully getting on her nerves. _

_For the first time in her life, she can proudly say: '_Nothing_. _Nothing at all'_, but she purses her lips instead and warns: "Charles Bartowski, you are going to be in big trouble if you don't get here within the hour."_

_He laughed again and if it didn't sound so damn loveable she would have threatened his life. _

"_I'm at Ellie's right now. Will's still sleeping so get over here fast." _

_As if afraid she'd jinxed it, Sarah checked the baby monitor. To her relief, nothing but the beautiful sound of silence filled the room. _

"_Sorry to disappoint but I'll be in a meeting until at least three." He didn't sound overly apologetic, much to her chagrin. "Ellie's called me to remind you that at twelve—" _

"_I have to take Will to a 'mom and tots' class," Sarah finished. "Yeah, I know. She's told me twice already." _

_Chuck laughed under his breath. "It's Ellie we're talking about here," he reminded. "How's this. I'll pick you guys up after my meeting." _

_It's not really a bargain. That was still five hours alone with the baby. _

You're going to make such a great mother.

_Sarah rolled her eyes. Fine. So that wasn't the most maternal thought she's ever had. _

"_Chuck, _please_?" She used _that_ voice on him, sinking to the level of damsel in distress. "Please don't leave me alone with him." _

_For a moment, she really thought he'd jeopardize his career for her. "Sarah..." he sighed, saying her name as if he were being dragged behind a car. "You know I would if I could. Don't worry, he's just a baby. How much trouble could he possibly be?" _

"_Don't jinx it!" she warned and quickly knocked on wood. The sound made Chuck laugh. "Fine," she relented. "But I better not find out that your meeting was just an excuse to play video games all afternoon." _

_There was more laughter on the other end. Even though she was frustrated, it was strangely relieving to have this argument with her husband. Even though they were arguing about a crisis that was not a matter of national security, not a matter of life and death, she still felt like her heart was racing.  
_

"_Three. Sharp. Got it?" _

"_Honey. You have nothing to worry about. You'll be fine." _

_Sarah wondered how Chuck could still have so much faith in her even after witnessing the ineptitude she displayed in the face of those floppy, squealing bundles. _

_Sarah winced. _Perfect example of your maternal instinct right there_. _

"_I have to turn off my phone during the meeting. Leave a message with Marie if you need anything." There was a pause. "This should be a piece of cake. You've defused bombs and built shelters from toothpicks and string." _

"_It was a paperclip and a roll of toilet paper," she deadpanned. _

"_Right," he said. "Don't worry, Sarah, you'll be fine. I know you will. And just think...someday Ellie may have to return the favour. Consider this a favour to yourself." _

_It was as far as he went with the suggestion before he had to go. _

_It was always this way. They joked about having babies, never as an '_if'_ but a '_when'_, like it was already a done deal. _

_And every time she left the saying uncorrected, Sarah felt a rush of guilt afterwards. She'd seen the way Chuck looked at their nephew. He tried to hide it from her but didn't he know she could read him like a book? _

_What if she was never ready? What if she made Chuck wait forever? _

_Would he be okay with that? _

* * *

The drive takes nearly forty-five minutes but Ellie doesn't look the least bit surprised when she greets them at the door.

"How's my little niece?" she cooed as she took the carseat off of Sarah's hands. Chuck could sense his wife's apprehension in the way she tensed every muscle in her body and gazed longingly at the sleeping babe—and this was Ellie of all people.

Chuck smiled to himself. He wondered what kind of reaction he'd get if he'd suggested Morgan as the babysitter tonight.

"Don't worry, Sarah, this will be a breeze," Ellie assured.

Sarah looked around the living room nervously. "Where's Devon?"

"Oh, night shift." Ellie shrugged. "Not so great for your love life but makes it a heck of a lot easier to watch the kids."

Chuck rubbed Sarah's back pre-emptively to soothe her but it wasn't going to be enough. Sarah's eyes widened in shock as she blurted out the words: "You're going to be alone?"

Ellie wrinkled her brows a little. Usually the neurotic one, she wasn't used to being outdone.

"It's okay, Sarah, I've done it before. And Charlotte won't be a problem, really." She held up her hands in her own defence. "I know I was pretty unprepared for motherhood but I'm good now. I promise."

Sarah shook her head, finally realizing how this must look. "No, no, Ellie, that's not it!" she said, hastily trying to salvage the situation. "I was more worried for your...your..."

Chuck held his breath.

"Safety."

_There it is. _

Ellie looked confused. "Um...okay?" she said, reevaluating her home. It looked the same as always. "Well, I think it's a bit too soon for me to set up the safety pen but if you insist..."

Sarah looked to Chuck for help but he wasn't so sure there was anything you could say to make things sound any better.

"Uh..." Chuck scratched his head. "You know the things you see on the news these days. Sarah and I watched a report last night about a single mother—"

_Okay, you're not making things any better._

"Okay, my point is," Chuck said hastily retracing his steps. "We're just worried about you being alone at night."

"I could stay with you, Ellie," Sarah suddenly blurted. She walked forwards with her hands outstretched, almost like she was ready to take back her daughter and make a run for it.

Ellie's eyes brightened like she finally understood. "Ah...nice try, Sarah," she said. "But no." She set the baby carrier down and walked towards the two. "This is your night and you two are already late." She pointed to the door. "Out. Now."

Sarah's eyes widened in panic. "No! Wait—" She turned to protest but both her and Chuck were being forcibly turned out of the house.

"Ellie, I haven't told you—"

Ellie spoke so rapidly that there wasn't a chance either of them could interrupt her. "It's okay, Sarah. Have a nice evening you two!" Without waiting for a response, and with a certain amount of callousness, she shut the door on them and locked it.

Sarah faced the wooden barrier, her shoulders slumping slightly. Chuck stuck his hands into his pockets, wondering if this was how the rest of the evening would be.

"It won't be _that_ bad will it?" he coaxed, rubbing her shoulders gently.

Sarah caught herself and cleared her throat. "No. Of course not."

"I promise we'll come home early," he added, hoping it would appease her.

Her features softened. "Chuck..." She grabbed his elbow and walked close to him as they crossed the courtyard together. "It's not like that. You know I haven't forgotten."

_No, of course not._ He kissed her on the forehead. "I know. And I know how hard this must be for you."

She looked relieved to be able to show her true feelings. "It's very hard..." she confessed, looking down at her empty hands. "This is the first time she's not with either of us."

Chuck smiled. "And she'll never even know it," he reminded.

It wasn't what Sarah wanted to hear. "How can you be like that?" she complained, her eyes blurring with sudden tears. "This is our baby!"

Chuck shrugged. He supposed it was in part due to the fact he had no recollection of certain aspects of their former life.

Sarah sighed as she carefully wiped her eyes, trying to avoid smudging her make-up.

"Gosh...this is so much harder than I thought it would be. I miss her already." She stopped at the fountain and stole a longing glance behind her.

"She'll be fine, I promise."

"You don't know that," she said.

He hugged her tight. "You don't either," he reminded. "Come on, Cinderella, I'll have you home by midnight."

Sarah begrudged him with a smile. Still, she walked slower than usual and stopped more than once to look around the neighbourhood.

"Doesn't it strike you as odd?" she remarked.

"What?" he asked as they walked down the street of parked cars to theirs.

Sarah nodded towards a white car parked two spaces down. "Never seen that car parked here before."

Chuck rolled his eyes. He loved his wife but really, she looked way too closely at the details. "We're close to two malls and a park."

"What about that one?" she asked, now pointing to a red truck across the road.

"Sarah," he warned. He steered her towards their car. "Come on. Relax. Not everyone is out to get us." A pause. "Just a few."

Sarah narrowed her eyes. "Ha ha," she deadpanned. "Not funny."

* * *

_Sarah got into the meeting room at a quarter past noon and instantly felt the full weight of scorn for being tardy. All conversations came to an abrupt end, and all eyes were upon her as she tried (and failed) to stealthily make her way from the gathering of mothers and their babes to the registrar's desk. _

_The silence was so profound that her heels echoed in the large, colourfully decorated playroom. It seemed almost obscene that a daycare be filled with children not making noise. _

This isn't a daycare_, she reminded herself, in Ellie's voice no less. No. This was a 'mom and tots' class. Whatever that meant. _

_At the desk, she dropped the diaper bag onto the ground causing the floor to reverberate beneath her. Again, she received a series of severe looks from the other women. _

What the heck had Ellie put in it? The kitchen sink?

_Sarah wrapped both arms around Will but even he seemed to view her ineptitude with disapproval. _

"_Dr. Woodcomb, how nice of you to join us." The receptionist was nothing like Marie. When she smiled it was so tight-lipped Sarah couldn't figure out if she was being genuine or sarcastic. _

_Sarah opened her mouth to correct her but she received such a severe look of censure that she was persuaded to pass with a lie. _

"_And who do we have here?" The receptionist's smile brightened when she looked to Will. Sarah smiled. Her nephew had that effect on others. "What a cutie!" _

_Sarah beamed with pride and momentarily forgot that she was in fact not Dr. Woodcomb. She hugged the little boy tighter, pressing her cheek to his, promising herself she'd keep him from all that was evil—including this receptionist if necessary. _

"_This is William," Sarah introduced. "I have the papers in my bag; did you want to see them?" Sarah shifted the weight in her arms, wondering how she was going to rummage through the bag and find what she needed without dropping her nephew._

"_That's fine. You've already called in the details an hour ago. Don't you remember?" The receptionist shot her another disapproving look. _

Right. Thanks, Ellie.

"_I must admit you are not what I expected," the woman said as she pulled up the file on the keyboard. "You seemed very keen on getting your son into this class. If I didn't know better I'd say you I was speaking to someone else altogether." _

_Sarah smiled a little. _

_She looked around at all the other mothers in the room and came to the very same conclusion. Everyone else was dressed as if they were vying for a 'housewife of the year' award and here she was, late, disorganized and disruptive and it wasn't even her child. _

"_But there's no denying he takes after you." _

_Sarah was taken aback by the compliment. She stared down at the boy in her arms and he stared back, almost equally perplexed. She tried to imagine Will as her very own but seeing no trace of Chuck in his pale blue eyes and translucent blond hair made it difficult to deceive herself. _

_All that was reflected by that innocent face was an image of herself and all her failings, and suddenly Sarah was awash with feelings of helplessness. _

_What was she doing here? She was supposed to be taking things easy today. This was supposed to be her day off. _

"_Alright," the receptionist said as she stood up. "So welcome to our mums and babies cognitive and physical enrichment class—or as we like to call it—the Brain Academy." _

_Sarah froze. _Ellie, what have you gotten yourself into?

"_Pardon?" she uttered, wide-eyed with confusion. _

"_Did you not read our brochure?" The woman frowned. "It's stated very clearly in our mandate. Our goal here is not merely to entertain your son. We plan to nurture him and provide him with the tools he will need in order to get ahead and stay ahead of his peers." _

_She looked down at Will, then at the receptionist. _

"_He's only just learned to sit up on his own," she said, feeling more than a little horrified. This sounded like some covert government experiment. _

"_Well yes," the receptionist dismissed. "We must start early. We can hone his motor functions with geometrically engineered tools, improve his cognitive abilities with uniquely designed visual and audio aides—"_

"_You mean playing with some wooden blocks and listening to some stories?" Sarah clutched Will closer to her chest. This was such a scam; how could Ellie, sweet and always rational Ellie, fall for this? _

_It was clearly not the right thing to say, especially not within earshot of the mothers who've already willingly and gladly paid for this. _

"_I apologize, I'm a little confused," Sarah said, trying this again. "Do you mean to say that I am paying for a class so my son can play with some blocks and listen to some music? I am paying to come all this way from home to babysit my own son?" _

Okay. Really not that much better.

_The receptionist looked like she was going to lose her mind and Will's forehead was knotted with disapproval. His lower lip trembled with the threat of imminent tears. _

"_Would you like to cancel the registration then?" The woman's tone was frosty at best. Sarah's heart lurched. Ellie was going to kill her. _

"_No! No, that's not what I meant at all." She bounced the boy gently against her hip but it seemed to make him even more irritated and irate. _

_Sarah fished desperately into her pocket for her cell phone. "Could you give me a second? I need to consult my husband." _

_She rushed out of the room seconds before Will began his practice as a future front man for a rock band. Her normal reaction to something so violent would be to get as far away as possible and she had to fight every instinct when she brought herself even closer to the source of all the screaming. _

"_Pick up! Pick up!" she begged as she pressed the phone to her ear and strained to hear through Will's cries. _

"_Hello?" _

_Sarah groaned. It was Marie, Chuck's receptionist. _

"_Hey...Marie...." Sarah said weakly as Will's angry face confronted her. Normally this was when she passed him off to someone else. _

"_Mrs. Bartowski?" the girl asked, clearly confused. "Are you alright?" _

_Sarah rested her chin atop Will's bald head, rubbing his back as she'd seen Ellie do a hundred times before. _Why wasn't this working? _She was doing exactly as the woman had done. _

"_Mrs. Bartowski?" came the voice again. _

_Sarah shook her head. "No. Please tell Chuck to call me as soon as he's out of his meeting, please," she begged urgently into the phone. _

"_Uh..." The screaming continued and she was sure the other mothers could hear through the wall. What was this incompetent woman doing here, they probably wondered. "Yeah. Okay." The girl on the other line hesitated to let the conversation end this way. "I'll do that." _

"_Okay. Yeah." Sarah clamped down on her cell and slipped it back into her pocket. "Okay, Sarah, you are a capable and confident woman." She stared at her indignant nephew. "You can do this. You've defused bombs and built shelters out of toothpick and string." The last part caused her to smile a little. "Come on, little man, what is it? Are you hungry? Tired? Hot?" _

_She rummaged through the cavernous diaper bag but everything she offered he turned down with an increasingly pitched howl._

"_Will, don't be like this," she begged, as if you could reason with an infant. "Please, tell me," she begged. She hugged him to her chest and rocked him slowly as she'd seen Ellie and Devon do to soothe him but it was just not the same. _

_Sarah was at the end of her rope when her cell rang. _

"_Sarah! Sarah, are you okay?" came the frantic voice. _

_Relief flooded her senses. "Chuck! Chuck, aren't you supposed to be in a meeting?" _

_He ignored her. "What's wrong? Are you alright?" _

"_Yeah. I'm fine." She didn't even know why she did that. They both had a habit of downplaying crises for one another. "Ellie's going to kill me. I think I've gotten Will expelled from class." _

_Chuck burst out in laughter. "I can tell! He doesn't sound very happy about it at all." _

"_Not funny!" she exclaimed and felt nearly on the verge of joining her nephew in tears. This was a disaster. "I'm alone with a baby, Chuck Bartowski. _A baby! _I'm not trained for this. Ellie's going to kill me!" _

"_Sarah, relax." It was not a suggestion but an order. _

_She took a deep breath. "I think I've broken him," she confessed in all seriousness. _

_Chuck didn't laugh. "Put Will on the phone." _

"_What?" _

"_Put him on the phone," he repeated, in a no-nonsense voice. _

"_But he can't talk yet—" She did as asked and placed the cell against her nephew's ear, completely eclipsing it with the device. _

_Sarah didn't know what Chuck was saying but Will stopped in mid howl, his eyes growing wide with wonderment. In a complete reversal of demeanour, the little boy began to smile through his tears. He laughed even though he couldn't possibly understand, leaving Sarah speechless. _

"_You love your Uncle Chuck, don't you?" she asked with a touch of melancholy. What if Will were really their son? She couldn't call her husband every time he cried. _

_No matter how much she hated facing the truth, the evidence was right in front of her. She was a failure. _

_Will looked at her curiously, as if realizing that she was aware of this obvious favouritism. _

"_It's okay," Sarah soothed. She wiped away the trails of tears on the baby's chubby cheeks. "It's okay. I love him very much too." _

* * *

By the time their main courses arrive, Chuck knows Sarah's mind is miles away, probably somewhere off near Echo Park and Casa Woodcomb. She's barely touched her plate for the last hour and even though it's just them, it feels more like the two of them and her cell phone.

"Do you want to call Ellie?" he ventured. Thus far they hadn't received any messages though that did little to ease Sarah's worries.

"Huh?" She dropped her phone guiltily back into her clutch, using the silk napkin to hide it from view. "No. No, of course not. Everything's fine." She feigned a smile but her tone seemed to sound as if she were waiting for the sky to fall.

"It's okay," he said, reaching across the table. "Go ahead."

"No," Sarah insisted and began to dig earnestly into her lukewarm pasta. "This is about us. Just us." She held up her glass and tilted it towards him.

Chuck smiled. He eyed her warily as he raised his glass to hers. "Okay. What?"

She shrugged. "What what?"

"Something's up. I just know it."

She shook her head as she took a sip, but he knew better.

"Sarah..." he warned.

She didn't keep up the ruse for long. "Fine. It's just..." She stared at him long and hard. "Why aren't you panicking? Isn't this hard for you too?"

Chuck almost felt guilty for saying 'no'. After all, they would be with their daughter again in a few short hours. "You spend more time with her. And you're her mother. It's only natural," he said, hoping the words would be enough to justify her separation anxiety.

Sarah tilted her head to one side. It was clear from her dubious expression that she didn't believe any of it for a second.

Chuck held out his hand. "Give me your phone."

Sarah flushed.

"Come on. Give it over."

She looked reluctant but eventually retrieved it from her clutch and handed it over to him. "I wasn't going to check it. I swear," she said, looking forlornly at the relinquished object.

It finally dawns upon him when he sees a picture of their daughter on the main screen that it's just as likely Sarah was looking for a visual reminder and not a message from Ellie.

He pulled out his own phone, unable to prevent the smile that crept on his face when he compared the two images. It was mind boggling to fathom that they were the same person.

Even though it had been love at first sight, every time he looked at the newborn (in the early days at least) he'd been reminded of a little, pink...well...piglet. And now, as he gazed down at his own phone background, he could proudly declare that his little girl was finally starting to look like...a little girl.

Sarah would kill him if he told her. It had been love at first sight for her too and quite possibly more than. She'd perfected the role of protector long before him after all. In consultation with Ellie, they had gazed upon the newborn only a few hours after her birth and decided with a distinct sense of conviction that she had Chuck's nose and brow and Sarah's chin and ears, though how they could tell was beyond him.

Chuck stole a glance at his poor wife, who obviously wanted nothing more than to go home. And really, it shouldn't be about dressing up or fancy dinners; tonight was supposed to be about being together and celebrating what they had...together.

"Hey, what do you say?" Chuck handed back the phone. "Let's go home."

Sarah stared blankly at him. Then her brows knitted in confusion.

"We can't," she said flatly.

"Why not?"

Sarah twisted her lip. "We're not done our dinner yet," she replied woefully. She poked at her pasta, like a child forced to sit at the table until she had finished every last crumb and morsel.

"Are you hungry?"

She shook her head.

The logic was simple. "Then let's go," Chuck said.

Sarah grabbed his hand before he could get out of his seat. "We can't. You had to book months in advance so we could come here. And we haven't had time for each other since the baby. And...and..." She was running out of excuses.

Chuck wrinkled his brows. Where was the rulebreaker he knew so well? The woman who'd barged her way into hospital rooms to find him, defied traffic laws to make a deadline, and threatened men twice her size to protect the helpless?

"Sarah. Just be honest. Do you want to go home?"

She looked ready to say 'no' but caught herself at the last minute. She looked at him as meek as a lamb as she guiltily nodded her head.

Chuck could only smile. It was a rare sight to see his wife so timid about anything.

"Then let's go."

Sarah remained glued to her seat. "Really?" she asked, as if she could hardly believe her luck. When she realized it was indeed something real, she jumped up with renewed eagerness, startling all the well-to-do dining near them.

"Admit it, Charles Bartowski, you missed our baby too."

Chuck shrugged. She didn't need to know that he'd snuck a glance or two at his own cell when she was too preoccupied.

"That's okay," Sarah said, as if she'd been the one to hold back all this time. "I miss her very much too."

* * *

_After a lengthy pep talk Sarah felt like she had finally summoned up enough courage to return to the playroom. Like an uncharacteristically timid creature, she tiptoed back in and apologized sheepishly to the receptionist. _

_The receptionist looked triumphant and offered her a seat with the other mothers. Sarah would tell Ellie exactly what she thought but only from the safety of her own home. _

_The 'guided' activity of the day was playing with wooden blocks. Sarah held Will in her lap and offered him some of the 'geometrically engineered tools' but he was as unimpressed with them as she was. _

_Sarah was more fascinated with the neuroses of the other mothers. She was really not cut out for this. One mother was sanitizing everything within her child's reach with wipes she pulled with gusto from a bin large enough to fit a small dog. Another had dressed her infant in clothing like a miniature adult, complete with the most intricately sewn miniature backpack. _

_Sarah grumped to herself. _Really. What are you going to carry in that?

_But Ellie would love it. She loved anything miniature and impractical. _

_Then Sarah met eyes with the babe sitting diagonal from her and she forgot all about the pointlessness of this class. The infant smiled toothlessly at her, the brown of his eyes as bright as if they were blue or green and she felt herself melt under his gaze. _

_She was struck by a completely irrational desire to take the child into her arms and hold him tight. She couldn't understand it, but it was undeniable. Her fingers itched to wrap themselves around his dark curls, and she wished she could pepper his chubby cheeks with kisses. _

_She was in love. _

_With a stranger's baby. _

_Sarah stirred from her thoughts only to realize she had been staring. The mother looked at her warily and clutched the boy closer to her chest. _

"_Uh..." Sarah wasn't sure what to say. "Your baby's really beautiful." She cringed a little. _

Definitely awkward.

_The woman smiled, her muscles relaxing slightly at the compliment. "Thank you. So is yours." _

"_Huh?" Sarah flushed, then looked guiltily down at the baby sitting in her lap. Of course. Her 'son'. _

"_Right. Thanks." _

_The woman looked at her strangely, her earlier suspicions confirmed by Sarah's aloofness. _

_To hide her embarrassment, Sarah tried to pay more attention to her nephew. Will was not having any of the puzzle box and preferred to gnaw on the wooden blocks instead, much to the annoyance of the table supervisor. Sarah's nonchalance at his misbehaviour most certainly added to the list of misgivings. _

"_Excuse me." Sarah felt a tap on her shoulder. "Pardon," the woman to her left said. "I was wondering if you've noticed that your son's not wearing socks." _

_Sarah wrinkled her brows as she looked down and stared at her nephew's little pink feet. All ten toes were accounted for. _

"_Oh, yes. He pulled them off and I couldn't be bothered to slip them back on." She neglected to mention that going against Will was like butting heads with a bighorn sheep. He was aptly named, after all. _

_The woman looked horrified. _

"_He's not walking anywhere anytime soon," Sarah said defensively. She wrapped a hand around them and they were warm to the touch. Will giggled and tried to squirm away. _

"_He should be wearing socks," the woman said ostensibly, as if not wearing them was the same as going naked._

_Sarah bristled. She may not know much about parenting but she didn't need advice from her. _

"_You know what babies shouldn't be wearing?" she asked, looking down at the woman's child. He was by far the oldest in the group, old being the sage age of two. That fact along with the goals of this organization disturbed her a little. "Baby leashes." _

_She stared at the harness contraption strapped to the poor child and couldn't help but feel a little indignant she was being lectured on what her nephew should wear. _

_The woman turned her nose up at her. "Snob," she grumbled, loud enough for everyone at the table to hear. Disapproving stares were thrown her away as the stranger slid her seat noisily away from her. _

_Sarah sighed as she pulled a wooden block from Will's mouth. She was never going to get the hang of this. _

* * *

Sarah's body was as tightly wound as an elastic band twisted round and round until it was on the verge of snapping. Chuck could see it in the way she walked as they made their way back to Ellie's.

He considered giving her shoulder a comforting squeeze but he was afraid even a touch as slight as that would be the cause of her undoing.

"That white car is still there..." she muttered under her breath as they walked swiftly through the courtyard. "And the red truck...and Ellie's all alone with _two_ babies..."

The more she talks the more her paranoia spreads to Chuck until he's willing to admit that it is a bit strange to see two cars parked there for so long on a Saturday night.

_What are you saying?_

Chuck shook his head. Now he was getting to be the crazy one.

Ellie greets them at the door, looking a little surprised. "Uh...you're back early..." she says, trying to make way for Sarah. She gives Ellie a distracted hug but it's obvious her mind is somewhere else. She bulldozes past the brunette and heads straight for the living room where Charlotte is still fast asleep in the carrier.

Chuck followed a little ways behind, lingering at the door. He shared a bemused smile with his sister.

"Told you so," she taunted again in her sing-song voice.

There was no denying it. Sarah had exceeded all his expectation. She was every bit as anxious and overprotective as the best of them. He watched his wife reach into the carrier and scoop Charlotte out to cradle in her arms, rocking slowly back and forth so as not to wake the infant. The tension in her body, the anxiety, the worry, it all disappeared the second the babe was safe in her arms. She looked positively tranquil when she stole a glance at her husband and smiled.

Everything was fine. Just as he'd promised.

"Thanks, Ellie," Chuck said. "It meant a lot."

Ellie shrugged. "Well I didn't do anything," she said. "She was asleep the entire time."

As Sarah placed Charlotte back into the carrier and tucked her in with one of the many multitudes of blankets she owned, Chuck retrieved the diaper bag. It weighed a great deal more than it looked.

"It's so unfair," Ellie whispered as she passed her brother. "She makes it look so easy."

They both looked to the woman in question, who was now as calm and serene as a portrait sitter, gently rocking the carseat back and forth in her arms. She looked nothing like the way Ellie had been when she became a new mom, and nothing like the woman Chuck had sat with through dinner and the car ride.

"Well, you did insist on all that extra practice for her," Chuck reminded, hoping it would make his sister feel better.

Ellie sighed. "Yeah..." she said slowly. "You're right. She learned a lot from me, didn't she?"

Chuck shared a smile with Sarah. "She learned everything from you, Ellie."

.

In the car the atmosphere was markedly calmer. Sarah allowed Chuck to drive and she didn't complain once about the (legal) speed with which they traveled at. She made no mention of any red trucks, white cars; not even a van with tinted windows parked on a dark street corner that had even struck Chuck as suspicious.

Sarah sat quietly in the passenger seat, every now and then sneaking a peek behind her to the baby in the backseat and smiling to herself.

Everything seemed to be just fine.

So Chuck was understandably confused when Sarah broke the silence with an apology of all things.

"Pardon?" he asked as he tore his eyes off the road. He was surprised to see a thin layer of tears building up in her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "I was just so paranoid, and I ruined everything."

Chuck slowed down and let the other cars pass so he could devote his attention elsewhere. "What are you talking about?" He peered carefully into the rearview mirror just to make sure the baby was still asleep. "What's wrong?"

"I'm a terrible wife!" she declared, her beautiful features breaking into a grimace. "I'm so sorry, Chuck. You tried so hard to make things perfect tonight and I ruined it all."

Chuck seriously contemplated pulling off on the side of the road. "Sarah," he said and took her hand in his, keeping the other hovered over the steering wheel. "You're a wonderful mother and a perfect wife, alright?"

"I ruined our one evening together." She crossed her arms, still clearly upset with herself.

Chuck smiled. "Cheer up, Sarah. We'll have our chance again...in another eighteen years." He watched her carefully but Sarah was reluctant to smile. "You did nothing wrong. It's natural for you to worry about your family. You'd do anything to keep us safe; it's what I love about you." He squeezed her hand. "So please don't be sorry."

"You...love that about me?" she uttered in disbelief.

He stared into her watershed blue eyes, and wondered if they would ever celebrate a milestone without one of them being in tears. "I love everything about you," he informed matter-of-factly. "I love that you would do anything for me. For Charlotte."

"For Chuck," she corrected and smiled, leaving him to wonder at the double meaning. "I love you too." She leaned over and drove her hand into his neatly subdued curls, threatening to muss them up and mold animal shapes out of them.

"Happy anniversary, Sarah," Chuck said.

Sarah stole a glance at the sleeping infant behind them before turning the gaze of adoration upon her husband. "Happy anniversary, Chuck," she whispered as she kissed him tenderly.

* * *

_Chuck comes at three, on the dot, to pick them up. It's only been three hours in the playroom but it feels more like nine. Sarah's heard everything from private preparatory schools for toddlers, specialized diets to increase a child's IQ, the arguments for and against immunization, exactly why babies must always wear socks and then some. _

_Sarah occupies herself with the waves of Will's emotions, throwing herself to his every whimper and grimace. She prefers to anyway, because even though she usually speaks her mind, her ignorance here is a dead giveaway and she keeps to herself lest they think she's kidnapped her nephew. _

Right, because any kidnapper would try to enroll their captive in this class. _It was the perfect torture. _

_The more she listens the more she realizes how unfit she is to be a mother. There are a hundred things she's never given a thought to and suddenly she has a hundred new reasons not to have children. And here she thought you just needed two people—which as one of the mothers informed in too much detail, is no longer the case. _

_She doesn't even know where to begin; the last thing she wants to do is to screw up the way her father did and when all that could be is sitting right in front of her, the fear of disappointing Chuck kills her. _

_So when he finally shows, like a knight in shining armour or in this case, a crisp grey suit, she's ready to fall into his arms and beg him to please take her away. _

"_Hello beautiful," he greets, not seeming to care that they were in public. In front of all these prim and proper women, it's enough to make Sarah blush. _

_She stands up and hands him their nephew, and the babe goes eagerly into his arms. Sarah watches the transformation from the irritable hedgehogs she's walked on eggshells to avoid provoking into the baby from the diapers ad on TV, all superfluous smiles and giggles. _

_It's completely unfair but she knows all too well the kind of charm her husband exudes. _Her_ husband, she wanted to remind, in case the women in the room seemed to have forgotten. _

"_What would I do without you?" she asked, letting out a sigh of relief now that Will was in capable hands. _

"_Well, lucky for you, you never have to find out," he said with a great big smile. _

_His words made her a little weak in the knees and she had to lean against him to steady herself. She hated it when he did that; and he knew the effect he had on her because he had the most mischievous smile on his face. _

"_You ready to go?" he asked as he kissed her chastely on the cheek._

"_Ready two hours and fifty minutes ago," she whispered back. "Let me go get my things." _

_She walks over to the coatroom to grab her jacket and the oversized diaper bag. When she steals a glance over her shoulder, Chuck's introducing himself to a flock of new fans. _

_You'd never know Will wasn't his by the way he held the boy, and the way they looked at one another was just like father and son. The look of adoration was mutual, and Sarah felt like she was doing something profoundly wrong for not having had ten of his children by now. _

_The look of joy on Chuck's face; how could she take that away from him? It was the kind of smile she wanted to see every morning of every day...forever and ever. And while she knew he'd accept her decision one way or another, she wanted to give him everything in her power to make him happy. _

_Suddenly even a thousand excuses were not enough to sway her.  
_

_She walked back over to them and snaked her arms around her husband's waist. With Will securely snuggled between them, Sarah didn't know if things could feel any more perfect. _

"_You ready?" he asked again. _

_Sarah sighed contentedly. "Ready." _

_

* * *

_

A/N: _*I didn't realize i broke a rule this week until AFTER i wrote the first draft. So yes, this week's edition contains scenes that both belong in the "Now". Sorry about that. _

_Next week's update will be entitled "Chuck vs the Choice". I'm very excited to write it because it involves characters whose names may or may not rhyme with "pill" and "pole"._

_Happy Civic Holiday!  
_


	12. Chuck vs the Choice

_A/N: Probably the longest installment yet. Thanks for all your support; it saddens me that we are nearly at the end.  
_

_Chapters 12, 13, and 14 will follow events mentioned in Chapter 7 (the not-so-favorite chapter) so take a look there if you are confused. _

_

* * *

_Chapter 12: _Chuck vs the Choice _

On Wednesdays or better dubbed "hump-days" by Morgan, the office was always noticeably unproductive. Three days out from the weekend and work at the desk was synonymous with being stuck on top of a hill. Mondays/Tuesdays could be motivated by copious amounts of caffeine and Thursdays/Fridays were a breeze once the weekend was in sight, but sad, lonely Wednesdays always left more to be desired.

To remedy the dire situation, everyone at the office worked an hour longer Mondays and Tuesdays in return for a shorter "hump-day".

Sarah did not get "hump-days", in the literal and the philosophical sense. She went about her weekdays in the usual manner and seemed no more interested in the fact that it was one day before the weekend or five.

'_Because every day is a holiday when you get to spend it with me, right?' _he'd joked in an unflappably cheesy attempt at getting her to blush.

The suggestion had given her pause, but then she'd done the unexpected and smiled—so wide and brilliantly she managed to turn the tables on him and make what ought to have been a joke into something closer to the truth.

'_Who's blushing now?' _she'd retorted, her face full of smug satisfaction.

So it was, Chuck spent his Wednesday lounging on the couch watching TV alone in the middle of a lazy afternoon when there came a knock at the door.

Two raps. Nothing strange or out of the ordinary about that.

Chuck yawned, giving his jaw an extremely satisfying stretch before standing up and padding barefoot down the hall. He opened the door, raising a brow at the noticeably handsome stranger standing in front of him.

A little strange...and as Chuck was reluctant to admit, the man was a little out of the ordinary.

"Hello. Can I help you?" Chuck asked. He wasn't one for first impressions; Sarah always reminded him that he gave people too much of the benefit of the doubt. But as he eyed the stranger carefully from head to toe, he couldn't see the man meaning him any harm.

He was dressed in a well-pressed suit, black leather shoes, and his appearances were by all accounts neatly groomed. In fact he was so carefully dressed that he looked somewhat out of place in quiet suburbia.

"Yes, hello," the man said, his voice lifting with a definite accent. He pointed at him and furrowed his thick brows in concentration. "Chu....uck...right? Chu—uck Bat—owski."

Chuck didn't appreciate the choice in syllable breaks but he didn't let on. Suddenly self-aware that he was being addressed by a stranger who knew him, Chuck straightened up a little.

"Yes. Hi. That's me," he said. Looking down at his own choice in attire, he wished he hadn't changed out of his work clothes so readily the second he got home. "Can I help you?"

The man looked at him curiously, as if at any moment Chuck would reciprocate and call out his name in broken syllables too. But try as he might, Chuck did not recall ever meeting this man.

"Okay..." the man said when he realized his original plan wasn't going to work. "I was warned this might happen." He tried to peek over Chuck's shoulder to get a better view of what was behind him. "I'm looking for Sarah. Do you know where I can find her?"

Chuck had no reason for feeling the way he did, but at the mention of his wife's name, his stomach began to perform somersaults. Was this man her friend or his?

"Sarah?" Chuck repeated. It was just his luck that Sarah happened to attract all these colossal, annoyingly handsome types.

"Yeah, Sare-rah..." the man confirmed, speaking her name with that same accented lilt. "Sarah Walker. You must remember her. You two worked together."

"Huh." Chuck still didn't know who he was speaking to but he had an idea. He was definitely one of _those_ people.

The man frowned, a look of near disappointment hovering over his features. "Is she working out of state? I was informed that you might be able to help me."

Chuck was no spy, but if he had spy-senses, all the alarm bells would be ringing. He'd already met all of Sarah's friends and this man wasn't one of them.

"I'm sorry, but I don't know you."

The man looked shocked and a little offended. "Chuck Bartowski," he intonated, taking care to properly pronounce his name. "I saved your life."

_Aw shoot. _

Chuck winced, and flashed him an apologetic look.

"We worked together," he reminded to no avail. "And Sarah too. I've had a couple run-ins with your old partner—Carmen St. Clair. She's the one who gave me this address."

Chuck gripped the door steadfast in one hand, unsure whether or not it was safe to let his guard down. The man did seem genuine in his claims.

"Uh..." Chuck hesitated, unsure what to do. Was there a cap to how rude a person could be? Would he be any more offended if Chuck closed the door on him, after already denying he knew the man who had apparently saved his life?

"I need to make a phone call; can you give me a second?"

The stranger looked surprised. "Uh. Alright?"

"I'm going to call Sarah," Chuck revealed. "Maybe she'll remember you."

The man's expression instantly brightened. An annoying handsome grin appeared on his face. "She will," he said, quite confident of the fact.

"Right..." Chuck muttered with a much more subdued level of enthusiasm. "Who should I say is calling?"

The stranger looked at him, as if giving him one last chance to redeem himself.

Chuck shrugged. He really didn't know.

"Barker," the man said. "Tell her it's Cole Barker."

* * *

_ The headache that Chuck had gone to sleep with in the hopes of remedying felt no better when he opened his eyes. The pounding, the stabbing and the insistent throbbing...it was all still there, the trifecta and mother of all headaches. _

_For a second he was so disoriented and stuffed in the head he didn't realize where he was. It was a stranger's room to be sure; the walls were completely blank and all the familiar things like his bookcase, dresser, and movie posters were missing. _

_Why was he here? _

_How did he end up here? _

_When his mind offered no answers, Chuck thought he'd really erased his memories. _

_"Have I?" he asked in alarm as he sat up in bed. The sheets spilled off the bed as he struggled to his feet. _

_—_Who am I?

_"Chuck Bartowski," he said aloud. _

Okay. One down.

_—_Where am I?

_It took him a little longer, but he knew the answer to that too. "Sarah's hotel room." _

_—_Who is Sarah?

_The answer to that took him even longer, and when it finally dawned on him, he had to pinch himself to make sure this wasn't all part of some dream. _

"_My girlfriend. Sarah is my girlfriend," he declared aloud, suddenly finding himself the beholder of one of the goofiest grins on his face. He embarrassed himself sometimes with the depths of his social ineptitude. _

_—_Why am I here?

"_Because I had a headache." ..._Because you were an idiot and tried to undergo radical surgery to remove your memories. _Chuck ran a hand through his hair, wincing as his fingers brushed against the stitches still red and tender to the touch. _

_—_Why aren't you in your own room?

"_Because I moved out of Ellie's..." _Because they want you with Carmen but haven't found a place. Because Sarah doesn't think you should be anywhere without someone's supervision.

_As bad as any flash, all the answers to questions yet unposed rushed through his mind, nearly blinding him with information overload. Carmen, his new cover-girlfriend. Sarah, his very beautiful and very real girlfriend. Casey, protector, office workmate, the grump in the monkey-suit. _

—_The headache that won't go away... _

_......Waking to find Sarah staring at him, the fear so vividly etched into her features. As if every time he slept he'd fall into another coma…_

_.........Lying to Ellie....still...about everything. _

_—The memory of the morning comes to mind last. The headache at the office. Sarah and Carmen fighting over whether to seek medical attention (no), whether he should go home (yes) and whose home he should stay at (Sarah's, but only after a bitter argument). _

_Chuck sighed. Okay. So no memory loss then. _

_He looked around the hotel room in search of Sarah but he was alone. There were no clues to indicate where she might have gone either and for a split second he had the irrational fear that she might have left for good. _

_It was no sillier than any of her irrational fears. _

_Of course no one knew whether or not poking around his brain had caused any permanent damage. Whether he would or wouldn't lapse back into another coma. And much as he wished, he wasn't sure when this headache would go away, if ever. _

_But that didn't mean Sarah had to hover over him, incessantly blaming herself for everything from stitches on the head to papercuts on the finger. It was getting to be too much. He was just glad to have her back, and if a near death experience was what it took, then so be it. He didn't regret it for a second. _

_Suddenly his phone starts to ring. Chuck jumps and begins to search madly for it, clawing through the mess of tossed sheets and fallen pillows. He knew if it was Sarah calling and he didn't pick up, she'd have a fit. _

_Then he'd really know the meaning of 'overprotective'. _

_Chuck finds it at the end of the third ring, his thumb mashing over the button on the screen in a frantic effort to take the call. _

_"Hello? Hello? I'm here!" he cries, already preparing himself for a good yelling. _

_There's no reply on the other end though, just static and the dread of words yet to come. _

_"Hello?" Chuck asks again, pressing the phone harder against his ear. He checked and double-checked to make sure he hadn't accidentally turned off the cell. "Hello?" _

_In his heart of hearts he knew. Whether it was hundreds of miles or maybe only a few meters, the intangible connection between them felt like a hand reaching through the dead sea of silence, threatening to pull him through to the other side. _

_But it wasn't until the other end came to life, till he heard the voice, that it became real to him. _

_"Chuck? Oh thank God." He heard a gasp, then the sound of a muffled sob. "Oh thank God you're alright!"_

_Chuck fell back against the mattress, his grasp on free thought flying through the window like a balloon without a tether. The voice, _her_ voice, paralyzed him; filled him with such polarizing emotions that his body was split down the middle in a perfectly matched tug of war. A part of him hated her, every molecule of her being, and a part of him, despite everything…_

_"Chuck, I'm so sorry! It was the only way to keep you safe, you have to understand. Please! Please tell me you're alright!" _

_The words were slow in forming, but when he finally came to his senses, they began to snowball, and the emotions that followed were just as convoluted and complicated in its layers. _

_"What do you want, Jill," he said, swallowing his bitterness the same way he took his pills every morning, with the same grimace and everything._

_There were a million other things he wanted to say to her, but saying too much would show her that the surgery had failed. He had already proven himself an idiot once; he didn't want to repeat the mistake. _

_The only resentment he could hold onto now was the trifle betrayal he suffered at her hand five years ago. _

_"Chuck, it was the only way. If they knew that you knew—" Chuck tried to shut his ears from her web of lies but it was too late. He'd already entangled himself in her trap and ten years later, he was still scrambling to get out. _

_"Right...you _lied_ to me to protect me, how noble of you." _

_Jill's voice breaks and Chuck's facade of callousness cracks. The wall he's sworn to erect and place between them forever until the end of time crumbles before the cement's even dried. _

_It's Jill, he knows, but she's still a girl, and making a girl cry was as heinous a crime as any. _

_"Why are you calling?" he asks. For his own sake and perhaps hers too he checks to make sure the front door is locked. If Sarah were ever to walk in...well..._

_"I...I just had to know." _

_Chuck knows the protocol. He knows how dangerous Jill can be. She's double-crossed—triple-crossed—him, the government, everyone. The only team she plays for is her own one-person show. _

_"You shouldn't have called," he says. As he hears her voice break into another heart-wrenching sob, Chuck groans and rubs his temples. The headache is worse than it was before he closed his eyes. "If you're sorry about Bryce, I think you're a little too late." _

_There's a long silence. _

_"It really worked didn't it?" _

_It killed him that he couldn't answer. That he couldn't confront her about what she'd done. It wasn't fair that all they had were some vague pretences. _

Damn it, Jill._ He wanted answers. _

_"Wow..." she murmured in shock. There's another long silence, and if Chuck were to guess, she was trying to figure out what hadn't been blanked out by the procedure. _

_"I'm sorry, Chuck," she finally whispered, every word permeated with the heaviest of emotions. _

_He knew what this looked like. He was everything Casey had already deduced from day one. A pathetic, sad-sack-bleeding-heart, idiot. _

_But Jill _was_ sorry. He knew her, knew that tone, knew that despite everything, somewhere deep down she was still the Jill he knew and once loved. It didn't make things any better, but it did a little...and that smidge was enough for Chuck to acknowledge that he was indeed a sucker for punishment. _

_"Why Jill? I thought..." _

Thought what? _He was too ashamed to say it. Not even in his head. His only solace was that Jill would never catch on to his true meaning. _

_"It's complicated, Chuck. You wouldn't understand, and I'm not asking you to. I just want you to know that whatever we had...it was real. And I'm sorry." Her voice cracked as she apologized again, and Chuck had a sudden image of Jill shivering against the elements, calling from some dilapidated booth in the middle of nowhere. _

_She was right. He could never understand how she could willingly leave all this behind to become like some animal on the run, knowing that every day was a new fight to survive. _

_"I'm really sorry too," he whispered. Fool me once shame on you...fool me twice...thrice...he had to draw the line somewhere. She'd made a choice, and it was time for him to make his. _

_Chuck rubbed his throbbing temples. "Goodbye, Jill." _

_But even as he said it, his lips trembled and his tongue threatened to mutiny and entangle itself, anything to curb the finale of something ten years in the making. _

"_Goodbye, Chuck." _

_The call ended but it wasn't the end. That he knew. He only hoped she didn't. _

* * *

The phone hasn't even finished its first ring before she picks up.

"Mr. Bartowski, this is a surprise," Sarah answers, teasing him right off the bat.

Chuck laughed nervously as he double-checked to make sure the door was locked. Not that it was any consolation. The stranger, that Mr. Barker, was fully capable of breaking down the barrier should he feel the need. Closing the door had merely been a formality.

"Is the TV broken or something?"

"Huh?" Chuck looked to the living room but everything was as he left it. "No. Why would you think that?"

"Because it's a Wednesday afternoon. Don't think I don't know what you do when you get home early."

Chuck flushed at the accusation. "Hey! I play while you're at work so it's out of my system when you get home."

She laughed on the other end. She sounded much happier now that they had transferred her to another office; one that didn't involve counting out change and stamping cheques for a cover.

"So...I need to ask you something."

"Ah..." Sarah's voice rose with intrigue. "And here I thought you called simply because you missed me."

Chuck smiled foolishly for a only second. By the next he remembered there was still someone standing right outside their door and all thought of flirtation fizzled into the background.

"Do you know a man named Cole Barker?"

Silence.

Dread began to ooze through Chuck's system like black tar, the poison threatening to conquer all his senses one by one. It had only been a few months, but they had finally managed to put the debacle of their exes and the lies and _that life_ behind them.

"Sarah?" Chuck queried, checking to make sure the front door was still closed. "You there?"

"Why do you ask?" Her voice had gone unmistakably flat. He could almost see her leaning forwards in her seat, dropping the pen she so habitually twirled in her hand while at the desk. "Did you remember something?"

"No. But there's a _dashingly_ handsome man at the door by that name." He waited for her to say something but Sarah seemed dumbstruck.

Not a good sign.

"He's looking for you. What should I say?"

Chuck held his breath and listened with rapt attention; it was how he could tell Sarah was holding her breath too.

Did those two share a history? He wouldn't be too surprised, Cole Barker was not as suave and debonair as Bryce but he could see how women would be attracted to him nonetheless. He looked the part of an agent or what he knew from the mass media; so 'cool' and dangerous. Just thinking about it made Chuck grumble, and he wasn't usually the jealous type.

"Sarah?" he prompted, hoping she'd say something.

Her voice was remarkably calm when she finally spoke, but the words came out rapid and dismissive. "I'll be right home."

It wasn't the answer he'd been expecting.

"Uh...okay. But what do I do in the meantime?"

"Huh?"

"He's standing right outside our door."

"Oh." Chuck thought he could hear the slamming of drawers and the jingle of car keys. "Just leave him there."

"What?" He didn't know if he could do it. He'd already been rude enough as is. "But we know this guy, right? And he's one of the good guys, right?"

"Yeah..." Sarah said distractedly. "Just leave him there. I'll take care of it."

Chuck wrinkled his brows. She spoke as if he were something to be left at the curb for the garbage-man.

"Did you hear me, Chuck? Just leave him there. I'll be right home."

She didn't wait for a confirmation. Before Chuck could protest the phone call had already ended. He stared at the cell in his hand, wondering what the heck he should do. He wasn't any closer to understanding than when he started.

The knock came at the door again. "Chuck? Chuck, you there?" came the unmistakable muffled noise.

Chuck was fraught with indecision. Sarah confirmed the man's words; he had worked with them, and he was one of the good guys. So why couldn't he be let into the house? Chuck's insides twisted at the thought of his wife _handling_ the situation. What exactly did she have in mind?

"Chuck?"

Having already displaced his manners twice today, he wasn't sure he could do it a third.

_And he saved your life, don't forget_.

Chuck grumbled under his breath. He had, actually, that was the problem.

Walking back to the hallway, he opened the door once more. Cole Barker looked at him expectantly and leaned forwards ready to enter, as if he just knew that Sarah would affirm everything.

"So?"

"So..." Chuck said, contemplative to the last second. "Sarah will be on her way shortly." The man's face split into an undeniably pleased smile. Chuck sighed. This was going to be so much fun. "Would you like to come in?"

* * *

_The next time Chuck opens his eyes, he's not alone. _

"_Hey," she murmurs, staring down at him, running her hand through his hair. _

_It felt so good he nearly didn't believe he was awake. "Mmmm...." he groaned, gazing sleepily at his angel. She was too beautiful to be real. _

"_Sleep well?" she asked. Her smile faded when her fingers brushed against the missing patch of curly brown hair and the stitches still barely healed. As if she'd just put her hand into a bed of hot coals, she flinched and retracted the hand immediately. _

_Chuck sat up, hurriedly combing the surrounding hairs in an attempt to hide the scar from sight. _

"_Very well. Slept like a baby," he assured. A half-truth. Unfortunately the headache he'd been blessed with refused to see itself out the door. _

"_No nightmares?" She hugged him tight, the weight of her body forcing him to collapse back against the mattress. They fell together against the pillows and the sheets, nearly knocking the breath right out of him. _

"_None," he promises as he leans in to kiss her. _

_Sarah purses her lips. "Liar." She kisses him anyway, but it's a little rougher than he's used to, but he supposed he deserved it. He's just glad she's finally stopped treating him like he's made of collapsible Jello. _

_"Sorry," he says and winces. A combination of guilt, a throbbing head and the bite on the lip he's suffered under his protector topples his facade of bravado and he has to bury his face into the pillow to hide it from her. _

_Sarah's expression immediately changes to one of panic. "Sorry!" she cries. The word was fast becoming their favourite phrase. "Are you alright?" Her hands hover just a breath's distance from the surgery site but she doesn't trust herself to go any nearer. "Where does it hurt?" _

_Chuck buries his face into her hair, just taking in the scent of her. Finally he could appreciate the attachment a child had for its security blanket. The pain was still there, but it was tolerable. And when she kissed him ever so gently, like a butterfly's wingbeat against his forehead, he nearly believed that she'd kissed the hurt away. _

_"Nowhere," he whispers, clutching her tight against him. "This is perfect." _

You're perfect.

_Even though he never says the words, Sarah smiles as if she's heard. "I stepped out for a moment there. Hope you didn't miss me." _

_He shakes his head, suppressing the cheeky grin that's forcing its way onto his lips. "Nope. Not at all." _

_Before he can respond, he's blindsided by a pillow, then another. _

"_Just kidding! Just kidding!" He tries not to laugh but it's hard when he sees her with the most adorably peeved expression on her face. "I'm just kidding. Of course I noticed, and of course I missed you." _

_He tries to kiss her but she puts the pillow between them and all he ends up with is a good mouthful of feathers. _

_"Serves you right," she growls, playfully pushing him back down on the mattress. "You're supposed to be resting." _

_Before Chuck can come up with an excuse, Sarah thinks better of it and snuggles up against him whilst still in her work clothes. She sighs, fully content, and gives no indication of moving to change. He realizes what she's always known._

_The only way she can get him to listen is to make sure of it herself. _

_He wraps his arm around her waist, rests his forehead against the crown of hers, and waits for the lull of sleep to come. He can't fall back though; a part of him is still on edge after the call this afternoon. _

"_Sarah—" he stops himself just seconds before he's said too much. _

"_What?" she whispers, raising her head to look at him. _

_Chuck swallows slowly. There was once a time when he saw things in black and white. There was right and then there was wrong, but now...now there was only consequence of action, and the repercussions of choice. _

"_Nothing," he said with a shake of his head. "Just...thinking." He closed his eyes and prayed Sarah would let it go. _

_Even after everything she's done, Chuck can't find the heart to turn her in. Jill's all spectrums of wrong but he wants—needs—to believe she called because she genuinely cared. Or else Jill will just become another soulless enemy of the state, and there was no mercy for the likes of them. _

"_Chuck..." She rests her palm against his face, the pads of her fingers grazing against his day-old stubble. "You can tell me anything, you know that." _

"_I know," he said as he clasped her hand, pressing it even more firmly against his cheek. He could tell her anything...but this. _

"_Don't worry. We'll find her soon. It's only a matter of time." _

_The dread of knowing how it was all going to end paralyzes Chuck with the inevitability of it all. He lets go of Sarah's hand, looks away and says nothing. Agreeing would be a lie, not agreeing would be traitorous. _

"_Chuck." Sarah withdraws her touch, taking with her all the heat in the room. It's only three in the afternoon on a sunny summer's day but it might as well be midnight in the Antarctic. _

"_It's a good thing. Catching her is a _good_ thing," she stresses. Her voice trembles with barely restrained emotion and her eyes are the darkest he's ever seen. "How can you still..." She clenches her hands into fists, the emotions coming to mind so furiously she doesn't know which to express aloud first. It becomes a jumbled mess and Chuck winces through the angry adjectives hurled his way. _

"_How can you still feel this way?" she finally exclaims. "When are you ever going to get over her?" _

_The question triggers a painful memory. Jill used to ask him that all the time. _

"_It's not that," he says, reaching out to her. She backs away; putting up the walls she's so good at building. And the headache he's had for weeks on end only grows worse when he realizes she believes his heart's strayed even an inch from hers since the moment he surrendered it over. _

"_It's not that and you know it." _

_Sarah grows still and Chuck hesitantly wraps his hands around hers, gently...ever so gently, pulling her back to his side. _

"_She's done some pretty terrible things, Sarah, but that doesn't mean she's any less of a person to me. We were friends...and..." _

_The anger in her eyes wasn't ebbing away and he felt as if he were being cast in a downpour when he tried to find redemption in those stormy blue orbs. _

"_I know you don't get that..." he said slowly. "And I know what she's done is unforgiveable...but I can't pretend like I don't care. I don't wish for bad things to happen to her." _

_Even though Sarah never said so, he knew she did. She probably wished for far worse. Even the mention of Jill made her bristle, like a lioness with hackles raised and fangs bared. _

_Finally she sighs, and falls back down beside him, too tired to put up a fight. "I know," she growls, an admission that doesn't come easily. "You can't hate her. You can't bring yourself to hate anyone." _

"_You make it sound like a bad thing," he says softly. When guilt doesn't work, he tries the puppy-dog eyed approach but Sarah's a quick learner and purposely lies facing the other way. _

"_You know there's only you, right?" _

_It never occurred to him that it was something he even needed to ask, but when Sarah doesn't immediately respond—_

"_Sarah?" _

_Sarah turns around and stares at him, her eyes still hard and unrelenting. "I trust you," she says but not without a heavy-handed sigh. And not without deflecting the real question."But that doesn't mean I'll ever stop hating her." _

_Chuck closes his eyes. "That's fine," he says. It's not much of a compromise, but he knows what he's asked is like walking through a minefield. He's just lucky to be alive. _

* * *

"I'm sorry for the mess," Chuck said. He really should have cleaned up the living room, as Sarah had advised him to do on more than one occasion. Life had been a whirlwind since their time in D.C.. Not long after they had decided rather spur of the moment to go for a trip across Europe, and now they were in the midst of buying a house in the suburbs. If it wasn't already packed away then it was strewn on a random flat surface, a relic of his forgetfulness.

Cole Barker walked slowly through the room, his eyes roving up and down, side to side, taking everything in. What did he deduce from all this, Chuck wondered. That he was a slob who never cleaned up after himself and played video games all day? He could almost hear Sarah laughing victoriously in the back of his mind.

"It's a nice place you have here..." he finally remarked.

"Thanks. If you like it, you should buy it. We're thinking of selling—" Chuck stopped himself when it occurred to him that it may not be the best idea to live so closely to a man who was most likely his wife's ex.

Cole Barker only smiled. He didn't look like he had any intention, and by the sounds of that accent, probably didn't even live in the country. _Good thing, too._

"So you still work with Sarah?"

Chuck crossed his arms, his brows furrowing at the question. He wondered just how long it's been since they'd talked to one another.

"Uh...no, not anymore." _Not professionally, _at least.

Snapping his finger at him, Cole looked up with sudden realization. "That's right! You had some sort of brain injury and had to be put out of commission."

Chuck bit his lip. "Not exactly a brain _injury,_" he corrected. "It was not mentally incapacitating anyway."

"Right." Cole smiled and it was such a friendly smile that even if Chuck were being mocked, he'd never be able to accuse him of it. "Well, it's a shame. Carmen always thought very highly of you."

Chuck smiled too. Finally, someone he knew! "You worked with her then?"

Cole wandered from the living room to the kitchen. "Yeah..." he remarked off-handedly as his eyes continued to scan the imminent surroundings. "Small world isn't it? She gave me your address awhile back but I haven't had time to visit L.A. until now." He smirked as he looked over his shoulder at Chuck. "Hard earned vacation time."

Chuck nodded his head like he understood. "Right. Must be."

"I've got a plane to catch tonight, but I thought the stopover here would be just long enough to catch up on old times."

Chuck shook his head in disbelief. "Wow...you people sure don't waste any time."

At last it seemed Cole had found what he'd been looking for. He pointed to an old Polaroid stuck to the fridge. "Ah, you guys still friends?"

Chuck frowned as he walked closer to examine what he was gesturing to. "Who? Me and Sarah?" He wanted to laugh. "I sure hope so..."

Cole shrugged. "Well, I heard she kind of ran off for a bit and left you boys stranded. Carmen had to come and take over, isn't that how the two of you met?"

Chuck twisted the solid silver band around his ring finger, wondering when and how he was going to bring the man up to date. "Yeah...I guess."

Cole turned back towards the Polaroid, staring at it for the second time in what felt like only two minutes. His hand reaches up to the border of the print and ever so gently traced the outline of Sarah's face.

The simple act struck a nerve with Chuck. He used to love that candid photo, but now he was gripped by a sudden urge to rip it off the fridge and hide it in his wallet.

_It's just a photo. He's allowed to look at a photo. _It was Sarah's picture anyway. What right did he have to want it all to himself?

"I've forgotten how beautiful she is," Cole murmured appreciatively. "She is, isn't she?" he asked, looking over his shoulder at Chuck.

Even though Chuck's thought the very same sentiment every day of his life since meeting her, it felt as if the words had been ripped from his lips. "Uh...yeah...yeah she is," he replied, struggling to swallow the lump in his throat.

Chuck tried to hide his disapproval but he couldn't blame Cole for admiring her. Technically, he had just made an objective observation. There was no harm in that. Even if it was slightly annoying.

"I still remember the time I asked her to go with me to Fiji..." Cole said, shaking his head.

Chuck's gut threatened to flip itself inside out. "Fiji?" he choked.

_Definitely more than work partners then..._

Cole smiled, a nostalgic glaze passing over his eyes. "Yeah, crystal blue waters, beautiful weather, drinking cocktails with little beach umbrellas in them..."

Chuck shook his head, trying to scour the images that came to mind. It was amazing how few prompts his imagination needed to run wild.

* * *

_His favourite show is on the air but for the greater part of the first half hour, Chuck's zoned out so many times he doesn't know what's going on anymore. When the actors deliver the punch line and cue the laugh track, Chuck just furrows his brows in confusion. _

_One second he's relaxed and trying to enjoy the show; the next his hand hovers over the phone, almost like a knee jerk reaction. The call could come at any moment; good, bad, or perhaps just a desperate plea for help. He doesn't know, and that's why he can't relax. _

_It's not just that though. It's knowing there's no way for him to win. He'll betray someone if he answers, and he'll betray another if he doesn't. _

_Chuck isn't paying a lot of attention to what's on the screen so when he snaps out of his thoughts for what feels like the hundredth time in the evening, the first thing he catches is Sarah, sitting beside him on the couch, just staring at him. _

_He turns his head and she doesn't turn away. Her body language is casual, relaxed even, but her eyes watch him with an intensity that threatens to see right through him. _

_Right through all his lies. _

"_What?" he whispers. He holds her gaze only because the second he looks away will be one that spells out all his guilt. _

_Sarah shakes her head. "Nothing." Laughter spills from the TV, a cacophonic contrast to the sombre mood in the living room. When she looks at him, it's as if she knows and is just waiting for him to make a decision. _

_Chuck gulps. He knows she'll never understand, but she trusts him. And Sarah Walker doesn't trust anyone. _

"_You're staring at me." _

_Sarah blinks. "Am I?" she asks absent-mindedly, then turns to the TV to prove her innocence. _

_Chuck holds his breath. So long as she doesn't ask and he doesn't tell, it's not lying. _

_Well, it's splitting hairs at this point. If Sarah ever discovers the truth, she'd just see it exactly as it looks and leave him so fast it'll be like she never came back. _

No.

_Panic hits him like a bolt of lightning and he nearly jumps out of his seat. Instinctively his hand latches onto Sarah's and squeezes tight, as if she might leave him this instant and never come back. _

"_Chuck?" Sarah's gaze softens and she places her free hand overtop his, stacking their hands over one another's. "What's wrong?" She slides over to him on the couch and touches his face, his hair, everywhere but the surgery site. "What do you need? Are you in pain?" The expression she wears is something he's seen often enough with Ellie, but its unnerving to see Sarah lose control. "Should I call Dr. Cassel? Should I call the hospital?" _

"_Chuck!" she shouts when he realizes all he's done is squeeze her hand harder and harder. "Answer me!" _

_He says the first thing that comes to mind. _

"_I love you." _

_Sarah wrinkles her brow. _

_From his pocket Chuck pulls out his cell and places it in her open palm, closing her fingers over the object. _

"_I love you," he repeats. He's said it before, but he's never said it with so much hanging on the balance. He could lose everything in less than five minutes with what he's about to reveal. _

_The wrinkles across Sarah's forehead only deepen. If they had been only rivets before, they were trenches now. "Chuck..." She looks down at what he's given her, still not comprehending. "Why am I holding your cell?" _

_Chuck licks his lips nervously. They're dry and he's chewed them to shreds but still the compulsion is there. Anything to distract himself from what he's about to say. _

"_I love you—" _

God! Why couldn't he say anything else?

"_Chuck, I know." Sarah touches his forehead and compares the temperature to her own. "I think I need to take you back to the hospital, you're a little warm. And you're sweating," she pointed out, wiping her hand against her sweatpants. _

"_You know what my hands are like," he insisted. "I need to tell you something, Sarah..." _

"_I love you, too," she said, cutting him off. "And if you really love me, Chuck Bartowski, you will go with me to the hospital." _

"_She called." _

_He doesn't even have to say who. _

_Just like that, the pleading tugs on his arm fall away and Sarah sinks back down beside him on the couch. _

"_Don't freak out," he pleads in a slow, quiet voice. "But Jill called today." _

* * *

There's a certain decisiveness to Sarah's movements when she makes up her mind about something. Today there's no rummaging through the purse at the door, no struggle with the lock; only the perfect singular sound of a key being turned in the hole and the door bursting wide open.

Chuck's ears perk up when he hears her footsteps. Her heels _click_ forcefully against the hardwood floor, becoming only louder and more determined as they neared the center of the apartment.

He shares a look with the man sitting across from him at the kitchen bar, and despite all the absence of time, even Cole Barker is able to detect the mounting tension. Chuck gulps audibly. If it were any other time, he'd throw her words back at her about scuffing the hardwood floor; but today, he didn't think she'd care if he carved through it with a steak knife.

"Chuck? Chuck?" Her voice goes from clipped and serious to something bordering desperation. "Chuck!"

"In the kitchen," he answered. "_We're_ in the kitchen."

Sarah appears a mere half second later, looking just as Chuck remembered from lunch hours before. He stands up to welcome her back, but as he draws nearer, it's the little things that give her away. Like the fact she's winded enough to be breathing through her mouth and trying to hide it, the way the storm-gray threatened to engulf the blue of her eyes, the way her hair's falling out of the tightly bound braid.

"Hey, Sarah," he greeted, approaching with as much wariness as if he were walking towards a wild animal.

Sarah looked at him, and then at the man standing less than a meter off to the side. Immediately her eyes light up in recognition and her body goes as rigid as a statue's.

Cole stood to his feet and walked towards her with almost as much caution as she reserved for him. Caught in the middle, Chuck couldn't help but get the feeling it was something like two long lost lovers meeting after decades apart.

"Hello Sarah, it's been awhile, hasn't it?"

Chuck turned his head and studied her profile carefully for any clues that could decipher what the man meant. _Been awhile since what?_ Since they last spoke...shook hands...kissed—

Hesitantly and using only the lightest pressure, Chuck touched her shoulder. "You okay?"

Sarah snapped out of whatever she'd been caught up in, the muscles in her face easing as she looked first to her husband and then at the old acquaintance. "Yes..." she finally said. "It has."

* * *

_The moment was rife with irony and none of it was lost on Chuck. He was the one staring at her now and she was the one facing the TV, seemingly mesmerized by the white noise. Sarah remained so silent and still Chuck wasn't sure if she was even listening until he finally stopped his onslaught of words long enough to catch his breath. _

"_I didn't tell her anything, I swear." _

Except you're not supposed to be speaking to her. Moron_, he heard himself say, in Casey's voice no less. _

"_The conversation didn't last longer than two minutes, five tops." He reached out to touch her shoulder but thought better of it. Sarah didn't look like she invited any sort of sentiment right now. "I'm sorry, Sarah. Use my cell. Do what you have to do. Track her down. Take her in." _

_Sarah was silent. _

_Slowly, in what felt like painful time-lapses, she reached for the remote on the coffee table and finally turned off the blasted TV. Then, even more slowly, she set his cell phone down on the wooden surface, right in the middle where both could reach, and left it there. _

_Chuck didn't understand. "Sarah?" He looked at her, begging her silently to please face him, but it only spurred her to continue staring at the blank screen in front of her. _

_Her jaw was locked in a mirthless expression and her arms were folded tightly across her chest. Loathe as Chuck was to make the comparison, she was as frigid a woman as General Beckman in that moment. _

"_What do you want me to do?" he implored. _

I'll do it. I'll do anything.

"_Please..." he whispered under his breath. He held himself together long enough not to beg any louder. There was a limit to how much dignity he was willing to lose; unfortunately with Sarah, it was pretty close to everything. _

_Wordlessly she nudged the phone over to his side of the coffee table. "Take it," she said, her voice quiet but rigidly controlled. A command, not a request. _

_Chuck did so meekly, even though he no longer wanted it. The guilty object burned in his hand like a searing hot brand, a constant reminder of what he's done wrong. _

"_What do you want me to do?" he asked again. "Just tell me, and I'll carry it out." _

_Sarah closed her eyes and stared down at the floor. "It's not up to me, Chuck," she finally said. "I'm off the team. I'm on leave." _

_And because she knew he didn't understand, she finally looked at him. "You're the agent here, Chuck. This is your case." It gave him little relief to know that she wasn't going to run out there and take down Jill herself. Her eyes were still dark with conflicted thoughts and her face was so severe it didn't look like she would ever smile again. _

"_I don't know what I'm supposed to do." _

_He wished Sarah would just show him the way. For once, he just wants someone to tell him how things ought to be. _

_She answered as if she could read his mind. "You have to do what feels right to you," she said. _

_Chuck stared at her, wondering if this burden was anything like what she's had to carry around for the last five years. She's made her decision though, and he's never been more grateful...but— _

What do you do when what feels right isn't the right thing to do?

* * *

_'There's a lot of catching up to do,'_ Cole Barker had said, but what he meant was, 'catching up with Sarah'. Reliving the good ol' days, trading information about crime bosses—heck, he didn't know, but it wasn't anything he was privy to hear.

Chuck didn't usually regret his decision to stay away from _that _former life, nor did he regret encouraging Sarah to continue with what she enjoyed.

Only today, as he was hunched over the kitchen sink trying to prepare dinner while Sarah and Cole chatted by themselves in the living room, the shade of déjà vu descended upon him like a storm cloud.

The memory sent an involuntary shiver through Chuck's body. It was all too familiar. An evening with an old ex. The agent had been replaced but the cool charm, and promise of gun-toting, jet-setting excitement regrettably remained.

Chuck sighed as he finished washing the vegetables and turned off the tap. He couldn't do this. Not again. Not after what they'd already gone through.

"It's not that bad, is it?" asked a voice from behind.

Chuck nearly jumped out of his skin as he spun around. "Sarah!" he exclaimed. She grinned, baring her teeth like a lioness ready to pounce. "Don't do that!"

Sarah smiled as she plucked a stalk of celery from the wash pile and chomped down on the end. "It's not that bad, is it?" she asked again.

Coaxing his still beating heart to slow, Chuck turned back to the sink. "What isn't?"

"Washing vegetables." She smiled as she took another bite. "You deserve it though, for not listening to me." Chuck looked at her quizzically, unsure what she meant exactly. "I told you to let him sit outside," she reminded, whacking him gently with the celery stalk. "And now look, we're obligated to feed him."

Chuck couldn't quite tell if she was teasing or being sincere. She had sounded rather serious when she told him to keep the door shut. "Well, it's your friend," he mumbled, drying his hands on the dishcloth. He purposely avoided her gaze, in case he caught something in the reflection he'd rather not. _A look of guilt, perhaps?_

"Go ahead, Sarah, I can handle dinner tonight."

Sarah's smile waned. "Hey..." She dropped what she was eating and grabbed his elbow, making it impossible for him to look or run away. "What's the matter?"

Chuck shrugged even though he knew. He just didn't want to get into an argument over it while in the presence of the cause.

"Hey!" She yanked him back just as he attempted to turn towards the fridge. "Look at me."

Her voice left no room for defiance. He did as she asked, staring into those familiar and yet paradoxically unpredictable blue eyes, wondering what was going through _her_ mind with all this.

Her forehead creased as she furrowed her brows in concentration. He had no idea; none at all, but it seemed she read him far better than he could her.

"He's an old friend," she said. "We've worked with him before, the _both_ of us."

Chuck said nothing as he pressed his forehead to hers. _Was he really that easy to read?_ Caught in plain sight with the green-eyed monster, he wasn't sure how to pose the question with what remaining dignity he had left.

"Like Bryce?"

Just like that, the tables shifted and now it was his turn to hold onto her. All it took was one glance into those stormy blue eyes to know it had been more than platonic friendship.

Sarah opened her mouth, looking ready to shoot him down, but no sound escaped. She looked at him with a horrified expression, her lips quivering but still...silence.

Was she upset because she couldn't find a good excuse? Or was she upset because he knew about Cole?

"No!" she finally spluttered, her voice quiet but pitched with insistence. "No!"

"Really?" They were like a pair of children on a teeter-totter. One minute he was the one filled with insecurities and the next minute it was her. "You've never kissed him?"

"No—" She stopped herself, blood draining from her face as she recalled a fallacy in the oath. "Fine. Once." She held up her index finger to show him just how insignificant of a number that was. "Just once." Sarah looked desperately at him, pleading with her own version of the puppy-dog eyes. "That's it. And that was a long time ago. Please don't be angry."

Chuck smiled. How could he be angry when she'd simply spoken the truth?

"It's okay," he soothed. He couldn't deny that it bothered him to envision his wife in the arms of another man, but he'd probably already dealt with it before the memory loss. There was no point stewing over it again. "Honestly, I think he's a step up from Bryce."

Mistaking the tone of his tease, Sarah's eyes widened in panic. "No! I told you, Chuck, nothing happened—"

"Sarah, it's okay," he said, trying to ease away her knitted brows with a kiss. "Whatever you guys did, whatever happened...you don't need to be completely honest with me. Because really, I don't want to know what you guys did or didn't do in Fiji."

"Fiji." Sarah stared up at him uncomprehending the association between the exotic locale and their current topic. Then, suddenly, as if a switch had been flicked in the recesses of her memory, Sarah's eyes darkened and she glared murderously in the general direction of the living room.

"Fiji..." she repeated, through gritted teeth. "Is that what he told you? That I went to Fiji with him? Because I didn't, I never even _intended_ on going." Sarah's face was livid with fury. "I can't believe he would have you think that—"

"Sarah!" Chuck flushed with embarrassment. Okay. Maybe he'd read a little too much between the lines. Maybe Cole Barker never explicitly said he had gone to Fiji with Sarah. "I misunderstood. It's my fault. Please don't murder our guest."

Sarah looked as if she'd seriously contemplated the idea of it. Sighing, she collapsed into Chuck's arms, resting against him as she so often did after a long day at the office.

"Don't be mad. Don't freak out," Chuck pleaded as he stroked her long blond hair, destroying what little remained of the braid from his morning. "But I think Mr. Barker's still pining for you."

Sarah raised her head, her eyes a warning to go no further.

"It's okay. I know you love me," Chuck said. Not one to make assumptions, the words sounded strange coming from his mouth.

"Do you?" she asked, wrinkling her brows. She shook her head as she reached up and raked both hands through his curly brown hair, coaxing him to tilt his head down closer to hers. "Sometimes I don't think you do."

Chuck smirked as he wrapped both arms around her waist, pressing her body against his in what felt like a permanent embrace. "I know. I just like being reminded every now and then."

Sarah finally smiled and it was brilliant in its radiance and clarity. It was like the smile of a child; no worries, no strings attached. A smile, just for him.

* * *

_It's been a strange morning, and he tells Sarah so in the car. She doesn't say anything and that's strange in itself because she looks as if driving home from the hospital is the hardest task she's ever been pegged with and she needs every ounce of concentration to do it right._

"_You okay?" he asks. She looks at him strangely, like it ought to be the other way around. _

_Chuck woke up without a headache for the first time in weeks, but his body felt so leaden he could barely raise the sheets to get out of bed. His hands felt as if ten pound weights have been tethered to the ends and his head was suddenly too heavy for his neck to support. _

_Not a 'morning person' by nature, this morning in particular was especially rough. _

_Not that Chuck was altogether concerned. He knew it was not because the surgeon had nicked a vessel in his brain or left some foreign object there by accident. He knew the exact cause and source of this new manifestation, and that was why he tried to persuade Sarah from an immediate visit to the hospital. _

_It didn't work. And even after Dr. Cassel insisted he hadn't 'screwed up' as Sarah so adamantly accused him of doing, it still wasn't enough. She'd left in a huff, dragging Chuck back to the car and swearing to find him a better neurologist in L.A.._

_There wasn't one, but that's beside the point. _

"_You sure you're okay?" Even as he asked the question, he knew he was the one who sounded as if he'd been dragged behind the car and broken every bone in his body. He felt awful, even though he had no reason to be. _

And every reason to be.

_He'd tried so hard not to be changed by his experiences but could he really say he was still the same person? _

_Sarah was still focused on the road but for a second, her eyes flitted in his direction and resounded with concern. _

"_Yeah. I'm fine," she said. _

Worst denial ever.

_Chuck dropped the subject, too tired to argue with her. They both knew, anyway, that when she was ready, she'd tell him. _

_He looked away and let her devote herself to the mission at hand, but from the reflection in the glass, he knew her eyes weren't on the road. _

_He drifted off, staring at the mirror-image of her, staring back at him. _

* * *

Dinner was an interesting affair. After so many stereotypes and one personal experience involving bad British fodder, Chuck wasn't sure what kind of expectations their guest had. To play it safe, he told Cole Sarah had prepared the meal and he'd simply heated it up.

Chuck could tell his wife wasn't pleased to be pitted with the compliments (or perhaps the blame) but his instincts were right and Cole had nothing but high praise for the food. He could have probably served pig slop and received the same level of esteem.

"Really...this is nothing," Sarah said, glaring at her husband.

"No. No, Sarah, this is really excellent. I guess you really are the whole package. Beauty, brains, and an amazing cook."

Chuck bit down on his fork to keep from laughing but it wasn't enough to save him from the quick kick he received in the shin. There were a million and one things he loved about his wife, but her cooking was not one of them.

"Thank you, Cole," she said tersely. "But really, this is nothing. _Please_ don't mention it." She put an extra emphasis on the 'please', and already her face was blushing from all the effusive praise the guest had lauded her with.

Cole chewed thoughtfully and nodded, mentally promising to drop the subject, however perplexing it might be that the chef _didn't_ want to be congratulated on a dinner well done.

"So, Chuck, are you seeing anyone these days?"

Chuck nearly choked on his steak. Across the table, Sarah's knife clattered against the plate and she stared at him with her jaw hanging wide open.

"Wh-what?" he gasped, drinking a few quick gulps of wine to keep from coughing up his food. "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that."

Not even Sarah's menacing glare was enough to deter Cole from asking again. "Have you got a girlfriend?" he asked, so casually it was as if he had absolutely no peripheral vision at all. Had he, he would have realized there was a certain individual seconds from impaling him with the steak knife. "'cause I could introduce you to some nice girls, all very lovely—"

"No, thank you." Chuck said quickly. He wiped his mouth with the napkin, purposefully using his left hand so Cole could see the wedding band on his finger. "I'm good in that department, thank you."

Cole nodded appreciatively. "Ah! Well, congratulations. I didn't realize you found someone after Miss St. Clair but that's just as well."

"_Carmen_ St. Clair?" Sarah demanded, dropping her utensils altogether and pushing the plate out of her way. "Carmen St. Clair dated Chuck Bartowski?"

Chuck gulped. He was eternally grateful he had been the one pegged with amnesia because he wasn't sure all the assurances and apologies in the world could convince Sarah he'd never dated the woman otherwise.

In fact, he wasn't completely sure he hadn't.

Chuck looked curiously at Cole. "Did I?" It only dawned on him how stupid it sounded after the words had escaped his mouth.

Cole laughed good-naturedly, still oblivious to the giant hole he was digging for himself. "You didn't know, Sarah?" he asked, smiling with amusement. "Don't deny it, Chuck. She's already told me all about it."

"I'm sure she has," Sarah said flatly, the words ending clipped and dismissive. "Did she also tell you about her trysts with Colonel Casey?"

Cole Barker's eyes widened in shock and Chuck's jaw dropped. _Really? Carmen was with Dr. Casey? _

"Really?" the men asked in unison.

"Really," she confirmed, nodding her head in conviction. When she looked at Chuck, her eyes sparkled with so much mischief he had to look away or risk being blinded.

"Huh," Cole murmured, with a confused look on his face. "Well that's news to me."

Chuck had to bite down on his lips to keep from bursting out in laughter. He couldn't believe she was doing this. He didn't even want to think about the repercussions.

"Oh, believe me, she was crazy about him. It bordered on pathological obsession..." Sarah informed, somehow managing to put on a completely serious mask. "It was an embarrassment, really. She couldn't keep her hands off of him. Why do you think they don't work together anymore? John Casey had to ask for a restraining order against her."

Chuck kept his head down and chewed on his food, trying to distract himself so he wouldn't ruin the priceless moment. When he stole a glance in Sarah's direction, he swore he'd never seen her have so much fun.

"Well...that does make sense..." Cole remarked thoughtfully. "She's been overseas for quite a few years now. But Chuck—" Suddenly the spotlight was centered back on him and Chuck had to bite his tongue not to give anything away. "It must have been horrible for you. Your girlfriend and your best friend. I'm so sorry."

The words had a sobering effect on Chuck. It _had_ been his girlfriend and a different best friend.

"Yeah, I was devastated," he deadpanned, shooting Sarah a look. "She broke my heart, smashed it to pieces."

Chuck tried to hide the amusement from entering his eyes, but seeing Sarah smile, he knew he had failed and failed miserably. At least Cole didn't notice.

"Her loss," she said, looking to their guest. "Luckily for him, I was there to pick up the pieces." She flashed the ring on her left hand in case he didn't catch on. This evening was proof Cole Barker wasn't very good at noticing details unless they were shoved right under his nose.

"She's my knight in shining armour," Chuck piped. They stared at each other, and he wondered how people didn't get sick around them. Sometimes he made himself sick with their cheesiness.

"Oh," Cole said, _finally_ getting it. "Oh!" He looked from Chuck to Sarah then back to Chuck. "I'm so sorry, I had no idea. I-I—no one told me." He stared long and steadfast at Sarah. "You're married. Really. Really?" There was a tinge of disenchantment in the way he said it. Chuck almost wondered how many 'reallys' the man needed in order to believe it.

"Really," Sarah confirmed, holding up her wedding ring again for him to see.

It was like hearing a death sentence. Cole Barker didn't even try to hide his disappointment. "Well...that's a pity. Carmen never mentioned anything about that."

Sarah smiled. "No. And I'll bet she never mentioned anything about her and Bryce Larkin."

Chuck's jaw dropped. _No way._

Sarah nodded subtly in his direction, her grin positively devilish. Cole looked just as surprised. "No...she never mentioned that either," he said, looking very perplexed.

Chuck cleared his throat, trying to steer the conversation elsewhere. "So...would anyone else like more beefcake—" He nearly choked on the Freudian slip. "—Beefsteak. Would anyone care for more beef_steak_?"

Sarah hid her face from him as she giggled into her hand. "No, honey, I think I've had quite enough."

* * *

_Sarah was still staring at him the next time Chuck opened his eyes. Gone was the anger and vindication from those blue orbs; all that was reflected in them now was anxious concern. _

_Like she didn't expect him to wake again. _

_Chuck rubbed his eyes drowsily. "Did I fall asleep?" _

_He heard Sarah sigh softly beside him. Relief slowly eased the deep lines of worry from her features but it was not enough. He knew that look; knew what she'd been thinking.  
_

"_Just for a little while." _

_She stroked his hair gently, her long slender fingers lingering on the shorter half-curls by his ear. Above all, she refused to go near his scar. _

_"We're at my place. Do you think you can walk to the elevator?" _

_Chuck looked out the car window and saw that they were already parked by the familiar hotel. He had no idea how much time had passed, or how quickly she had driven once he was not there to nag. _

"_Yeah. Should be." He was filled with a sense of sadness when he realized neither of them considered it 'home'. _

_Just as he was about to open the car door, she grabbed his arm. "Wait." _

_Chuck sank back into the passenger seat. He held his breath and gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. _

_Sarah sighed, the words still caught in her throat. They sat in silence, waiting for her to overcome all her hard-wired instincts. He loves her more than she knows at that moment; she's just as flawed as the rest of them, but she tried. _

"_They've found Jill." _

_Chuck takes a sharp intake of breath. Now it was Sarah's turn to squeeze his hand. _

"_You okay?" She stroked his hair gently, her hand trailing down to the nape of his neck. "I didn't want to tell you...because, well...." She stopped herself. _

_Chuck read her expression clearly. She wasn't hiding anything from him when she admitted the truth. "I'm not sorry she's been apprehended, but I'm sorry...for you. I know this must be hard." _

_Chuck nodded silently. The ache in his chest was almost as bad as the headaches. He felt nostalgic for them already. At least then there was a physical blame for his pain. _

"_Do you want to see her?" Her voice cracked as she posed the question, and one look into her watershed blue eyes told Chuck that she was only asking as a courtesy. _

_He wrapped his arm slowly around her and heard her shiver under her breath. If this were any other occasion, he wouldn't have dared believe it. Sarah Walker was...scared? _

"_No." _

_He surprised himself and her with the answer. No, he didn't need to see her. They'd already said their goodbyes. She'd already made her choice. _

_And this was his. _

_Sarah looked as if she didn't believe him. "Really?" she asked, giving him a second chance. _

_Chuck nodded solemnly, just slow enough so she would know he really meant it. _

"_I'm sorry, Chuck," she whispered. She looked away and when she turned her head back, her eyes had a noticeably glass-like quality to them. "I know this wasn't easy for you. And I'm sorry that you had to choose." _

She knows.

_Chuck looked at her in question, but she only stared blankly back, refusing to acknowledge what she's just revealed unless he spoke first. _

_The leaden guilt tied around Chuck begins to slowly unwind, falling and leaving him weightless. He knows he did the right thing, but __at the end of the day, a betrayal for the greater good was still a crime all the same. _

_He didn't know how to tell her. Didn't know how to tell anyone. And in the end it became his deepest, darkest, secret. A decision he'd made by his own choosing; one that signified he was no longer the same person he was five years ago.  
_

_And she'd known. She'd known all along. _

"_I"m sorry." The confession was a difficult one to make. "I should have done it sooner."  
_

_He leaned back in his seat, relieved he no longer had to contend with the guilt alone. Grateful that she accepted him for what he'd done. His innocence had been the most endearing thing for her, but she didn't appear as if she loved him any less without it.  
_

_ "Thank you for trusting me to make the right decision." He pushed the stray strands of hair back behind her ear and wiped the thin shimmering trail of tears from her cheeks. _

_It hadn't been an easy decision for Chuck, but for Sarah... "It couldn't have been easy for you to just sit back." _

_What if he hadn't made the call? Could she have forgiven him? Could she have let it go? _

_Sarah wrapped her arms completely around him, burying her face into his chest. When Chuck tried to soothe her by rubbing her back, he could still feel shivers ripple through her entire body. _

"_Thank you..." she whispered, almost like a sigh of relief. "Thank you for staying with me." _

_It finally dawns on him what she means. What this has been about, all these weeks. _

"_The choice was between my friend and my job. Not you," he said, looking down at her. She was an angel, tears and all, and the thought she'd misinterpreted even for a second pained him. "It was never a choice between you or her, do you understand?" _

Never_. _

"_But—" Chuck didn't let her finish. He already knew what she was going to say. That his actions spoke for themselves. How he'd been willing to risk the surgery for her, how he'd hesitated to report her call, how he'd pleaded with Sarah not to chase after her—_

"_There was never a choice," he said. He rattled her shoulders, in case she needed the sense shaken into her. "It'll always be you. Just you. Do you understand?" _

_Sarah lowered her eyes, her cheeks the only hint of life on her otherwise pale stricken features. If he didn't know better, she was blushing. _

"_Understood," she whispered, as she ran her hand through his hair, stitches and all. _

* * *

Try as he might, Chuck could not bring himself to hate Cole Barker. By the end of the evening, he could easily see how Sarah could (or could not have) had a _thing_ for the agent. He was charming in every way, from the lilt in his words to the very scruff around his face; nothing about him seemed off-putting or dangerous—well, Chuck knew he wasn't very good at first impressions anyway.

When it was finally time for them to bid their guest farewell, Chuck felt endeared enough to even welcome his one-time saviour to visit another time. It was a gesture he couldn't offer to Bryce for months after what had happened the last time the man had visited.

"Okay. Guess I'll be going now," Cole said, though he lingered by the door.

Sarah nodded. "Yeah. Guess I'll see you around," she said, vague parting words. She, of all people, understood how different their lives were now. Who knew when they would see him again.

"Yeah. Goodnight then." Still, the man lingered, his eyes aimed reproachfully at the blond. Chuck wondered what the hesitation was for, but gazing sidelong at his wife, it seemed a part of Cole Barker was still waiting for her to change her mind.

To take that offer and head down to Fiji.

To wake up and realize what she's been missing out all this time.

It frightened Chuck a little, because he's always known that he was holding her back. Marriage was about compromise, but a part of him still wished he could give her everything she needed and wanted.

It was these types of men, the Bryce's and Cole's of the world, that Chuck feared the most, because he knew no matter what he did, he could never offer her what they could.

"It was nice seeing you again, Sarah...and you too, Chuck." The latter bit felt like an afterthought.

Sarah smiled but remained by her husband's side. "Yeah. You too," she said, agreeing with him without offering any further sentiments. She wrapped her arm around Chuck's waist and rested her head against his shoulder, prompting him to put his arms around her.

"Goodnight," she said, in a tone that spoke full of choices. And it was clear she'd made hers. She was staying by his side.

* * *

.

_Next chapter's title remains to be determined b__ut let's just say someone gets very very mad and someone needs to go to therapy. Who will it be...? _

_Thanks for reading! If you liked this or any of the previous chapters, please consider dropping me a line. It would mean a lot =)  
_


	13. Sarah vs Therapy

Chapter 13: Sarah vs Therapy

"Chuck, this is not a negotiation." Sarah placed her hands squarely on her hips, but it did little to add sway to her warning. "Did you hear me?" she asked, raising her voice. "Chuck, I'm speaking to you."

Alas her words had fallen on deaf ears.

Charlotte continued to toddle along the plastic bouncy-steps all around to the slide and the spinning blocks, oblivious to her mother's words.

"Chuck!" Sarah cried, following close behind. If she had the energy she would have followed her child onto the ridiculously small playground equipment but as it were, she was tired and all she wanted was to pick up her daughter, fetch her husband, and spend a quiet evening at home.

"Chuck, get down this instant," Sarah ordered, pointing to the ground for emphasis. "We're going to the car. Say goodbye to Will and Aunt Ellie."

Suddenly the little girl stared at her mother, and the stubbornness set in those dark blue eyes frightened her in a way she'd never felt fear before.

Sarah should have seen it coming when Charlotte spoke her first word at six months. She was smart, and now she was too smart for her own good. Just barely past her second birthday, Charlotte had the stubbornness of a crotchety old woman. Reasoning with a toddler was hard enough, but with a toddler who thought she knew better? Impossible.

Sometimes Sarah looked at her and wondered whatever happened to the sweet little bundle she'd brought home from the hospital. That docile baby with her pitiful mews and sweet little smiles.

These were the terrible twos and it was nothing like she'd read in the parenting books. Charlotte was in a category all her own.

"Chuck. Home. Now," Sarah intonated. Charlotte only flashed another one of her wilful stare and raised her little chin in a way so reminiscent of her mother that Sarah was speechless.

Charlotte continued to play on the playground as if she hadn't heard, and when Sarah followed behind, threatening to simply scoop her up and toss her into the back of the car, she held fast to one of the playground ropes and glared, her little lips pressed into a most impressive pout.

She raised her chin again, flashing the bright pink band-aid stuck there almost as a badge of honour. And of course, a blatant reminder of just how stubborn she'd become. Sarah had told her she couldn't open the drawers in her father's office but she'd insisted. To her credit, Charlotte did manage to pry the things open, but not before slipping and banging up her chin.

Just another day in the Bartowski household.

Taking pity on her, Ellie came to the rescue. Rubbing Sarah's back, she gave her a sympathetic smile. "Don't worry, it happens to everyone." Turning towards the playground, she called: "Charlotte, sweetie, come down!"

As if Ellie had spoken the magic word, Charlotte ran down the slide, crossed the gravel pit, and into her aunt's waiting arms. The brunette hugged her tight and swung her upwards, eliciting a squeal of delight from the little girl.

Sarah looked on in disbelief. Her unmanageable child was as sweet as honey in the other woman's arms.

It didn't matter that it was Ellie. Rejection stung. Charlotte was _her_ baby. _She _was supposed to be the one in control.

"I don't think she'll respond to anything but Charlotte now," Ellie said with an apologetic smile. "I think she's grown tired of all the nicknames."

Charlotte looked over her aunt's shoulder at her mother. She had the face of an angel to be sure, but when she smiled at Sarah...it was positively devilish.

"Thank you for watching her, Ellie," she said, fighting the urge to snatch her daughter from her. "Did you want a ride home?"

Ellie shook her head. She had the most complacent smile on her face when she rested her head against Charlotte's. Sarah often reminded Ellie she could just as well have a little girl of her own, but she knew better than to push the topic. Ellie would just ask her to join her in that venture, and that wasn't something she was ready to do just yet. Not until she had the first little monster under control.

"No, Devon's almost done his shift and there's a department picnic tonight with all the staff and their kids. Did you want me to take Charlotte? You and Chuck could have the night off."

Sarah was sorely tempted, but deep down, she'd been thinking of her baby all day. "That's not fair. You've supervised them all morning—"

"Sarah. It's not a big deal. Charlotte's a good baby and Will's happy so long as he's got somewhere to run." Ellie nodded in the direction of her son, running excitedly up and down a series of plastic tunnels. "Besides...what are sisters for?"

Sarah couldn't help the smile that burst onto her face. _God..._what would she do without Ellie?

"We have to get home. I still have to pick up Chuck from the airport." Sarah checked her watch to make sure they weren't running late. "Come on, baby, let's go." She held out her arms but Charlotte only clung tighter to her aunt and shook her head, refusing to be passed off.

"Chuck!" Sarah warned, beginning to feel the first inkling of impatience.

Ellie looked out of options too. "Give her five more minutes to run off some steam. It helps with Will."

The cousins were nothing alike but Sarah didn't have a choice. She watched as Charlotte nearly bolted out of her aunt's arms, zipping back onto the playground in that unsteady toddler's gait.

She worried even as her little girl safely navigated the minefield of other toddlers running past her. From the corner of her eye she could see some boys playing in the area. Already she disapproved; they were loud and too old to be playing on something meant for little ones.

"Don't worry, Sarah, she'll grow out of it."

Sarah arched a brow. She knew where Charlotte got that stubbornness from, and knowing that her own had never resolved even into adulthood was not a comforting thought.

"Has Will grown out of it?"

As if to answer, they heard the unmistakable wild howl of said little boy as he jumped from the top of the slide to the bottom, bypassing the roundabout route of actually going _down_ the slide.

"William!" Ellie screamed and Sarah felt her own heart skip a beat. If Charlotte ever attempted something like that... Luckily when Sarah checked, her little girl was off playing with something large and benign.

Will just grinned as he dashed to his mother for a quick hug and then went off on his way again.

"Don't worry," Ellie said with a nervous nod. "We'll get there one day. I'm sure of it."

Sarah didn't want to crush the woman's hopes. "I hope so too." For her own sake, she needed to believe it.

"Excuse me? Mrs. Bartowski?" A playschool attendant Sarah didn't recognize approached the pair. The woman walked towards Ellie and held out a name-tag. "I found this." Carved into the plastic were the unmistakable letters for one _Chuck Bartowski_.

"Oh, that's Charlotte's!" Ellie cried, taking it from her.

"Yeah, I thought so," the attendant remarked. "I've noticed that she doesn't have hers. I don't know how it's come undone though, they're quite sturdy. We've made them childproof."

Sarah smirked silently beside them. They were childproof but were they _Chuck_proof? Before her first birthday, Chuck had already figured out how to undo baby-gates, drawer clasps and socket covers. Like catnip to a kitten, instead of deterring her from trying to get at the hazards, the childproof equipment seemed to act as positive reinforcement.

"Oh, well thank you." Ellie wrinkled her brows, a little confused as to why she'd been picked from the crowd. "How did you know—"

The woman waved her off. "I know I'm new here, but I saw the way she was with you. I mean you dropped her off and you've been here all day. _Plus_ there's the family resemblance."

Ellie blushed. "No. No..." She turned to Sarah for help but Sarah wasn't in the mood to explain herself. She didn't care if Chuck took after her father's side of the family; all the better. Her father had undeniably loveable attributes.

But she couldn't deny that knowing the attendant never thought _she_ might be the little girl's mother bothered her.

When the attendant had gone, Ellie was still bright red with embarrassment. "Sarah, I'm so sorry. I forget sometimes I'm not a Bartowski anymore."

Sarah smiled wanly. "It's okay. It's not a problem."

But it was. It was a problem that Charlotte seemed more attached to her aunt than her own mother. A problem that a stranger picked out Ellie over Sarah. It was a terrible thought, but Sarah couldn't help herself. She had in effect and without her notice, been replaced.

* * *

"_Chuck, this is not a negotiation." _

_Sarah stared at him, long and steadfast, but he wasn't meeting her eyes. At the moment the pattern on the granite countertop seemed more fascinating than anything she had to say. Heck, watching paint dry was probably more attention-grabbing to him at this point than if she suddenly grew a third eye. _

"_She's right, Chuck."_

_It's a sure sign of the end of the world when Carmen agrees with her on something. Both women look decisively at the man in question, but he remains quiet and seemingly in his own world. _

"_Chuck..." Sarah walks towards the bar stool Chuck's stubbornly perched on and leans against the cold, stone counter; the only way he can ignore her now is to physically turn away._

_When she looks into those despondent brown eyes, she has to fight the urge not to run her hand through his hair; she's tried gentle persuasion, coaxing, pleading..._enough of that_. _

"_You need to go," she says. _

_Chuck's face remained deep-set in a frown. "Why?" _

"_You just have to go. It's mandated by the hospital," Carmen quips. There's a reason the women both see eye-to-eye in this instance. They've been hardwired to obey commands from the powers that be and this was no different. _

"_You've been through a lot," Sarah adds, taking his hand. "You need to talk to someone about it. It's been a traumatic year." _

"_Traumatic?" Chuck scoffs at the word. His eyes are distant and his voice is unaffected but at least when he speaks, he squeezes her hand, giving her the hope she needs to believe that everything will be okay. "What do you mean?" _

_He doesn't say it to spare her the pain, but in a way she wonders. Were his most painful memories the same ones she held close to her chest? Was the guilt that ate away at her comparable to the pain of Jill's betrayal? His betrayal of Jill? Her abandonment of him? _

"_We'll go with you," Carmen adds, drawing closer to the kitchen island. "Sarah needs to be assessed anyway." _

_Chuck's eyes flicker suddenly with worry. "Why? Are you okay?" _

_Carmen smacked loudly on her gum as she tilted her head to one side and smirked. "She's fine. Just a little _burned_ out." _

_Chuck completely misses the tone. "Are you tired?" he asks, jumping off his seat to offer it to her. "It's all my fault, you haven't slept well because of me—"_

"_Chuck!" Sarah glares at Carmen. They would have a private conversation later, but right now, this was about something far more important. "Dr. Cassel recommended that you be evaluated for mental fitness. Your mind's been through a lot, both physically and psychologically. We just want to make sure everything's okay." _

_Chuck narrowed his eyes at her. "I thought you hated that man..." he said, sounding suspicious of her. _

"_I do," she said flatly. "But that doesn't mean he's not right." _

"_Don't worry, they'll be agency-approved shrinks," Carmen soothed none-too-convincingly. "All they want to make sure is that you are fit to continue with what you are doing." _

"_It's not an option," Sarah reminds. She hates them too; psychologists, therapists, anyone who tries to pry into her life, but Chuck's been running himself to the ground trying to save the world. _

_And frankly, the world can wait. Everyone wanted a piece of him; Carmen, the general, the government...Morgan—some days she didn't think she could compete. _

"_Yeah...but a therapist?" He looks to Sarah for support, as if she of all people should be opposed to the idea. "I don't need counselling," he insisted. He winced a little and absent-mindedly ran a hand through his thick head of hair, making Sarah wonder if he was still suffering from headaches and simply lying to keep her from worrying. _

_Sarah sighed. He better not be, or he'd never hear the end of it. _

_But she knew him all too well, and knew it was most likely the case. That's precisely why he needs to be evaluated. So that someone with a fancy doctorate and a pretty badge can put into words what she's known all along. _

"_There's nothing to talk about. I don't need to see a shrink," Chuck repeated. _

_Carmen rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Chuck, we could all use a little therapy." _

* * *

"Cheer up, Sarah," Ellie soothed, giving her arm a squeeze. "Do you remember that time I wouldn't let Will feed the pigeons?"

"Huh?" Sarah turned her head, suddenly stirring from her thoughts. Since the case of mistaken identity, she hadn't been in a talkative mood and they had settled in a lull while they waited to leave.

"You were there. The pigeons were full of disease and Will wanted to feed them."

Sarah couldn't help but smile. "He threw a fit," she recalled.

_Technically_ Ellie couldn't prove that the pigeons were carrying anything; she just didn't like the looks of them.

"And refused to be held," Ellie added, crossing her arms. Annoyance briefly flitted across her features as she recalled the traumatic incident. "In fact, the only person who could touch him was you." She looked at the blonde, waiting for her to realize the point. "It's normal for her to want to rebel, and it's normal for her to defer to someone who she knows will take her side."

Sarah pursed her lips. Her sister-in-law was not only incredibly perceptive; she was subtle too—about these things at least. "For the record, I did not give Will bread to feed the pigeons." She dug her elbow playfully into Ellie's side. "And you totally gave Charlotte an extension on the playground."

Ellie flushed but she had no way to defend herself. Luckily they were interrupted before the matter could be discussed further.

Sarah's cell began to vibrate just as Will ran across the playground to them. Looking down at the call screen, a smile curled onto her face.

"Mommy! Auntie!" Will hollered at the top of his lungs. "Come! Come!"

Sarah turned her body away as she took the call. "Chuck?" she answered, pressing a hand to her other ear just to hear.

"What is it, Will?" Ellie asked with a patient sigh. She waved to Sarah as she took the little boy's hand and willingly allowed herself to be dragged onto the playground.

"Having fun?" Chuck asked once Sarah could hear.

"Chuck is having _loads_ of fun," she replied, trying to zone out the noise of the playground behind her.

"And you?"

Sarah took a deep breath. She checked her watch, cursing as she realized she was running late. "Not nearly as much as her."

Chuck laughed at that. "Well the plane was early. Should I just call a cab home?"

"No!" Sarah insisted. "I'll be there. I said I would. We're leaving the park now...as soon as I tear Chuck's hands from the monkey-bars."

"Don't yank too hard. I'm fond of those little paws," he teases.

The joke only reminds Sarah of the difference in their parenting styles. "When we get home, I'm going to be the good cop for a change," she declares. "I want to be the one that lets her have popsicles for breakfast and chocolate for lunch."

Chuck just laughs and they both know her threats are empty. Chuck wouldn't know how to say 'no' if his life depended on it. He was far too easy-going to take a stance on naptime and curfews. With him, there was no such thing as a steadfast rule and everything was open to negotiation. It didn't help that Chuck was a terrible negotiator.

"We better give Ellie a heads up. We'll be done for by the end of the week."

Chuck laughs again which annoys Sarah to no end. "This is not funny, Chuck. I don't know how you manage." Their daughter had a will so strong she could probably bend spoons with her mind.

"Well, I've just had more practice."

Sarah arched a brow. If he were with her she would have already twisted his arm. "What is that supposed to mean, Mr. Bartowski?"

"Just that she reminds me a lot of a particular somebody..." he said slyly. "Not naming any names."

"Hey...do you want me to leave you at the airport?"

Chuck was familiar with the rules of their quibbling so he quickly sobered up. "I love you."

Sarah checked her watch again, and ended the call before they wasted any more time talking through a phone when they could be spending the time face to face. "I love you too, Chuck. See you soon."

Once the call was over, the cacophony of the playground began to phase back to the forefront of her mind. Only it wasn't so disordered as it was loud and acute. Like it was from just one person.

And then she heard the scream. Not like the sound Will could make when he used all the air in his lungs, but something more pitched, more desperate.

A sound she could pick out from a crowd of thousands.

Sarah spun around, her eyes frantically searching the playground. A crowd had already gathered in the center.

"Charlotte?"

* * *

_Sarah and Chuck walk hand in hand to the therapist's office. She's got a tight grip on him not because she loves being able to show that they're finally a couple (though that's always a plus) but because she knows he'll find some excuse or other to bolt if she doesn't hold him down. _

_All morning from the car ride to the short trip in the elevator, Chuck's tried to change her mind. Even when she knocks on the office door and they're standing outside, waiting for a response, he takes her hand pleadingly. _

"_There's still time to bail." He shot her a crooked smile, and she nearly forgot why she'd been so insistent to begin with. "Come on. We can go down to the beach, have a picnic—" _

"_Chuck!" she hissed; a last warning. "We're staying. That's final." _

_No sooner after she's spoken, the door suddenly bursts open and they are greeted by the presumed therapist himself. _

"_Hello," he said with a tight-lipped smile. "I am Dr. Hester. You must be Charles Carmichael." _

_He was smaller than the both of them which felt oddly relieving. That and his general bookishness—round rimmed glasses, mundane sweater-vest and well-worn loafers gave the overall sense of harmlessness. It was probably a psychological mind-tactic._

_Chuck did the only conceivably polite thing and shook the man's proffered hand. "Uh, yeah, that's me," he said, giving Sarah a confused look. Sarah could only shrug. She had no idea why they were using his pseudonym either. _

"_Good. Good. Your girlfriend has already given me the details. Won't you come in?" He held the door ajar with his foot and waved for Chuck to walk forwards. _

_Chuck shot Sarah a look of alarm and all she could do was mirror it. She opened her mouth to protest but the therapist already had his eyes on her. _

"_And you are?" he asked, looking as if ready to slide the door closed. _

"_I'm—" _

"_She's his sister," came the unmistakable voice. Chuck gasped and choked on whatever words he was about to say. _

_Carmen's annoyingly smug face suddenly appeared at the bespectacled man's side. Sarah gritted her teeth. Like a maddened bull, she saw red and all her rage threatened to escape and bulldoze the woman in front of her. _

_Dr. Hester looked down at his chart, his finger trailing down the pre-written assessment. "Ah, yes. You must be Sarah." _

_Carmen arched a brow at her, daring her to deny it._

_Sarah had no choice. If she wanted to sit in, she would have to own up. _

"_Yes, that's me," she said through a clenched jaw. _

"_Well good, we're all here then!" Dr. Hester announced, oblivious to the madness and mayhem he'd just invited to the room. "Come, come, have a seat." _

_Chuck took one look at the two women and knew better than to interfere. Picking up his pace, he followed the doctor into the office. _

_Carmen tilted her head, holding the door ajar for Sarah. "Aren't you coming?" _

"_What do you think you're doing?" she growled, just meeting the threshold for a whisper. _

"_I'm covering for Chuck," Carmen replied, flipping her carefully braided hair over one shoulder. "I gave him all the information he's privy to and nothing more." _

"_And you just conveniently put yourself down as his girlfriend?" _

_Carmen shrugged, a barely disguised smile appearing on her flawless complexion. "I had to protect my cover too." _

_Sarah hid her clenched fists behind her back. "Uh huh." _And this has nothing to do with doing everything in your power to piss me off?

_Carmen shrugged and turned away, letting the door fall behind her as she headed for the couch. _

_Sarah kicked it open a little more violently than she intended, causing the therapist to wince with heartbreak for the abuse she's delivered to his poor innocent door. _

_The brunette is quick to claim the main couch with Chuck, taking up the rest of the length and making it impossible to fit another being. _

"_Okay. Let's get started shall we?" Dr. Hester said, just as Sarah sank into her seat. Cast off to the side in a lone chair, she could only gaze at Chuck from the side. He shot her a look of barely disguised triumph, as if to say 'I told you so', then turned away. _

Why did you insist on coming here again?

_Sarah crossed her arms and grumbled under her breath. This was going to be so much fun. _

"_I don't usually consult with individuals such as yourself, Mr. Carmichael," Dr. Hester informed. "But Dr. Cassel has persuaded me to take your case." To this, the little man seemed a little perplexed. Qualified as he was, he seemed unable to connect the dots leading up to Chuck's true identity. _

_Dr. Hester flipped the page in his chart. "It states here that your friend recently passed away in a car accident. I'm sorry to hear that." _

_Sarah rolled her eyes. She glared at Carmen, wishing she could take the woman aside and give her a good knock on the head. What kind of a cover was this? How was Chuck going to talk through his problems if this was all still part of a lie? _

"_Uh...yeah. Yeah, she did..." Chuck said, struggling to sift through what was real and what wasn't. _

"_You knew her well?" Dr. Hester stopped in mid-writing as he gazed at the man critically. "Spend a lot of time with her?" _

_Goosebumps began to prickle across Sarah's skin. She'd never really asked about what went on while she was gone, and she didn't really care to. Only now when the subject was once again broached, she could no longer deny that she was the slightest bit curious. _

_Chuck gulped audibly. "Uh...yeah. Knew her for a very long time. Way back in college. We lost touch...but then we just found each other again." _

_Sarah tried to peek over the therapist's arm to see what he'd just scrawled but the script was too close to chicken scratch to make out. _

"_Car accident...huh?" Chuck asked, trying to hide his obliviousness. _

"_Yes, major cause of mortality every year, third only to cancer and heart disease," the man informed. "I understand you were hospitalized as a result." _

_Chuck absent-mindedly touched his head. The stitches were out but he still winced, as if the memory of the incident was an invisible wound that could never heal. _

"_It must have been hard, Mr. Carmichael." _

_Sarah watched Chuck cautiously from the corner of her eye and could see him hesitate. His lips trembled as if he had something to say, but every time he'd shake his head, refusing to speak up. _

"_It was. Charlie's been through so much." Carmen patted Chuck's leg, sliding ever closer to him on the couch. "We were so afraid he'd have amnesia. Thank god," she uttered, running her long fingers through his mop of curls. _

_Sarah dug her nails into the armrest of her seat, threatening to tear through the fabric. She let out a low growl, the sound akin to a gentle rumbling of thunder far in the distance. It was a warning, a prelude to the storm to come. _

_Chuck grabbed Carmen's wrist and stopped her, returning her hand back into her lap. He shot an apologetic glance Sarah's way, and cleared his throat. _

"_I'm sorry. I can't really recount the details of what happened that night. Whatever is on the page is pretty much all that I know." He smoothed a wrinkle on his pants and looked ready to get up and go. _

"_I'm not asking you to," Dr. Hester said, browsing through the doctored notes. "What you went through must have been traumatic." _

"_Yes, so traumatic in fact that I don't really feel like reliving it again..." Chuck quipped. "Now if you please—" He tried to stand up but Carmen's reflexes sent him reeling back into his seat. _

"_It wasn't your fault." _

_Up until that moment, Sarah didn't give the little man in the big chair much credit. But upon hearing him say those words, the same words she so often repeated to him, she felt like they were finally getting somewhere. _

_Chuck stared at the therapist blankly. "Pardon?" _

"_It wasn't your fault. What happened." Dr. Hester folded his hands in his lap, giving Chuck his full attention. "You were in the passenger seat. She was the one who drove into the barrier." _

Listen to him,_ Sarah pleaded as she stole a glance at the man she loved sitting apart from her. What separated them was more than just the physical distance though. _

Please listen to him._ Jill led herself down the self-destructive path. Just as Sarah had. Just as everyone in the agency ends up. Too many years and missions and everyone breaks. _

_Chuck is silent and lost in his own thoughts. It's disarming for Sarah to see the man so full of sunshine and energy become so serious and solemn. All the trials he's suffered in the near thirty years of his life are evident by the sudden lines that stretched across his features, and the effect was only augmented by the grim line set across his lips. There was no hope of a smile to be had from them today. _

"_I should have been able to prevent it." His eyes darkened as he raised them to face the man sitting across from him. "I _should_ have prevented it." _

* * *

Sarah had gone soft. She knew that. She gave up on adrenalin rushes and heart-hammering thrills and her senses had dulled as a result. She knew, and she accepted it, because acceptance meant she was being _normal._ Like not having to worry every single second of your life for the bullet that would end you, or constantly searching for exits and ways to run. It was comforting to just sit back and trust in the security of this new life.

But she regretted it all in a heartbeat when she heard that terrible scream. She bolted across the playground and reached the center of the crowd in less time than it took for her to catch her breath.

"Chuck?" she yelled, shoving bystanders out of the way with little care for her own strength. She forced her way through the crowd as if she were tearing through a hedge maze, breaking ground where she saw fit.

"Chuck!" she screamed, the desperation peaking in her voice.

Blood surged through her body, rushing to her head enough to make her light-headed. Her heart jackhammered in her chest and her body trembled as scenario after scenario flashed before her very eyes.

"Momma!" Charlotte sat alone at the very center, fat tears flooding her cheeks. She held up her arms once she caught sight of her mother and Sarah snatched her from the ground, hugging her for dear life.

"What happened?" she asked to no one in particular. Ellie, who had been near the center of the crowd, held up her hands. She had no idea.

And no one else was offering any clues.

"Chuck, honey, what happened?" Sarah asked. The little girl wouldn't say but she'd stopped her cries the second she was in her arms. Impatiently, Sarah ran her hands through her baby's wild curly hair, her tear-stained face, her pudgy arms, legs...everywhere looking for a feasible cut or bruise.

Nothing. There wasn't a mark on her, but it did nothing for Sarah's nerves. "Where does it hurt? Tell me!" she pleaded, hugging her daughter tighter.

Something was wrong. Something had to be.

"You!" Sarah pointed to the boys she'd seen earlier. The same ones she'd found disruptive and too old for a toddler's playground. "It was you two, wasn't it?"

"No!" they immediately blurted, but Sarah's spy-senses were tingling. She didn't like the looks of them, and the way Charlotte dug her little nails into her neck seemed as good a reason as any.

Didn't they know better than to get between a momma-bear and her cub? Sarah hugged Charlotte protectively against her chest, all the while glaring down at the young culprits. They couldn't be more than ten years old but she stared down at them with the same expression she reserved for crime bosses and trained assassins. No one touched her baby. No one.

Neither of the boys wanted to speak up at first. They cowered under Sarah's frosty gaze, visibly shaking at the sight of her.

"We didn't do anything!" one of the boys shouted defensively, louder than she expected a child to speak. His friend was simply too frightened to verbalize his thoughts.

A low growl emanated from the base of Sarah's throat. All it took was a whimper from Charlotte to make her shake with fury. She didn't care for what they said; in her eyes, these boys were guilty until proven innocent.

In her anger, Sarah nearly missed the gentle tug on her pant-leg. She looked down and was met with a bewildered look of awe in Will's eyes.

"Auntie?" he whispered.

Sarah caught herself and softened her gaze, looking apologetically down at her nephew. She never intended for him—for anyone, to see her like this.

"They were making fun of Chuck," he said, pointing to the older boys. Despite being less than half their size, he stood his ground, his brows furrowing in the meanest glare a toddler could give.

"_Shh!"_ Charlotte hissed, the sound especially audible when it was being delivered right next to Sarah's ear. The little girl shot her cousin a look of annoyance.

"Chuck, is this true?" she asked, staring at her daughter. But that couldn't be right. How could anyone make fun of her baby? She was perfect; the beholder of the clearest blue eyes, the most heartbreaking smile, the most beautiful laugh...Sarah was livid.

How dare they?

Charlotte didn't need to say anything. Will's words were all she needed.

"Where are your parents?" she demanded.

The boys pointed in sync behind them to a part of park. There were a dozen possible candidates but that didn't matter, Sarah glared at them all.

"Show me," she commanded.

"Uh...Sarah..." Ellie tried to hold her back but Sarah was already on a vendetta.

"Not now, Ellie," she said, brushing the woman off. She stalked towards the park at the boys' heels, breathing down their neck with the tall shadow she cast over them.

She couldn't take her anger out on someone literally half her size but she needed to take it out on someone. Someone was going to pay for what happened today.

* * *

"_You couldn't have," Dr. Hester said. It was as simple as that and on paper, completely valid. Chuck was faultless. _

"_I should have seen it coming," he insisted. _

_Sarah frowned, glaring murderously at Carmen. They would have made real progress if she hadn't come up with this stupid scenario. Now the therapist wouldn't understand and Chuck couldn't explain. _

"_You couldn't have. Accidents happen." _

But what happened wasn't an accident. There was purpose. A plan.

"_Chuck..." Sarah started to say, wishing she could comfort him. If only it was her on the couch, her hand he was squeezing. _

"Charlie_," Carmen corrected, drowning out her voice. "Honey, listen to the man. What happened wasn't your fault." Her voice was saccharine sweet and it was sickening to see her fill her role with such relish, and worse still that she could make it look so _real_. _

_The general had chosen the perfect replacement.  
_

_Sarah couldn't help the murderous glare that suddenly found its acquired target. She balled her hands into fists, shaking with forcibly subdued anger. _

"_Do you resent your brother for what's happened?" the therapist suddenly asked. _

_The question comes so far from left field it left Sarah speechless. "What?" she utters, the blood draining from her face. _

_Chuck snaps his head in her direction, a wounded look on his face. _

"_I can see you're angry," the therapist notes. "Do you blame him for what's happened?" _

"_No! I'm not angry!" she snaps, but the force with which she spits out the words speaks against her. _

_She turns to face Chuck and one look into his eyes sends panic pouncing on her, strangling the breath out of her. "I'm not angry," she repeats. _

_"Oh, but you are," Dr. Hester insists. He fixes his glasses and when he pushes the spectacles right up against the bridge of his nose, the cleared vision only amplifies his conviction. "You've been holding a grudge since you first walked in the door." _

_Sarah flushes bright red. It wasn't fair. That was about something else entirely. _

_"I'm angry...but not at him," she finally confessed. It was the only way to get the doctor to move on. _

_The answer only opens another can of worms. "Who _else_ are you mad at?" he presses, as if Chuck was already a sure candidate. _

_It seems Chuck thinks the same way. His wounded expression crumbles and now he just stares down at the ground, not saying anything. _

_Sarah's helpless to explain herself. _

Who else?

_Everyone. Jill, the 'all-deserving car crash victim'; Carmen, the 'outrageous conniving girlfriend', Dr. Cassel: 'ambitious trigger-happy surgeon', Dr. Hester: nosy little shrink...but not him. Not Chuck. _

_"Well?" Dr. Hester taps his pen impatiently, waiting for her to answer. On the other side, Carmen and Chuck watch her, both expecting a resolution of some sort. _

_Sarah has no choice. _

_"I should have driven Chuck that day." She tries to swallow back the bile that's building in her throat. This is precisely why she hates talking about herself. "I didn't, and his friend had to. So it's my fault." _

_The confession breaks the floodgates. Dr. Hester scribbles furiously on his sheet and his eyes gleam with excitement. He probably never expected a revelation as rich as this. _

_"No!" Chuck jumps to his feet. "Don't write that down!" he commands, his voice booming in the small room. When Dr. Hester doesn't comply, Chuck rips the papers out of his hand. _

_It's the most violent thing Sarah's ever seen him do. _

_"Charles!" Carmen exclaims, using a name reserved only for times like these. "That's enough." She stands up and tries to retrieve the therapist's papers but Chuck refuses. He turns away, rips them in half, then quarters and scatters them defiantly in front of the doctor. _

_"Chuck!" Sarah gasps, standing to her feet. The only person who remains in his seat is the little bespectacled man and now that the three of them are standing, he is completely dwarfed by his own patients. _

"_It's okay..." Sarah soothes. "It's the truth. You know it is. It's okay." _

_Chuck furrows his brows. A look of anger flashes across his features. "_No_, it's not," he says tersely. "It's mine." _

_"Perhaps you should listen to her, Charles," Dr. Hester advises. His voice is surprisingly calm and full of academically-backed assertion. _

_Chuck glares down at the therapist. "We're done here." _

_Sarah's taken aback by how easily he takes on _that_ tone. She must have taught him well, because when he says it, there is truly a sense of finality to his words. _

_No more therapy. No more talking. Done. _

* * *

Sarah had already summed up her opinion of the man before they even spoke, and it was wildly ironic because his attention to detail only made her all the more repulsed. He sat alone, awkwardly shifting on the worn old bench in a stiff, expensive suit, obsessively tapping on the latest model of PDA in his hand. She knew the type.

He was the kind of father who left his kids to run wild in the park without supervision, who devoted more time to his Blackberry than actual parenting, and who thought money could buy anything and everything.

Finally finding someone her own size, Sarah left the boys to cower off to the side.

"Excuse me," she said, clearing her throat.

The man looked up distractedly, but once he caught sight of her, his smile widened and he slipped the phone out of sight.

Suddenly he was all ears.

"Hello, Miss, can I help you?" He smiled again but it never reached his eyes—eyes which were filled with questionable motives.

Sarah gritted her teeth. _Miss?_ As if the wedding ring and the baby in her arms was not enough. What more of a deterrent did she need?

"Are you the father of those boys over there?" she asked, pointing to the culprits.

"One of them," he admitted, the smile not once leaving his features. "I'm watching both until my _ex_ can get here. Traffic..." He rolls his eyes. "You know how that is. That's why I hire a chauffeur, someone who can me from point A to point B without all the hassle."

"Right..." Sarah says, not in the least impressed. Pre-emptively covering Charlotte's ears, she considered how she would deliver the news.

"I found your son and his friend harassing my daughter."

_Well aren't you subtle? _

The man shrugged. "Okay." He furrowed his brows, as if he didn't quite understand. "I'm sorry...was that your pick-up line? 'cause honestly I've heard better."

Sarah clutched Charlotte tight against her chest but she knew there was no way she could prevent the baby from hearing their conversation.

"No!" she exclaimed, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "I'm here for an apology."

The man laughed, as if she'd just asked for the moon. "Why? They're just kids." He smiled at his son, as if he actually approved of what they'd done. "It's all part of growing up."

Sarah wondered why she'd wasted so many years in the agency protecting the rights of worthless bags of meat like him.

"No. It's not. They should know better. _You_ should know better," she warned, seconds from coming to blows.

The man held up his hands defensively. "Whoa! Lady, calm down. You gotta let kids be kids."

Sarah's eyes widened. Of all the things she thought she'd hear...

"Hunter! Come'ere!" The man whistled for his son and the boy's friend. "You making fun of this lady's kid?"

"Yeah..." The boy looked like he was trying to suppress a laugh. "But her name's Chuck!"

The other boy snickered beside him, only to be immediately subdued by Sarah's glare. She could feel Charlotte's tiny nails dig into her neck, and the wetness of her cheeks soak through her shirt.

The knowledge that these monsters had been the cause of those tears nearly destroyed her.

Sarah patted her daughter's back, trying to soothe her all the while boiling with her own vat of unresolved emotions.

"You named your kid Chuck?" the man asked, unable to keep the smile from splitting across his features.

"So?" Sarah demanded, narrowing her eyes. Her hands suddenly itched to slap the stupid grin from his face, and if she weren't holding Charlotte in her arms, she most likely would have.

"Well, that's what happens when you name your kid something weird." He shrugged. "Should've thought of that."

Sarah couldn't believe it. It was _her_ fault his son had made fun of Charlotte?

She took a deep breath. She'd tried to handle this the _normal_ way but normal wasn't going to work today.

"Sorry, baby," she whispered softly under her breath.

Without warning she snatched the man's wrist with her one free hand and twisted, sending him kneeling to the ground, chest pressed against the grass with an arm bent awkwardly behind his back.

The man screamed and the boys scuttled back, afraid to stand near but too captivated to look away. Others in the park took notice of the commotion, and soon all eyes were on Sarah.

"I'm waiting for my apology," she reminded. When she didn't hear one in the next five seconds, Sarah twisted harder, eliciting a sharp yelp from the man.

"I'm sorry!" he yelped. "Damn it, I'm sorry!"

Sarah shook her head. "That's not good enough." She dug her heel into his back until she was sure he'd eat dirt, literally and figuratively.

"Hunter, apologize to the lady!" the man growled from where he lay, prone and writhing in pain.

The boy looked bewildered. "I'm sorry!" he blurted, keeping his distance. "We're very sorry."

"Sorry! Sorry!" his friend chimed, chanting the word over and over again. Sarah thought she might have traumatized the both of them for life. Enough for a lifetime of therapy.

"What do you think?" she whispered, looking to her daughter. Charlotte stared back complacently. The pressure in her neck had eased and dare she believe it, her little girl had the beginnings of a smile creeping onto her lips.

Sarah felt an undeniable swell of pride fill her heart. She was her daughter, through and through.

"Fine. Apology accepted." Sarah let go of the man none too gently. "And just so you know, it's never _okay _to harass a married woman and her baby. Because you might get your ass kicked." Sarah tilted her head to one side, gazing down at the prostrated man with a sense of vindication. "Should've thought of that."

Sarah marched towards the car to the sound of laughter and applause but the only thing that mattered were the slow even breaths soft against her neck.

Charlotte peered at her with the widest blue eyes. She'd never seen her mother like this before and frankly Sarah was embarrassed she'd lost her temper so easily. She should know better. She really should have.

_Too late for that_.

Sarah stroked Charlotte's hair tenderly. It had been her job to protect her from anything and everything. Bumblebees, bullies, boys...she was her mother and she still remembered holding her for the first time, that initial swell of love that flooded all her senses and just kept on growing.

Charlotte watched her quietly. Sarah hoped this wouldn't scar her for life. Chuck and her never even cursed around her if they could help it, and now she'd gone and done this...

But it wasn't fear Sarah saw in those bright blue eyes. It was something else entirely, something she never expected to find. Sarah couldn't deny the resemblance Chuck constantly referred to any longer.

And when Charlotte finally smiled, it nearly obliterated every fear Sarah ever had. Everything was going to be just fine.

* * *

_Chuck's declaration leaves everyone in a state of shock. No one sees it coming, especially not from the soft-spoken, timid, convalescing man. _

_Dr. Hester stares upwards, slack-jawed and speechless. _

"_Let's take a break shall we? Cool our heads?" Carmen suggests, laughing nervously to herself. She's probably never seen this side to her asset before, never imagined it possible for him to even raise his voice. "How about some coffee? I'm sure we can all use coffee. Dr. Hester, let's take ten?" _

_The brunette gives Chuck a push towards the door, and since he was planning to head in that direction anyway, complies. Otherwise Sarah doesn't think all of their training put together could persuade him to move. _

_._

_Chuck grabs Sarah's hand the second they're out of the therapist's office. "Let's go," he says. "We're done here." _

_Five minutes ago Sarah would have heartily agreed, but now...now she couldn't. As nosy as Dr. Hester's been, he's rooted out a problem they've both spent the better part of a month trying to hide._

_It's the classic her versus him. _

_Her guilt, her mistakes, her past versus his. And now it was merely a matter of stacking up the sides and declaring the victor. _

_They're at a standstill. Chuck doesn't tug on her arm, doesn't repeat himself, he just stares...waiting. _

_ "I'm going to get coffee," Carmen declares and quickly disappears down the hall. _

_Sarah closes her eyes. For the first time in her life, she'd rather have the brunette stick around as a third wheel than not. _

_"We need to talk about this."_

_He drops her hand and Sarah's eyes pop open in panic, believing for a second that he's let her go completely. "This isn't your fault. I've told you, Casey's told you. You know what happened." _

_"I know," she says, almost in defeat. Sarah sighs. _Don't give yourself too much credit,_ she warns, sounding an awful lot like Casey. _

_"It's not your fault. Please don't think that," he whispers. _

_Reaching up, her hands wrap around Chuck's face and just like that, his expression melts into something so achingly tender and familiar. All the anger in his eyes falls away, only to be filled with such warmth and sweetness that for a second, she forgets everything except that she's the happiest she's ever been. _

_"It's not yours either," she reminds. His eyes cloud for a second, but she holds onto him, hugging him tight until the storm passes. _

_The corners of his lips are reluctantly tugged into a whimsical smile. "Deal?" he says with a cock of his head. _

_Sarah smiles back. She sighs with relief, feeling as if they can finally move on with their lives. "Deal," she agrees. So long as he promises not to fixate on his hand in Jill's betrayal, she won't hold onto her mistakes either. It's as fair a bargain as any. _

_She leans in to seal the pact but Chuck leans away. "No, Sarah," he whispers anxiously. "Not here!" _

_Normally she'd accommodate his aversion to PDA but today she thinks_**...**too bad_. She drags him towards her by his tie and kisses him with more zeal than usual. And she thinks, because he's such a prude, that she'll have to make this one really count. _

_At some point Chuck changes his mind and kisses her back, every bit as fiercely as she has, almost as if he were vying to beat her in a competition for who was the better skilled. _

_And Sarah's never met a challenge she could back down from... _

_.  
_

... _They're both a little short of breath when they finally pull apart and when the rest of the world returns to them, they realize time isn't the only thing they've lost track of. _

_"Dr. Hester!" Chuck gasps, nearly backing into the walls at the sight of the little man standing bewildered at his office door. _

_Even Sarah feels the fires of shame lick against her cheeks. She knows how bad this looks. She was supposed to be his _sister_. She cringed at the thought of Ellie and Chuck—_no, not going there!

_"Perhaps we should reschedule..." Dr. Hester remarked slowly, eyeing the two of them in horror. "I feel like there's a _lot_ we have to discuss." _

_Sarah doesn't know what else to say. She hates talking about herself, but she needs a solution and needs one now. "Sure. Put us both down," she volunteers, just barely keeping a straight face. _

_Dr. Hester nods eagerly and closes the door promptly on them. No doubt they've given him enough fodder for the next ten years or bought him a ticket to his own personal therapist. _

_"I can't believe you did that!" Chuck accuses, his face as red as a fire truck. "You know we were being evaluated by a shrink!" _

_Sarah can't help but laugh. "Yeah. Guess now he knows why." _

* * *

Sarah leaned over Charlotte, snapping in the last buckles of the carseat. She was filled with a twinge of melancholy when she realized she was no longer fighting with Charlotte over how the buckles were to be snapped in or wrestling to get her to sit still.

Today Charlotte just seemed eager to leave the park and go home.

Sarah sighed. She finished the last adjustments and leaned against the back of the front-seat, staring at her daughter. "I'm sorry, Charlotte." She brushed the last traces of dried tears from her chubby cheeks, trying to erase any memory of what had happened from her mind. "If you don't like the name, I won't call you that anymore. I promise."

Charlotte didn't say anything. She just stared at her mother, her lips pursed on the verge of a smile...or a frown.

"We're going to get Daddy from the airport and then we're going home. I promise. Okay?" She kissed her daughter on the crown of her head, and prepared to slide over to the driver's seat when Charlotte finally spoke.

"Why am I Chuck?"

"Oh, baby..." Sarah felt her heart melt when she heard the woeful voice. Her daughter spoke as if she'd been cursed. "Because it's my most favourite name in the world. And I loved you so much I wanted you to have it."

Charlotte wrinkled her brows. "But nobody's Chuck," she informed, with a heavy emphasis on: "_Nobody." _

"Your daddy's name is Chuck," Sarah reminds with a pinch on the cheek.

Charlotte pouted. It was only one example, and as it so often seemed, the only example.

"Your daddy's pretty amazing, isn't he?" she coaxed.

Charlotte looked as if she'd been beaten at her own game. She made a face and squirmed in her seat, as if trying to escape her inevitable defeat.

"Yeah..." she relented.

Sarah smiled. "You know all the amazing people have names that nobody else has. That's how people remember them." She had to bite her tongue there. Chuck was never going to stop reminding her of that if he ever heard, and since Charlotte told her father everything, she had dug herself right into this one.

"But you've outgrown the name, so I won't call you that anymore." Sarah ruffled her daughter's hair with a touch of melancholy. Someday she may outgrow all the other endearments; the snuggles, the hair ruffling, the little kisses on the nose...

Sarah shook her head and stepped out and into the driver's seat. Someday, but luckily not today.

She turned the key in the ignition, checked the rearview mirror to make sure Charlotte wasn't up to no good, and pulled out of the parking space.

Charlotte was quiet and after about twenty minutes, Sarah could see the little girl's eyelids begin to droop from an exhausting day of play.

"Momma?" she whispered, just when Sarah thought she had fallen asleep.

"Yes, Charlotte?"

The little girl smiled drowsily. "Call me Chuck."

* * *

_A/N: The final chapter will be entitled Chuck/Sarah vs the Revelation. Thanks for reading! _


	14. ChuckSarah vs the Revelation

_A/N: A part of this was written based on something **Yokaputo **mentioned to me long, long ago. Do you still remember Yok? _

_Oh, and __I've put up a new poll, won't you ch**u**ck it out? (har har, i crack myself up sometimes)  
_

_

* * *

_Chapter 14. Chuck/Sarah vs the revelation

_Chuck thought he might have been dreaming—or perhaps he'd simply died and gone to heaven. Life couldn't possibly get better than this. The bed was toasty warm, the sheets rested like soft, puffy clouds against his skin, and the most beautiful angel was sound asleep beside him. _

_He felt so peaceful, so tranquil—_

—_until he felt a sharp stabbing pain in his side. _

_With eyes still closed, Chuck absent-mindedly rubbed the spot between his two lower ribs. That was odd. Who would poke him with a stick? _

"_Chuuuuck..." _

_Something incessant began to _buzz_ by his ear, growing louder and louder with each passing second. A bee? A wasp? A fly? _

_Chuck buried his face into the pillow and groaned. Whatever it was, he would deal with it in the morning. _

_The noise wouldn't quit though and the longer it went on for the more annoying it became until he had stuff his ears with the pillow just to make it stop. _

_The stabbing pain in his side hit again, only this time it felt less like the rounded end of a pole and more like the pointed end of someone's elbow. _

"_Chuuuck..." _

_He recognized that voice. It sounded vaguely familiar. _

"_Chuuuuck...get the phone!" In the bed beside him, he felt the mattress shift and a hand suddenly clobber the side of his head._

_Chuck winced, finally forcibly jolted from his dreams. _

"_Picccck up!" the voice groaned, and the sheets and with it all the precious warmth, was sudden pulled away from him. He felt as if he'd just been thrown out into the cold. _

In a minute,_ Chuck wanted to murmur but before he could even open his mouth to speak, he felt two hands and perhaps a foot as well, push him to the edge of the bed, threatening to throw him off unless he complied. _

_Chuck turned towards the nightstand and groped blindly for the phone madly vibrating across the wooden surface. _

"_Hello?" he murmured hoarsely. He rubbed his eyes but they still refused to open. _

"_Chuck!" came the frantic voice. _

"_Morgan?" Beside him, Chuck could hear Sarah's muffled groans, only half drowned out by the pile of sheets she's buried herself under. "Morgan, do you have any idea what time it is?" _

_He finally opened his bleary eyes and saw the time flash before him in angry red lights. It was well in the low single digits. _

"_Yeah, of course. Do _you_?" Morgan emphasized. _

"_Are we looking at the same time?" Chuck asked wearily. A part of him still longed to return to the bliss he felt so unjustly removed from and the other urged him to pay attention. This was Morgan of all people, someone who slept in until two in the afternoon if he could help it. _

Well..._it was the right hour but the wrong time of day. _

"_It's only two in the morning, Morgan." Chuck turned around and tried to pull back the sheets but Sarah wasn't having any of it. She held onto her end with a death grip. _

"_Did you set your clock to PM instead of AM again?" _

_Left with little choice, Chuck dug under the covers until he found the one he was searching for. Tactfully he snuggled up against her, forcing her to give up a share of the warmth or have it taken from her. _

_Sarah groaned and tried futilely to fend him off; ultimately surrendering a margin of fabric no wider than the width of his hand. _

"_You're so generous," he whispered, making Sarah grin. _

"_No, it's two AM," Morgan confirmed matter-of-factly. _

_Chuck groaned, burying his face into Sarah's shoulder. That just made it worse. _

"_But it's two AM, Morgan," he complained. "People are sleeping at two AM in the morning."_

_Sarah turned in her sleep and grabbed a handful of Chuck's t-shirt, pulling him up against her. "Tell him if he doesn't hang up now I will drive over there and bash his tiny skull in with that phone," she growled. _

_Chuck knew better than to laugh. Sarah was unspeakably adorable when she was disgruntled but her threats were not ones to be taken lightly. _

"_Yeah, it's two AM in L.A. but it's ten AM in London." Morgan laughed into the phone, sounding exuberantly pleased with himself for the fact. "We agreed to a last minute phone conference with the investors, remember?" _

_Chuck shot out of bed, landing feet-first on the cold hardwood floor. Hopping as if he were walking on a sheet of ice, he made a mad dash for the closet and tried to find a suitable suit in the dark. _

"_Chuck?" Sarah groaned, sitting up while fighting the urge to fall back asleep. _

"_Shoot! Morgan, buddy, I'm so sorry!" Chuck grabbed one of the hangers and flung it onto his now vacant half of the bed. "I'll be right there, I promise. Tell them we're having problems with the connection or the video feed or something." _

_Mentally cursing to himself, he hung up the phone and began to undress and redress in a frenzy. He sincerely hoped his hair hadn't become too unmanageable in his sleep. This was not the time for a full-on menagerie up there. _

"_Chuck, what's wrong?" Sarah asked, shivering as she pulled the covers over her bare shoulders. _

"_Nothing," he said though it went against every instinct in his body. Morgan's call had hit the accelerate button on 'panic' and he felt like his heart couldn't catch up with his mind. _

_For Sarah and only Sarah, he somehow found the will to sound eerily serene."I forgot I had something at the office. Go back to sleep." _

_When she didn't immediately listen to him, Chuck pushed her back down onto the mattress himself, taking the extra time to tuck her in. _

"_You're never going to get better if you don't rest." When he held the palm of his hand against her forehead, it was only slightly warm. Slightly warm was still feverish...right? _

"_I'm fine," she said, but her voice was hardly the sound of health. She cleared her throat guiltily but it wasn't enough. Sarah still sounded like a strangled parrot; woefully hoarse. "It's not going to kill me." _

_Chuck smiled. "It'll just make you stronger, right?" he teased. She had a habit of being too stubborn for her own good. "Seriously, Sarah, I want you to see a doctor. You've had the stomach flu for a week now and it doesn't look like it's getting better." _

_Sarah shook her head, obstinate to a fault. "No, it's nothing." _

_Chuck rolled his eyes. Luckily it was dark and she didn't catch on. "I don't want you crawling out of your deathbed just to prove to me you're still fine. You don't have to be tough all the time, Sarah." _

_Sarah arched her brows, as he knew she would. _Au contraire_, Sarah Bartowski née Walker was simply too stubborn to admit that a little innocuous bug could take her down a few notches. _

"_Honey, either you see a doctor or I will tell Ellie that you've become violently sick." He knew his threat had hit home when Sarah went stiff with fear. "How you can't even get out of bed, how you've lost nearly twenty pounds—" _

"_What a liar!" she accused._

_Chuck laughed and had he the skill, he would have cackled evilly. "Doesn't matter. Ellie will just hear the word 'sick' and drag you to the ICU. So what will it be? The emergency room or a quiet clinic?" _

_Sarah turned away, sulking under the sheets. "Don't you have work to get to?" _

Oh right. That.

_Chuck sat up, trying desperately to make up for lost time. He swore someday he would win a Nobel prize for proving that the nature of time could indeed change in the presence of a beautiful and brilliant woman. _

"_You owe me, you know?" she murmured just as Chuck was finishing with his tie. "No one wakes me from my sleep without suffering the consequences." _

_Despite her condition, Sarah had a perfectly mischievous look on her face when she raised her brows meaningfully at him. _

_Chuck couldn't return the look with a straight face. "I will happily compensate you for your loss," he declared and dove in for a quick kiss. _

_Sarah turned her face away; a rarity that. "I'm sick," she reminded. "And gross. And pukey." _

"_That's not even an adjective," he quipped. And then he smiled at her like a man who had all the time in the world. "I'm sure I could suffer through it." _

* * *

Sarah thought she was trapped in some sort of terrible nightmare. You know, the one where you struggle into the wee hours of the night trying to coax the baby to sleep and then lie in your own bed worrying about whether you turned off the stove, locked the doors, secured the crib-latch, and the garage door and the office door until you're so exhausted you finally fall asleep only to be awakened by the most obnoxious sound?

Oh wait. It wasn't a nightmare.

Sarah blearily opened one eye, peeking at the time on the digital clock. It was way too early for any decent human being to be calling.

"Chuck," she groaned, giving her bed partner a kick.

No response.

"Chuck!" she said, louder this time, but to no avail. The obnoxious ring-tone and the occasional light snore were all that punctuated the bedroom.

If Chuck Bartowski had any special abilities, this would be it. The man could sleep through anything.

Sarah rolled her eyes. If only she could be blessed with the same skills.

"Sarrraah..." he moaned turning away from the noise. "Get the phone."

Sarah was about to box him in the ears with her pillow when she realized what Chuck had already deduced in his sleep. The noise wasn't coming from _his_ side of the bed, it was coming from hers.

Turning on the nightstand light, she squinted, trying to shield her sensitive eyes as she snatched the phone off the surface.

"Hello?" she asked, trying not to snarl into the phone. This had better be good.

"Sarah?"

A chill runs down Sarah's spine as she registers the voice and the connotation. "Carol?" she utters, wrinkling her brows. Suddenly she's wired and ready to bolt.

"Carol, what's the matter?"

Sarah's deciphered codes and foreign tongues but the words coming out of her friend's mouth are impossible to understand.

"Slow down...Carol! You have to slow down..." she urged. Beside her, Chuck finally stirred from his sleep, no doubt startled by the urgency in her voice.

Sarah presses the phone against her ear so hard she's afraid it'll meld right into her skin. She tries to pick up everything; the static, the chatter in the background, the way her voice hitches inbetween each gasping sob.

"Sarah...it...he..." Before the woman can finish she's cut off. There's static, the sound of distant sobs, and finally a new voice, clear and in charge.

"Hello, Agent."

Sarah held her breath, feeling a chill crawl from the tips of her toes all the way up to the individual hairs on her head, leaving every inch of her frozen.

"Hello. Who's this?"

Even before he spoke, she knew the unthinkable had happened. She turned to Chuck, his hair adorably rumpled from sleep, and slid closer to him. She needed his warmth now more than ever.

"This is your new head of security. There's been an incident. Report back immediately to headquarters."

This was not a negotiation and the call ended with more questions than answers. Sarah dropped the phone, the weight of it suddenly too heavy for her to support.

"Honey?" Chuck rose sleepily, blinking from the bright lamp-light. "Honey, what's wrong?"

Sarah sat in silence, trying to determine just that. She was suddenly filled with dread and guilt. Dread that they were about to be plunged back into a nightmare she thought she'd left behind, and guilt that she'd done this to herself.

She should have quit. She should have quit after Washington and Chuck should never have encouraged her to stick with what she knew.

_Damn it!_ She was supposed to do what would make them all safe. Screw personal satisfaction.

"I have to go down to the office," she said, taking care not to let panic enter her voice. She rose out of bed almost robotically, each movement decisive and planned with care, and walked carefully to the closet to choose an outfit.

Chuck blinked at the time. "At two in the morning?" he asked. "What the heck do they want you for at two in the morning?"

Sarah took a deep breath but she couldn't hide it from him for long. Selecting a conservative sweater-ensemble, she began to change, trying not to let him see how she was shaking.

"Sarah?" he asked when she hadn't responded. "Sarah, what is it?" Chuck slid out of bed and walked over to her. "Oh my God, Sarah, you're freezing," he remarked as he rubbed her arms.

Sarah chewed on her lip, debating with herself what she should say. They'd given up on false pretences a long ago but that didn't mean she couldn't soften the truth.

"Something's happened and they want me back at the office."

Chuck's eyes bulged. "What kind of something?" he asked. He was never one to hide his emotions and even if he was trying to, she saw right through him. He was freaking out and trying not to at the same time.

"A bad something?" he asked, his voice catching at the end.

Sarah didn't want to answer and thankfully she didn't have to. Over the baby monitor came a series of whimpers and broken cries. Without thought, they both turned towards the door.

"I'll get her," Chuck said and left the room. Sarah finished changing and by the time she had straightened her sweater, Chuck was back with Charlotte sniffling in his arms.

"Chuck, what are you doing awake?" she asked.

The baby stared at her with the most inquisitive blue eyes. Sarah had no idea how she knew, but Charlotte always knew when something was wrong.

"It's okay, Piglet, don't cry," Chuck cooed and for once, Sarah didn't bother correcting him. She took solace in the fact their daughter was still easy to subdue.

"Sarah, talk to me," he pleaded, while rocking their daughter back and forth, trying to coax her back to sleep. Charlotte didn't look in the least interested. Her gaze hadn't left her mother's since entering the room.

"I don't know," Sarah confessed. She wasn't going to lie, but she wasn't going to give him a list of scenarios either. What he didn't know, couldn't perceive, was a gift.

Sarah wrapped her arms around them both, stretching to bring her hands back around. She pressed her body against Chuck's, with their daughter safe between them.

_And to think_...well, she didn't know what to think.

"I would never let anything happen to us, you know that right?" She gazed up at her husband. They'd come so far, gone through so much; it just wasn't fair. They'd both fought too hard for this; she couldn't let them take it all away.

Chuck nodded solemnly. She would fight to the teeth for them. Even Charlotte, young as she was, had a look of unwavering faith in her mother.

* * *

_Chuck finished the phone conference with the London investors by four in the morning. While it may have been lunchtime for those in the British Empire, it was still too early for any decent human being in L.A. to be awake. _

"_I should head back, get in an hour or two," Chuck said, barely suppressing a yawn._

"_No!" Morgan tried to convince him he didn't need sleep, not when there was the modern day advent of Red Bull. _

_Chuck just smiled and shook his head. He still hadn't found a way to tell Morgan that he couldn't stand the stuff anymore, not since it had been practically forced down his throat during his captivity._

"_I think I'm allergic to that stuff," Chuck said. "I get...uh...a really bad rash."_

_Morgan looked horrified. "But that's part of any staple diet!" _

_Chuck could only shrug. He wasn't going to touch any of that stuff ever again. _

"_Video games then? You can't say no to video games!" _

Damn it. _Chuck really couldn't. Not when it was part of their livelihood. _

"_And Sarah's probably already asleep. You don't want to wake her up _again_, do you?" _

_Chuck looked at his friend with undisguised awe. Since when had Morgan so perfected the art of persuasion? _

_"No, of course not," Chuck said slowly. "So of course you and I have to play video games." _

_Morgan clapped his friend on the back. "Right! We're doing this for her sake." _

_Chuck laughed. He couldn't wait to see what Sarah would think of that. _

_._

_ Morgan was completely right, and Chuck wondered how he could have ever doubted his little bearded friend. You really _didn't_ need sleep. Not with the modern invention of the video game console, second only to the caffeine concentrate. _

_The second his hand touched the controller, it was just like old times. Marathon game-nights turned game-mornings in the basement with his best friend for as long as it took for someone to realize they hadn't been seen for an inordinately long period of time. Usually this was Ellie. Sometimes it was Bolognia. _

_And now it was Marie. _

_The young secretary strode into the office to find her highly esteemed employers sitting in their most expensive suits surrounded by crumbs, empty chip bags and soda cans. _

_"You guys were here _all_ night?" she asked, scanning the litter in the conference room with a look of disbelief. _

_Chuck wiped down his suit guiltily. They had gone through enough food to sufficiently feed twice the number of pimply teenagers. _

_"Sleep is for the weak!" Morgan reiterated, guzzling down his grape-soda-caffeine-shot mix. _

_"Is it really nine already?" Chuck furrowed his brows. That couldn't be right. _

_Marie suppressed a smile. "Actually, Mr. Bartowski, it's ten." _

"_Ten?" he choked, dropping the controller as if it were scalding his fingers. "Oh my God! How can it be ten?" He jumped to his feet and all six hours of staring at the screen in a zombie-like state while staving off sleep hit him at once. It was like driving into a wall without a seat-belt on and Chuck had to sink slowly back into his seat to ease the vertigo. _

"_You okay, man?" Morgan asked. For someone who had just had the equivalent of about nine cups of coffee, he looked surprisingly calm. _

"_The 'mystery cheese' flavor chips are not sitting well with me right now," Chuck confessed, staring down at his shoes. Perhaps he'd caught Sarah's flu after all. _

"_Did you need a coffee, Mr. Bartowski?" Marie asked. Even though she was still young, she was like a second Ellie to him. "Water? Breakfast—a _real_, breakfast," she emphasized when Morgan gave her a look. "I have some Aspirin if you have a headache—" _

"_No. No. I'll be fine." Chuck smiled and took a deep breath. "I think I'll start answering my messages from last night and the morning. That'll settle me down." _

_Marie grinned at the suggestion. "Well, I know you like to answer them in the order you receive them but..." She pulled out a bright yellow sticky-note. "Mrs. Bartowski's called twice for you already. Perhaps you'd like to respond to her first." _

_Chuck frowned as he accepted the note. There was nothing specific other than her name and their home phone number. "Well she could have just called my cell—" _

"_You forgot your cell at home." _

_Chuck blushed. _Right._ He'd been half asleep when he grabbed his bag and drove down here. _

"_Oh. Okay, well I'll just call her from my office then." He bid goodbye to Morgan, who looked like he could still continue on for a few more hours, and prepared to head out. _

_Marie tilted her head and smiled. "Oh, and Mr. Bartowski?" _

_Chuck stopped at the door. "Yeah?" _

"_I've got a feeling Mrs. Bartowski knows what you and Mr. Grimes were up to, so I'd just tell her the truth if I were you." _

_Chuck blushed even harder if that was possible. "Thanks, Marie." _

_._

_"So?" he greeted, skipping straight to the point. _

_"So?" she replied. He could nearly see the smile creeping on her lips. "How many hours of video game time did you clock in this morning?" _

_Chuck kept quiet. It was as good as a confession anyway, but two could play this game. _

_"So have you seen a doctor yet?" _

_The response was a loud and resounding groan. _

_Chuck sighed. "Sarah—" _

_"I feel better!" she declared. "I feel great in fact!" _

_"That's what you've said everyday for the last week. I'm calling Ellie." _

_Before Chuck had even reached across the table for his contacts list, Sarah cried out a torrent of excuses. _

_"No! I will see a doctor. Just not today. It's going to be a waste of time if I'm already better. Waiting at the clinic is like waiting in a cesspool of germs. Do you want me to come down with another flu?" _

_Chuck shook his head. "If I didn't know better, Sarah, I'd say you had doctor-phobia." _

_"That's not a noun," she retorted. "Let's go for lunch down by the pier today." _

_He knew she was just trying to change the subject but his brows still wrinkled in confusion. "Because eating processed food will prove to me that you've recovered?"_

_"Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I don't go hungry," she grumped. Her voice alone was enough to make Chuck laugh. Because Sarah never got sick, she was fast becoming the worst kind of patient—the kind still in denial. _

"_Well?" she urged. _

_"See the doctor first so you can tell me what you have before we have lunch." _

_Sarah breathed into the phone, almost like the sound of a bull before it charged the matador. "Fine. It's just as well anyway," she said, her voice still heavy with annoyance. _

_Chuck held his laughter in just long enough to ask why. _

_"Because, Chuck, you better watch out," she said, her voice only softening at the end. Then with an ominous laugh of her own, she added: "You're going to be next." _

* * *

Sarah parked her car in the usual place and made her way down to the front doors. It unnerved her how many cars were parked here at night. Give it six more hours and this would be completely normal, but six hours removed and it was downright eerie.

There was a security guard she didn't recognize at the door. He had a hand hovered over his gun holster as he opened the door for her—but his wariness was quickly dropped once she'd flashed her building card.

"They're in the main conference room," he informed and promptly locked the door after her. The main lobby was crawling with suits and guns.

_What the hell happened here? _

"You should be more careful, ma'am," he said, pointing a lecturing finger at her.

"I beg your pardon?" Sarah asked, craning her neck to look up at him. He was taller than the usual doorman and noticeably stockier too.

He smiled but she couldn't help thinking he was leering at her. "A pretty woman like you walking alone at night?" He shook his head. "That's just asking for trouble. You need someone to protect you."

Sarah cocked her head to one side, greatly amused. "Someone like you?"

The man tried not to look too smug but he was nevertheless pleased with her quick assessment. "Yeah, someone like me. Someone who's got a gun and knows how to use it." He winked at her. "You have to have someone like that in your life, you know?"

Sarah thought she could have the man on his back, unarmed, in under five seconds but she was entertained by the prominent stereotype that all analysts were pencil pushers.

Sarah held up her hand, flashing the solitaire diamond. "I already do, thank you for your concern." Without waiting for a response, she headed for the elevator.

.

The conference room was as packed as that 'comic con' event her husband was such a fan of. She'd gone with him once on a whim and since then fully encouraged him to visit with his best friend, Morgan, and leave her in the peace and quiet of their home.

But there was no buzz of excitement or manic hysteria here, only a dour sombreness usually reserved for wakes and funerals. She was lost in the sea of suits; even the familiar coworkers from her day to day work became like strangers in this setting. The only person who wasn't wearing a death mask appeared to be Carol, who sat surrounded on all sides by the most unsympathetic men Sarah had ever seen.

She felt for her friend and wished she could steal her away and let her express normal human emotions without feeling like such a freak. As it were, the room was packed and there was only one seat in the back still unoccupied.

The man at the front of the room suddenly rose to the podium. "Alright, looks like we're all here. Let's begin." Sarah recognized the voice. It was the new head of security she'd spoken to on the phone.

Slipping quietly into her seat, she ducked her head, trying to prevent herself from being identified as that late straggler.

"Carol Hoffman, will you please step forwards," the man said.

_Hoffman?_ Sarah wrinkled her brows. That wasn't her friend's last name.

Carol was as pale as the screen behind the man at the podium and when she stood to her feet, she looked like a ghoul floating aimlessly towards the front of the room.

_What on earth? _

The security head didn't wait for Carol before speaking. "As you are all aware, we have had a security breech."

This was met with hushed voices. Familiar and unfamiliar analysts looked to one another down the aisles of tables, but it seemed there was a general consensus that this was indeed a fact. A fact Sarah hadn't been aware of until now.

"Carol Hoffman's husband, Eduard Lombard, has been identified as a mole and an enemy of the state."

The declaration sent the poor woman into a fit of tears. Sarah watched in horror as the security head continued to defame the woman's husband right in front of her.

None of it sounded right. Carol followed the company line and lived under the guise of working for an insurance agency. How could he have known? How long had he known? And why this agency of all places? Sarah had specifically relocated herself to low risk analysis.

"Luckily his plans to sell government secrets onto the black market were apprehended before any irreparable damage occurred. I would like us all to take the moment to applaud _Miss_ Hoffman for her act of bravery and for serving her country well."

The form of address was not lost on anyone. The security head grabbed Carol by the wrist and pulled her towards the front of the podium, urging the audience to applaud.

Sarah was frozen in her seat as others in the rows in front looked nervously to one another and began to applaud in a weak, half-hearted wave. Some zealots had the gall to give her a standing ovation, and then there were others like Sarah who couldn't bring herself to even look at the front.

The poor woman. Carol's face was twisted in a grim line, and she looked like she would like nothing more than to dissolve into a puddle and melt away.

Sarah was torn. A part of her sympathized for her jilted friend and the other was still a hard-liner for justice. Eduard Lombard got what he deserved; and the new head of security was justified for his callus speech. The loyalty to the nation stood above that of family, friends...

_And if it were Chuck? _

Sarah found it suddenly hard to breathe as her own traitorous heart threatened to turn her in. She tried to imagine herself in Carol's shoes; forced to face her superiors and peers and be praised for betraying the one person she loved more than anything in the world.

Sarah sighed. She was so glad she quit when she did. So glad she could sit on the sidelines and judge. Work a normal nine-to-five and go home to her family every evening. But even this quaint little life could be hazardous.

Was there nothing safe anymore?

It seemed to be the thought on everyone's mind. Sarah's seen her share of terrible things but to these people here, these innocent albeit brilliant minds she worked alongside everyday, this was the most dangerous thing that's ever happened in their quaint, normal lives.

The security head shook Carol's hand as he took the front again. "Our team will continue with this investigation. We will be conducting interviews with all of you in due time. Please consult the notice in the cafeteria for your specified timeslot.

"We will be providing additional security measures for your added safety. There is no reason to worry. Work will continue as normal at oh-eight-hundred." The man smiled humourlessly. "I repeat, there is no reason to panic. Thank you. That is all."

The woman beside Sarah turned to her. "It's frightening, isn't it?" she whispered in a conspirative voice.

"What is?"

The woman pointed to the waif of a woman formerly known to them as Carol Lombard.

"Knowing that none of us are safe...that it could happen to you." She stared nearly menacingly at Sarah. "_You_ could be next."

* * *

_It was just past noon when Chuck and Sarah walked hand in hand down the boardwalk. Under the hot summer sun, he had to admit she had recovered admirably from the sight she'd been last night and this morning. Her pallor was still paler than usual and their pace was more leisurely than what Chuck was used to but at least she wasn't wallowing in misery. _

_"So what did he say it was?" _

_"Who say?" she asked, hiding a smile from her face. Even though her eyes were covered by sunglasses, he could have seen the mischievous glint in them from a mile away. _

_Chuck squeezed her hand, threatening to catch her if she tried to evade. "The doctor. You did see a doctor, didn't you?" _

_Sarah sighed as she rummaged through her purse and pulled out a single white sheet of paper folded in half. "I did. I even got him to write me a note so you'd see how good I was." _

_Chuck took the sheet, much amused. "And what did he say?" _

_Sarah shrugged. "Stomach flu, I told you." _

_"That's all? Did he give you anything?" _

_She shook her head. "Didn't want any." She grinned weakly at him. "I didn't need any." _

_Chuck was torn. She was one part helpless damsel in distress and one part absolute _Equus asinus. _He really didn't know what he was going to do with her._

_Even dressed in sweat pants with her hair in a sloppy ponytail, he didn't know anyone in his life more beautiful. He knew with just one look he'd fall for her all over again. _

_"Okay," he sighed as he wrapped an arm around her. "Fine. Have it your way." Chuck hated to lose, but as he'd come to understand losing to Sarah was an inevitable part of life. "Is there anything I can do for you? I can take the rest of the day off you know." _

_Sarah smiled up at him. "You know we should really redecorate the office." _

_Of all the things he thought she'd say, it really wasn't the response he was expecting. _

"_Why?" he asked, wrinkling his brows. _

_Sarah shrugged. "Just because." She moved to the edge of the boardwalk along the decorated lampposts when they were walking too slow for even the elderly couples that passed them by. _

"_And maybe you could change the kitchen cabinets too. They're looking a little old," she said, taking his arm again. _

_Chuck tried to hide the confusion from being etched all over his face. Did she really trust him with a hammer and nails—if those were even the tools you used to change cabinets? _

_"Oh, and we should get some new furniture for the living room." _

_Chuck looked at her strangely. If this kept up, Sarah might as well ask for a new house. _

"_Uh...sure." He had the sudden haunch that Sarah had spoken with his sister. Ellie had just convinced the good captain to renovate their bathroom. "If that's what you really want," he said. _

_Sarah just smiled as she leaned into him. _Yep._ He'd probably just caught her after a talk with Ellie. "And maybe we could clean out the spare room and redecorate it." _

_"The spare bedroom?" Chuck asked. "Uh, okay. But we're not even using that room." _

_"I know," she said. "But I think it's time we cleaned out all the junk and made it useable." _

_"Oh. Why? Is someone coming to stay with us?" _

_Sarah nodded. _

_"A friend of yours?" Sarah lets go of his arm to walk a little ways ahead, but when she turns to look over her shoulder, the smile was still etched on her face."Or is it one of those friends that I'm supposed to remember but I don't?" _

_Sarah shook her head slowly as she removed her sunglasses and looked at him with the clearest blue eyes he'd ever seen. "No, Chuck," she said, her voice growing soft. _

_She said something to him but he couldn't be sure. He heard her alright but the words were deafened by the rush of blood to his head. In any case his body didn't have time to react; he was lost staring into those frank blue eyes and the next thing he knew, he'd walked headfirst into a lamppost. _

_The embarrassment hit him harder than the actual pain of face-planting into a metal pole. He stumbled back, wanting to say something, hold, feel—anything, but the only thing he could do was— _

* * *

"And this will be your new door-code, your new door-code, please memorize this as your new door-code," the man droned, like an overworked auctioneer who no longer had the will to speak rapidly. He gestured to the front of the screen. "Your new door-code, please don't write anything down. Please memorize your new door-code."

Sarah sighed as she glanced down at her phone. Ever since the security head had departed and left this man in charge, things had crawled like a snail through peanut butter. She could tell from his stiffly pressed suit and the thick pomade in his hair that he wasn't someone from the field. No. Too prim and pretty for that. The man probably paid weekly for his neatly manicured nails.

"Does everyone have it memorized?"

Sarah was tempted to call home but she couldn't risk waking Charlotte a second time. Then again, if she didn't call to make sure Chuck wasn't indulging any bad habits, she'd probably get the same result in the morning.

"Excuse me."

Sarah didn't realize she was being spoken to until all eyes in the room were on her. Ducking her head, she slipped the phone back into her pocket and sat up in her seat, struggling to hold a straight face.

"Please don't record the number," he said, giving her a lecturing finger for good measure.

"I wasn't," she said.

"Lying to me is the same as lying to your country." He gave her a tight-lipped grin. "So don't do it."

"I wasn't," she repeated, quickly losing her patience.

"I saw you look at your phone. You've barely looked at the screen."

Sarah closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Five-one-oh-five-five-seven-nine-oh-two-three. The elevator code is seven-nine-one-three, the floor code for the first is seven-two-oh-one, second is nine-one-two-three and third floor is eight-two-oh-two-three." She opened her eyes and looked at him pointedly. "Satisfied?"

The man narrowed his eyes but gave no response. Spinning around on the spot, he marched back to the front of the room. "Now this is the north door code. North door code. Please memorize the north door code."

A series of groans emitted from the room.

_Oh great. There's probably a code for the coffee-machine now too. _

Sarah glanced down at her phone, her fingers itching to call Chuck. But it was only four in the morning, and he probably wouldn't hear it anyway.

It was just proof the powers who ran the agency were insomniacs. Or robots.

She shook her head.

And only earnest paper-pushers with their sheep-like tendencies and their desperate desire to please would sit here and memorize numbers so obediently at a time no decent human being should ever be forcibly kept awake.

"Okay, moving on," the man at the front declared, giving Sarah a disapproving look. "This is the door-code for the south door. South door. South door."

This time when the other analysts groaned, Sarah joined them.

.

At six in the morning just as the first hints of light began to filter through the darkness, they were finally dismissed with a new keycard and a dozen new codes that no one would likely remember after a night—or morning's sleep.

Sarah grabbed her bag and took off, not willing to spend even a second longer than she needed to at the office. At the main doors the same security guard who'd offered to be her personal bodyguard held out a sheaf of papers for her to take.

"What are these?" she asked, reluctantly accepting the offering.

"Falsified police reports. The company line is that there's been a break in and you were needed for a statement." He winked at her. "That should be enough but in case you need more, be sure to call."

Sarah had to use all her concentration not to burst out in laughter. _They sure think of everything here. _

"Oh, and a 'victim's counsellor'..." he said, physically making airquotes. "Will be making rounds to all the families. To help you 'cope' with this kind of traumatic event."

Sarah bristled. "What do they want?"

"You have to be careful who you can trust. Pretty girl like you, probably doesn't even realize how many bad guys there are out there." He smiled at her in that same leering way he had before, making every inch of Sarah's skin crawl with goosebumps. "They'll be conducting interviews with your family. We're gonna flush'em all out."

Sarah wanted to scream and threaten to have him disposed of if he so dared to step foot into her home. Thankfully she had the sense to know that he wasn't the real culprit here.

"Fine," she said, forcing herself to shrug nonchalantly.

Her ambivalence came as somewhat unexpected to the security guard. "You think you know someone," he lectured. "But you don't really. It's always the trusting ones that get burned."

Sarah clamped down on her tongue. The man was right. It was precisely why, even now, there was still only one person she trusted above all others.

"Thank you," she said, throwing him a great big plastic smile all the while gritting her teeth. "I'll keep that in mind."

Walking out the door into the early morning light, Sarah tossed the falsified papers into the trash while in full view of the security guard, flashing him another great big smile before heading home.

.

The sky was all shades of pink and orange by the time Sarah stepped through the front door and dropped her keys onto the kitchen counter. She stepped out of her heels, shrugged off her coat and crawled into the family bed where Chuck and Charlotte were already asleep.

Charlotte made the softest mewing sound with her nose when Sarah snuggled up against her and the furrows that formed across her forehead were so entirely reminiscent of her father's that it made her heart swell and threaten to burst with love.

Chuck opened his eyes sleepily, a slow smile curling on one corner of his lips in greeting.

"Is everything okay?" he whispered, his hand sliding protectively over Charlotte's chest.

Sarah smiled at him. Even if it weren't, he looked too contented to care.

"Everything's fine," she said, her own hand sliding up over their daughter's chest to meet his. Their fingers interlocked, spread across like a blanket over her little body. Charlotte gurgled something in her sleep, turning her head slightly to rest against Sarah's forehead.

"Go back to sleep, Chuck," she whispered, to no one in particular. She closed her eyes and felt every muscle in her body give way to exhaustion. She slept as if she hadn't slept in years. Security could say all they wanted but there was nowhere she felt safer than here at home.

* * *

_"Oh my God!" The sharp voice beside his ear made Chuck wince with pain._

Softer, please. I'm trying to sleep.

"_Chuck! Please wake up! You can't do this to me!" With every break her voice picks up with urgency until she's quite literally screaming into his ear. _

Do what? What did I do?_ Chuck winced again and the second his brows shifted, the pain flared across his entire forehead, threatening to evolve into a full-blown body-crippling migraine. _

_"Chuck, wake up!" _

But I am awake. _He groaned and forced his eyes to peel open. It was so unfair. This was the second time today he'd been robbed of sleep. _

_"Chuck!" she gasped, stroking his face over and over in a desperate attempt to hold some part of him. Chuck looked past her at the others he didn't recognize standing over them, surrounding them. _

_He had no idea why Sarah was hovering, why the mattress was so hard and why there were strange people in their bedroom, until he realized he was lying flat on his back against the boardwalk planks. _

_And then, like a flashflood, it all came back. _

_The embarrassment that set in was so acute it paralyzed him from head to toe. He wanted nothing more than to melt and disappear into the cracks between the planks. He wanted to fall into the ocean, never to be seen again. _

_"Chuck!" She shook his shoulders gently, tears flowing in a constant stream down her cheeks. "Please, say something!" _

_He stared blankly at her, trying to avoid the looks of all the bystanders who wanted to gawk at the idiot who'd walked straight into a pole. _

_What did she want him to say? How was he supposed to respond to a bombshell like that? After an incident as humiliating as this? _

_When he doesn't respond, the white's of Sarah's eyes threaten to engulf the watershed blue. "Oh my God," she utters, covering her mouth to stifle her own horror. "Blink if you can hear me." _

_He blinked. _

_Sarah sighed with relief. "Thank God," she said, new tears forming under her eyes. _

_"What's my name?" _

Huh?_ He stared at her, wondering why she would want to know; what it could possibly prove. _

_"Chuck!" she screamed when he doesn't immediately respond. _

Huh?

_"Please...don't do this to me...this can't be happening," she said. Then, suddenly turning on the people watching them, she pointed an accusatory finger at no one in particular. "What are you looking at? Why aren't you calling for an ambulance—" _

_"No ambulance!" Chuck suddenly blurted. As if this day couldn't get any more embarrassing. He sat up despite the rush of light-headedness and wrapped his arms around the woman, trying to steady himself and to keep from falling back. _

_"It's okay, Sarah. It's okay. I'm fine." _

_At the sound of her own name, Sarah burst into tears again, hugging him and sobbing into his shirt. _

_Chuck hugged back, smiling despite himself. This was nothing like how he'd imagined their lunch together and yet somehow, this was so typically them. _

_"Don't you ever do that again!" she threatened when she finally let go. In case he was apt to forget, she punched him in the arm for good measure. "Did you hear me?" _

_Chuck winced and rubbed the sore spot, of which he now had two. One self-inflicted and one newly bestowed. _As if I would want to!_ he wanted to say, but he didn't have the heart when she still had fresh tears in her eyes. _

_"Okay, nothing to see here, folks, I'm fine!" Chuck announced as he rose slowly to his feet. Sarah helped him up, dusting off his suit and lovingly rearranging stray curls from his head. "Nothing to see, keep moving..." he urged, flushing bright red. _

_When the passersby didn't immediately mill out of their general vicinity, Sarah glared at them. "He said there's nothing to see!" she reiterated in much the same volume. Yet somehow her voice carried ten-fold the authority and the strangers sped-walked out of their way. _

_"Are you really okay?" she asked, visibly cringing as she brushed her fingers ever so gently across the swollen bump. "You're going to have a nasty bruise." _

_Chuck smiled apologetically at her. He removed her hand from his head and held it, taking her attention off the embarrassing reminder. "I didn't hear you the first time, I'm sorry. Could you say it again, please?" _

_Now it was her turn to blush. She shrugged free from his grip and turned away, looking uncharacteristically timid. It was uncanny for her to shy away from anything. _

_Chuck smiled. They both knew exactly what she'd said, but he needed to hear it again, now that he was prepared for it. _

"_Is it true?" he asked, when she wouldn't repeat herself. _

_Sarah gives him a slightly flustered look and turns back around but by the time Chuck catches up to her, her face practically glows with the news. _

* * *

Sarah smiles for the security guard as she walks through the door. He's determined to get to her and she's determined to show that he can't. If Chuck wasn't staying home with Charlotte today, she would have brought him with her to prove her point.

_No guests in the building for the next thirty days,_ her conscience chimed. At least someone had been listening to the security bulletin.

Sarah walks down the main lobby into the cafeteria. Her assessment isn't until the afternoon but she feels like she ought to be here.

There are plenty of seats available but she picks one in particular. Sarah sets down one of the coffees and pushes it over to the woman sitting opposite.

"Extra large. One cream. Five sugars." Sarah waits for the woman to raise her head and give permission to sit but Carol just stares at her like a deer in headlights. Her brown eyes are so drowned by grief they are hardly lucid.

She reaches out hesitantly for the coffee, her hands shaking as she enclosed her fingers around it and brought it to her lips. "Thank you," she whispered.

Sarah drops her bag and sits down across from her friend. It's painfully noticeable that everyone at the office is avoiding the poor woman. As if this betrayal could be infectious. As if their sensibly minded loved ones could one day turn on them against their will.

_Just as well,_ Sarah wanted to declare. All the more room for them.

"How are you holding up?" she asked.

Carol licks her lips, still shaking with nerves. For a second Sarah wonders if it's a mistake to give her friend the usual instead of decaf. "I really thought I knew him."

Sarah feels her stomach twist in a knot. She knows better, but her friend? She's more civilian than agent, just a girl who wanted to do her part for her country and nothing more.

Like Chuck.

So much like Chuck; brown hair, brown eyes, ready smile and everything, that she wished she could make all this go away for her.

"I really thought I knew him!" she repeated, her face breaking with anguish. "He was my husband!"

"I know," Sarah said. She was afraid to make eye contact, afraid to have her shout back that she couldn't possibly know what all this felt like. She'd never been betrayed by the one she loved most.

"I've been thinking about everything that's ever happened..." Carol said, nursing her cup of coffee. Her eyes were glazed over with tears; the light in them was gone. She was physically here but her mind was a thousand miles away. "Our first meeting, our first date...was it all a set up?" She shook her head. "I don't know anymore."

The knot in Sarah's stomach tightened, threatening to suffocate her. Her mind instantly thought of Chuck and the first time she ever laid eyes on him. She hated herself for the first impression she had of him.

"I'm sure it's not," she said, squeezing her friend's hand. "It couldn't be. No one could pretend all the time. No one."

"How can you be so sure?" Carol asked, her voice as innocent as a child's.

"I just know," Sarah said, wary of saying too much. "Trust me on this. I've worked longer than you have."

Carol wasn't entirely convinced though. "He said he loved me..." Her face twisted as if she were being tortured this very instant. "But he was a liar..." She clutched onto Sarah as if she were drowning and her hand was all that could preserve her. "If he loved me he would never have made me choose."

"He loved you all the same." Sarah said no more on the subject. Chuck and Carol may have their similarities but she refused to think she was anything like Eduard.

He had married her though, thrown himself into the role. It had to mean something. Carol _needed_ to believe it meant something.

"How can you know?"

_How can you be so sure? _

"I saw it in the way he looked at you." She was blatantly lying now. In the few years they'd worked together, she'd seen Eduard Lombard less than a handful of times. Still, she hoped with all her heart that Eduard hadn't seen her friend as just an easy mark. That he had some semblance of a soul, some heart to realize what he'd done.

Carol shook her head. "You know what this has taught me?" she asked, finishing the rest of her bitter coffee as if she were shooting hard liquor. "You really can't trust anyone."

Sarah's face fell. _No!_ she wanted to scream. It didn't have to end like this.

"Thank you, Sarah. You've been a real friend." She nodded towards the end of the hallway. "I've got to my assessment now. Talk to you later?" Carol didn't wait for a response, she grabbed her bag and with a newly built wall around her heart, marched stoically towards the conference room.

Sarah watched her go, feeling as if she'd failed.

Like she'd failed Chuck.

Out of impulse, she reached for her phone and speed-dialled.

The phone picked up after the first ring. "Hello?" she heard the familiar voice ask. In the background she could hear something that sounded like a glass spilling over and then the most delighted squeal follow thereafter.

Sarah couldn't help herself. She felt tears well involuntarily in her eyes as she blurted the first thing that came to mind.

"Thank you."

Chuck laughed. "Most people say hello first, Sarah."

"Hello, Chuck," she said, only because she'd been prompted.

"You're welcome," he replied. "I like making breakfast for you. We both do, don't we, Piglet?" There's a peal of laughter in the background and Sarah finds it suddenly difficult to keep her composure.

"Not that, silly," she said, keeping a stiff upper lip.

"Then what?"

Sarah hesitated. Even after all these years, she's still terrible with words. "Today I realized just how lucky I truly am."

She could almost see the grin split across his features. "How do you know I'm not selling government secrets while you're at work?"

Sarah couldn't believe it. "Chuck!" she hissed, ducking low at the table. "You know what they would do to you if they ever recorded this call?"

Chuck gulped. "But I was kidding!" he exclaimed in his own defence.

"These people don't really have a sense of humor," she reminded, but even she couldn't hold the tone for long. "You're going to be in big trouble if they ever find out."

"Fine. I take it back," he said. "I'm not selling government secrets," he informed, extra-loud in case anyone was taping the conversation. Then his voice grew serious. "You know I would never—right?"

Sarah wished she could be there with him to shake some sense in him. Why did he have to say it as if he wasn't sure? As if there was any chance she could doubt him?

"Of course not. I trust you," she said, even though she didn't think she needed to say it. She said it anyway for his sake. Sometimes she thought her husband was a little hard of hearing.

"Thank you."

"What did I do now?" Chuck teased.

Sarah looked around the cafeteria. People were staring, not just at her but everyone else. Her coworkers looked to each other as if they were all suspects; potential traitors to the cause. This incident had everyone afraid to turn their backs.

And she could just as easily have been just like them.

"Hello? Sarah? You still there?"

She could have been just as alone.

"Thank you, Chuck," she finally said. _For saving me from what I might have become. For giving me a home, a life, a purpose..._ "For everything."

* * *

_Chuck and Sarah decide to take it easy and sit down at a nearby bench. He pre-emptively closes in on her until the sides of their legs are touching and their feet are nearly crossed, and just in case, takes her hand and holds onto it too. _

_He knows how she feels about _these_ kinds of talks. _

"_Are you okay?" _

_She tilts her head to one side and frowns. "I think you're asking the wrong person here," she teases, brushing her hand gently against the swell on his head. _

_Chuck relished the warmth from her finger-tips but it's a distraction he can't have. "Are you sure you're okay...with this?" He removes her hand from his face and clasps them in both of his. "I mean...you didn't really want—" _

"_How can you say that? Of course I did!" she exclaims. _

_Chuck bit down on his tongue. "No! I mean I know you weren't that enthusiastic about it and Ellie's just been going on and on and dropping hints and we never really__—__and I just feel like it was forced—" _

_Sarah presses her hand over his mouth, forcing him to swallow his thoughts. Her eyes shift from periwinkle blue to a deep, dark cobalt; and when she stares at him, he can't find the will to tear his eyes away from her. _

"_Are you happy?" _

_Cautiously she removed her hand from his lips, but they hovered. prepared to silence him at an instant's provocation. _

"_Yes, of course," he says. He feels light-headed with joy in fact, although he's not completely sure it's the news or the blow to the head. "Are you?" _

_Sarah frowns and shifts in her seat, almost as if she's taken aback. Her hand traces over her own lips, as if she's afraid of what she will reveal. _

"_Of course I am," she says, in a quiet, thoughtful voice. Then she looks at him, the blue of her eyes becoming more and more like sapphires with each growing second. "More than happy," she emphasizes, her voice gaining conviction. _

_She takes his hand and leans into him. "I couldn't imagine being anyplace else but here with you." _

_Chuck grows very still. He's known his wife for years, they tell each other everything, but she's not one for words. She'd rather rescue him from a burning building, make him the most elaborate meal for dinner and attend the most boring computer-jargon meetings with him than actually express the same in words. _

_So he's not used to it when she takes him off guard with a confession. He doesn't know whether to tease, to cry, to laugh and smile—so he does the only thing he can and breaks the habit. _

_He shuts up and listens. _

"_I've been blessed, I know," she whispers, a blush spreading across her otherwise pale cheeks. "Blessed in more ways than you realize, and that's okay. So long as I know. I remember it every day I wake up next to you, Chuck." _

_Chuck didn't know what to say. He just stared at her and smiled. _

"_Hey, Sarah?" he whispered, interlocking her fingers with his own. _

"_What?" _

_He smiled at her and she smiled back, like she knew exactly what he was going to say. Like she couldn't believe it either. _

_And it didn't really hit him until he said the words out loud, as if saying them finally made it true. _

"_We're having a baby." _

_

* * *

_

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_A/N: So, i'm all out of ideas. Thanks again for reading and supporting and indulging me in this AU. I've put up another poll for the later half of this story (chpts 9-14)._

_ Why should you vote? Don't you lurve me? (hmm, maybe not) Well i'll make it worth your while...depending on how things go, this might not actually be the end...  
_

_Or maybe it will, i guess it all depends. Have you had enough? Are you glad it's over?  
_

_Until then, thank you all so very much again for reading. I wrote another AU fic to go with this fic entitled "Chuck vs One Sunday Morning" that may have been missed by some of you; we can pretend it's chapter 15. _

_--Malamoo  
_


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